Hopeforme2014

I just realized i was trying to pick a fight with my husband and daughter. Why? So i could have an excuse to go out and drink! Omg i just need to go hide somewhere. Don't know what's wrong with me. I am thinking i may know i need to quit drinking and now i feel like i have to. When i need to want to. Make sense? Feel like I'm losing my mind.

CAPTAINZING2000

Many of us have done this. I just never knew women did it too

Anna

If you believe you 'have to' stop drinking, I hope you take care of yourself and that you decide you 'want to' stop drinking because your life is important.

Thepatman

Any excuse was good for me, either naturally created by life or I created it myself. Nothing is wrong with you. You have an addiction.

PurpleKnight

When alcohol and drinking starts to matter more than anything else in life and we start to do anything to preserve doing it as it has become the centre of our universe, it's fair to say that something needs to change as it has become a problem that can't continue!!

You'll find loads of support here!!

Nonsensical

Been there, done that.

Just don't try to explain it to non-addicts.

You can live sober and happy.

Hopeforme2014

But i do want to be sober. But then i don't and then i do again. I feel like i am a basket case. I wan to drink without any of the consequences. And i want to live a sober life before i really lose everyone i care about. All i know is right now i am a super b#%tch and cant even stand being around myself.

FindTheAnswer

I want to drink without the consequences, too! When you figure that out, will you please share it with me.

Sorry, that is my own bitchiness coming out. 30 days tomorrow and I don't like feeling like it is HAVE TO either.

least

I hope you decide to live sober before you lose anything dear to you.

GreenEggsAndHam

I have been doing the same thing for months and months...want to be able to drink and have fun but know it will never end well. Acceptance that I just cannot drink in the way I fantasize it in my head is really hard but I'm coming to that realization slowly but surely. I will never remain sober until that "sticks."

Hopeforme2014

I am just trying to be honest here. These are the things that go thru my head. However messed up they may be.

Mags1

Hi hopeforme, you've given me food for thought.

I'm going through a relationship issue at the moment but it's one sided. In my husbands world all is ok but in mine I'm looking for signs to walk out. There are problems and I know that if we split I would turn to the bottle, I'm still volatile some days.

I wonder if I'm bringing too much on myself, inadvertently wanting an excuse to drink. I know I won't drink and want to make it to a year before I do any life changing decisions as I believe our emotions are all over the place when we first stop.

Stick with us, hopeforme, give it time, there's lots of help here for you on SR x

dirk626

Yes... I feel that. I wish I could just sit and drink and drink and drink. I could do that in good conscious if it only affected me. I would drink myself to death with a smile on my face. Unfortunately, my drinking doesn't just effect me. I made choices to bring other people into my life for the ride. When I brought them into my life I did not do so with full disclosure. My wife and kids didn't bargain for a drunk. I became that. So, I want to be sober. That is part of the pain, but maybe if I can keep that in mind, it may help me stay sober this time.

You can do this!

LadyinBC

I could literally make myself have a bad day in order to have an excuse to drink. Heck I didn't even have to have a bad day to find an excuse to drink.

Wastinglife

Ah yes, I know what you mean. I would always welcome a negative incident that I could leverage for justification to get drunk. I remember going to a funeral to support a friend of mine whose father had died. I started drinking hard when I got home and told my gf at the time that I needed to drown my sorrows because I knew my friend's father very well. I had met him once or twice only. The addicted mind is ever so cunning....

Hopeforme2014

Happy to report i did not drink today!!!! Yay!!!

Coffeebreath

Good 4 u Hope!

1 Day At A Time

And seeing your disease in action and wanting to do something about it is 1/2 the battle

Stay close!

MythOfSisyphus

For starters, Hopeforme2014, I feel that you really have to accept your "dark thoughts." Give yourself permission to think what you think and feel what you feel. Denial is something that helps drunks to keep drinking even when they know better, and it doesn't really do any good. Now that doesn't mean you should act on those dark impulses, just that you have realize they're normal. If people could read my mind I'd probably be in prison now!

The AV (Addictive Voice) is that part of you that wants to drink. It doesn't recognize or understand the concept of consequences at all- it's like a 2 year old that just wants wants WANTS! But it doesn't call the shots. It doesn't control you, it just whispers in your ear. Without your deliberate actions it can do nothing.

The first weeks and months sober can be a really trying, scary time. Your body and mind are off kilter due to your altered chemistry. It would be helpful for your family to do a bit of research so they know what you're going through. People that haven't had to face addiction don't really have any idea what it's like. They literally can't comprehend what you're feeling.

Hang in there, Hopeforme2014! I'm being 100% honest when I say it gets better and it's worth it!

Hopeforme2014

Thank you everyone for all your support. I have gotten a lot out of what has been said. Gives me lots to think about. Today is a new day and i am going to try to make the most of it. Peace out.