Therapy in early recovery?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 112
Therapy in early recovery?
Hi All,
I've been a practicing AA member for 2 years and have worked steps up until 9. I've not stayed sober that entire time but have worked up to step 9. I'm a very different (happier, easier going) person than the one who walked into my 1st AA meeting.
Unfortunately, after relocating I suffered an extended relapse. I put a stop to that by checking myself into a detox, getting sponsor that I use, attending daily meetings (shooting for 90 in 90), and finding an AA home group (2, actually) where I do service work. Daily prayer, calling other members, and getting active socially in AA are among the recommended daily actions I've never taken, but am now. I'm also on Naltrexone and Antibuse, as a security blanket. I know that today, I'm taking the actions I need to take to stay sober.
When I checked into detox, the asked the "have you ever thought of hurting yourself?". I informed them that I had recently had those thoughts, but that I realized that was the active alcoholism talking and not me. I also informed them of a 2006 suicide attempt. After going over my family (intermittent but very acute abuse from my father) and alcohol/drug use history with the detox counselor, they advised I see a therapist or psychiatrist, immediately. The detox counselor believes that negative emotions stemming from my past will put me at risk of relapse until I "deal" with them. My girlfriend of 6 years was made privy (with my permission) of the recommended therapy/psychiatrist appointments, and now insists that I must follow through with that recommendation immediately. If not for myself, I must do it for her. I've told her that I would do it, but that I didn't want to for the reasons I'll provide below.
Previously, for a period of 2 years (from 2010-2012) I was treated by a therapist with a background in addiction and found it mostly not useful. I mostly did it for appearances sake, but did approach it with an open mind, shared openly about my past and with as much honesty as I could muster at the time, and earnestly tried to apply the therapists recommendations. Still, I feel the biggest difference it made in my life was to relieve my checking account of $200/month. I'm not sure what I'll get from therapy. I'm not angry about my life experiences, or even upset at my father anymore. I forgave him long ago, and in the last 10 years of his life, he and I had a very close and loving relationship. My past doesn't make me feel bad in any way that I can see. Thus, I don't see the point of therapy, at least right now. I think that, when sober, I'm a generally happy, driven, and compassionate person. I hardly ever feel angry or frustrated over anything, and am a natural optimist when sober. I really like where I am now and feel I'm taking the right action in my life to stay sober and recover.
My current sponsor has 17 years sober and just started therapy, stating that he would "recommend therapy to anyone in recovery, but only after a period of abstinence, after working the steps". I've not spoken with my sponsor about my own recommendation to a therapist (I will tonight).
My girlfriend (a practicing and sponsored Al-Anon member for 1.5 years) will not back off about the therapist, and feels it's self-centered and neglectful toward her that I not seek therapy. I've stated that my reasons are 1.) I've very little time for therapy between work and AA (I work 50-60 hours/week). 2.) I didn't feel it would be useful at this time. and 3.) I'd rather spend that time and money on a gym membership.
My other thought is that if therapy were the key to recovery, alcoholism would've been treated more effectively before the genesis of AA and related 12 step programs.
Then again, who cares what I think. I'm realizing I am the last person I should listen to regarding my recovery. So, I've come here for advice (during my workday, where it is difficult for me to get the privacy I need to feel comfortable speaking openly over the phone with other AA members).
So, a few questions. What are your thoughts on therapy in early sobriety? Have you found therapy useful in your recovery? Any recommendations on how I should address my girlfriends unwelcome demands that I see a therapist?
I've been a practicing AA member for 2 years and have worked steps up until 9. I've not stayed sober that entire time but have worked up to step 9. I'm a very different (happier, easier going) person than the one who walked into my 1st AA meeting.
Unfortunately, after relocating I suffered an extended relapse. I put a stop to that by checking myself into a detox, getting sponsor that I use, attending daily meetings (shooting for 90 in 90), and finding an AA home group (2, actually) where I do service work. Daily prayer, calling other members, and getting active socially in AA are among the recommended daily actions I've never taken, but am now. I'm also on Naltrexone and Antibuse, as a security blanket. I know that today, I'm taking the actions I need to take to stay sober.
When I checked into detox, the asked the "have you ever thought of hurting yourself?". I informed them that I had recently had those thoughts, but that I realized that was the active alcoholism talking and not me. I also informed them of a 2006 suicide attempt. After going over my family (intermittent but very acute abuse from my father) and alcohol/drug use history with the detox counselor, they advised I see a therapist or psychiatrist, immediately. The detox counselor believes that negative emotions stemming from my past will put me at risk of relapse until I "deal" with them. My girlfriend of 6 years was made privy (with my permission) of the recommended therapy/psychiatrist appointments, and now insists that I must follow through with that recommendation immediately. If not for myself, I must do it for her. I've told her that I would do it, but that I didn't want to for the reasons I'll provide below.
Previously, for a period of 2 years (from 2010-2012) I was treated by a therapist with a background in addiction and found it mostly not useful. I mostly did it for appearances sake, but did approach it with an open mind, shared openly about my past and with as much honesty as I could muster at the time, and earnestly tried to apply the therapists recommendations. Still, I feel the biggest difference it made in my life was to relieve my checking account of $200/month. I'm not sure what I'll get from therapy. I'm not angry about my life experiences, or even upset at my father anymore. I forgave him long ago, and in the last 10 years of his life, he and I had a very close and loving relationship. My past doesn't make me feel bad in any way that I can see. Thus, I don't see the point of therapy, at least right now. I think that, when sober, I'm a generally happy, driven, and compassionate person. I hardly ever feel angry or frustrated over anything, and am a natural optimist when sober. I really like where I am now and feel I'm taking the right action in my life to stay sober and recover.
My current sponsor has 17 years sober and just started therapy, stating that he would "recommend therapy to anyone in recovery, but only after a period of abstinence, after working the steps". I've not spoken with my sponsor about my own recommendation to a therapist (I will tonight).
My girlfriend (a practicing and sponsored Al-Anon member for 1.5 years) will not back off about the therapist, and feels it's self-centered and neglectful toward her that I not seek therapy. I've stated that my reasons are 1.) I've very little time for therapy between work and AA (I work 50-60 hours/week). 2.) I didn't feel it would be useful at this time. and 3.) I'd rather spend that time and money on a gym membership.
My other thought is that if therapy were the key to recovery, alcoholism would've been treated more effectively before the genesis of AA and related 12 step programs.
Then again, who cares what I think. I'm realizing I am the last person I should listen to regarding my recovery. So, I've come here for advice (during my workday, where it is difficult for me to get the privacy I need to feel comfortable speaking openly over the phone with other AA members).
So, a few questions. What are your thoughts on therapy in early sobriety? Have you found therapy useful in your recovery? Any recommendations on how I should address my girlfriends unwelcome demands that I see a therapist?
Sobriety is Traditional
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Orcas Island, Washington
Posts: 9,067
If professionals have recommended therapy, it is probably a good idea. Find a therapist whom you feel will help you.
It says a lot to me that you feel you only worked through step 9. Does this mean that you do not continue to look at what you are doing in your life? You don't devote any time to quiet meditation or prayer? You do not try to live life as well as possible? I can see then why you would be resistant to therapy.
It says a lot to me that you feel you only worked through step 9. Does this mean that you do not continue to look at what you are doing in your life? You don't devote any time to quiet meditation or prayer? You do not try to live life as well as possible? I can see then why you would be resistant to therapy.
Sober Today
Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 779
Originally Posted by MWL1983 
What are your thoughts on therapy in early sobriety? Have you found therapy useful in your recovery? Any recommendations on how I should address my girlfriends unwelcome demands that I see a therapist?
Canine Welfare Advocate
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Norfolk, VA
Posts: 10,962
A whole lot of people bring a whole lot of psychological problems to the table and alcohol only exacerbates them. For the rest of us, alcohol causes the psychological problems.
For many of us, removing alcohol is the solution. For the rest...we should probably do whatever it takes.
As for which camp you fall into, that's for you to decide.
For many of us, removing alcohol is the solution. For the rest...we should probably do whatever it takes.
As for which camp you fall into, that's for you to decide.
Keeping it simple!
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Surrey, BC
Posts: 3,282
I have always been the type that refused counselling as I thought that they either didn't know what they were talking about or the whole thing was bunk. Wrong.
When I got serious about stopping, I went down to the Substance Abuse centre and got myself a drug and alcohol counsellor. Was the best thing I ever did to be honest. He got me into daytox and actually got me talking. But when I went to see him I knew at this point I had to be honest with him.
The important thing is to find someone you click with and you feel comfortable with. Sometimes you have to see a few people before you find someone who will work for you.
I say keep an open mind and at the end of the day you don't have anything to lose by going. Everything we do in our journey is really a learning experience. Some things work and some things don't. You won't know what works unless you at least try it.
When I got serious about stopping, I went down to the Substance Abuse centre and got myself a drug and alcohol counsellor. Was the best thing I ever did to be honest. He got me into daytox and actually got me talking. But when I went to see him I knew at this point I had to be honest with him.
The important thing is to find someone you click with and you feel comfortable with. Sometimes you have to see a few people before you find someone who will work for you.
I say keep an open mind and at the end of the day you don't have anything to lose by going. Everything we do in our journey is really a learning experience. Some things work and some things don't. You won't know what works unless you at least try it.
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Australia
Posts: 3,597
It's kind of pointless to stay in therapy for 2 years if you're not finding it ueful. Try a different therapist or a different kind of therapy. They are not all the same. I've been seeing my shrink once a week for psychotherapy for five years and it's invaluable. I've tried other forms of therapy that didn't do squat.
I see therapy as another tool that helps me with my recovery. I think many people find they need it in addition to meetings and stepwork. AA isn't group therapy, family therapy or any of those things. It's primary purpose is to help us solve our common problem of alcoholism. I have problems other than alcohol so I seek out other tools, even though the advice in the book and working 10-12 provide solutions for many of my problems.
I am kind of lol at your Al-Anon girlfriend being so invested in you going to a therapist. It's no different to saying not stopping drinking is being self-centered and neglectful towards her. I understand her concern, but I would feel controlled and nagged if I had a partner saying that. I'd be pretty un-inclined to do what she was asking me to do, stubborn alcoholic that I am. WHen my exboyfriend, who I thought I was going to marry, started drinking again, I said to him that in order for our relationship to continue, I needed him to stop drinking, do AA properly and see a psychiatrist to be properly medicated for his mental health issues before I could continue in the relationship. I told him very clearly and specifically and supported his efforts, but ultimately he wasn't prepared to do it, so I ended the relationship. Nothing I can do or say will make him do anything he doesn't want to do, so I chose to walk away rather than nag him to change in the way I thought he should change. 2 years later, he not drinking, back in AA and in therapy. Time will tell if it takes and until then I'm still staying at arms length although we go to a meeting together maybe once a week.
I see therapy as another tool that helps me with my recovery. I think many people find they need it in addition to meetings and stepwork. AA isn't group therapy, family therapy or any of those things. It's primary purpose is to help us solve our common problem of alcoholism. I have problems other than alcohol so I seek out other tools, even though the advice in the book and working 10-12 provide solutions for many of my problems.
I am kind of lol at your Al-Anon girlfriend being so invested in you going to a therapist. It's no different to saying not stopping drinking is being self-centered and neglectful towards her. I understand her concern, but I would feel controlled and nagged if I had a partner saying that. I'd be pretty un-inclined to do what she was asking me to do, stubborn alcoholic that I am. WHen my exboyfriend, who I thought I was going to marry, started drinking again, I said to him that in order for our relationship to continue, I needed him to stop drinking, do AA properly and see a psychiatrist to be properly medicated for his mental health issues before I could continue in the relationship. I told him very clearly and specifically and supported his efforts, but ultimately he wasn't prepared to do it, so I ended the relationship. Nothing I can do or say will make him do anything he doesn't want to do, so I chose to walk away rather than nag him to change in the way I thought he should change. 2 years later, he not drinking, back in AA and in therapy. Time will tell if it takes and until then I'm still staying at arms length although we go to a meeting together maybe once a week.
EndGame
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 4,677
What you said:
Despite a history of (recent) relapse (even if it was just the one time), an apparently long history of heavy drinking (enough to get you to AA and use not one but two medications as a "safety net"), and a history of suicidal ideation with at least one serious attempt.
And who said therapy is the "key to recovery?"
What she heard:
"My problems are behind me; no matter how much you and consulting professionals who know my history believe it will be helpful for me/us, therapy doesn't work; and my personal and professional schedules, including going to the gym, are more important than what you think you need from me. In fact, your concerns are no better than fourth on my list."
You've essentially built an inflexible wall around your recovery that leaves you sounding dismissive of input from your girlfriend and trained professionals alike.
Originally Posted by MWL1983
I've stated that my reasons (for not returning to therapy) are 1.) I've very little time for therapy between work and AA (I work 50-60 hours/week). 2.) I didn't feel it would be useful at this time. and 3.) I'd rather spend that time and money on a gym membership.
My other thought is that if therapy were the key to recovery, alcoholism would've been treated more effectively before the genesis of AA and related 12 step programs.
My other thought is that if therapy were the key to recovery, alcoholism would've been treated more effectively before the genesis of AA and related 12 step programs.
And who said therapy is the "key to recovery?"
What she heard:
"My problems are behind me; no matter how much you and consulting professionals who know my history believe it will be helpful for me/us, therapy doesn't work; and my personal and professional schedules, including going to the gym, are more important than what you think you need from me. In fact, your concerns are no better than fourth on my list."
You've essentially built an inflexible wall around your recovery that leaves you sounding dismissive of input from your girlfriend and trained professionals alike.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 112
Thanks for your input everyone. It was certainly eye opening to read (especially EndGameNYC's comment).
Tigerlili, you expressed exactly how I feel - controlled and nagged. It feels like I'm working my butt off on something (about 15-20 hours/week @ meetings, in prayer/meditation, talking to my sponsor, etc.) and she's acting like a backseat driver and critic. It feels like all the effort I'm expending trying to stay sober is unnoticed or resented by her because I'm not jumping back on the therapy bandwagon TODAY. I want to tell her to leave the getting and staying sober part to me, the program of AA, and the people in AA that are helping me.
I fully acknowledge that I could probably greatly benefit from therapy. However, there're only so many hours in the day. I leave for work at 7:30 am, go to a meeting straight from work, and get home between 8:30-9:30 pm (I live in a big city and it takes awhile to get from place to place). Is my time right now, with 2.5 weeks sober, better spent trying to stay sober by doing the 90 meetings in 90 days, rather than addressing underlying issues that may or may not exist?
Ultimately, my recovery is the most important thing in my life. I don't want to screw it up.
Tigerlili, you expressed exactly how I feel - controlled and nagged. It feels like I'm working my butt off on something (about 15-20 hours/week @ meetings, in prayer/meditation, talking to my sponsor, etc.) and she's acting like a backseat driver and critic. It feels like all the effort I'm expending trying to stay sober is unnoticed or resented by her because I'm not jumping back on the therapy bandwagon TODAY. I want to tell her to leave the getting and staying sober part to me, the program of AA, and the people in AA that are helping me.
I fully acknowledge that I could probably greatly benefit from therapy. However, there're only so many hours in the day. I leave for work at 7:30 am, go to a meeting straight from work, and get home between 8:30-9:30 pm (I live in a big city and it takes awhile to get from place to place). Is my time right now, with 2.5 weeks sober, better spent trying to stay sober by doing the 90 meetings in 90 days, rather than addressing underlying issues that may or may not exist?
Ultimately, my recovery is the most important thing in my life. I don't want to screw it up.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 112
Originally Posted by EndGameNYC
What you said:
Despite a history of (recent) relapse (even if it was just the one time), an apparently long history of heavy drinking (enough to get you to AA and use not one but two medications as a "safety net"), and a history of suicidal ideation with at least one serious attempt.
And who said therapy is the "key to recovery?"
What she heard:
"My problems are behind me; no matter how much you and consulting professionals who know my history believe it will be helpful for me/us, therapy doesn't work; and my personal and professional schedules, including going to the gym, are more important than what you think you need from me. In fact, your concerns are no better than fourth on my list."
You've essentially built an inflexible wall around your recovery that leaves you sounding dismissive of input from your girlfriend and trained professionals alike.
Despite a history of (recent) relapse (even if it was just the one time), an apparently long history of heavy drinking (enough to get you to AA and use not one but two medications as a "safety net"), and a history of suicidal ideation with at least one serious attempt.
And who said therapy is the "key to recovery?"
What she heard:
"My problems are behind me; no matter how much you and consulting professionals who know my history believe it will be helpful for me/us, therapy doesn't work; and my personal and professional schedules, including going to the gym, are more important than what you think you need from me. In fact, your concerns are no better than fourth on my list."
You've essentially built an inflexible wall around your recovery that leaves you sounding dismissive of input from your girlfriend and trained professionals alike.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,510
Personally, I wouldn't do it just for your girlfriend. The feelings of resentment you have come across in your post - taking the time, spending the money, just for her. It doesn't seem like it would go well.
On the other hand, if you seek therapy for yourself, I would think that could be very beneficial, if you want it and are open to it.
On the other hand, if you seek therapy for yourself, I would think that could be very beneficial, if you want it and are open to it.
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,781
What Anna said. If you decide to do therapy, do it for you, not your gf. I see a counselor and have found her very helpful in all aspects of my life. We get along very well and I find her to be competent and compassionate. If you can find a therapist like that I think you'd like it better.
EndGame
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 4,677
Originally Posted by MWL1983
Regarding "what she heard", except for the "therapy" doesn't work part, that's about how I feel.
I wouldn't push you one way or another. Just something to think about since you clearly have a lot on your mind.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: east coast
Posts: 1,711
Hi MWL! Glad to hear you are back on the wagon 
I too got and stay sober by using AA. I tried to commit suicide on my last drunk...in a black out I overdosed on pills. And that wasn't the first time I tried. Just the first I got caught. Anyway....I thought that once I stopped drinking those thoughts would go away. They did for a while but just recently I was having passive thoughts to harm myself. So apparently the thoughts are mine because I currently have an extended period of sobriety..In other words, I think drinking just lowered my inhibitions and brought them closer to the surface. The fact that I am in therapy and have been for awhile made it easier for me to share that this was happening. I look at therapy as part of my recovery maintenance. We processed the thoughts and they eventually went away. Will I always need a therapist? Who knows...but only today matters. Hope that helps!
I too got and stay sober by using AA. I tried to commit suicide on my last drunk...in a black out I overdosed on pills. And that wasn't the first time I tried. Just the first I got caught. Anyway....I thought that once I stopped drinking those thoughts would go away. They did for a while but just recently I was having passive thoughts to harm myself. So apparently the thoughts are mine because I currently have an extended period of sobriety..In other words, I think drinking just lowered my inhibitions and brought them closer to the surface. The fact that I am in therapy and have been for awhile made it easier for me to share that this was happening. I look at therapy as part of my recovery maintenance. We processed the thoughts and they eventually went away. Will I always need a therapist? Who knows...but only today matters. Hope that helps!
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