Thepatman

I'm here also. Prayers going your way!

Mizzuno

I finally slept some. It was not restful but at least it was something. My body is on overdrive. I feel like my system is racing a hundred miles an hour. When talking with the doctor yesterday, he was able to give me guidance and to let me know that this process will be long. He said that I am grieving. We talked about the fact that I have gone on a tranquilizer to function and how the tranquilizer has the potential to become habit forming. I will go to speak with him again in 3 weeks and we will access if I need to go onto an anti-depressant. He wants me to adjust the sedative and let him know how much, and at what level, I feel good enough to function. From the looks of it, a higher dose is the only thing that is keeping me in reality and keeping my eyes dry. I may not always be so visibly upset, so I am giving it some time. I have to let all of this sink in. I feel angry, sad, confused, I want to break things, then sob.....I want to dig a hole and bury myself in it. I want to be the one going through what my sister is going through. I do not feel comfortable sharing my sisters thoughts. Forgive me if this sounds self absorbed. I have to respect her privacy in this situation. Also, I have to acknowledge that it is acceptable for me to be upset and acceptable for me to talk about this. We are all affected. So, as much as i didnt want to do this sedative thing, desperate times call for desperate measures. I am lucky enough to have this Doctor to see me through what is going to be the biggest battle we have ever walked. I have been brutally honest with him about this scenario. AND he has been brutally honest with me about this scenario. The last thing I need is false hope or lies. Lay it out on the table and let me make sense of it. And if I cant make sense of it, tell me over and over and over again until I accept this reality.

Does this mean that my sobriety is over? I dont think so. My issue revolved around alcohol. It wreaked havoc on my life. Now there is something different wreaking havoc and I have no control and it is with the life of my dear sister. Its a helpless feeling. The only way that I can be there for her and my family is if I am present and not uncontrollably crying. This is my morning update. Im tired.

Dear God, Thank you for all that has been given to each and everyone of us. Bless my sister with strength, with love. Let her put her guard down and accept help from her family. Let my sister, brother, and I have the time to build a strong foundation. Most of all please show us that miracles do happen. Bless each and everyone of us on this forum with strength and perseverance. Bless us with a calm heart and mind. Allow us to be grateful and open to the endless possibilities in this world. I will let you guide me. Thank you for showing me that there is light and love.

Mizzuno

soberclover

Thinking of you and your loved ones Mizzuno...big cyberhugs!

ImperfectlyMe

Thanks for the update Mizz you've been in my thoughts and prayers constantly! I really feel for you. Your sobriety is not broken. This is an extreme circumstance, which you are using medication as medication should be used.

If you ever need a friend you can always PM me. Your family is in my prayers. And don't forget you are no good to take care of anyone around you unless you're taking care of yourself.
Make sure you put on your oxygen mask first.

SoberLeigh

Mizz - I will pray your prayer every day. Peace, comfort, resolve and strength to you, Mizz. We are with you.

Dee74

At some time most of us will have to face the issue of taking a prescribed med.

I think it's important you be candid with your Dr about your past, and vigilant with how you take the med - and brutally honest with yourself about how it makes you feel when you do.

sounds to me like you're doing all that right now Miz

D

MythOfSisyphus

I'm so sorry for what you're facing, Mizz. I wish we could do more, all we can do I guess is just be here for you.

Mizzuno

Slept last night. That is it. Heading out to visit and help my sister today. Im overjoyed and also really scared. Im still really tired. Thank you all for the endless support. It takes a village sometimes. Please know that I am also trying to give as much as I can. I know it does not look that way right now.

Carlotta

I hope you are feeling a little better today Mizzuno
Stay strong and don't pick up that first drink no matter what. It looks like you are processing your emotions and are aware of the process, it also looks like you are taking your meds as prescribed.

Big hugs

Mizzuno

Yes, I am taking these meds as prescribed. I have had to adjust them and see what works and what does not. I know the potential for overuse is there. So as of today, I have not taken anything. I will take some before I go and see my sister. I dont think she needs a blubbering mess in front of her. I am on a very very low dose. The doctor has said that I have room with this dosage, but I am not taking that like I can just swallow everything and its not a problem. He is monitoring the situation as well as I. I do understand the fine line I am walking. The good news is that with the help of these meds I worked yesterday, I washed the dishes, I paid the bills. Stuff got done.

WillB

Mizz - have to be careful with the meds...most you can't take only when 'needed' unless dr said that's ok.

Gilmer

Just saw this thread. Praying for you and your sister, Mizz!

Mizzuno

I appreciate that. As I have stated in previous posts, I am taking the meds as prescribed and they are keeping me on the planet. I do understand. Being honest is the only thing that I can do at this moment. Being able to function is the goal, not high or abusing.

Thepatman

Hope things are going well and that your sobriety flash light is still shinning bright.

The mountain seems high from the bottom, but with one baby step at a time it is inevitable that you will reach to top. It's faster to roll down from it then climb up. Be kind to yourself, your allowed to take a deep breath before next step.

upandup

Let that be the least of your worry, dear. Take care of yourself. You're in my thoughts *hugs*

aussieblue

Sending prayers and strength your way. Take care Mizzuno.

HeadLump

Thinking of you and your family, Mizz

Anna

I hope you feel better, Mizzuno.

Mizzuno

I went to my sister yesterday. I was able to be there for her and clean up the house. Mopped the rooms. Hung the curtains. She asked me to compartmentalize this situation if I could. I held back all of my tears until we were curled up on the couch with one another. She was so sweet to say that we should wait for the "real News" so that we can sob on the floor together. She had me take many personal items away that she didnt want to look at. Memories that she has tucked away into a suitcase that was our grandmothers. She said "That Is my suitcase".....I said "Yes, but can I say it was grandma's too?" She replied "Yes, only you can say that!" At first she was apprehensive to let me get anything done. I told her with eyes welling up "Please this is what I can and want to do, please let me help you, otherwise I feel useless" My dear sister. Over the last two months she has lost 50 lbs. Ovarian Cancer. We ate food. We went out to eat, and she insisted on paying. I am so happy that the food that I made for her was better tasting than the food we ordered. Her appetite is coming back and its ravenous. This is a good sign. SO, I have all of these items to give to goodwill in my car, things that she no longer has use for. I will go through them and keep some. I just feel like I cant get rid of them at all. I slept. I have work today. I would rather be with her during this time but I have the whole weekend available to spend time with her.