littlefish

I can absolutely relate to how bad it got for you because my progression was very similar. Work at home, same drill for meeting clients, in the end I was wearing my teenage boy's old t shirts and sweatpants.
Weight gain, pre-diabetes development and a huge beer belly, red face and I still have the broken veins as a souvenir of those happy times.

It is baffling to understand the progressive nature of this disease. I think all of us had the ability to enjoy alcohol at one point. For some of us it was that drink on the beach in the sunset, the wine with an excellent meal, etc, etc.

But for me, and I am just talking about me now, I never had a normal relationship to alcohol despite the early non-chronic years. From the first drink, I had an emotional relationship to alcohol the way over eaters have an emotional relationship to food.

Reward, relief, release, emotional numbness, escape, these were the things I wanted when I drank. Normal people don't seek all of that from a drink, they just want a cool beverage or an interesting tasting cocktail at a party. that's all.

It helped me see a life without alcohol when I understood and accepted that I am not normal when it comes to alcohol. I liken it to being a heart patient who is cannot eat normally when it comes to saturated fats or a diabetic when it comes to sugar.

And, when it comes right down to it, that fantasy of the drink at the beach: it was mostly a fantasy. In a very short time I went from the colorful drinks by the pool to pouring vodka into a sippy cup and calling it "water".

scintillady

I used to buy a box because it was easier to hide how much I was drinking. Nobody would know how much was gone unless they picked up the box and realized how light it was, as opposed to having the empty bottles around as evidence. Sometimes I would have 2 boxes going at once and hide one so neither of them would appear to be getting empty. When I went to visit my sister-in-law in Florida, I had one box in my suitcase and went into my room to drink out of that so she wouldn't know that I was drinking more than the couple of glasses that everyone else was having. I even offered to go and buy groceries so that I could get another box without her knowing, and I brought both empty boxes back with me in my suitcase so I didn't have to throw them away at her house. Amazing to what lengths us alcoholics will go.

Hevyn

Welcome 78ford. I'm proud of you for reaching out and wanting to reclaim your life. We all know how hard it is to get started, but it sounds like you are more than ready for this change.

I wondered too how I'd ever live without my 'friend' - but we promise you there is life after alcohol. You've been through hell with it - you'll feel so good to be free.

Dee74

I can definitely relate...home all day...box wine was cheap and potent..

I don't think there's anyway back from that destructive kind of drinking myself - no reset button....but like Carl said, why would you want to?

at 5 days it's pretty normal to worry about forever. Try and take it a day a time. I will not drink today sounds a lot more achievable...

Keep it up and you'll have 30-60-90 days strung together, you find that your attitudes will probably change a little, and hopefully forever will not seem as impossible.

deeker

Yes I can relate. I still eat to many sweets.

I never tell myself I can not ever drink again. I take it 24 hours at a time. I just don't drink now. It is always now. I just don't drink now.

Getting sober is not comfortable. There is no comfortable solution.

Unfortunately we will have to do many things that are uncomfortable to maintain our sobriety.

silentrun

I had a similar progression. Started doing all this drinking in my early 30's and somehow it just got away from me. Slowly at first then 2 really bad years at the end. It seems so ominous at first but day by day it gets easier. That worthless depressed feeling took about 6 weeks to really lift. You can turn things around just keep working on what is directly in front of you and try not to think to far ahead. Right now it is to not put anymore alcohol in your system however you have to do it. P.S. your hair probably will grow back and it will be shinny too.

bigsombrero

Well 78ford, I have a lot in common with you. I was "good" through my early 30's, then by 35 I was starting to drink alone more often. A gallon of vodka every three days or so. I quit my job out of spite, and by 37 I'd gained a lot of weight, stopped showering, took on a terrible gambling habit and nearly died from alcohol-related seizures. Now I have over 20 months of sobriety and I'm really happy I made the move. You can get there too.

You speak very true words of warning for the young....yet you've been sober for five days? I know it seems like forever, but this isn't even the tip of the iceberg. If you knew what was coming your way on Day 15 or Day 28 or Day 102 you'd turn back to the bottle right now, let me assure you. It's a wild ride out here in Sober Land. That said it seems like you're brave enough to try and get things together. That speaks volumes about your character and intelligence. Something inside you knows you can do better. And it seems you still have some wits about you, and care enough to grab the life raft while you still can. Smart. This could save your life.

As you're still trying to secure your grasp on this life-line, I wouldn't worry about "forever" right now - when the time comes to process your grief for the permanent loss of alcohol from your life, you can do that. But right now the only way to get to that point is start stringing together some sober time. One day at a time. Stay sober tonight, wake up and have breakfast, and keep plugging away. Put 30 of those days together in a row and then you can worry about the next 30. Don't get fancy right now. Start simplifying things. Welcome and good luck, I'm glad you're sober today and hope you find a plan to make that happen tomorrow also.

78ford

this is a test again to see if this appears within your box and comment to me.......

78ford

lete see if I have finally figured out how to answer to YOU within our box...> ?

Discovery14

This sounds familiar

It scared me to see how many empty bottles of wine were in the recycle bin. A 5 liter box of wine looks a lot more innocent even when it is empty. Also been there with the multiple boxes of wine stashed around, getting one glass from box 1, the next from box 2, continue on to box 3. Resupply when the spouse would be out for the day.

78ford

okay okay, again, I do not know how to say something to someone who has spoken to me within the same box which they spoke to me! can anyone explain how I actually respond to a comment made directly to me via being able to say something back directly to them inside the same box?

Pondlady

I too was a wine drinker and worried about "forever". It'll be two years this June for me and I honestly don't think about it anymore or miss it. I've recently been to several events where people are drinking and I don't like it....it smells, people get loud and goofy. I prefer drinking something refreshing and keeping my wits about me.

I'm doing quite a bit of volunteer work these days, in addition to my job and just don't think I could do it if I was "checked out" on a daily basis. Just keep things simple for now. I eat chocolate regularly

LadyinBC

That is awesome! You should put this in your signature so that everyone can remember that we are all better than that when things get tough.

I was absolutely terrified to stop drinking. Terrified. It is a scary thought to lose the only thing you have ever know.

I don't do forever. All that is required of me for today is to get thru today without a drink. That is it. That is all you need to focus on. Keep it simple.

Nonsensical

I don't think you can. Responses will always appear at the bottom of the thread.

Aarryckha

Done! Thank you for the suggestion!

bigsombrero

Hey man,

Just scroll to the bottom of the page and post in that "Quick Reply" box down there. Your response will appear at the end of the thread. You cannot reply to someone "in their own box", as the discussion here is just one continuous thread. If you want to reply to someone specifically, you can certainly hit the "Quote" button in their box (which you have been doing), however that message also will still appear at the end of the thread. Most of the time people just reference someone if they want to address their specific messages. For example, you can scroll down to the Quick Reply field and type:

"LadyinBC, thanks for your input. I was also terrified to quit drinking and I think you have a great philosophy. I also like the picture of that dog jumping over the sheep, it's pretty funny".

That's the most common way to carry on a conversation here at SR.

Dee74

^ what he said

you'll get the hang on it 78ford

D

Looking4Help123

78ford a lot of your story is similar to mine. I am now day 9/10 and can tell you thst the only way 'through' this for me has been to dismiss the forever question and just focus on NOW or TODAY. My hope is that I'll string together so many 'now' days that the fear of forever will just fade and become a bit silly. But even if it doesn't I will have perfected NOW so I just won't ever have to answer the forever question!

You sound like you have reached a good space for doing this. Try reading as much as you can it will help you understabd how you are feeling or why you are feeling it. I am no expert but it has helped me immensely!

Post often! hope to hear from you soon

mathmajor

Oh no you have to quit for good... ascites is a big sign your liver is having a bad time. If you fall off the wagon again you might be in for a world of hurt. Please do it for yourself and your loved ones. There is so much more to life.

LadyinBC

I just love that picture. I saw it and had to use it. I think it is a wolf though. Not sure if it is photo shopped or not, but I just like it.

It is just a moment in time of an animal doing something silly which is something we all should do everyone once in awhile . If I am having a bad day sometimes looking at the picture just reminds me to be silly.