Getting Over the Fear of Social Life Changes
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2014
Posts: 31
Getting Over the Fear of Social Life Changes
I've been sober for the past 16 days. For the past 6 years, I typically drank once per week. My habit hasn't escalated over time, but I rarely have control over my drinking and struggle to stop after a reasonable number of drinks. I usually end up having 12-15 drinks with friends, act stupid and take unnecessary risks, and then stop drinking until the following weekend.
I've had no cravings for alcohol. I have a refrigerator full of alcohol currently and I have no desire to drink any. I've always been this way and I usually only buy alcohol for the house just in case friends come over.
The most difficult challenge for me is the loss of my entire social life. My social life revolved around drinking. Alcohol helped me come out of my shell when I was younger and helped me meet people who have had a profound impact on my life. Due to these life experiences, I am much more socially adept sober. Obviously, it also had a negative impact by putting me in the situation I am in today.
Despite not missing alcohol, I obsess over what the loss of alcohol will mean long-term. Just in the past 2 weeks, I feel like I'm a complete outcast. A girl who I was interested in suddenly lost interest when I told her I don't drink. I met a group of colleagues for dinner and felt like I was excluded as soon as I turned down a drink. I hear friends plan trips and I know I can no longer go since every evening will be bar hopping or having wine with dinner.
At the same time, I know that I'm selectively disregarding the typical experiences I encounter while drinking. I would get extremely drunk on a date with a girl and either annoy her or get her drunk too and end up driving drunk and having unprotected sex. I would get drunk with colleagues and risk doing something foolish that would stick with me. I would go on a trip and just use it as an excuse for a 3 day binge with drinking buddies.
I'm really not sure if this is the addiction taking things out of proportion or if these are valid challenges that will drastically affect my life. There are many improvements with sobriety. No fear of DWI's or other consequences, no hangovers, better health, less money wasted, more time for productive activities, and the list goes on. It feels great knowing how budget-conscious, healthy, and productive I am, but it seems like there's no enjoyment. I know the anhedonia is common, but it makes it so difficult to stay on track and so easy to just assume that you're being difficult on yourself and need to enjoy life and take a few risks.
This was quite the ramble, but I know I will slowly talk myself back into drinking if I don't discuss the thoughts going through my head. Just writing them down makes me realize how nonsensical some of them are.
I've had no cravings for alcohol. I have a refrigerator full of alcohol currently and I have no desire to drink any. I've always been this way and I usually only buy alcohol for the house just in case friends come over.
The most difficult challenge for me is the loss of my entire social life. My social life revolved around drinking. Alcohol helped me come out of my shell when I was younger and helped me meet people who have had a profound impact on my life. Due to these life experiences, I am much more socially adept sober. Obviously, it also had a negative impact by putting me in the situation I am in today.
Despite not missing alcohol, I obsess over what the loss of alcohol will mean long-term. Just in the past 2 weeks, I feel like I'm a complete outcast. A girl who I was interested in suddenly lost interest when I told her I don't drink. I met a group of colleagues for dinner and felt like I was excluded as soon as I turned down a drink. I hear friends plan trips and I know I can no longer go since every evening will be bar hopping or having wine with dinner.
At the same time, I know that I'm selectively disregarding the typical experiences I encounter while drinking. I would get extremely drunk on a date with a girl and either annoy her or get her drunk too and end up driving drunk and having unprotected sex. I would get drunk with colleagues and risk doing something foolish that would stick with me. I would go on a trip and just use it as an excuse for a 3 day binge with drinking buddies.
I'm really not sure if this is the addiction taking things out of proportion or if these are valid challenges that will drastically affect my life. There are many improvements with sobriety. No fear of DWI's or other consequences, no hangovers, better health, less money wasted, more time for productive activities, and the list goes on. It feels great knowing how budget-conscious, healthy, and productive I am, but it seems like there's no enjoyment. I know the anhedonia is common, but it makes it so difficult to stay on track and so easy to just assume that you're being difficult on yourself and need to enjoy life and take a few risks.
This was quite the ramble, but I know I will slowly talk myself back into drinking if I don't discuss the thoughts going through my head. Just writing them down makes me realize how nonsensical some of them are.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,373
I changed my life, including my social life.
But I built a new one. Just as my old one was tailored to drinking, my life now is tailored to recovery.
I hang with people who are either entirely sober, or normal one or two glass drinkers.
I do a wide variety of things now for fun, not just heading to the local bar.
It takes time to build a new life, but have faith - you can do it.
None of us would stay sober if we felt we lost out on the deal, Brent
D
But I built a new one. Just as my old one was tailored to drinking, my life now is tailored to recovery.
I hang with people who are either entirely sober, or normal one or two glass drinkers.
I do a wide variety of things now for fun, not just heading to the local bar.
It takes time to build a new life, but have faith - you can do it.
None of us would stay sober if we felt we lost out on the deal, Brent
D
Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 861
Originally Posted by BrentSC 
This was quite the ramble, but I know I will slowly talk myself back into drinking if I don't discuss the thoughts going through my head. Just writing them down makes me realize how nonsensical some of them are.
I found friends who don't drink or who rarely drink. It takes time but it happens. At this point, I would not want to hang out with people who drink a lot. It just does not interest me.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: London, UK
Posts: 32
If people don't want to be your friend because you no longer drink, then they're not real friends and there's no loss to you if you move on from socialising with them! Good friends should listen to you when you say you've quit drinking and be supportive about the personal choice you've been brave enough to make. You not drinking doesn't affect anyone else - if other people make an issue out of it then it's their problem, not yours.
Although it might seem daunting in the early days to consider socialising without the crutch of alcohol, you'll probably be able to deal with it a lot better than you think. I've been to several parties/events where everyone else has been drinking but I haven't, and I've actually enjoyed these occasions so much more than if I'd been getting plastered and probably not remembering most of the night due to drinking too much. It's so refreshing to be 100% "present" at events and you find that you can concentrate and focus on conversations and people so much better. You'll also find yourself looking at the drunk people and thinking what idiots they are, being loud and obnoxious, talking rubbish, repeating themselves, embarrassing themselves, and generally acting like fools. You'll think "that would have been me if I'd been drinking" and be SO grateful that you're sober, clear-headed and free from the booze monster!
You may find it easier in the early days to avoid social events that are only going to focus on getting drunk and try to find other fun activities to do in your spare time. When you're more comfortable with your "non-drinking" status you should find it easier to socialise with friends who are drinking and just let them get on with it. Truthfully, if you're at a party do you really notice what everyone else is drinking, how many drinks they've had, if they're drunk or not? Probably not! People really aren't that interested in anyone but themselves so they probably won't even notice if you're drinking alcohol or not!
In the long-run you absolutely WON'T become an outcast, in fact the opposite - you'll be the good, kind, reliable, trustworthy friend who people will want to have around them, not the unreliable, loud drunk friend they're having to carry home at the end of the night! You've made the right decision to quit drinking so have the power of your convictions and stick with it - you're life will improve in every way and every day will be better than the last!
Although it might seem daunting in the early days to consider socialising without the crutch of alcohol, you'll probably be able to deal with it a lot better than you think. I've been to several parties/events where everyone else has been drinking but I haven't, and I've actually enjoyed these occasions so much more than if I'd been getting plastered and probably not remembering most of the night due to drinking too much. It's so refreshing to be 100% "present" at events and you find that you can concentrate and focus on conversations and people so much better. You'll also find yourself looking at the drunk people and thinking what idiots they are, being loud and obnoxious, talking rubbish, repeating themselves, embarrassing themselves, and generally acting like fools. You'll think "that would have been me if I'd been drinking" and be SO grateful that you're sober, clear-headed and free from the booze monster!
You may find it easier in the early days to avoid social events that are only going to focus on getting drunk and try to find other fun activities to do in your spare time. When you're more comfortable with your "non-drinking" status you should find it easier to socialise with friends who are drinking and just let them get on with it. Truthfully, if you're at a party do you really notice what everyone else is drinking, how many drinks they've had, if they're drunk or not? Probably not! People really aren't that interested in anyone but themselves so they probably won't even notice if you're drinking alcohol or not!
In the long-run you absolutely WON'T become an outcast, in fact the opposite - you'll be the good, kind, reliable, trustworthy friend who people will want to have around them, not the unreliable, loud drunk friend they're having to carry home at the end of the night! You've made the right decision to quit drinking so have the power of your convictions and stick with it - you're life will improve in every way and every day will be better than the last!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Ireland
Posts: 25,826
Yes your social life will be different, but I don't accept that being Sober equates to having no social life. We just need to carve out a new one for ourselves.
In fact I find things a lot less stressful, planning cabs to and from going out at the weekends, budgeting how much money I'll be spending, what time are we meeting at? are we having pre drinks? are we having pre pre drinks at someone's house? keeping up with the pace of rounds, am I drinking fast enough? worrying about how to get home, is there an afterparty? what happened last night? the regret of things that filter through in brief memories of events, and after all that a hangover that ruins the next day or two.
Life has a lot less strings attached to it Sober, and in fact remembering everything from the night before, conversations, a sports game you watched, people you met, starts to create an even healthier social life than before.
Definitely try to focus on the positives of being Sober rather than the negatives to help alleviate those fears!!
In fact I find things a lot less stressful, planning cabs to and from going out at the weekends, budgeting how much money I'll be spending, what time are we meeting at? are we having pre drinks? are we having pre pre drinks at someone's house? keeping up with the pace of rounds, am I drinking fast enough? worrying about how to get home, is there an afterparty? what happened last night? the regret of things that filter through in brief memories of events, and after all that a hangover that ruins the next day or two.
Life has a lot less strings attached to it Sober, and in fact remembering everything from the night before, conversations, a sports game you watched, people you met, starts to create an even healthier social life than before.
Definitely try to focus on the positives of being Sober rather than the negatives to help alleviate those fears!!
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,469
Yes, you will have to make changes, but that can be a very positive thing.
You can find social activities that don't revolve around drinking. For example, there are groups in my area that meet to hike/take day-trips/canoe and lots of other things. You can volunteer in your area and give back, and at the same time meet new people.
The positives of a sober life far outweigh the negatives.
You can find social activities that don't revolve around drinking. For example, there are groups in my area that meet to hike/take day-trips/canoe and lots of other things. You can volunteer in your area and give back, and at the same time meet new people.
The positives of a sober life far outweigh the negatives.
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