deeker

I Do Have A Choice

I hope I never forget the way I felt in the last days of my drinking. I was so sickly.
I had no energy. I was sleeping all the time between drinking. I had so much remorse I
don't think my brain could even contain it anymore. I became numb.

I had done so much I was ashamed of. The drinking and drugging just was not working
near the end. I could never get drunk enough. I could never reach that place I had when
I was younger starting out.

How many days I woke up puking my guts out and picking it up again a few hrs later.

I remember sitting in jail those times and just being in a fog and thinking to myself I am a
worthless piece of crap and I fit in here just perfectly. This is where I belong.

Being alone with those desperate thoughts and feeling so scared when I knew I was
getting out of jail, only to have to make that choice again to drink or not.

I didn't have a choice. At Least I didn't think so.I wanted to die, I thought everyone
would be better off without me.

All I was doing was taking up space on this earth. I was a complete waste of a human being
and I was so stuck.

But I did have a choice but my choice was going to require some action. I couldn't just wish
myself clean and sober.

I began taking the suggestions of others who were staying clean and sober.

AA/NA meetings. 90 meetings in 90 days was suggested. I went to 230. I wasn't
happy about it but I did it.

I quit trying to run the show myself and opened up my mind to a new way. My way was
not working. My thinking was messed up!

I got a sponsor, called her everyday, worked steps with her, prayed,and got involved
in service.

Then I started chairing AA meetings Online. Then I started the 24 hour club. Then I
started speaking at detox once a week.

It didn't happen over night. I took baby steps and when I continued to do the next right
thing, the next right thing began to happen.

I got unstuck and service made me feel pretty good about myself. Hope returned big time.
I began to smile once in awhile.

Then I began to learn and then I began to change and then I began to forgive myself and
then I began to laugh.

And I am still so early on this journey. But when I stopped fighting what I needed to do
and just did it, my life got better.

And it continues to when I get the heck out of the way and just do what is suggested.
I have switched up a few things in recovery now, 2 NA meetings a week, A Celebrate
recovery meeting a week, Church on Sunday. And the 24 hour club. It works for me.

How about you? Are you finding recovery or fighting it? Your path may be different.

Compared to that life I lived , it's a whole lot easier than you think.

We can't change the past but the future is unwritten. It's up to us.

God Bless!

Looking4Help123

That's just amazing Deeker. Thank you

I guess I am still fighting it a bit. Early days. I can't wait for the day when I realise I'm finding it instead. Even now when I fight it I find there are some great things about being sober that I had lost.

Aarryckha

Great post, Deeker. Thank you.

Raider

Thanks Deek!!!

Brian316

Thank you Deeker!

Odelle

Deeker, I'm closing in on 3 months and I'm still having ups and downs, but I know that is to be expected. I have made the 24 hour club part of my daily routine, it's the first thing I do in the morning. Thank you! I hope you know how much your efforts are appreciated.