abcowboy

So Gibbons, no one gives a s**t, look at all the replies from people who want to help, and because of the internet they want to remain faceless and voiceless, but if you really need to talk to someone, pm me, I'll give you my number......

gleefan

We care. I care. I recognized your username and checked in on your post because I care about you. Maybe there is a better fit for you than an online support forum, like AA or a support group? Counseling? Bible study? It sounds like you are looking for meaning in life. There are so many ways to get help and help others.

alphaomega

I care too. And I understand your hopelessness. But please know, this feeling of utter despair is in part due the chemical imbalance in your brain.

There is nothing good on the otherside of those bottles.

But there is more hope and support here than you can imagine.

We are you. Exactly you. With the life horror stories and heavy crosses to bear.

There is much life waiting for you if you decide to wade through this muck and mire.

I promise.

Forghetti35

The alcohol is rearing its head again. Whenever I said what's the point in the past, it was me trying to rationalize my drinking. After almost a year of sobriety, I talked myself into drinking again. You had 7 years, and you did the same. Alcoholism is never cured. Rationalizing proves that. Don't let the voices talk you into binging again.

Solar

I'm really sorry to hear that you are going through all of this. It seems to me that you could really use a change. Not just the change you get going from drinking to sobriety (which you've already made)... but a change.

A couple of years ago I nearly died of liver failure. I was tremendously sick, and they couldn't give me any good medication, because most of it gets processed by the liver - so I had a pretty miserable time of it. How terrible for me, right? No - it's one of the best things that ever happened to me.

After I recovered, I started making changes. I got back into shape. I moved from the big city to a small town - and I eventually moved to another country, too. I left my old job and started doing something I liked better. I visited places I wouldn't normally go and made new friends. I started taking risks to do the things that were the most important to me, because I realized that if I didn't do them now, I would one day die without achieving them. I'm much happier now than I was before I got sick, and a lot of that is because I got sick.

You don't have to have a near-death experience to realize that you have to work to get at the things you want most. Seek out clubs full of people who love to do what you do and you'll meet friends - and men - who share the same spark. Write a book. Run a half marathon. Visit a bizarre and exotic country. Find your passion.

You're correct when you say that the people on this site don't really know you, but you're wrong about one thing - they do care about you. You don't write hundreds - or thousands - of posts trying to help complete strangers recover from alcoholism and live full and complete lives without caring about them. Now it seems to me that you need to find out what you care about. Then grab hold of it and don't let go.

I hope this helps.

tornrealization

Gibbons I wanted to say good morning. I hope you are doing ok. Let us know how you are doing today. I know that feeling you had last night. I had nine months and picked up again. I find that sure SR is a lot of caring strangers now but give it time. I too recognized you from the Feb. threads and I do care. PM anytime.

gleefan

Good morning gibbons. I hope you feel better today.

Gibbons2

Dee, your post was the best that I read. What happened that I gave up 7 years sober for? Well, I thought when I was sober and trustworthy, that everyone else would be too. That when I was good, they were good. It didn't happen that way.

And it was veryyyyyyyyyyy disappointing. I was decent, honest, fair and I thought everyone would be too. Not so.

I am an adult child of an alcoholic. I am the responsible one. I am the one who was always under pressure to get it done, do something. No one else did anything, so I did and tried and tried. Today I am the same person. I have no one to depend on. I have never been married (I am scared of commitment I think), I have no children, I have a dog, a cat and a house. That's it. Oh and my own business that is doing fairly well. But the point being is that all I have is me. Same as when I was a kid.

I do not have the money to pay a counselor $100s of dollars an hour to tell me what I already know about myself.

I have my mother especially that I help and she can't give me help in return. But I try and I try and I try. To squeeze out love from the people who were the only thing I knew growing up. I am well aware of the isolating factors of alcoholism. I grew up that way with my dad being a drunk for many years and had very few friends because of this. My family is all I know.

So what, Dee, did I not understand about myself when I was sober for 7 years and picked up again? I understand it, I just don't accept it. That isn't even true. What I did was reach out, to a stranger (the ex), thinking that me getting away from my family (I even moved) and depending (certainly not entirely, I still worked, etc. and I am far from a gold-digger) on someone else, that maybe this person was someone who loved me back, would be the right move. Would get me something in return besides trying to do everything for everyone. That this person was different and would give me something back. Not true.

I have an alcoholic friend who was sober for a few years and went back to drinking again. He said what difference does it make? I can't say I do not agree with him. Besides for myself, really, what difference DOES it make? I got the same thing, drunk or sober.

I posted in the 24 hour thread this morning and here I sit, drinking.

I appreciate all the replies.

Gibbons2

And my problem isn't necessarily alcoholism Dee, (it is, but that is just part of it), it is trust. I couldn't trust my Dad after being run after with a gun at the age of 12 (although admittedly I think he was just trying to say goodbye to us before he blew his head off, which didn't happen). Not after I tried to be nice and I tried and tried and tried. I thought because I was the "good kid," that I was somehow above it.

The same with the ex. I thought if I did what he wanted, moved, etc. (although at that time sober I tried to reserve something for myself too), that it would be different. It wasn't.

So you can see, I hope, that me getting involved with others (at least on a personal level, even here), doesn't work so well. Drunk, sober, what difference does it make? People still can't be trusted. So what choice do I have, but to be alone? And knowing that is my only option is not so great.

FindTheAnswer

Gibbons: At first I was a bit put off by your post because you seemed to be putting down the support of people that I have found very supportive. And, if you are honest with yourself, you must find them to be of some value or you wouldn't be back here. As I've read further, though, you struck a chord with me. You are hurting and drinking because of lack of trust. I think it might be better defined as "unmet expectations". And, THAT, I think is something many of us can relate to. I also label it "trust', but am realizing that I'm upset that people don't treat me the way I treat them. That I can give everything I am to people and they don't feel obligated to give me the same courtesty.

I don't have the answer for you; I'm searching, too. (thus the name) However, I know that I haven't found those answers drinking either. Numbness, yes. Humiliation, yes. Shame, yes. Lost respect, yes.

The sad truth in life is that some of us, many of us- may never get what we "want" or "think" we deserve. Like you, I have lived my life thinking that if I am "good" enough--they will love me and appreciate me in a way I can feel it and that will make me feel fulfilled. It hasn't worked out that way for me. Not in relationships. Not in jobs. Not even as a parent.

What I think I am missing is finding value in myself and being "good enough" in my own eyes so that I don't need the validation from someone else. I've had guys say, "I didn't really need all those things you gave or did for me. I wanted you to let me be me". Or they wanted more freedom than my "expectations" allowed.

We are also alike that I was married to a wonderful man, but wasn't sexually attracted to him. My life was very easy, too. I lost that marriage and have never forgiven myself for it. I have downed lots of bottles crying over it. And, like you, I found extreme sexual fulfillment in other men, that were just really bad news for me and my insecurities. Life can be unfair like that.

I think that is part of why I loved to drink. Numbness means I don't have to deal with my feeling of how "UNFAIR" my plight is. But, really, why not us? Who deserves everything and who doesn't? You are right to a degree, others will care, but they can't get sober for us and maintain it. WE have to care enough to do that part. And it sucks. I want someone to take away my sadness, my lack of fulfillment, my lack of motivation. I want someone to do this for me because I am so tired of the responsibility of caring for myself alone. Others have people helping them, why not me?

I applaud you for 7 years. At this point, I cannot imagine making it that far. Who are you really not trusting right now? Them, us, or yourself for drinking again?

This life is difficult even for those who have it all. I think there are more of us here that can relate than you think. You must feel that deep down or you wouldn't be reaching out. So, accept that people care, and soak up all the support that is being offered to you.

You have 7 years of sobriety. You have so much to offer this forum.

Thepatman

I do care.

Maybe count your blessings is a good start. I saw you have a living mom. My father passed away when I was 5, my mom at 33. I would give both my arms to be with her for 5 seconds sober.

I also feel like a child in an adult body. My emotional development got affected by my dad dying, and my mom a full blown Alcoholic. Even saw her pissed drunk naked when I was 8.

All that said is that I need fixing, mental fixing. I also can't maintain intimacy. Maybe some day, but not until I feel better, that I grow up inside.

Hang in there!

Gibbons2

FindTheAnswer: Wonderful post. Hahahahaha! Who do I not trust now? Me. Me without them. I don't know who I am without them. Except maybe alone. Except busting my @ss trying to be someone and not getting any love because Yeah! "I succeeded today." I don't trust that I love myself enough.

Couldn't be more honest in that reply. It is a very hard thing to see.

Gibbons2

It is harder than h*ll to stand on your own two feet and find comfort in it. It really is.

FindTheAnswer

Gibbons: You are right. Harder than hell. We have been responsible for so much for so long, and damn it--life is making us be responsible for ourselves, too. I KNOW what that feels like. My only luxury is that I was married to a man that showed me a different life than the childhood I experienced. Sometimes I don't know if that helped me or hurt me. Sometimes I wonder if not knowing any different is better than knowing and losing it!

I bet you and I aren't the only ones that don't trust ourselves. I know I don't love myself. I see too many faults. I also try to overcompensate for them and that is part of "giving" too much and trying to "earn" the love we want so badly. If we could try as hard to earn our own love, I wonder how much better we would feel?

FindTheAnswer

"I don't know who I am without them. Except maybe alone."

Who were you with them?

Gibbons2

FindTheAnswer: I had a job. I knew who I was, I knew what to do, how to do it, how to be. Without that I feel lost, quite frankly. I feel like I am trying to care about just me (feel bad about the dog and cat though) and don't have anything worthwhile to show for it. If you don't have people, who do you have? Just me being strong always? And that gives me what? Pride? Pride goeth before a fall. Pride of being self important? Having a giant ego (which AA advises against)? That gets me what?

Gibbons2

And I don't want to do it. I don't want to sit here and whine about me being an alkie. As much as you did or did not understand my first post, it doesn't matter. I hate myself when I drink. I sound like a whining child, when others out here drink more than I do (I drink about 9 beers every two or three days, when I am "trying to quit"). But there is worse. There are worse situations. I know it and I get tired of sitting here being a whining @ss.

Because that is all I am. Love me, give me something. Maybe they don't have it to give. Maybe I am the selfish one. Maybe so. Maybe not. Who knows.

All I know is, I don't want to sit here and do this. I don't want your sympathy. Or mine. Or anyone else's.

I WANT to be able to handle life and be strong. It is just so hard day by day. I wanted it solved. There is my black and white, just like AA says, alkies are black and white people, and so am I. I have a very hard time seeing it day by day, but to use up your help for me being me, makes me feel just as bad. It does.

FindTheAnswer

Guess what.
I lost my job 3 weeks ago. A company I have worked with 12 years. I was 1 week sober.

I lost my boyfriend. An abusive relationship that I took back--he loved me most. ahem But, where is he now?

I am losing my house. I have owned a home since age 21. I am now 45 and losing everything.

I have to laugh, and it isn't funny....but I have had several conversations recently about "pride". Boy, do I have lots of it having always been so "responsible". I don't accept help from anyone, not even parents...that makes me "better" than my sister and friends that do accept help, right? Funny, how we can have so little esteem in ourselves, yet feel such pride. I'm still thinking on that dichotomy.

Without people, yes, it isn't easy. However, I find I push most of them away that want to help me. Are you doing that?

So, you and me. We both lost jobs? (not sure if you lost a real job, or if you considered the relationship a job? Sorry if I didn't follow that)

We both lost a boyfriend?

You have a cat and dog. I have a dog ....that decided to eat thread yesterday and now the vet wants to do a $2000 surgery to get it out. When I don't have a job and have cancelled my own appointments. hmmm

Are we a sad lot? What would we tell someone else?

Guess what. **** happens. And in the dog's case it was diarrhea and on my new $500 rug.

I know you feel lost. I do, too. The good news is that we DO still have ourselves. We are healthy enough to make decisions that are in our own best interest. We don't have a disability that takes our choice away. We don't have to wait for someone else to decide for us...regardless of the situation in question..not only drinking. We are complaining about the responsibility, but others complain because they don't have the ability, the choice, the strength. We do. We may not like it, but we CAN.

I think it is sad that we feel who we are is dependent on a "them". Caring about yourself and feeling better is what you will have to show for it.

Did you feel self-important sober? Do you feel that way drunk? Your lack of esteem seems to be part of your issue, not an elevated esteem.

If being strong for someone else is what you need, then be strong for us. Lean on us and allow us to lean on you for support.

FindTheAnswer

So, there, Gibbons. I was the bigger whiney @ss. You don't have to feel badly.

PurpleKnight

I agree with your interpretation of the world, it's sometimes not a nice place and not everyone in it is very nice either, just turn on the news or read a newspaper.

So the reality I also agree is that drinking or not drinking makes no difference to the world around us, simply not drinking won't change your life in terms of job, money, house, relationships etc.

I quit drinking last Nov, the material parts of my life are the same, have a job with the same pay, am still single, live on my own (btw your doing one better on me having a pet for company). So I could sit here and say well what was the point of quitting drinking? why not carry on as it didn't make any difference to my circumstances.

BUT . . . when we boil it all down and honestly think about things, life when drinking, for those that were still able to hold down a job was a destructive spiral into nothingness, we may not have lost jobs or relationships but were we really living life to our full potential under the cloud and haze of alcoholism? did potential promotions, relationships, opportunities walk past us as we were too consumed in our addiction to notice or too hungover to care?

Quitting drinking won't solve the world, other people, maybe not even our own circumstances, but it will help to provide a better foundation to seek out the things we want from life.

People in life whether Sober or not end up in life with varying degrees of "success" or with the things they want from life, alcohol in itself may neither lower or increase the probability of achieving for some people.

However even without an addiction, most people wrestle with this same issue of not getting what they want out of life, but I do know drinking is not the answer to the problem.

Stay strong, you can get through this, everyone who has posted on this thread does care!!