Grateful11

I feel like such a failure. I drank again last night after having a couple of good weeks of sobriety. I'm so frustrated with myself because I even thought to myself, "this is a really bad idea" yet I still did it.

Looking back over the last week I can see how my thoughts and isolation led to drinking last night.

Last Saturday night I had a fun sober dinner with a good friend and then we went to a local show. I ran into a former neighbor and she completely snubbed me while talking to my friend. I had a feeling it was because my DUI was published in the paper a couple years ago and she is judging me and looking down at me. My friend agreed with me and said I was not imagining the snub. I have tried to let it go but I keep thinking about and then the shame I feel is terrible. I feel like such a bad person. Thankfully nobody was hurt. I didn't even know I was driving because I had started drinking at home and then apparently decided to drive somewhere while in a complete blackout. So terrifying. My license was revoked and I have no access to a vehicle so I'm not worried about that happening again but I can not understand why it does not get through my thick skull that I can not have alcohol. I'm allergic to it, I break out in handcuffs.

I know some of you have said that you hate when people say relapse is part of recovery. I hear what you are saying. I don't even consider my drinking last night a relapse because I don't think I was sober long enough. I honestly thought about pretending I was still sober just to not lose all the days I had achieved but I know from past slips that I need to be completely, utterly honest with myself or my alcoholic mind will convince me that I don't have a problem and would have kept drinking. I did not even drink that much but it was too much for me. I also posted here a couple times during the second week and then have since only read other posts. I was busy with work but I know I will lose my job if I lose my sobriety so my goal is to try to post at least once a day. I need to be able to check in on myself and it helps so much to read other posts here as well.

So it is Day 1 again for me. I feel pretty good. I cleaned my house and will spend time with my son later. Before last night, when I had 3 weeks of sobriety...I was feeling really good about myself, looked better, slept better, self-esteem was higher, had more energy, lost some weight, exercised more, etc. I'm trying not to think about it as a waste of 3 weeks of sober time. Instead I'm excited about all the good things I have to look forward to if I stay sober from here on out. I really do need to take it one day at a time because it's way too much pressure to say I will never ever drink again. I am trying.

Does anyone else get frustrated about counting the days of sobriety? Sometimes I wonder if I should just not think of it that way. In the past I have drank right after 'celebrating' 1 month and 2 months of sobriety. Not sure if it is related. The most I have ever had is 4 months but I have had several 2 month stretches.

I already feel better just writing about it here. So grateful to be sober today and for SR!

doggonecarl

Honesty is a primary component of recovery. Being honest about our failures is one way to be accountable for them.

Count...don't count. There's no rule that says you have to count your sobriety days. For me, every day sober was an accomplishment, and I was happy to count them.

But let me ask you. You've struggled to get and stay sober for a number of years. Do you really think your stumbling block has been counting your sober days?

Grateful11

Ty

Grateful11

Quote:

But let me ask you. You've struggled to get and stay sober for a number of years. Do you really think your stumbling block has been counting your sober days?

No I think there are many reasons I have struggled. I have PTSD from several traumatic events. I know I also struggle when my life is calm because I am so used to chaos. Just to be clear, I am in no way making excuses just curious if other people obsess about the anniversaries. I tend to overthink and complicate it, need to remember to just keep it simple and not take that first drink.

Thanks for your feedback. I will try to look at counting my sober days with a new perspective.

Thepatman

If counting stresses you then don't count. Just mark your date on a paper and burry it for a while.

Counting is never my thing. All that matters is that I am sober the day I am.

Time is only relevant to our state of mind. When our sun burns out into a white star I doubt your sober time will matter much. Live for now.

My 20 cents ;-)

Aarryckha

Congratulations on your decision to start again.

I'm new in my sobriety but I find counting the days to be positive. It's helping to keep me motivated.

Here's a thread if you'd like to read other people's opinions.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...not-count.html

enfinthechange

I kid of know what you mean, and even in reading your post am finding myself thinking 2 things.. one is that poor you, you fell off the wagon and now have to start again... the other is, well if they fell off so can I because its ok to relapse and start again... see how strong the voice is telling you it is ok to drink. It could justify anything.... at all... so maybe you have to squeeze that pimple of relapse by thinking something to remind yourself why you are trying to be sober in the first place.... but what do I know, just thinking out loud!! Keep in keeping on x

Jade1224

I personally have decided to stop counting.

The reason why is because at 5 days, I too "relapsed" but each time I do I realize how much I hate drinking. It's not fun at the time and it's not fun afterwards.

I am tired of day 1. It depresses me and unmotivates me. I feel like a complete failure and that doesn't make me want to start again.

I just want to be happy and healthy and not worry about what I did or didn't do. Im proud of my5 days even if I did relapse. At least I didn't drink 5 days in a row! That could have happened.

I think you and I need to get right back on the wagon. Im not going to pretend it didn't happen but im not going to worry either.

Goldcoastgirl

Hi Jade, I totally agree with you, I got to day 34 then relapsed then fits and starts after that. I have written my new start date on the calendar but not counting as such. Just enjoying now each day. I can always look back and count if I need too.

Kris47

Just don't take that first drink.

Up your plan of recovery.

I'm a newbie, too and know if I want this sobriety I have to work hard at it.

Good luck moving forward.

anchorbird

You are not alone! I am back at day 1 today also. As much as I want to beat myself up, it won't do any good. I need to learn from my mistakes and move on.

Dee74

Welcome back Grateful (you too anchorbird)

regular support can really help - why not join the Class of March support thread?

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...rt-2-a-10.html

D

Bruce292

Take what you've learned from your good weeks of sobriety and apply it to you next weeks of sobriety. In other words learn from the past. What was your thought process when you decided to drink? Can you write that down? There's always that point where drinking seems like a rational decision but a lot of thinking goes on beforehand.

Hevyn

Grateful, Very few of us get it right the first time. In my case I had to have a few setbacks before I took my sobriety seriously. The fact that you wanted to be honest about it is a very good sign - you learned something valuable.

Please be kind and patient with yourself. I know you're disappointed, but good things can come out of this. Never give up reaching out for a better life - you can do this.

KateL

Keep on trying guys. You'll get there in the end xxxxx