i've been away. i've been isolating. i don't know how to go forward.
 

I swear, i am treading water in a life that's trying to drown me. I've relocated recently and have made a couple of acquaintances but i'm afraid to make real friends.

I've lived a somewhat transient life. My only real friends are thousands of miles away. I have nothing tying me to where i am. I had just started making friends in Milwaukee and then a few months later, i had to leave. I dunno what to do.

Sometimes, i think i'd rather be alone and drunk rather than be sober and make friends. I think my husband has finally found a company he can be happy with for a long time but ****, i'm so burned out.

My lifestyle lets me live alone and drunk. As long as dinner is on the plate at night and we have a fun on the weekend, then it's fine. I wanna either be a Mom or have a career but my drinking prevents both of those. Hell, i can't even work a minimum wage job because i'll just end up drinking again. I don't even know what to DO! Well, i wanna be a Mom but i can't go much longer. I feel like no one wants me.

My husband doesn't even really want me. I think i'm his pet. I pee on the carpet and he smacks my nose and tells me where to pee next time. I am so amazingly sad. I drink, i get better and i screw up. I have no direction. I abhor making new friends. I am afraid my husband will be let go and i will have to go through the agonizing process of making friends again. I'm a leaf on the wind so i feel like i out to drift around and never make friends again.

I'm also a kept woman. I feel so guilty. I have been given a lot and i have squandered it. There are so many women who deserve so much more than i've been given. Money is not, and probably never will be, an issue for me. I worked my ass off at one point but now? I'm a leach. I cook, i clean and i drink.

"Dost thou not suspect my place? Dost thou not suspect my years? Oh that he were here to write me down an ass! But masters remember now that i am an ass; though it not be written down, yet forget not that i am an ass."

I am an ass and i know that i will be nothing but an ass. I am superficial in all my dealings and whatever i am, i am, my friends, is an ass. Funny, stubborn, foolish...i shall always be an ass. People, may dare me to be something else but i am afraid that my go-to persona shall always be an ass.

I could use a hug but i'm kinda over letting anyone touch me. I wish i could just give up. And yet i shall smile and go on and do my best to be the person i think i should be.

I think dying young may be a blessing to everyone. Mourn and move on. No one here needs an ass.

Welcome back DG - I wondered how you were :)

I look at your sig and I can't help but wonder - why not reconnect with AA where you are now?

It seems to have worked best for you in the past when you did that?

D

I agree with Dee. Connect with AA.

Welcome back displacedGRITS :) Your words have certainly helped and inspired me in the past. You are better than this, you know you can do it.

As has been said maybe going back to AA would be a good step. I know I'm at my worst when I isolate.

This is the problem, without changing your lifestyle to one that doesn't facilitate drinking, the same pattern of life will continue, not just for you but for all of us.

If all we do is eliminate alcohol and continue with the same lifestyle, we'll simply sit around bored and thinking about alcohol as that's what used to fill our time. The consequence being the temptation becoming too much.

Instead we need to carve out a new lifestyle, new activities, plenty of support and accountability!!

You can do this!! :)

Welcome back DG.Coming back here is a great start

DG... Always good to see you. Please stick around for a bit.

You may be provided for. You may feel as though things are less real around you.

But nothing is more real than the honesty you show here. Provide for yourself today by going to AA or any other way you need to stop drinking.

You deserve it. Please be well.

Ken

Welcome back!
Your letter is full of self-reproach and also a lot of future destruction thoughts! You know that a lot of that is caused by the drinking. Drinking takes our self-confidence and tosses it right out the window.

I felt exactly like you: feeling worthless, not making a salary, felt like my husband made all the decisions, couldn't relate to the friends I had. Etc.
You can change all of that and get your confidence back, it really can happen in recovery.
The chances of you making it happen without a program are slim, though. I would highly recommend that you get working on this today: find a program, or outpatient care, or an addictions therapist. Or, you do can do what I did: all of that!
I made my recovery a full time job.
It's paid off a hundred fold. I can't emphasize enough the rewards you will experience in sobriety.

Hi Displacedgrits,

Glad you are back. What happened? Drinking sure doesn't help to dispel those negatve thoughts. I have a had a couple of the ones you mentioned recently and I certainly would have drank on them in the past I see that as futile as trying to extinguish a fire with gasoline. I am a member of AA and I would recommend you get back to the program or something. I don't get to many because of where I live but I do follow the program.

Please keep reading and posting, I like/liked your posts a lot.

Welcome back
CaiHong

You sound as down on yourself as I am on myself. This is the disease talking. You are just as valuable as anyone else. My advice and what has been helping me so far is AA (and I'm not even religious), THERAPY (stressing that one), medication (mine for anxiety and also I'm on Antabuse - everyone is different), and reaching out to people even when I don't want to pick up the phone.

Since you don't have to work, have you thought of volunteering somewhere? Local hospital, humane society, etc. I was a stay-at-home-mom mom for several years and it's very isolating and can actually decrease self-worth in many cases.

Wishing you some clarity in your thoughts DG. If you have time maybe a shrink is worth the visit? theyll also help you sort things out. The path may seem lost now but im sure there is one for you to happiness.

DG. At least stay in touch here; don't isolate yourself any more than you have. You have a lot of caring friends here who want the best for you. Start again with AA and let your service there help you to value yourself again. You are a good person.

Change those things in green and you'll be amazed at what happens to that thing in red. :)

Welcome back to the fight of your life. :ring

Yay, you're back! I do hope that you find your way. I know that I continued to struggle and be lost when I was actively drinking. Nothing in my life worked when I was drinking. I, too, had an affair....that ended along with the other bad habits of mine when I became sober. Sobriety helps me make right choices in my life. I hope you find your way to a meeting soon :)

^This. You can change all this today. Emphasis on the YOU

Not sure what to say, but what u say is I know it well.

wish I could give u some great words and comfort in fighting this crap, but im in the same place.

xxx

Lots of us are in the same place. :hugs: I just wanted to offer some hugs.