chaos34

This is my first post here. I've been lurking around the site for nearly a week or so now. When I first found this place I was sitting in my car drinking. I wasn't going to drive anywhere ( though I have been guilty of doing this before), my car is the only place I have left that I can drink whatever I want without scrutiny. I'd never thought of myself as an alcoholic and a couple of times I would ask my "friends" if they thought that I were one. The answer was always no. I've even attended AA meetings in the past because I thought that I had a problem. Unfortunately I would sit and listen to the things that others went through and I would always say to myself, well that won't be me.

4 years ago I knew I had a problem. I was in denial. I turned to others waiting on them to confirm what I already new about myself, I am an alcoholic. In the past year I have lost my home, had to quit my job and move across country to live with my mother. I've finally hit "the bottom" that I had heard so many stories about. I'd give anything in the world to go back and not ever had picked up the first drink.

Every night I come here and read. While my son is in karate class, I read. My urge to drink is always the strongest at night once my son 7y/o is sleeping. I figure this way he won't see me doing it. My mother let me know 2 days ago that he knew what I was doing. He could smell it on me when he woke up. He just didn't want to hurt my feelings and tell me that I stink. I've finally run out of money completely and have to depend solely on my AH for financial support. Yeah, I have an AH too. Right now I am working on myself.

I'm so sorry if this post makes no sense. I just had the opportunity to come out of my shell and tell my story. As for Honesty being the hardest part, well for me it was. I have to live with the fact that I lied a lot to get the next drink. I lied about how much I really drank. I've spent the past 4 years living a life of lies. Being honest with people now about the lies I told is getting hard. Especially when it comes to my mother.

Thanks to you all for posting. It gave me the strength to know that I can and will make it through this. 1 day at a time right?

phoebe64

Welcome to SR. There is tons of support here. Are you still drinking?

feeling-good

and welcome - this is a good place for support. Stick around and read and post lots.

chaos34

No. My last drink was last night around 9pm. I slept well but still felt like crap this morning. I really want to make it past a couple of days. I've gone 2 weeks before. That was my longest dry period.

Ghostlight1

Hello, and welcome. You've found a good spot. I'm an alcoholic, too.

I knew I had a problem, but I wasn't in denial. I watched myself fall into the trap of alcoholism. Knew it along it would happen if I didn't stop.

We can't go back and never take that first drink, but we can not pick up the next one.
I hit bottom, too. Lost everything had to live with friends and yet still drank.

You're not alone in your problem, although our circumstances may be different, I understand how it is.

Welcome again, and best to you.

tornrealization

Welcome!

tornrealization

You can do it!

Aarryckha

Welcome! You've found a great place for support.

Just worry about getting through today. You can do it!

Facing up to the hurt we've caused is going to be hard. I think we can all relate.

We're here for you!

phoebe64

Keep reading and posting if you want to drink. It helps and there is usually someone here on this newcomers page.

chaos34

It's funny that you said this, it's really what I wanted to say but can't get the words out of my head to express this. I'm finding that conversation are hard for me as well. I been having problems focusing. It's quite scary to me.

Aarryckha

Join us in the class of March 2014! There's some great people there!

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ch-2014-a.html

toddle118

Welcome . I too lost more or less everything, lots of us will know how you feel.

It is scary to admit you have a problem as you have to then face it full on...try to keep to the forefront of your mind how you feel now, re read your posts and others if you ever feel tempted, or post on here, everyone is understanding and friendly and no one is judgemental...you can do it

PurpleKnight

Welcome to the Forum!!!

ImperfectlyMe

A warm welcome to the community

Sparkos

Welcome Chaos.
As Aarry said come and join us Marchers. Extra support from a smaller group who all started on the recovery journey together in March 2014

chaos34

Thanks everyone. I thought that admitting my embarrassing truth would be difficult. My reality is that I feel like a weight had been lifted. I knew that from my lurking that this was a safe place. The fact that you all have stopped and taken a moment to share a kind word means a lot!! Especially coming from folks who understood what I was trying to say. Thanks a million.

Shoshie8

Welcome, chaos. You've made it out of denial, made it though day 1 and posted. Those are *massive* steps so stay with it and stay with SR. The kindness, understanding and wisdom I've seen dispensed in the few days I've been on here has amazed me - glad you delurked, stay strong and keep posting x

Dee74

Hi Chaos

I think a lot of us can identify with your story. The great thing about SR is we understand

I'm glad you found us

D

Hevyn

Hi Chaos - we're so glad you joined us. This is the best place ever for support & encouragement.

I know what you mean about being relieved to tell your story. I had no one in my life to talk to about it - so being here meant so much. No one judged me and everyone understood my feelings. It sounds like you're on your way to a better life.

chaos34

I'm so happy that I've found this place. It's less scary than the AA meetings and for me, I've learned so much in a couple of weeks. I no longer feel like an alien that has to hide