Juggler

Hi everyone I finally made it, I'm here, on my knees!
The games have to stop, the lies the false justifications the madness.
I've had enough. I need to quit coke. It has gradually taken over my life but what's maybe worse it has taken over my mind.
I'm married with two beautiful daughters and they deserve better than a coke obsessed loser, which is what I've become. The powder seduced me and took me over, and it breaks my heart when I look into my children's eyes.
I've just spent half a weeks family money on getting high the last 2 days, money they need for bills food etc. The coke has gone, and I've deleted all my contacts numbers and anyone who knew any of them, texts everything has gone.
It starts today, now, no more waiting for this or that excuse to use, there are NO reasons left for me to fool myself into scoring anymore. I have a simple choice my family, home and sanity what's left of it, or the coke. That's why I'm here.
Even while writing this I'm telling myself it's not so bad maybe just weekends would be ok!
All I'm looking for is some support from people who have been through this and came out the other end, in time when I'm stronger, I hope to do the same for others, the parties have gone the highs all faded away, this is the start of my battle for a new life. I have lived like this for many years, it is not going to be easy.
Thank you all

SeaScape

Hi there
There are alot of great resources here. I don't have experience with coke but giving up any drug is hard.
Do you have a plan to get some help? If you feel the addiction is deep you might want to line up some resources...or that little voice will have you experimenting again on the weekend in no time!
You can take your life back with the right help!

Juggler

Hi SeaScape, thanks for the reply 😀

I think you're right about the resources here, there is a lot to draw on.

The only plan I have is to stop, which I began today and there's no doubt it's deep, it started 30 years ago with opiates!

I've done hospital detoxes rehabs etc but that's not an option now, it's time to face up to the demons, one day at a time.

neferkamichael

Juggler, it can be done. Used cocaine for 38 years and now 2 years 6 months clean. It was tuff for me in the beginning but the cravings have all gone away. Rootin for ya.

Aarryckha

Welcome! I'm glad you've decided to stop. I don't have any experience with quitting drugs either but have you talked to a doctor about this? Do you have support around you? Have you considered going to NA to get some strength from those who are going through what you are?

We're glad you're here!

Hope4Life

It sounds like you are ready and there is only one thing you need to make it...

DETERMINATION!

I quit a 1-2 gram a day habit, cold turkey, 33+ years ago and have not touched it since. I told all my friends not to offer it to me, do it in front of me, ask me about it or talk to me about anything to do with it and it worked. You have started off the right way by getting rid of all your contacts. Make sure that you do not put yourself into a situation where you are with folks who are still using because it might be too much to overcome.

YOU CAN DO THIS and get your life back.

soberclover

Good for you on your decision! I made mine to quit cocaine in 1990 and have not regretted that decision. I got clean in Narcotics Anonymous (NA). There are many more options today; glad you are reaching out on SR!

Hevyn

Welcome juggler! You sound ready to begin a happy, healthy life. Many here will understand just what you're going through - you're no longer alone.

zoey09

I've used coke for several years, and I'm an alcoholic it's incredibly hard to quit
both. Both addictions sucked the good out of my life and left me feeling guilty, ashamed, remorseful, so much self-hate... The list could go on.

It sounds like you desperately want to get and stay sober, for kids, your marriage, your life. It can be done, proof is on the boards.

When that voice starts trying to convince you otherwise (like maybe using on the weekends in the future) that's when you need to reach out! Reading and posting on SR has helped me so much during my weak moments. Lots of support and inspiration to keep going when the cravings (mental and physical) are intense.

Keep coming back : )

FreeOwl

good move deleting all the contacts.

I got wound up with that stuff for a couple years as well. Where I was living in Southern CA, it was hard NOT to have access to it. I eventually wound up moving away from there and that made it a lot easier. ACCESS is a big piece of it.

Keep yourself separated from any situations that give you access to the stuff.

I found that blow was actually easier to give up on than booze. Again, ACCESS... booze is everywhere and socially accepted. You can't just stroll down to the corner and buy blow and start doing rails at a party with people. If you're in an area where that does happen - STAY AWAY FROM THOSE PARTIES.

After a couple of weeks I found I really didn't want anything to do with the stuff. Physical / mental cravings fell off pretty fast and gave way to memories of racing heart, sweats, paranoia, inability to sleep, sore and runny nose, sore throats, tweaky feeling from lousy quality 'cut' product.... all sorts of bad is what that crap is.

you can do this

Juggler

Wow thanks for those words, that is just the kind of inspiration I'm looking for it really does help, I was beginning to think it was impossible to quit.

Dee74

Belated welcome Juggler
Great to have you join us

D

Juggler

Hi, very inspirational words and some great advice thanks. I think you're right, determination is a key to staying off it. When it wavers and manages to get itself forgotten about, using is just around the corner. I don't want to forget any more I want to be reminded, that's why I'm here. I can make myself forget my resolve easily in order to use, we all can, this is an old pattern to break but being aware of it is a start, in order to see it coming, and know where it will lead.
I'm also wondering which of my friends will stick around now, if they want to tempt me,draw me back in they are gone I don't need them. I will let them all go if that's what it takes.

Juggler

Thanks Dee74, it's good to be here.

Juggler

Hi FreeOwl, thanks for the advice. Where I live is similar the stuff is everywhere and this is just a small town in the north of England! It's been flooded for years now.
I've killed all access, all contacts deleted etc. I think u make a great point about access.
I hope my cravings pass as soon as yours did, they seem to really kick in from the middle of the week and don't pass until acted on.
Your memories sound like what I've been living for years now.

Juggler

Hi Aarryckha thanks for your post.
I cannot talk to a doctor, in the UK your med records are available to everyone from potential employers to insurance companies etc, the days of confidentiality between patient and doctor are sadly long gone here.
There is also no NA where I live it's a small seaside town in the north of the UK.
I am however quite overwhelmed by the people here who have taken the time to offer support and advice of which I'm very grateful, thanks for making me feel welcome.

Juggler

Hi Soberclover thanks for your positive words, thats a long time clean! You are an inspiration, thank you.

Juggler

Hi Hevyn I really am ready, I was ready years ago but couldn't face reality until now, thanks for your encouraging words.

story74

Our family was destroyed by my XAH's cocaine use. He abandoned my son and I and hurt so many people. His drug use affected so many people an caused so much pain. My son hasn't seen his father in years. Everyday I think about my sons loss and his future. Please just keep thinking about your family. You are the center of their universe whether you want that responsibility or not. You can make them or break them. I pray you stay clean. It is not worth it. Being sober and healthy feels so good. Sending you many blessings and wishing you and your family health and healing.

Juggler

Hi Story74 thanks for your moving post. I read it just before I left for work this morning and I have been thinking about what you said all day. I'am very aware that I'am still the centre of my daughters universe and they need me, though sadly they haven't always been the centre of mine. I now want that responsibility more than ever. My father left my brother mother and I when I was very young, I don't want to repeat the same pattern under any circumstances. I have been blessed by having them in my life and never again want them to be second best to cocaine. I think I would have ended up like your XAH I was well on the way had I not reached out on Sunday.
Tuesday evening used to be when I would get supplies to last until Friday when I would again buy for the next few days.
I caught myself having fleeting thoughts about scoring today, when I did, I remembered the encouragement other have given me since Sunday afternoon when I finished what I had, and I thought about what you wrote.
This Tuesday evening, I gave my girls dinner, played with them, they washed and as I write to you I can hear the happy chatting and giggling as they play with their dolls. I've had no coke for two and a half days. Although I know I'am still In a honeymoon period, I feel a peace I haven't had for a long time. Thanks for your words and I wish all the best to you and your son.