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Realizing the things I can't do

Old 03-02-2014, 09:30 AM
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Realizing the things I can't do

We went to our friends' house for dinner last night. Our job was to bring ice cream and a bottle of wine, which we did. The other couple was drinking wine, DH brought one big beer for himself because he didn't want to get on the wine train which usually ends up with drinking too much. I abstained.

I'm not really ready to "out" myself to friends and family - other than DH and one other friend who knows - about my sobriety status. Instead, I've just so far made up excuses about why I'm not drinking - and, really, we haven't had that many outings since my date so I haven't had to go into it too much.

At dinner last night we were talking about wine and wine pairings and enjoying fine wine and having outings at wineries or touring Napa Valley or whatever. And I realized that I can't do that anymore; it is just no longer an option for me. And I kind of felt sad. And I went through a moment of "well maybe I could do it again" before I told myself that no, I can't.

One reason I stopped drinking was because I thought I was drinking too much and couldn't control myself enough to stop at one or even two - if the bottle's open, I'm going to drink it. It made me feel not well, it made me forget things I did or said, it made me mad at myself, disappointed, angry, embarrassed. And I type these words and at the same time think "I didn't have that much of a problem." Nobody had to clean up my messes, I didn't get myself in trouble, I held it together, I never missed work, was in any danger of not performing when I needed to, etc.

But the main reason I stopped was looking at my dad and realizing that if alcoholism is indeed a progressive disease - and I don't doubt that it is - then I don't want to end up like him. I don't want it to have slyly taken over my life. I don't want it to ruin my health. I don't want it to cause others to be angry/upset/disappointed/sad/desperate because I can't control myself.

So more than doing this for me now, I'm doing this for future me. I know what good wine and beer taste like. I don't need to taste them again. I have to be strong and not submit to the romanticized version of life that society, media, marketing, tries to throw at us. But still, part of me is sad that I have to let it go.
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Old 03-02-2014, 09:47 AM
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Next time you're feeling sad remember all the reasons you quit drinking. I have to do that, with over three years sober. In fact, I did it last night while lying in bed.
You have a good grasp on your condition. You've seen your father, you know the ramifications of drinking and you know you can never have just one or two. I was the same way. I drank to get drunk. I saw friends die. I went through withdrawal. That still didn't stop me.
It took williness and to do whatever was needed to make sure I never took that first drink again.
You sound very self-relized and have a great grasp of your relationship with alcohol.
Just remember you never have to drink again. You can be free.
Oh, and good job at the party, that must have been tempting.

Best to you.
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Old 03-02-2014, 09:50 AM
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Ah yeah, reminds me of this saying.

We can have the greatest intentions in the world. But if we dont put action towards it, nothing will get done.

So step 3, a decision without action is just a thought. We alcoholics love to think think think and drink drink drink. No action, except to drink.
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Old 03-02-2014, 10:01 AM
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Your post struck a chord with me. My dad was an alcoholic also and I knew I had the gene, so to speak, from early on. But aside from drinking way too much in my 20's, I controlled it pretty well up to about age 42, when the stress and anxiety began to overpower me. Took me 15 more years to quit fully although I did have some fairly long periods of sobriety in there, and cut way back. I just didn't want to let it go. In retrospect it would have been so much better to just do it when I knew I had to, instead of dragging it out for so long.
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Old 03-02-2014, 10:05 AM
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As I sit here talking with DH about it, I get choked up and teary-eyed. Why is that? Why should I be sad that a silly little liquid is out of my life? I guess because of what it represents . . . a bonding of sorts between people, because I did use alcohol to help me feel comfortable in social situations. Of course it made me funnier, more stimulating, more interesting, more friendly, more outgoing. Now I'm just boring old me.

If I had been drinking last night, it would have been a later night and the party would have gone on and on. But I was ready to leave at 8:30 and just come home. It isn't like I even wanted to go to bed, I just wanted to be home.
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Old 03-02-2014, 10:05 AM
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I had those thoughts, too, at first, about things I could no longer do. But I saw that I needed to replace them in order to succeed, to preserve my sanity.

Instead, I focused on the things I can do now that I couldn't do while drinking. And that is a much bigger and better list. For example, I can drive anywhere, any time. I can have a good night's sleep. I can have a healthy body and a healthy mind. I can start a project and finish it. I can appreciate small beautiful things again. I can remember conversations and books I am reading. I can pursue hobbies and pastimes which require mastery. I can work towards long term goals and achieve them. I can be respected by my friends and my family. I can be at peace with myself. I can be happy.

It will help you to mindfully make your own list of things you are now free to do, things you could never do while drinking. I recommend it.
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Old 03-02-2014, 10:07 AM
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Thanks, everyone.

freshstart57, I'm free to read at night before I go to bed. In the past I'd just pass out and couldn't read, but last night I stayed up late finishing a book I had started earlier in the day.
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Old 03-02-2014, 10:19 AM
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Hi AuntieSoso, I agree with freshstart, loads more time to live our lives, sober.

I did wonder what I was going to do with my time but I'm listing projects I want to do and I have about 6 more hours in the day, wow x
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Old 03-02-2014, 10:34 AM
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I also try to focus on the things I can do, and how much better I feel. I've been slow to "out" myself, as well, mostly for professional reasons. People are starting to figure it out, though. I keep saying, "Not tonight." For the most part people don't ask.

I used to go on wine tours, and as much as I loved wine, I could see doing a tour without drinking. Seems weird, but the wine tours I did were as much about the beauty of the scenery and time with friends. If the opportunity comes up I could very well offer to be designated driver. I'm not sure I'm ready for that yet, but someday.

It is sad, and that's okay. I so enjoyed good craft brews, too. But I try to remember that as much as I loved the taste, the buzz, and the atmosphere, I love waking up without a hangover better. I love having energy (usually). And I am mentally much sharper than I had been. I've read more in the last two months than in the last two years. I'm in my 50's and I am learning and growing like a 20-something. Humbling, embarrassing, but exciting.
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Old 03-02-2014, 10:41 AM
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I can remember conversations and books I am reading. I can pursue hobbies and pastimes which require mastery. I can work towards long term goals and achieve them. I can be respected by my friends and my family. I can be at peace with myself. I can be happy.

It will help you to mindfully make your own list of things you are now free to do, things you could never do while drinking. I recommend it.[/QUOTE]



This is really really a complete statement, for me.

Thank YOU!
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Old 03-02-2014, 11:50 AM
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Originally Posted by AuntieSoso View Post
Of course it made me funnier, more stimulating, more interesting, more friendly, more outgoing. Now I'm just boring old me.
When you get some sober time collected, you'll understand what a myth that statement is. You are not funnier, more interesting, or friendly when you are drunk. Drinking only enhances its delusional qualities in the mind of the drinker.
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Old 03-02-2014, 12:10 PM
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Originally Posted by doggonecarl View Post
When you get some sober time collected, you'll understand what a myth that statement is. You are not funnier, more interesting, or friendly when you are drunk. Drinking only enhances its delusional qualities in the mind of the drinker.
Very true

I used to think that too but now realize I was just annoying, embarrasing, slightly crazy, over flirtatious, shameful and highly inappropriate. What was slightly quirky and funny in a cute tipsy 20 odd year old is frankly an unsightly embarrasing,shameful pitiful mess by the time you get into your thirties and beyond
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Old 03-02-2014, 12:23 PM
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Originally Posted by doggonecarl View Post
When you get some sober time collected, you'll understand what a myth that statement is. You are not funnier, more interesting, or friendly when you are drunk. Drinking only enhances its delusional qualities in the mind of the drinker.
Oh yes, I get it - I was pointing out the things that I believed to be true about myself based on how I felt when I was drunk, not necessarily what I know to be true now. I would say, though, that that voice started talking to me in college. Alcohol made me brave to do things I normally wouldn't do (dance on tables - how sophisticated!) and be more outgoing than I normally would be. It also caused me embarrassment and put me in potentially dangerous situations.

On an unrelated note, I just did a tarot reading for myself and looking at it from the perspective of recovery, it was really amazing. One card that came up in an interesting position was the Devil, which says a lot about addiction and the things that bind us that we have the power to walk away from.

Thanks for listening - I knew y'all would understand.
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Old 03-02-2014, 12:45 PM
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Great post! I think it's pretty common to "mourn" the things we liked to do that involved drinking. I'm going to Northern CA in July for a wedding and have to say I felt a little bummed that I won't be going wine tasting ever again. Then I thought of how much I love waking up without a hangover and remembering everything I did the night before.

It can be tough at times but you sound like you know what you want. Good luck to you.
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Old 03-02-2014, 12:45 PM
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Originally Posted by AuntieSoso View Post
As I sit here talking with DH about it, I get choked up and teary-eyed. Why is that? Why should I be sad that a silly little liquid is out of my life?
When I lost my booze I literally felt like I had just lost my best friend! Some people do go thru a grieving process when they quit drinking. I personally went thru the process of grieving it.

Hang in there, it really does get better.
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