How to be a good husband to my addicted wife
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: Baton Rouge La
Posts: 8
How to be a good husband to my addicted wife
I met my wife when we were 16 married her at 26 had our daughter two years ago and that's when it started . With the pain meds for the C section the post partem depression destroyed her like a train wreak .she laid in bed for two months . She workers as a professional in the medical field. I started noticing marks on her arms in Dec she said that our cat scratched her . She finally broke down to me and told me She had been shooting up morphine and duluad and adavan she had a unlimited supply from work . She has never smoked or drink or anything like that so it blew my reality apart . I can't believe I didn't see it coming . She is now in treatment since February 13 . I feel responsible . My father was addicted to drugs . I thought I had built my life away from drugs.
I just want her back . She calls me every day from treatment and we have reconnected like when we were kids . I need some help/advice .
I just want her back . She calls me every day from treatment and we have reconnected like when we were kids . I need some help/advice .
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,316
Hi Husband - welcome to SR
I know this must be hard on you, your daughter and your wife.
I can't see it's your fault tho
Addiction may have a genetic component, but even if your father did have a problem, addiction is not contagious to others.
Sounds like your wife is doing everything she can to get well and to resume your life together.
Try and patient - she's where she is to get well
There is life after addiction, and there is long lasting recovery....just look around this site.
If your wife wants to be, she can be clean and sober for good
All you need to do is keep supporting her - but in the end it's her recovery, and she needs to do all the heavy lifting.
D
I know this must be hard on you, your daughter and your wife.
I can't see it's your fault tho
Addiction may have a genetic component, but even if your father did have a problem, addiction is not contagious to others.
Sounds like your wife is doing everything she can to get well and to resume your life together.
Try and patient - she's where she is to get well
There is life after addiction, and there is long lasting recovery....just look around this site.
If your wife wants to be, she can be clean and sober for good
All you need to do is keep supporting her - but in the end it's her recovery, and she needs to do all the heavy lifting.
D
Keeping it simple!
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Surrey, BC
Posts: 3,282
You are not responsible this is not your fault. We make choices and unfortunately we make the wrong ones sometimes.
I am sorry you are having to deal with this. Best thing to do is to make sure that you look out and after yourself. You matter too and you want to make sure you don't get lost in all this. Sometimes the family members get forgotten when we are trying to recover. And they forget that they need help to recover from this too. Addiction affects everyone in the family not just the addicted one.
I am sorry you are having to deal with this. Best thing to do is to make sure that you look out and after yourself. You matter too and you want to make sure you don't get lost in all this. Sometimes the family members get forgotten when we are trying to recover. And they forget that they need help to recover from this too. Addiction affects everyone in the family not just the addicted one.
Guest
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: Anywhere USA
Posts: 125
Welcome! It is astounding how destructive addiction is. I'm sorry about your wife. Addiction was not a goal in my life but it happened to me. I must accept that. Acceptance is the key and now you can move on. It sounds like your relationship is on healthy footing. What the addict needs is compassion and support. I believe it's a disease and the target organ is the brain. Its no different than having cancer!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Midwest
Posts: 8,332
Something you said resonated with me when you said you just want her back.....it will take some time. In my opinion, addiction causes us to lose our true selves for awhile and it takes some time to journey back..... but it's worth the wait.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: PA
Posts: 695
Husband333-
I''m not quite sure why you feel responsible for your wife's addiction. Are you working any program while your wife is working on her recovery? If not, please consider it.
Also, I know you miss her but consider backing off on the daily phone calls. I am somewhat surprised the treatment center is allowing that much contact. When my daughter was in treatment she was not allowed to make calls for the first 2 weeks, and after that it was just 1 time per week with her therapist present. The reason for this was that the patient needs to concentrate on him/herself and on their recovery. Daily calls from home distract from that goal. I didn't agree at first with that policy but I do now. Just my opinion.
I''m not quite sure why you feel responsible for your wife's addiction. Are you working any program while your wife is working on her recovery? If not, please consider it.
Also, I know you miss her but consider backing off on the daily phone calls. I am somewhat surprised the treatment center is allowing that much contact. When my daughter was in treatment she was not allowed to make calls for the first 2 weeks, and after that it was just 1 time per week with her therapist present. The reason for this was that the patient needs to concentrate on him/herself and on their recovery. Daily calls from home distract from that goal. I didn't agree at first with that policy but I do now. Just my opinion.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,316
Originally Posted by Husband333 
She took some of my pain meds from my wisdom teeth surg that were left over could that have started this?
You can torture yourself forever but, however this started, it didn't start with you.
I hope you can accept that someday.
Your wife is ill - you didn't cause the illness
Have you heard of NarAnon at all Husband333?
D
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 8,642
Husband333, your words jumped off the page to me. I am the alcoholic wife whose husband said the exact same thing you did..."I just want my wife back." Out of everything that was said to me, those words impacted me the most.
You ask how to be a good husband to your addicted wife...... I think you are already doing it. You obviously care, are listening to her, and are being supportive. I'm sure you will learn much when she comes back from treatment.....how, why, when it all started. But for now don't drive yourself crazy with trying to come up with those answers. Be patient ( as you already are). All that matters is that you get your healthy wife back......just like I gave my husband HIS healthy wife back.
Just keep doing what you are already doing. Your family can come back from this and be closer than ever. Trust me on that one.
Big hugs from a fellow Louisianan .
You ask how to be a good husband to your addicted wife...... I think you are already doing it. You obviously care, are listening to her, and are being supportive. I'm sure you will learn much when she comes back from treatment.....how, why, when it all started. But for now don't drive yourself crazy with trying to come up with those answers. Be patient ( as you already are). All that matters is that you get your healthy wife back......just like I gave my husband HIS healthy wife back.
Just keep doing what you are already doing. Your family can come back from this and be closer than ever. Trust me on that one.
Big hugs from a fellow Louisianan .
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: Mass
Posts: 25
Husband333 I was in a similar situation as you about a year ago. I red your post this morning and I thought about it all day. Here is some advice I can give that I found helpful:
-Join Al-anon. There are people there that understand what you are going through. When you meet some of the people and hear the stories some many pieces of the puzzle come together and things get a little bit more manageable and clearer.
-Get a therapist. The behavior of your A is really stressful. And I am guessing that the workload has shifted to you in the household and that can be stressful by itself, never mind the other stuff.
-Get educated about addition. Knowledge is power. Getting them Sober by Toby Rice Drews is and amazing read and gave me a lot of insight about addiction because I was clueless. It helped me deal with the crazy making behavior, which what was pissed me off the most.
-Manage your expectations. My husband went to several rehab programs and relapsed, first out patient, then in patient and then I had to have him sent to the hospital psych ward which was the thing that finally helped. I am not saying that will happen with your wife but just guard your heart a bit. It was financially draining to. Health insurance covers only so much. And along those lines the last bit...
-Protect your assets. My A drained his 401K, racked up $15,000 in credit card debt, and spent thousands in good old cash out of the bank account in a matter of 3 months. If I had known then what I had known now I would have used his time when he was out of the house at rehab to shred all the credit cards, reroute the mail to a PO box, drain the joint account and reroute the paycheck to account in my name only.
You can't control your A's behavior but you can control yours. And with kids and a family I can't emphasize enough about protecting the assets. Last thing you want to worry about is how your going to pay the rent/mortgage along with the other stuff. Keep posting! I'd like to hear how you are doing.
-Join Al-anon. There are people there that understand what you are going through. When you meet some of the people and hear the stories some many pieces of the puzzle come together and things get a little bit more manageable and clearer.
-Get a therapist. The behavior of your A is really stressful. And I am guessing that the workload has shifted to you in the household and that can be stressful by itself, never mind the other stuff.
-Get educated about addition. Knowledge is power. Getting them Sober by Toby Rice Drews is and amazing read and gave me a lot of insight about addiction because I was clueless. It helped me deal with the crazy making behavior, which what was pissed me off the most.
-Manage your expectations. My husband went to several rehab programs and relapsed, first out patient, then in patient and then I had to have him sent to the hospital psych ward which was the thing that finally helped. I am not saying that will happen with your wife but just guard your heart a bit. It was financially draining to. Health insurance covers only so much. And along those lines the last bit...
-Protect your assets. My A drained his 401K, racked up $15,000 in credit card debt, and spent thousands in good old cash out of the bank account in a matter of 3 months. If I had known then what I had known now I would have used his time when he was out of the house at rehab to shred all the credit cards, reroute the mail to a PO box, drain the joint account and reroute the paycheck to account in my name only.
You can't control your A's behavior but you can control yours. And with kids and a family I can't emphasize enough about protecting the assets. Last thing you want to worry about is how your going to pay the rent/mortgage along with the other stuff. Keep posting! I'd like to hear how you are doing.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,927
My husbands addiction started after an injury and multiple surgeries. He went from vicodin to other pain meds, Xanax, and cocaine. It was a giant shock to me also, neither of us had any type of drug issues in our past. He did get better though... it took a while, he went to rehab, worked with a therapist to learn skills like cognitive behavioral therapy and such. But there really is hope for your wife. My husband will have 2 years clean in April.
I used therapy to help me deal with my own issues, and through the therapist also learned the CRAFT approach (community reinforcement and family training) for supporting his recovery, and caring for myself.
I wish you both the best.
I used therapy to help me deal with my own issues, and through the therapist also learned the CRAFT approach (community reinforcement and family training) for supporting his recovery, and caring for myself.
I wish you both the best.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: Baton Rouge La
Posts: 8
AllforCnm
your kind words make me have hope . My Father was a A and he never recovered from the disease
Im so scared that my wife will never recover .
Your story gives me HOPE. Thank you dodo much for sharing Im going to see her this sat and sun any advise from any of you ?
your kind words make me have hope . My Father was a A and he never recovered from the disease
Im so scared that my wife will never recover .
Your story gives me HOPE. Thank you dodo much for sharing Im going to see her this sat and sun any advise from any of you ?
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,927
Originally Posted by Husband333
AllforCnm
your kind words make me have hope . My Father was a A and he never recovered from the disease
Im so scared that my wife will never recover .
Your story gives me HOPE. Thank you dodo much for sharing Im going to see her this sat and sun any advise from any of you ?
your kind words make me have hope . My Father was a A and he never recovered from the disease
Im so scared that my wife will never recover .
Your story gives me HOPE. Thank you dodo much for sharing Im going to see her this sat and sun any advise from any of you ?
Your welcome, just sharing from my experience. I hope your visit over the weekend goes well. Everyone's experience with rehab is different I think, so I can only share mine. My husband had a lot of anxiety when he was first in rehab. He actually wanted to leave somewhere around week 2, but the doctors at the rehab are used to that, and they worked with him, convinced him to stay. I also encouraged him as best I could.. I took our son to visit often but he was only an infant at the time; everyone has to judge for themselves whats best for their own kids of course. In the beginning of rehab, my husband complained about various things, was pretty focused on self. some of it got a little silly to me but I tried to be patient, realize this was HARD for him, he was in a foreign environment, a forced schedule of sorts, strange people, and not used to being in therapy so it was all new and scary. Don't be afraid to ask the doctors and staff questions if you have them.. you might also want to see if they have some type of family therapy, family weekend, etc. Some hold special classes for family to educate on addiction, and offer resources to help you cope and navigate this bumpy road. Prayers going out to your whole family tonight.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: Baton Rouge La
Posts: 8
I've grown weary missing my Wife/family . She is doing great . Me on the other hand just taking it day to day . Does anyone know if thare is a support groupe fro spouses of addicted nurses? Iv also had to get out two dogs put down in the last week Nat asked me how they were today and I LIED . It's eating me up . I just know she's going through a lot and that would devastate her . But I feel so so horrable about lieng .
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