sadathome

I am writing today about my life with a closet alcoholic. He is a loving husband and never hurts me physically but mentally is another story. About 4 years ago he was diagnosed with borderline diabetes and the doctor said no more beer(which he loved--about 12 pk a day) so he went to Whiskey. Well, he drinks the whiskey straight out of the bottle and drinks it like it is water. It is not just a shot of whiskey , he drinks at least 1-2 cups at a time. Once he knows he has a bottle around he will continue to go an drink out of it and then staggers in the house. I usually manage to find the bottles and I usually mark the bottles each time so I can see how much he is drinking. He is trying to be creative so he puts the whiskey in empty pop bottles and stashes them all around outside and inside and hides them in the basement. I have found so many bottles around that I have lost count but I know within the last year it has been around 80. These are the 1 1/2 liter bottles or maybe they are considered 1/2 gal. Everything is metric now so I am not sure but they are bigger ones. I try to confront him and he is either negative or very sorry. I can not take this type of behavior anymore. I need help. I did send him to a 3 day rehab hospital for 3 days and he said that was the best thing that ever happened but he went back to drinking as soon as we got home from his hospital stay. We have 3 grown children and they all know about his problem but they usually don't address it. I can't really talk to them about it as they are always negative and don't want to talk to me about it.
One of them says"just send him away" He will lose his job if he is sent away for rehab and we need the money. He has also stated that if he would never go to a rehab center because it is humilitating and people will talk about him. I can't take his drunkeness anymore. He was drunk again last night. He gets off of work 1 hour before me and he was passed out on the couch when I came home. I am almost certain that he takes a pop bottle with him in the morning so that he can have it on the way home as we live about 4 miles from his work.

FreeOwl

oh man..... that's pretty dang rough.

Have you looked into Al-Anon or any similar support for yourself? He's not sounding like someone ready to get help, but you certainly can reach out for help in supporting yourself.

sircaptnobvious

AA! I was that husband for a year and a half. but I hid it from my wife. I finally came clean with my wife and luckily for me she stayed by my side and supported me. I just got my 30 day chip yesterday! Try and get him to go to an AA meeting. If he can stick with it....it does work.

FeelingGreat

Hi Sadathome, welcome to SR. I'm sorry for the reason that brings you here but you'll find SR is a great place to come and vent, and to hear other's experiences.
Your husband's behaviour sounds like an awful thing to live with, especially as he has no plans to help himself. With the hiding of bottles and drinking in the morning, (I bet that pop bottle is for a top-up on the way to work),it sounds like he's pretty far down the path of alcoholism. At this rate he will probably lose his job anyway, regardless of rehab. because it's hard to drink at that rate without others knowing.
You are running after him, looking for bottles, marking the levels, working out what he drinks. Give yourself a rest, you can't control him, and your vigilance is not having any effect on him. Find some support for yourself - I know what young adult children are like, and you can't count on help from them. They are starting their own lives and don't want to solve their parent's problems.
Alanon would be a great start for you. It's for the families of alcoholics, and you'll meet many people who are going through the same thing. They also have a lot of literature you can read. The internet is a great source of information, as long as you stick to reputable sources, and so is SR.
Please think about how you can cope if he loses his job or you separate. Do you have some savings, or your own money? If not, try hard to put some aside for yourself where he can't access it. Think about returning to work or getting further training. I'm not saying leave him, but the way he's going you may end up on your own anyway.

Nonsensical

I am sorry you are having a rough time.

I was that husband, too. Don't bother confronting him, he'll just get defensive. He is addicted, and the addiction makes him terrified of giving up alcohol. Cornered animals lash out.

Set your boundaries. Is there a place where you draw the line? If so, communicate that to him. Not as a confrontation, but as a frank discussion.

And find a support group. It can do wonders to talk to others who understand.

Best of Luck on Your Journey.

GotGrace

Welcome to SR, Sad. Wow. I really feel for you. You will find tremendous support here. And I hope you will check out Al Anon, too. Hugs to you.

KateL

I was that wife for many years hiding bottle all over the place. I do feel for you xxxxxxxx

least

Welcome to the SR family. The only thing you can do, besides getting support for yourself, is to set boundaries for his behavior. What you will tolerate and what you won't. We have a forum here for friends and family of alcoholics that you may be interested in. And give AlAnon a try. You need the support.


Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

thatcat

I was that wife, with hidden bottles, and top-ups at work. (If he is drinking that much, it's probable that he sips through the workday too.) Toward the end, I was drinking around the clock, including waking up at all hours of the night and sipping. I always felt ashamed of what I was doing, and the amount of family money I was wasting, but was afraid to try to stop, for many reasons. Thankfully I did, but not until after a divorce, jaundice and a failing liver and hospital stay, a dui, quitting two jobs, and a pile of embarrassment. Family support and my doctor's help got me through it. And AA.

I hope your husband doesn't progress as far as I did. There's lots of good advice in this thread. Best of luck and many ((hugs)) to you.

resolute50

That was me 230 days ago.
Only difference was my choice of poison.
I made up my mind that I was done with alcohol.
I had to stop for me first,then those that I love.
I realized that it was slowly killing me.
I also have Type 2.

BTW,hard stuff is just as deadly if not more for a diabetic.

It is going to be up to him when he stops.
Don't give up talking to him about it.

GreenEggsAndHam

Yes all of this!

He has to want to quit. And losing his job is better than losing his life, which will happen if it continues. Embarrassment? No one is proud and happy to go to treatment - this is an excuse to keep drinking. I know this is hard. My heart goes out to you. ((hugs))

Ruby2

I am sorry that you are going through this. It is rough. FeelingGreat has super comments. You can't control anything about your husband's drinking. It will only make you crazy. For your own sake, stop counting the bottles. I did stuff like that and found that it really didn't make a difference either way as to whether my husband drank and used or didn't. He still lost his job.

do you have a plan for support if your husband loses his job? Or has a major health setback and can't work? Resolute50 is right - hard liquor is just as bad as beer. Alcohol is basically liquid sugar.

He has to want this for himself and it doesn't sound like your husband is near ready to stop. Welcome here and take care of your self.

Raider

I'm sorry. Blessings your way.

sadathome

I appreciate all your support and encouragement. It is amazing how many terrific people are out there that care! The past weekend was disappointing but yet satisfying. I am still depressed about his drinking and lying about it all the time. It gets me really depressed knowing he is lying and I think in one sense he realizes that he is lying but in the other sense, I feel he really thinks I am going to believe him. He thinks he can "pull the wool over my eyes" and I've known him for so long I can tell immediately that he has been drinking and he always denies it. I am very scared to go into any support groups of fear of someone finding out and my husband loses his job. Even thou I am employed I don't want him to lose his job as he is very close to retirement. I appreciate the support from here!

IOAA2

Hi Sad. I agree strongly with the advise above about Al Anon and Friends and families on this site. Finding help there is for and about you, who perhaps needs as much or more help. You'll find out that we can't get anyone sober or drunk and the focus is on ourselves. There's a lot to learn but in the end you become a better person for yourself and your family.


BE WELL

LBrain

I didn't read all posts so so sorry if this is a repeat.

First things first. The fact that he went to a 3 day stint is at least an acknowledgement on his part the he has a problem. Since your children are aware this is not a secret. I don't know the employer or what kind of job it is. But if you have medical benefits from the job then he cannot lose his job if he goes to rehab. Just the same as he cannot lose his job if went to the hospital for cancer treatment. The ADA ensures this - it is against the law.
But he must go through his employer first. See a medical professional that specializes in addiction. Get a recommendation for treatment and enter into at least a 30 day program. I know this is difficult - I'VE BEEN THERE!
You and your family should facilitate this. I hate the term intervention. But, a reasonable person should at least be able to understand the concerns of loved ones and be willing to have a sit down to discuss it. Is it more embarrassing to go to rehab to get help than to lose a job over alcohol? Not getting treatment may soon lead to such a scenario. Talk to your family and come to a consensus over what path to take. Then, as a group discuss this with your husband. Be sure to do it in a positive light. Showing negative emotions or using a negative approach can do more harm than good. I know ultimatums did not work for me. It just made me hide it more. A caring loving approach is the only way. When my wife told me to stop drinking beer I said okay. And when she would come home and ask me if I drank any beer today I could "honestly" say no. Because I had a bottle of vodka stashed in the garage I didn't need beer!
Best of luck.

Elisabeth888

I suggest he go to strait to AA and raise his hand and ask for a temporary sponsor.

He is going to lose his job if he keeps drinking, I GUARANTEE it. It is better to be a sober alcoholic in AA than a wet one out there.

CarryOn

Welcome, Sadathome, though I'm sorry for what brought you here. I am also married to an Alcoholic, though he is now in recovery. Unfortunately, there is little to nothing you can do to help your husband become sober as he must make that decision for himself. You can, however, get help for yourself to lessen the impact of his drinking on you.

I highly recommend looking into AlAnon and/or seeking out a therapist for yourself, specifically one that has alcoholism as a focus area. One of the main tenets of AlAnon is anonymity - 'who you see here, what is said here...let it stay here' so you do not need to be concerned about someone reporting your attendance at AlAnon to your husband's employer. I also would not be so concerned about him losing his job should he go rehab...employers are generally (I know there are exceptions) willing to work with employees that reach out for help in dealing with issues. On the flip side, I can almost guarantee that being found to be under the influence at work will get him fired.

Please consider AlAnon, and as others mentioned, there is a Friends & Family board on SR where you will find many others that can offer their Experience, Strength & Hope.

wpainterw

Has his liver been tested? Any way to do that? Like his going for a "normal" blood test to "make him feel better"? That's what got my attention in the end. Enzymes way up and a nurse telling me that she'd seen folks die of liver disease and also of cancer and that she'd choose cancer any old day since the other was so painful and horrible. That was a wake up call for me and I haven't had a drink since. It's been over 25 years. My liver recovered. Alcoholics often don't want to quit because they fear withdrawal. One way of persuading them is to give them a bigger fear. That of a horrible way to die. This can be reinforced by reciting the obvious other things. Loss of jobs, DUI's, loss of family, homelessness, sometimes prison. No point searching out the bottles. It just prolongs the game. You can't "control" it.

W.

sadathome

I am deeply moved by your response. I struggle every day with his problem. My nights are sleepless and have a terrible time making it thru the day. I cry a lot and feel helpless. Our kids are all grown and gone and one of them will not return to my house because of his problem. The other two just ignore it and won't even talk to me about it. They act like I am making this all up.
He does not do any harm to anyone but he just shelters himself outside and when he comes in he denies that he has been drinking even thou many times he can hardly walk. He begs me to stay and when he is sober everything is to be fine. Well, my heart is so full of sadness that I don't have anyone to talk to. Last night he was drunk and I told him I was going to commit him to rehab and he begged me not to. He fears the thought of losing his job over his problem and all the other employees picking on him as he knows what type of people they are.