A life in hangovers.
 

Reflecting on how many life events I missed being fully present during, because I was either bombed or hungover.

From little league games to school orientations to bake sales.

I was asked by my best friend to be her birth coach. And while I managed to pull it together enough to help her through childbirth, I was in full on agony from a rip roaring hangover that set off my anxiety and had me reeling for 8 hours of her pushing.

A missed comedic duet in high school because I was too hung over to get out of bed. My partner in that event showed up but was unable to perform because I wasn't there. We found out a week later she had stomach cancer and passed away a few months later. But my hungover behind was too sick. Gheesh.

I have missed so many important things because I was incapable of being there both physically and mentally.

This reflection isn't serving as a self flogging, but rather a reminder as to the gift of what these last seven months of sobriety has brought with it.

I want to face life, squarely and head on, with all of its foibles and follies, with a fully present mind, body and spirit.

I can be fearless and faith filled if I remain sober.

I hear ya. I attended many of my children's activities, shows, games, practices, etc., but there were many times we could have gone out for ice cream except I wanted to stay home and drink instead.

I don't want to dwell, but I also don't want to forget. Forgetting is my AV's friend. I choose to remember.

:ring

Amen sister!!!

Personally, I don't want to think about any of the old way, ever again, blah to that.
The new me, is a lot smarter and wiser.

My thoughts on the word hangover are, "Welcome to hell."

You nailed it AO;

We have missed many things due to booze, but thankfully and with grace have many more to look forward to.

I try to be even more present with others when I can now to live the life I have left more fully.

After pain, what is sweet is somehow sweeter.

Thank you for this post today. It was timely. . .

I think facing life and our history is the most difficult thing about sobriety. It's all there waiting for us.

Yep, sunday afternoon is our family get together day. Missed tons of them to drink. Went last Sunday and had an absolute blast.

I hear ya. I still have guilty feelings popping up from this past summer/fall when my whole family would beg me to come out and play/go for a boatride/ride bikes/etc. but I begged off over and over and over again because I was just way. too. hungover.
Regrets!

I'm sorry about your regrets...but wow, am impressed someone asked you to be their birth coach. You must be a pretty awesome person for someone to have asked that!

No need to stare too much in the rear view mirror, just glance then eyes back forward to now, the present x

Hi Alpha,

I don’t think I remember one lucid thing during my eleven year marriage to my alcoholic husband. Perhaps this is a blessing in disguise. ;)
When I let my mind wander back in time to the awful that was, I find I get so sad and remorseful, which leads to all forms of self-pity. My slippery slope.

However, in the past few years, I have attended almost all of my nephews high school football games, gone to every giant super-extended family function, enjoyed holidays with my close family and have found great joy in the smallest of things.
The guilt of the past is fading with time and my life is now filling with wonderful memories.
:)

It's interesting to me that in my drinking days, on days I was 'not' drinking, I thought I was fully present, sober. I never was. In retrospect, I was not drinking that day, but I was still thinking obsessively on those days, still distancing myself from my family emotionally, and just plain 'not there'.

Great post! I missed a ton when I was drinking. My family has mentioned it a few times, nicely, that I am now more present then in the past. I don't dwell on the past because it was a part of this horrible disease but I make better choices on what to do with my time and who to spend it with. Although some things are unpleasant, I am making it through them sober. It's great to be the greatest love in my nephew's eyes, to stay late at work to get things done right and to be able to go out to eat with friends after work when I used to be engulfed with alcohol instead.

I am so happy you made it this far sista! Those are the kind of things running through my mind as I started to gain my acceptance. The part where your brain finally starts to heal enough and you walk out on that dink. Dedicating this song to your addiction.
Goodbye Says It All Blackhawk Lyrics - YouTube

...and we thought we were enhancing our lives by drinking. We figured it helped us cope, made things easier, more fun - made us more interesting. It never did a thing but numb us and hold us back.

Thank you alphaomega for the heartfelt post and the valuable reminder. :hug:

Thanks for the very valuable reminder...just this afternoon I passed the man in the grocery store who offers free samples of whatever alcohol in the store is on special...I passed him right by of course but was still thinking in my mind how cozy drinking would be on this rainy, stormy afternoon!

In my last few years of drinking, I was isolating so much I wasn't much invited anywhere to miss! I did quit 2 jobs because I was too drunk to get to them anymore. I was unable to make countless job interviews due to either being drunk or anxiety ridden and in withdrawal. And when I miraculously made it to and then aced an interview and was offered full-time employment, I drank the weekend away and called on that Sunday to tell them I was not going to be able to start on Monday. Needless to say, they rescinded the offer! Two weeks later someone else in the office called me to reoffer...guess what? I was still in too bad of shape to take the job!

I paid dearly for the time unemployed among many other things. No need to go into details on that!

I missed a lot too. :( Not any more. :)

Alpha!! Don't put yourself through this torture! You are doing so well. You'll be able to make all the memorable events now. Celebrate your successes! You are doing amazing.

This thread made me feel sad :( Made me remember alot of the irresponsible things I actually hadn't thought about in a long time.

But in some warped way, I'm glad to think about them. Just strengthens my resolve. Thanks @alphaomega.

Wow. Many great threads on here tonight. In my program of recovery, we say "we will not regret the past nor wish to close the door on it." I struggle with that sometimes because I did so many bad things and mistreated a lot of people due to my alcoholism. I also was only half there or not there at all for many things and people. Like Anna mentioned, even if I was "sober" most of the time I wasn't there 100% because my wheels were turning internally on my next drink or my last one. But I am learning to not see this for a downer because becoming a recovering alcoholic, I am learning to treat life for what it is, a gift. I'm alive and sober and now I can be here 100%.

I have made many a phone call to lie about an ailment or come up with an excuse to bail on an event. Missed a load of experiences and educational opportunities. It hurts knowing I let people down.