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Need to surrender..

Old 03-10-2014, 10:38 PM
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painless
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Cool Need to surrender..

Im 48 years old and have been fighting opiate addiction for over 14 years... I injured both legs and was put on OXYCONTIN and Im sure as you all know it was downhill from there on out.. At one point I was prescribed up to eight 80mg pills per day. Needles to say an addiction was born. It took me 4 years to finally be able to walk and throughout all that time i tried every type of pain pill there was because nothing seemed to work anymore. My wife at the time used to medicate me but she was also medicating herself without me knowing first. I found out because my doctor called me and told me my wife called twice in one week telling him i accidentally flushed my pills down the toilet and needed more. Well that lie only worked that one time. After a few more tries my doctor cut me off totally because i couldnt respect caring safely for my medication. I went from taking 6 to 8 oxys a day to having nothing...i woke up and felt sick as hell not knowing i was in full withdrals. A friend came by and saw me sick like that and made a few calls to some drug dealing friends and when the knock came and the door was opend THE DEVIL HIMSELF came walking in.. I bought 10 bags of Heroin from him for just a hundred bucks... that same devil has knocked on my door or I knocked on his door the past 14 years on and off. There have been times where I have kicked dope by myself with methodone and subs, etc... and my return to using was always based on my being in chronic PAIN. Ive overdosed a few times but was never hospitalized cause the cops were never called. Im a TOMORROW kinda guy at times... TOMORROW ILL QUIT... TOMORROW ILL ONLY USE A LITTLE AND WEEN DOWN. TOMORROW ILL LOOK FOR HELP.. TOMORROW ILL ONLY SPEND $50 BUCKS... TOMORROW ILL... TOMORROW THAT... BUT when Tomorrow came the devil came with it. my wife died in a car accident 2 years ago and i lost my excuse to quit. she was a bad addict and i coud never quit with her by my side.. I met the love of my life last year. last year and she warned me right from the start that the only thing that would destroy the love we were building was Drugs... Then it happened... was head over heals in love with her and my love scared her away. i smothered her and she didnt know how to acccept my love. im not blaming her at all for my use and relapse because im a man and a strong one at that... i got so depressed i just didnt care and i wanted to be knumb so i got numb... i told myself just this one time. ill use today andTOMORROW ill stop. I PUT HER THROUGH THE WORST HELL ANY MAN COULD PUT A WOAN THROUGH INCLUDING CHEATING AND LIE AFTER LIE AFTER LIE.... And if u knew me before this relapse you woulld say NEVER ASK PAINLESS A QUESTION YOU DONT WANNA KNOW THE ANSWER TO BECAUSE I PRIDED MYSELF ON TELLING THE TRUTH... THE GODS HONEST TRUTH. I DIDNT LIE TO ANYONE AND I PRIDED MYSELF ON MY TRUTHFULNESS. I LIED TO MY LOVE BECAUSE I DIDNT WANT TO HURT HER AND I FIGURED I HAD IT UNDER CONTROL and coud easily quit again without her ever knowing but my lady has intuition on a psychic level and saw through every lie i ever spit out my mouth. she woud give me the chance to come totally clean and hold nothing against me and still lied. lying is not me... it just aint... the bottom line is im on here to learn. Im on here to absorb all i can and to possibly get some closure tothis terrible disease called addiction... I WILL FOREVER BE A ADDICT but i keep telling myself that i can get clean and I can stay clean forever. today was the first day i didnt put a needle in my arm. i took a drug called ultram or tramadol depending on the brand.. its a miirror opiate that fills the void and dosent allow for withdrawls. im taking it for just 2 days and then i start soboxone. with the soboxon i know in my heart i can stay off the needle but my girl swears im wrong and that ill relapse. she wants me to take methadone where i know in my heart that i stand more of a chance of using heroin again because for me methadone allows for the useage of heroin where soboxone not as much. CAN ANYONE SHED SOME LIGHT ON THAT FOR ME??? PLEASE.... I started to write my suicide letter last night and i dont wanna finish it... i WANNA GET CLEAN AND SHOW MY GIRL WHO AND WHAT I TRULLY AM WHICH IS A NIGHT AND DAY DIFFERENCE TO WHO I AM RIGHT NOW... Im going tomorrow morning to my first NA meeting and im gunna scream at the top of my lungs for help. HELP HELP HELP SAVE ME... IM WORTH SAVING.. I SWEAR IM WORTH SAVING...PLEASE... IF YOU BELIEVE IN GOD COULD YOU SAY A TINY PRAYER FOR ME AND MY GETTING CLEAN AND TO MY MAKING AMMENDS WITH MY BEST FRIEND TINA. I CANT PUT HER THROUGH THIS ONE SECOND LONGER.. I JUST CANT. I CANT HURT HER ANYMORE OR I WILL HURT MYSELF AND I DONT WANNA HURT MYSELF... I HAVE FAITH IN GOD ABOVE AND IN MY GUARDIAN ANGEL ANGEALIQUE WHO SAW FIT TO SEND TINA INTO MY LIFE... I REALLY NEED TO KNOW WHATS THE BETTER OF THE 2 DRUGS FOR MY STAYNG OFF HEROIN, THE METHADONE OR THE SOBOXONE ? I SAY SOBOXONE BECAUSE IT BLOCKS THE FEELING OF HEROIN BETTER THEN METHADONE. PLEASE PEOPLE... HELP ME BEFORE THIS **** KILLS ME...
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Old 03-10-2014, 10:48 PM
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painless
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P.S.

ANY HELPFUL SUGGESTIONS WILL FULLY BE READ AND RESPONDED BACK TOO. I NEED HELPFUL IDEAS...
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Old 03-10-2014, 10:58 PM
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Hi Painless

Absolutely you're with saving, and I'm really glad you found us.

People can share their experience but unfortunately we can't give you medical advice here.

You really need to see your Dr and discuss your options with them. They'll have your records and clinical history and will able to advise you in a way we can't here.

We also have a suboxone and methadone forum which I think will be good reading for you in helping you make a decision:

Suboxone/Methadone Maintenance or Detox - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

D
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Old 03-10-2014, 11:01 PM
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painless
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Thank you very much. Going to read it now...
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Old 03-11-2014, 02:00 AM
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You are so worth it sending you prayers xxx
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Old 03-11-2014, 06:34 AM
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I'm here for support if you need to post. My suggestion is with Dee you might want to seek medical attention. I want to see more posts from you in the future so please keep in touch. Don't ever ever give up!
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Old 03-11-2014, 12:01 PM
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painless
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Cool 1st NA MEETING

I went to my first NA meeting this morning at 7am. Its not the 1st time ive ever been to one but its the first time Ive been to one and took everything said very serious and to heart. I realize this morning that this is a life long disease and that relapse is a part of this disease. i just feel that after going through all the pain and hurt Ii have given to others as well as the suffering i have caused myself that it will be harder for me to relapse. i know that if I stick a needle in my arm again its all down hill and the next time if i allow that to happen theres a good chance i wont survive. hell... IM 48... IM DIABETIC ... IM A HEROIN ADDICT... NOT A GOOD CHANCE FOR SURVIVal. I took 200mgs of ultram today verses my normal 3 bags of Heroin as a wake up and I feel fine. The reason for the Ultram is to avoid withdrawls and prep myself for a dosage of suboxone that I will start in 2 days time. I chose Suboxone because i know ill need it long term and that I wont use heroin while on the suboxone because it blocks the HIGH feeling of the heroin. My girl wants me to take METHADONE but i know in my heart that if i have an urge to use heroin i can easily use H and then re dose in the am where my taking Suboxone i know that if I use H ill be sick all over again and WHO THE HELL WANTS TO GO THRUGH THAT THE REST OF THEIR LIFE??? I JUST NEED TO BE CLEAN. I WANT TO BE CLEAN . I WILL MAKE IT THIS TIME I JUST KNOW I WILL... I WILL PROVE ALL THE DOUBTERS WRONG.. IT WOULD BE DIFFERENT IF SOBRIETY WERE FORCED ON ME... I AM THE ONE SURRENDERING... MAY GOD ABOVE BLESS AND KEEP ME SAFE...
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Old 03-11-2014, 01:56 PM
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A few things pop out of your last post....relapse is not part of your disease, it's part of your addiction (someone just posted that, I'd like to credit where it's due...who was that). And "it would be so different if sobriety was forced on you" Ahhhhhh, no, no it wouldn't. And no one or thing can force sobriety on you anyway. I feel for you, you sound a mess but far from hopeless. You can do this, it's not fun and it's not easy but you can do it. Praying you find your way. Keep posting, I'd like to hear how you are doing.
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Old 05-12-2014, 04:28 PM
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WOW... i just read my first posts and im sitting here crying like a little bitch... i actually felt like i was reading someone elses story and not my own. i have come so far in the past 57 days that i never wanna look back.. i lost so much but in 57 days ive gained ten times what i lost... GOD... PLEASE NEVER LET ME SCREW UP LIKE THAT EVER AGAIN.. BEG U LORD...
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Old 05-12-2014, 04:40 PM
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I will not say a tiny prayer. I'll say a big prayer. You don't have to beg God. Just pray Honey. Just pray. Blessings.
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Old 05-12-2014, 04:44 PM
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Congrats on 57 days!
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Old 05-12-2014, 04:56 PM
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Be very proud of yourself.
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Old 05-12-2014, 05:05 PM
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I don't want to make you more sad than you are or suffer more but I thought telling this might help you get through your withdrawals. MY father was a heroin user for all of my life I believe it started when he was in the army. He hid it very well from my brothers and I until I hit my teens and he was no longer working. My mom started working to support the family and I would have to stay up and watch him (not be her request) because he would pass out with lit cigarettes in his mouth or halfway through eating. One time I had to call 911 because he started choking on a piece of meat and he was too big for me to do the Heimlich maneuver on. He was able to read down his throat far enough to grab the meat and pull it out but then we had to rush around the house hiding things so he wouldn't get in trouble. When I moved out he started stealing things from my mom like her car and stuff to try to sell. It came down to a time where he got arrested for stealing copper coils out of air conditioners I think and was caught on camera. They forced him to go into a rehab and he did great for over a year. I went up to visit him and asked me to walk him down the aisle once my husband asked me to marry him. He cried for with happiness because he didn't think I would want him to be there. Well he never showed up. He was supposed to fly down the day before my wedding and my mom came early to help me set up and to give me the money my father had so proudly saved up to help me pay for my wedding. I was so furious until I found out on my wedding day that he had died of a heroin overdose. Apparently the day my mom left he started using again. He never called his sponsor or anyone for help. So please seek help. I miss him so much and I wish he could have met his grandchild.

At least not suffering from an alcohol addiction I kind of know what he was going through and wish I could talk to him. To tell him it's ok and to not give up and seek help.

sorry about the typos...I was crying while typing and it was hard to see.

Last edited by Deebee82; 05-12-2014 at 05:07 PM. Reason: errors
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Old 05-12-2014, 05:42 PM
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Deebee82 I am so sorry for your loss of your Dad.
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Old 05-12-2014, 05:45 PM
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Painless66, Congratulations, You can do this, for me its about the big picture, the one where I deserve and get peace from addiction and a future full of realised dreams, achievable simply because I put my DOC down.
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Old 10-17-2014, 05:43 PM
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painless
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I think its very important for all of us to read our prior posts... 215 days clean today and from reading my first few posts it really hits home... Im blessed...
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Old 10-17-2014, 05:46 PM
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Glad to hear your update PAINLESS

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