medicatrix

I just broke up with my alcoholic boyfriend. I told him not to call me, and he's not calling me, and I want to talk to him even though there is nothing to say, really -- it's not going to work, I don't want to be with an alcoholic. He makes me feel worse than better most of the time. But I still want to talk to him because I am lonely.

I decided I was going to quit my job on Monday and fly out of here on Thursday. It's a long story - I came to this town because I was invited back to work for my old company, but the job sucks and I am very disappointed in it. I am staying in an extended stay hotel and it is nine degrees outside. My stomach is upset for some reason -- who knows, the pneumonia I just had and the antibiotics I took could be the problem.

I have no one to talk to here, nowhere to go, and I'm not sure what to do next.

WOW do I want a glass of wine. It would at least take me away from the reality I'm in right now, which is pretty bleak. I'm pretty tempted to cave, here, on Day 37.

Pipefish

Don't cave in. Sounds like it will make an emotionally trying situation a good deal worse. Even if it offers a temporary reprieve, the fall-out is never worth it.

It sounds like you have had lots going on. Hard times. This will get better - maybe not today or tomorrow - but if you hang in there, by the law of averages, it just will.

There's people to talk to here, just keep posting. Have a hot bath/shower. Get something to eat. Watch some TV. Paint your nails!! Just don't drink.

Wish you well

KateL

Wherever you are you will feel down but it will pass. If you want to go home then go for it. Home is where the heart is and perhaps you can build from there. I miss my mad boyfriend and the passion our insanity created but it wasn't healthy and now I feel free, It takes time but you do heal. I will always love him but I have learned to live without him., It can be done xxxxx

Gottalife

When I feel like that I go to a meeting and try to help someone else. It works every time.

Be a bit wary of the geographical cure too. I tried it many times. New place new people, fresh start, I only made one mistake. Taking me with me, and my old problems arrived soon after.
The problem was internal. Changing my external world never brought any lasting results.

least

Don't give in to the urge. You've got 37 days sober, don't blow it now.

neferkamichael

Medicatrix, day 37 is FANTASTIC, congratulations. Our brain follows where our mind takes it, but takes time to catch up, please hang tuff. Rootin for ya.

Anna

Hang in there! You can get through this without dealing with your ex. Good for you for getting through 37 days!

Mags1

Hi Medicatrix keep with it, 37 days is brill you've come so far.

Break ups are heart wrenching but you did it for reasons you could not put up with, if you talked with him would anything have changed.

Just remember you aren't alone, we are all here for you xx

Dee74

I'm sorry you're low right now Medicatrix...but I kinda think your future looks pretty good, not bleak.

You know what you don't want - that's a necessary prerequisite in working out what you do want

best wishes too you - and remember we're here

D

medicatrix

The thing is, I really didn't realize the extent of my problem until I started seeing him. We had a *fantastic* bond as drunks, we would laugh and laugh and drink and party together, just him and me. But he was a whole lot better at it than I was and a lot more experienced. I'm not saying I was better than he was, but he could put away twice what I could, always drove with a couple of drinks in him, was always drunk-dialing me, picking fights. Smelled like a brewery an *awful* lot of the time.

And I kept thinking, I love you but I don't want to be like that. I don't want that life.

Which made me start looking seriously at my own problem. How could I judge him when I was right there with him, showing up to work hungover and getting in to these crazy arguments and so on? I had to stop, and that meant -- I *knew* -- quitting him too. i kept drinking for a while because I didn't want to leave him.

But the end happened after I stopped drinking. He plays all these mind games, and the last one was when he texted me at 8 in the morning and told me he didn't want to see me on the weekend because I was asleep when he started calling me around eleven pm the night before. Have a nice weekend, he said. I said, you don't want to see me? He said -- never again.

And I kind of went cold, you know? I thought, I am so tired of this person telling me all this crap, throwing fits, disappointing me. I am just so exhausted and depressed by this. I didn't want to spend the energy trying to figure out if he meant it, going to work wondering if he was going to come out of the tantrum or what I was going to do with my weekend if he meant it. I just thought, well, all right, never see me again then.

And that was it. I told him good luck and have a nice life, and then I told him to leave me alone. Which he has, because it's the weekend and he's out getting drunk with someone else.

What a dumb way to spend my time. But I have to walk out of it, step by step, day by day, discomfort by discomfort. Because I am not like him, and I won't ever be like him. I deserve better. I deserve a good life.

Hevyn

I'm glad you wanted to post about it medicatrix. Sometimes doing the right thing hurts so much - but you won't feel like this forever. Wine might give you a small, temporary bit of relief - but at what cost? It won't solve anything & you'd be so angry with yourself. I'm glad you already realize that. Yes, you deserve a good life - and you're well on your way.

ChrissieB

Hi, this is a tough time but also a good time! You are so right you deserve better and you are definitely on the road to better. 37 days is fantastic and you are no longer involved with someone who prefers poison. Stay strong x

wpainterw

Medicatrix:
That last post of yours was dynamite! It's you! And you're right on focus. Don't let him hold you back! Make your own life better! You can do it! You sound strong and on the right path. Keep it up! Tell us how you're coming along. Tell us if there is anything we can do to help you! It may not be easy at times. Nothing worth while is easy. And is this worth while! You better believe it! Recovery from alcohol is worth a ton of gold.Every good wish.

W.

Tiptree

You have a great spirit and so much potential, don't let anyone or anything hold you back. You see the reality of your situation. Don't second guess yourself, move on, hard as that may be. Rooting for you!

Hope4Life

37 days is EXCELLENT! Not worth it to throw that away because of him, that's for sure!

Take a look online and see if there is a chip meeting near you tonight. Even if you are not going to commit to going every week... go and get your 30 day chip. That precious bauble is pretty darn powerful and may help give you some strength to avoid that 1st drink.

I guarantee that there will be people to talk to there, who want to hear from you. You may find some new friends like I did too!