connop1

Hi.

Hope you are all well. This is my first time posting here.

I am 31 years old and feel like I am stuck in a loop of getting drunk, lying about my drinking (to myself and my incredible wife), going into denial about my drinking, then getting drunk again. I don't drink every day, in fact sometimes I will go a couple of weeks without a drink but then have a massive blow-out falling into all the same traps as before and drinking for days on end and lying about it.

It all came to a head towards the end of last year and I set about changing my behaviour by drawing up a set of rules to prevent me falling into the same traps again. Suffice to say it hasn't worked, I somehow seem to get complacent and forget how bad things get and so I end up making the same mistake over and over and over and over. It's like an insanity. I'm not sure what to do anymore, I can't keep making the same mistake for the rest of my life surely?

I suspect my mum has a drink problem, and although I have never met him I believe my father is an alcoholic so my genes are doing me no favours, but I can't blame my genes. I think my problem is I forget how bad it all gets. I feel dreadful now off the back of a binge over the weekend, but tomorrow I'll feel a bit better, the day after a lot better and the day after I'll be in such a denial that I will probably think that I'm just being over the top right now and so I am primed to make the same mistake again. I can't seem to stop being this stupid though.

I feel so stupid for falling into the same trap so often. I guess a big reason for posting today is to place for posterity a collection of my thoughts so in a few days when I wonder what on earth the fuss was all about, I can look at this and hopefully be reminded. It's also to ask, am I being stupid in thinking I can get this under control? I stopped smoking last year, from 30-40 a day to nothing and it was relatively easy, I just set my mind to it and did it, I am struggling to be able to apply such a discipline to my drinking though, it feels like such a complicated route.

A big problem I think is that I "like" drinking alone, I can sit and read a book or watch a film and demolish a few bottles of wine and not notice how drunk I am. Once I've had that much I am then susceptible the next day to further drinking and pile drink upon drink the next day and go into a denial about it. Then the worst thing happens, I lie to my wife, the woman who has given me so much and I drunkenly lie about the amount I have had, and whether or not I've been drinking. It's getting to the point that I think maybe she can't deal with it any more, and I can't blame her. It sends me into a spiral too, I feel so guilty about lying that I drink to reduce the guilt, then lie about drinking, then drink to reduce the guilt! All these cycles... I feel so weak in the face of them.

Spinach

Forget genes history, or even the lying for now, pick a day and say your not going to drink for three months , a year or forever, then keep in touch here, if you need to speak to your Dr, then that can be really helpful, then if things don't work out, start again.
When the pressures on do something.
Most importantly do it for yourself, but maybe telling your wife your doing it might help getting a debate going with her that isn't confrontational but supportive.
At some time down the line I can assure you that you will really never want to go back.
This place really is a good place to start many only need here, others need other help techniques, it doesn't matter just keep on.
Remember you didn't get here by accident and after a week or so you will know all about the AV, good day, bad day, treat, or got it under control just the one. Be warned dont.
Good luck.
John.

Dee74

Hi connop1

I can certainly see a lot of my story in yours.

I preferred to drink alone too - it was like a bit of my life that was mine only. I too made rules for myself, which I broke, and I would continue drinking the next day mainly because I felt so bad, physically and emotionally.

I had no wife but I lied to a lot of people.

I would forget how bad it was too, and time and again would return to drinking convincing myself that I was ok, hoping things wouldn't be as bad this time, but they always were.

You can definitely turn things around tho - SR can really help with that. It's much harder to forget when you post here everyday, and read other peoples stories.

Welcome aboard

KateL

Welcome Connop1 xxxx

Notmyrealname

If you keep on that path you may find yourself on the receiving end of divorce papers. People just get tired of that stuff, man. Fair warning.

What I did was, I wrote a note to myself when the agonies of hangover and withdrawal were fresh in my mind, sort of a "in case of emergency BREAK GLASS" measure, and vowed to read that note first before ever drinking again. Then if I do it, at least I'm going in eyes-wide-open. Because I had that same problem that you do, see, and this helped out.

At about 3/4 of a year now, made it through winter (mostly, anyways), things are going pretty okay.

FreeOwl

been there!! pretty much all of that, and more!

I can tell you that sobriety is WAY better.

Keep coming here, keep posting, get ACTIVE in your sobriety. Try AA if you haven't already. It is a powerful tool.

Welcome..

FeelingGreat

Hi connop, my educated guess is that you are an alcoholic, and the only chance you have of lasting success is to abstain completely. If you can't accept this about yourself, you're probably going to stay on the roundabout indefinitely.
I tried many times to moderate and was successful now and then, but my intake crept up and passed the previous level. Now I've accepted that I'm an alcoholic and must never drink I can relax. My self-esteem and confidence is much better, and I am not damaging my body and brain.
I hope you find a way to accept that you will never be able to moderate. Come to SR for support; it's kept me on track for years.

Nonsensical

Friend, I picked the name Nonsensical because at the time I joined this forum I couldn't make any sense out of my drinking behavior. Lying, sneaking, forgetting how bad it gets, believing next time would be different, etc.

It finally made sense to me when I understood that I was addicted to alcohol, and what that means. That knowledge opened the doorway to a host of tools to defeat my addiction and free myself from the alcohol-induced slavery I was living in.

I heartily recommend the documentary Pleasure Unwoven. It is an hour well spent if you want to know why your own brain is betraying you with respect to alcohol.

Best of Luck on Your Journey!

totfit

Really this makes perfect sense to me as I am of the same mold. The only real non-sense is that we try and make these rules to stick to which are impossible for us or definitely not worth the excruciating effort and trips and falls at best. The only rule to make for ourselves that really makes sense is not to take the first drink. If we don't do that we have not to worry of the rest.

IOAA2

In AA it's said that insanity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting different a result. Boy that was my thinking and the results never got better because I'm an alcoholic which means to me that I cannot drink in safety. It's that simple, not always easy. I was self will run riot and should have made a simple surrender to alcohol but I had too many BUTs to overcome. We all have a time to get off the slippery slope and too many never get off for whatever reason. For me getting honest with myself about my drinking was my first step towards a place where I feel comfortable in my own skin.

BE WELL

Climber122

I used to know a guy who always said (about his drinking) "I can't fix this head with this head." In other words, once you set your mind to drink it is awfully hard to talk yourself out of it, because you now intend to do it! It takes a concerned third party to help out. It sounds like you drink impulsively - to feel good rather than to escape feeling bad (compulsively.) It makes you wonder what's wrong with you, right? Why can't an intelligent, educated and capable person figure this stuff out? It's okay - we've been there and we know - it's addiction my friend and hard to figure out on your own. Keep posting here, and look into some sort of support, whether it's group therapy like AA, or if you can afford it a private therapist if you'd rather not go the group route. Having a human being in your corner who you can call when the intention to drink is setting in is invaluable. Addiction will keep taking from you, but you can decide to end that and try a different approach when the same strategies have been not working so well. Good luck!

Ruby2

The only rule I make for myself is not to have that first drink. If I don't have the first drink I don't slide inevitably on to the second, third, fourth, etc. I drank alone and know just what you are talking about with reading or watching television. You don't pay attention unless the bottle is running empty.

Any other rules are just there to justify continuing the drink. I will only have one on the second Tuesday of the month, or whenever there is a lunar eclipse, or I can just drink every other day on months ending in the letter R. I made rules too but they never worked. If I just say no, I am not going to drink today period, I save myself a lot of trouble today, and tomorrow. You have a choice today to not drink today. Welcome.

connop1

Thanks all for your welcoming posts. They are helping me get a clearer picture of what I need to do. I won't lie though, I'm scared of stopping altogether, terrified in fact. It does seem increasingly clear that the only rule that is going to work is 'do not have a drink'. It just seems like such a big thing, such a big step....I'm scared that I can't manage it, that I'm going to fail, that my friends will see me differently.

I don't even know if it's so much the drinking itself, its more that I lie about it, something happens when I have a drink that makes me feel guilty about it and I wonder is that a sure sign that I have a problem? I lie to my wife about my drinking and it is tearing me apart inside, really ripping me to pieces which starts the loop again.

IOAA2

After being sober for awhile I found that a big fear I had was loss of "my friend alcohol." Yes for awhile it was a friend then it got to be a vicious partner I had a lot of trouble with. I also needed to discover the reasons I drank and that it's the common reason that we want to escape from, FEARS AND FEELINGS. Stopping is the simple part of the equation, fixing me up was where the work started and continues after many years.

BE WELL

Toffee1

Why are you scared and terrified of stopping altogether? What do you think will happen? There is every chance that you will wake up without a hangover, will be more positive, will get more things done, will become a better person,will be proud of yourself,will be fitter and healthier, will save money,etc etc. don't be afraid of sobriety BE AFRAID OF ALCOHOL!!
Keep posting and I wish you all the best.

FlygirlJ

The addictive personality also has trouble with authority, and "rules" are a type of authority. It seems to me that if we were to attempt to set rules for ourselves, other than the obvious supreme rule of them all, "don't drink" (which really isn't really one we set for ourselves anyway, but more like a universal truth/understanding of something we must do to avoid the next cycle) that we would be tempted to want to (and often do) battle them as if to tell the rule/authority "you can't tell me what to do! you cant control me". I think that is where we fail in that regard.

Ruby2

I was afraid of not drinking. The decision to quit seems so enormous. It was awful. It was a huge part of my life. I felt a lot of anger that other people could drink normally and I couldn't. It didn't seem fair. But, it is what it is. I have the hand I was dealt. I've probably had more to drink in a year than most people drink in an entire lifetime so I guess I've had my allotment. At first I just stopped one day at a time. One day can be scary too. One hour at a time helps some people. Tiny bites. It gets easier over time.

Coffeebreath

Good to see you reaching out Connop1

There are alcoholics who drink every day and alcoholics who drink in spurts who are binge drinkers, sounds like you might be a binge drinker but it really doesn't matter because either alcoholic cannot drink safely.

I was afraid to stop also, I thought I'd die without alcohol but the truth was that if I kept going the way I was going I was going to die an alcoholic death.

The guilt, the lieing was all a part of my alcoholic disease. It's our thinking that gets us first, the thought that we can have that one drink, the obsession starts and once we put that first drink into our bodies the craving for more starts.

You have to do it for yourself Connop1 and don't worry about how your friends may react. If they are really your friends they'll support you and maybe just maybe they'll like the new you or you may encourage them to change themselves but for now concentrate on you, you are worth it.

F.E.A.R.
Face Everything And Recover

FlygirlJ

Loving the FEAR acronym, @coffeebreath!

Dee74

The way I see it you have two choices - continue drinking and NOT lie about it, or stop drinking and not have to lie about it.

You don't need to be a nuclear physicist to work out which way is better

and, for what it's worth, from what you've posted I think you really do have a drinking problem - the lying problem is secondary to the first, yeah?

D