GreenEggsAndHam

I'm not used to feeling this kind of emotional pain - the kind that also physically hurts.

I've ruined the best thing that ever happened to me due to my drinking and it's irreparable. I now have to suffer the consequences sober. I realize that happens with this disease but I guess I just need to get it out.

It really hurts.

But one thing I will not do tonight is drink. I know in my heart of hearts that will only make me feel worse, probably suicidal. I don't want to be in that black hole.

Weasel1966

Really sorry to hear that green eggs. The pain of loss can be a lot to handle but you will. You sound strong and focused on keeping sobriety first. That's important.

All my best to you. Keep sharing to work through this.

Ken

GreenEggsAndHam

Thank you Weasel. It's hard to deal with fallout and sobriety at the same time. To have people you love so resentful of your drunkenness and behavior - and all you can do is say sorry while they don't forgive you or trust you anymore. I know it's my fault but it still really hurts to know I screwed up something so good to the point of no return.

Longpasttime

Sorry about the tough time you are having, and i am really glad you are committed to not drinking tonight

doggonecarl

Sorry for your pain.

I think long-term sobriety can do a lot to turn that around. People deserve to see change, not promises to change. Give yourself the gift of sobriety and all that goes with it.

Hevyn

GreenEggs - I'm so sorry for the pain you're in right now. I've been through it too. Most of the people I hurt or confused did come to trust me again. It's almost impossible for the normies to understand about addiction.

I'm glad you wanted to talk about it. You're among people who care and you're never alone.

Anna

I'm really sorry you're going through this. I remember the helpless feeling you're talking about when people are so very angry at you (and rightly so) and there is nothing you can do. Have faith that you can get through this and come out the other side as a stronger and better person.

least

You can turn this around and come out stronger for it. Show them you mean business. Embrace sobriety as a way of life. You can do this.

Rar

I'm so sorry you're going through so much pain Greeneggs. I am sad for you.

StraightAhead

I'm also glad you spoke up GreenEggs. You can do it! Keep in mind that the one thing that will make things even worse would be to go back to drinking. With time, your loved ones will begin to trust you again and some of your relationships will be repairable. Right now it's so hard to gain their trust due to your past behaviors. So just keep your eye on the ball which is don't drink and work towards putting your life back on track. You can!

GreenEggsAndHam

Thank you, you all made me cry.

It is so hard when you try to make things right and they move on instead.

I'm still focusing on my recovery FIRST, but no one warned me about the pain. I'm so used to numbing it with alcohol. And the self-blame is so much worse when everyone's fingers are pointing at you on top of your own guilt.

I am just hoping there is light at the end of this tunnel like you all say.

Bruce292

I realized that being sober wasn't going to fix my life. Instead it returned the faculties I needed to fix my life ... or at least make it something I could live with. I congratulate you on your decision not to drink and recognizing the fact that drinking is not the path to becoming well. In there lies the strength.

Hang in there, thank you for posting.

deeker

GE and H, My family got so sick n tired of my "I am sorry's".

They wanted and needed to see change.

And it takes time. It took about a year for my son to come around. I relapsed one night that 1st year and he does not know about it.

But I took responsibility for it and I got busy working a program. He saw change in me. I did not have to say I was sorry anymore and I made a living amends. I now have 14 months.

I never thought he would speak to me 2 years ago, He witnessed so much chaos as a teen, now he texts me or calls every other day, telling me he loves me and how proud he is of me.

Healing does not take place over night. Our families were some what sick too living with us. They need to heal.

I had to put myself in their shoes. When I was drinking they never knew what was coming through the door.

A happy person, a sloppy drunk, a angry drunk. They walked on eggs shells for many years and there are years of resentments built up.

All we can do is do the next right thing. Not push ourselves on our loved ones.

I tried that and it does not work.

It's gets better. Take care of your self and they will come around.

P.S. I had to Lower my expectations, if they never talked to me again I would have gotten exactly what I deserved. But what people who love us want most is to see us get well!

waterscapes

I'm sorry for your Pain GreenEggs. I've been through a similar situation. All we can do is focus on our recovery and stay strong because as painful as situations are, they become so much worse when drinking. Big hugs!

Mizzuno

It is in these moments that we either walk into a different direction with different answers, or we continue making the same choices with dire consequences. I only say this because I was in the same place that you are in. I had to face myself, my life, and all the damage, and I had to make a decision. What was I going to do now? Your pain, as uncomfortable as it is, will not always be there. With time and with patience your pain will slowly dissolve. You can mend this broken fence, mend yourself, and move into a brighter future. The finger pointing and blame will become something different. People do say and act in ways that are hurtful when they are hurt. The pointing really serves no purpose. No one can make you feel any worse than you already do. If you are anything like me, whatever has taken place has hit you to the core. I could not hold my head up for months. I knew and I was determined to no longer hurt myself, but more importantly I was not going to hurt my loved ones any longer. I am sorry for your hurt. I can feel it in the post, and I wish I could give you a hug. I can remember this pain like it was yesterday, but today it does not hold the same weight. The only thing that I had to change was who I was in this world. I put down the Wine that I grew to love and despise at the same time, and walked into something different. I believe in you. Please know that you are not alone and that we are here for you. I know that you can do this. I commend you for facing this problem and not running away. Keep moving forward GEH. The one thing for certain is that you have all of us here to lean on.(((( HUGS)))))

SoberLeigh

I am sorry to know that you are in such pain, GreenEggs. Sometimes things that seem absolutely hopeless turn out not to be so with time. Prove the naysayers wrong by the way you live your life; in time, they will learn to trust you again. Hugs, GreenEggs.

MythOfSisyphus

There is a light at the end of the tunnel, Green Eggs. It might take a while to get there, but you will get there.

shirlygirly

I got dumped during my second week sober. I'll have a year in two weeks and I'm still kickin! In hindsight it was for the best. Hang in there, don't drink, and good things will come.

LadyinBC

I am so sorry. I wish I could give you a big hug!

GreenEggsAndHam

Thank you so much for the kind words to all of you. I did not drink last night. It helps that I'm on Antabuse but I never thought "I wish I had a drink." All I thought was "It's a good thing I'm not drinking."

It's so much easier to throw up my hands, get drunk, and not care, but that makes things worse and the fact is that I created my problems and it's time to pay the piper like a big girl.

I find it very hard to know which things to apologize for. Do I apologize for my actions? (I do). Most of my actions were driven by heavy drinking so do I apologize for being an alcoholic? (I do). I don't know how many times I've said, "I'm sorry, I was drunk."

I feel partially like I could not control my actions because alcohol was driving the bus. So I even apologize for not getting help sooner, or for getting help but going back to drinking anyway. I'm going to take the advice to not over-apologize and walk the walk rather than talk the talk.

Thank you all so much for being there for me when I felt that no one else was.