Trying to get my sobriety to stick this time…need advice please
 

Hello there,

I've been trying to get sober on and off for a few years now.

I work as a wine sales specialist and have avoided many possible disasters by staying sober at work related events & functions. I've been trying to get out of this business for obvious reasons but I find the times I relapse the most is always when I'm out with friends or at a social functions. I can't avoid those circumstances all the time, I just feel my will gets weak and I just cave in for…one beer?

I feel more excited, more alive when enjoying that first beer - and if I could only stop at that, well, then I wouldn't be a binge drinker eh?

Weds night my friends took me to a music concert for my birthday. I'm turning 41. Ive been feeling some anxiety about getting older and after watching my friends have a good time while I was stuck in my head, I caved in and drank..a beer, then another then another, then a shot, then one more beer. I did not drive and stayed on my friends couch but woke up with the worst hangover. I can't tell you why I made that snap decision, but somehow I feel I'm missing out on the fun if I'm sober 24/7? Also, I only drank one glass of wine yesterday to calm my nerves and then a green smoothie and sleep - was determined not to turn that night into a 3 or 4 day binge (which happens when I'm severely hungover sometimes).

I had almost 4 months sober and then messed it up then have relapsed twice since then. Haven't gone past 2 weeks since the first relapse. AA is not for me, and this forum certainly helps but can anyone share your secrets & tips to getting back some good sober time under your belt and feeling strong in social situations?

Anyone into meditation, anything you can share I certainly appreciate!!

Shay x

Try Rational Recovery and AVRT.

I've found the idea of having an alcoholic voice and recognizing it as a liar has really helped me.

I know it's strange, but the only way I can really turn off the circle of addiction is praying asking for serious help (moment of despair), going on a weekly spiritual treatment (kind of exorcism, they call it "disobsession"), and getting rid of stupid friendships (social isolation).

This way in only a few weeks I feel very different, very comitted with being sober (it becomes a natural way of thinking), and I remember I'm not here to destroy myself and throw life away, but to improve myself. Sobriety is improvement.

It's an intimate question and involves faith and belief, only told you about it because you mentioned meditation. But even if you don't believe any of this, meditation can help diminish anxiety and therefore help with the urges.

I'm into meditation - some might call it prayer.

This is unrelated to alcohol, but I used it to get over fear after an accident. I would sit and use a mantra to tell myself that I am _____. Whatever characteristics I wanted to embody is what I would fill in the blank with. For a long time it was I am strong, I am confident. And it really, truly did help me get over my fear and gain more confidence.

So maybe you could pick a mantra of what you WANT to be, not what you don't want to be (psychology says that our brains don't really make use of the negative - not, like I am not going to drink - so instead we filter out the not and our brains hear only the positive "I am going to drink" and then we're stuck). So instead of saying "I'm not going to drink today" say "I will abstain (or be sober or whatever positive word you want to use)". Just for now. If you can live in the present, in the now, then your string of nows become the past, and it might not seem so daunting. Similarly, don't plan for even a week out, or a weekend, or a day or 12 hours, or 6 hours. DO NOW. Don't do "I won't drink tonight", do "I won't drink now" and then before you know it, you've gone a lot of nows without drinking.

It helps me to just DO NOW, not worry about the future - it will get here soon enough and it will be its own now and then that's when I can do something about it.

I had to change some of my friends. Frankly, if you are trying to quit drinking, hanging out with other people who are meeting specifically for the purpose of drinking will almost always end in drinking.

That's not to say that you have to completely isolate yourself from the world, and I do attend functions and places that are serving alcohol, but not ones where the ONLY focus is to drink. For example, i don't hang out in bars anymore - there isn't a reason to. There are a plethora of places to go and things to do besides hanging out with people who are drinking.

Sobriety is a major change - and some of the changes we have to make are not ones we like - but they are necessary.

Hi Shay

Meditation and Spiritual Literature perhaps

I downloaded this app on my Iphone: calm.com

Some of my fav spiritual readings are from:

Henri Nouwen

Ray Simpson

Mitch Albom

Anne Lamott

For me being bored in sobriety is a choice and in 11 years I haven't been bored.

And maybe carrying a little stone with a saying/word on it may help, just as a reminder.

Rethink every time that urge hits for a drink refocus. Got any hobbies, hit the gym, meditation is good. Avoid isolation connect with a friend that doesn't drink or isn't one to drink a lot.
Volunteer for charity work keeps you humble and gives you a sense of purpose.
I started praying a lot and believing my prayers would be answered

AA wasn't for me either....

until after two divorces, two DUIs and two decades of frequent suffering....

Sometimes, AA isn't for us because we're yet to commit to doing the work of sobriety.

in any case, welcome and I wish you strength, self-honesty, and willingness to commit to sobriety!!

:ring

Shay, I can tell you what I know. I know that if I still clung to the romantic belief that I was missing out on the fun, I wouldn't be sober today. Getting sober and recovering is so very hard and I needed to be completely committed to it with no reservations.

Maybe you could try thinking of ways to have fun without alcohol, so that if you are in such a situation again, you would know that there were plenty of sober ways to have fun.

I used to wonder what I'd do with my time if I didn't drink. Now I know I can do ANYTHING, and do it better too. :)

CaptainZing has a great idea: volunteering. It gets you out of your own head, gives back to the community, and makes you grateful for your blessings. Try that, and gratitude, to stay sober and happy. :)

Thanks everyone - I really appreciate your comments.
I was volunteering at a detox center, making dinners, cleaning up, filing, laundry etc. I was doing this about 8 hours a week until one of the staff members treated me poorly in front of everyone (she had quite an attitude with many people there). Then she did it again when I was feeling really down… but I continued on, did my work etc.. I left there in tears and relapsed the next day.
I've been trying to find another place to give my time to…
Its amazing what can trigger feelings that lead you to the place where you'd rather get drunk to ease the pain.
I know I can do this, I've just got to find some stable ground again…
Thank you all.
Shay