Kissimee54

Even tho we're both recovering A's my past keeps coming up in conversations. My drinking past had more consequences due to my drinking but he keeps bringing it up. I feel absolutely horrible about everything I've done and I've told him that. I've asked him to try to not bring it up but he insists that he has to say what he wants to say. I don't bring up his past or its very rarely. It feels to me like he's trying to punish me for making his life (in the past) miserable. I am 5+ months sober. I've been doing the next right thing and I feel very good about that. I'm just frustrated that I can't get on with life and leave some of that garbage behind. I don't want to dwell on my past just learn from it. Feeling bad!

LadyinBC

Keep this in mind. People that weed others back yards do so because they aren't weeding their own.

I try to remember this when I find myself judging someone else. We have to be careful when we are making others feel bad to make ourselves feel better. This kind of sounds like what he is trying to do.

He can only make you feel bad if you let him. Don't give him this power. What he thinks about you is none of your business

KateL

Exactly what I was going to say. He is using you to hide his own inadequacies. Don't take any notice. If you react his will do it more. Just be happy with yourself and shut the rest out. xxxxx

PurpleKnight

What he should be doing is being supportive, isn't that what relationships are about?

Pipping

I am guilty of this I am afraid. My Husband of 7 years has been sober for 3 and when drinking and drugging he did some outrageous, thoughtless and terrible things. I am only 4 months sober and tonight I am feeling sorry for myself because I have an infection in my face and am in a lot of pain. My thoughts went back to when husband would get so wasted he would forget to pick me up from work. I felt like having a go at him about this even though it was 5 years ago and everything has changed. This has nothing to do with him and I am just tired, sore, bitter and angry. Not his fault, all my own doing. It sounds to me that your BF has lots of resentment. Early sobriety is hard hard hard. I don't have the magic solution but just wanted to reach out and say well done and you should be proud of yourself. Tell him to stop if it goes on and point out that his anger is about him. I sincerely wish you all the best.

LadyinBC

That is a very good point Pipping. Thanks for pointing that out!

Hawkeye13

I don't mind my husband bringing up some things in a limited way, but
one boundary I had in us continuing our relationship was that he could
not constantly throw the past in my face and that we both had to agree
to move beyond it and get on with the present moment.

In the beginning, we did have to talk about some painful things and the
feelings my drinking and actions caused. Some might feel better processing this
with therapy, but we just would talk it out in a calm moment, like early morning.

Now, things are mostly "processed" and the past rarely comes up.
However, I was very clear I would not let my drinking past be a weapon that I could be
bludgoned with whenever he was in a crappy mood or I wasn't doing what he wanted.
I had seen that kind of behavior in my birth family and wasn't buying in.

So I guess I'm saying it is a fine line. You do need to own the harm you may have
caused drinking, but perhaps you need to organize that feedback a little so it just
isn't popping out at all times so that you feel attacked.
Maybe once a week, ask him to sit down and share what feelings he has been having and talk about them.
As my husband has seen my actions match my words, trust and forgiveness have come back, which I am very grateful for and foster.

I know I did some bad things drinking, and I do think a spouse should express and release them or they fester and keep hurting,
but I also am realistic enough to know that such memories can also be used to hurt the ex-drinker for non-theraputic reasons.

Congrats on your sobriety!
It will be easier as the (sad)drinking times fade and the (happy)sober times build

LooseGrip

It's hard enough to recover and learn to accept and forgive yourself for the mistakes you make when in active addiction without someone throwing it in your face. It sounds like you two may need to take a few months break from each other to focus on your individual recovery before trying to make the relationship work. Take care of your self.

totfit

Relationships are tough in the best of circumstances. Any pain takes a long time to get over and our consequences and past deeds take a long time to get over for both us and those we have effected. I have for the "most part" been sober almost a quarter century, but even deeds from before still come back from time to time. Unfortunately, I have slipped up some during that time and drank once for about 5 months and developed more consequences. I just try and separate for myself disappointment and shame. I should understandably be disappointed with my past actions, but shame does no good in any way. I also have to sometimes just try and put myself in other's shoes that I have affected and see their perspective. It is tough, but you should be proud of what you have accomplished with our sobriety. If we use any disappointments from the past as anything more than a learning tool, then we are doing ourselves disservice. If others can't "get over it" we just have to be true and loving to ourselves.

opentorecieve

Boy I can relate to this post. It's hard when our past is used as a weapon against us. I don't have any advice just know your not alone. Doing the next right thing is always the solution tho. Are you part of a recovery program. I am in NA and looking to work the steps with a sponsor, and I understand that in the steps we make amends. In doing the next right thing we are making "living amends". This is how I understand it.

Anna

Early recovery is hard and relationships can be hard sometimes, but I wouldn't remain in a situation where I was being put-down on a continuing basis. It just wouldn't have worked for me. Yes, he has a right to say what he feels and express what he went through, but not on a regular basis. Have you considered couples therapy?

Kissimee54

Thanks for the feedback. It's nice to know I'm not alone.

krete77

Hey listen,

I was that guy that did that to his girlfriend about 7 years ago. When we first started dating, she basically told me her entire past and I had come from a different upbringing and was not prepared to deal with what she had told me, let alone meet some of these people from her past.

Long story short, I ended up mentally abusing her for a year in our a relationship, over and over..it was horrific. I had no control over myself, and I couldn't stop. Eventually, the pain of it all got to the point where I had to do something about it, because I was really hurting her emotionally.

It took time, but I worked through my emotions and found out it was insecurities within myself that led to that behavior. I went to countless, and I mean countless therapy sessions with tons of different doctors, and it might have helped a little, but in the end, it was all up to me.

I had to overcome some serious issues I had with myself, and realizing that people aren't perfect, and neither was I.

I don't regret anything however, because I learned a great deal about myself, and I actually turned myself around, and am a much more forgiving, loving, caring individual than I was before.

To end it off, our relationship had suffered so much though, it was no longer worth pursuing it..but we had a beautiful girl together. Since we split, (1.5 years ago), we get along great...and have even been mistaken for being married by people, even though we live entirely separate lives.

She is a good friend, and I care for her, and her family deeply, and I wish them all the best.

I don't know if this post helps or not, but I guess what I'm saying is that sometimes, people just don't know why they are doing what they are doing, and it could be one of life's lessons.

Good luck and I hope all works out for you.

Kissimee54

I never thought about the situation that way. It could be he totally doesn't realize what he's doing. He is OCD and and also in recovery. AND too I usually handle the situation without reacting and becoming defensive. It's hard to look at him as sick and also working on recovery (in his own way). Thank you for your post.

Mizzuno

I do understand how horrible you feel when the past is brought back to the present. I had to learn, and am still learning, that my past and my husbands past is just that the "past." When and if it is brought up into our heated discussions, I remember that I am working in the present and this is where I need to remain. We have all behaved in ways that we are not proud of. Hopefully we learn, move on, and be kind towards one another. No one can make me feel any worse than I already do. Sometimes it is good to talk about what has caused the pain, other times it may be a defense mechanism and our partners resort to past behaviors as weapons, or we resort to their past as a means to drive the point home a little harder. If your partner is not able to forgive and move forward then it may be good to evaluate the relationship. You can not live in past behaviors. This serves no purpose. Setting a boundary as to what is acceptable and what is not is a good way to move forward with this. My husband and I have an agreement to stick to the point of our discussion and if there are things that are brought up that have nothing to do with our heated exchange, we can talk about that at a later time. It seems to work well.