Gibbons2

I think I love your FindTheAnswer. We are each other in some ways, and yet not. Same as everyone. I drink tonight, but will be sober tomorrow. So sorry for my whining @ss. I really am. At least I have the choices to try.

Did you ever see the movie, "Life Is Beautiful?" What a wonderful thing, for a man who was going to die, to do something for his son.

Wow, do I really feel bad.

I don't know if I feel self-important sober. Just stronger. Yet I fail and then I know I am not as strong as what I thought I was. I feel like I can "brave the world," but then the world smacks me in the face. When I thought I was in control of it all.

Yes, I have self esteem issues, I know that I do, but when I am sober, I don't think that I do. It all gets so cloudy and confused as to who I think I am at the time and maybe who I really am. I have a hard time figuring it out.

And no, I didn't get fired at my job of 19 years. I quit on them (shouldn't have just up and quit, but I did). I wanted to be someone. Felt like I was someone. Still do. Just don't understand why no one appreciates my strife. The fact that I am trying so hard. You see, I have always believed in me, just not in any of them. And that is why I feel so alone.

Gibbons2

And I for those who are just reading this, out on the fence (and here's where being sober for 7 years helps me), and thinking about joining, or getting sober, what I would tell you is that AA, or a support forum like this, is a breathe of fresh air.

FINALLY, I can say, how I feel, FINALLY, I get to be myself, FINALLY, someone understands who I am.

And that is NOT to say, just "being a drunk." Finally I can voice the words of my discontentment and have someone know it and understand it.

And in that way, I am free.

FindTheAnswer

You made it SEVEN years sober. I think you are pretty Damn strong. If I make it to 7 years, I'm doing the whole "I am Tarzan" beating my chest thing. I don't care how Self-important it makes me feel or ridiculous as it may be in that example.

FindTheAnswer

I'm strong, too. I didn't drink after I cleaned the diarrhea off my new rug. But, I wanted to!!

Gibbons2

Well, FindTheAnswer, that is where the AA people are right. It really is one day at a time. That as much time as you have in the past, it is still a struggle day by day. If nothing else, take this from me, alcoholism can catch you off guard. When you are at your weakest, it rears it's ugly head. It did for me.

When I was sober, yes, every morning was good, when I didn't feel like I could trust anyone, I told the ex, "I am going to get drunk." And it was a surprise to me. That I even said it, after all those years. But there it was, rearing it's ugly head.

I held off for two years after that, but got drunk anyone. Prior to that, I never, ever, would have thought it. I am scared to death of drinking and what it does to me. Great being in a fog? I fear for my own self.

It is like riding a bicycle, you never forget. And even after those years, apparently, I didn't either, even though I thought I did.

RachelNorth

The 7 years sober but have had something good otherwise you wouldn't have lasted. I understand what you are saying. I am sorry you feel like this. Do not under estimate your self esteem issues, they are big. I don't have any advice, sorry. Your life sounds so like mine and I know that pain. Am going to bed now so won't reply if you do post.

From another nameless, faceless SR member. But I see so much of me in your posts, and its breaks my heart, for both of us. Take care.

FindTheAnswer

I'm still waiting for the feel good part. I've been home 3 weeks and not accomplished anything. I am so tired all of the time. I need to be packing my house to move and I have done nothing. I don't understand what is wrong with me. I feel like I'm wasting so much time, yet I have no drive to do anything about it.

Gibbons2

Well, my best advice to staying sober is don't get away from AA or forums like this. That is when you get weak. You see, I thought I had it "all wrapped up." I THOUGHT I was "cured" and so I quit going to AA, practicing the steps, doing the reading. But your addiction is always with you. You don't have to be actively drinking to still have the same old feelings as before and they show up when you least expect it.

I got away from God and AA and it is no surprise that trying to "do it on my own" led me back to drinking. It is good advice for the future. There is no such thing as it being "solved." Stay involved. It's the best advice I have for myself and others.

Mountainmanbob

this little part of your story caught my attention
but
I probably better not comment

I do wish you well though
even though you are right - I don't really know you

I hope that you will find exactly what you are looking for
as I know sometimes the search can be very tiring

Mountainman

Gibbons2

Well, Mountain, I concluded either I am not good at picking the right people or just that relationships are weird. Mine never seem to be what I hoped they would be. Maybe that's just life. I don't know.

StraightAhead

You've discovered that no matter where you go, there you are. You are miserable whether you are drunk or sober. Probably much less miserable sober, but not so much less miserable that you feel its worth it to be sober. Feelings of jealousy, bitterness and loss predominating over the positive. Wanting to get out of it but not knowing how. That is a very tough place to be.

One thing that might help you would be to get in touch with your inner self. I think have to reconnect with yourself the way you were when you were a child, before you got a gun pointed at you. If you can just recall the wonder of being a child, and realize again the fact that our consciousness is a miracle that is in front of us every moment. Even in your present state you can appreciate it if you just take a moment to consider the fantastic gift of being alive. Take a moment, breathe in a breath of fresh air, and breathe out the negative feelings, breathe in the wonder of consciousness, and breathe out the desperation that you feel.

You can do it! And only you can do it. Best of luck to you.

Gibbons2

I think have to reconnect with yourself the way you were when you were a child, before you got a gun pointed at you. If you can just recall the wonder of being a child, and realize again the fact that our consciousness is a miracle that is in front of us every moment.

But it is not true. We cannot go back in time.

Imabuleva

I'm glad you're doing what you have to do, Gibbons. Because I'm not gonna lie, the OP was depressing.

Glad to have you here.

Dee74

I've had the flu so apologies for not replying Gibbons

I understand you have trust issues.

I'm not asking you to trust me, or even believe that what I write is heartfelt - although I assure you I am trustworthy and this, and all my other posts, are honest sharings of my experience.

What I can do is promise that you'll find support here if you look for it.

I had a lot of bad things happen to me too. I realise now it doesn't mean the world is bad or everyone is untrustworthy...it just means I was taken advantage of a lot, and the wide eyed naive faith I put in trusting people (and the good in people) was dashed, at least for a few decades.

I'm better now at discerning who has the 'walk' beyond the 'talk'

Maybe you convinced yourself that dealing with all this other stuff was more painful than simply trying to drink yourself into forgetfulness?

You wouldn't be the first. I was there myself for 20 years.

This time I accepted it was going to be a long process dealing with my demons, and sometimes a scary one.

For me that meant I decided to let other people help me, a little, when needed.

I'm glad I did Gibbons

D