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Day 12 today, but last night...

Old 02-28-2014, 04:51 AM
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Day 12 today, but last night...

Morning all! Day 12 and hope you are well and HAPPY FRIDAY! Due to circumstances beyond my control, last night I had to give the bad news that going away to college for my daughter wasn't an option due to money (her dad refuses to help with any money though he has plenty of it). This is a very looooong story, but their relationship has been deteriorating over the years but I never thought it would come to this. But he found away to hurt both of us in one fell swoop. Though this "kind" of behavior has become the norm for him, I never expected it to come to this.

Anyway, it was quite eye opening on my part last night, the feelings and thoughts I had. I felt so much emotional pain last night, knowing she would be crushed when I told her. I paced the house, wondering what to do with myself. This would've been an "emergency" that required much "medication" (wine) but I didn't. I paced, I weeped a bit on and off, then I thought, "I just won't tell her yet". She came home and we were just talking about things and she could tell something was on my mind. I told her and my little girl, who I expected to break down and lose it, stayed composed. After a pretty mature discussion between us, she said she knew deep inside he might pull something like this and THAT IT WASN'T MY FAULT!.......OMG! That made me cry. She knew and has seen everything I've been doing to try to make this work and wanted to let me know she appreciated everything I've done for her and that she knows the struggle of trying to get through to her father.

As much as I'm concerned about her, which she seems okay with everything, I have to admit I feel pretty good about myself to (though I feel a bit selfish for making this about me). This would've been become a MAJOR wine night, with an especially painful morning today just 2 weeks ago. I'm so glad I didn't go there.

My first major uncomfortable thing without alcohol and contrary to my "belief" that my wine was the answer to all these feelings.....it was quite a surprise to see me in "action" without the added fuel and the silver lining of this mess? We're okay today. Life will go on and she will thrive. Being able to really be "in the moment" and stay composed was a blessing for both of us. (Though I still have feelings of wanting just walk right up to him and knock him out with a 2by4, I will refrain and keep them to myself...well, I'll share that with ya'll)!!!

The world didn't end without my beloved wine. I didn't fall into a heap on the floor without it. I was right there, front and center.....and I liked it. Feeling what I'm supposed to feel instead of numbing myself out and over-exxagerating the emotions.

Thanks again for listening....sorry for rambling!
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Old 02-28-2014, 04:57 AM
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well done...you should be proud of yourself. I'm sure your daughter appreciated having a sober parent at a time like this.
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Old 02-28-2014, 05:02 AM
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You are doing great. We can't change what happens around us, but we can change how we react. There is money out there for collage. Grants, scholarships, loans. You just have to be creative and find them. Good luck to you and your daughter. I am proud of you both.
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Old 02-28-2014, 05:09 AM
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Nice work Intheend.

That's how its done !
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Old 02-28-2014, 05:11 AM
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Thanks and I just keep thinking of being sober through this and how much it helped the situation. Something I wouldn't even had thought about had I been drinking. If I were, I'm sure it wouldn't have gone well at all.

I truly believe there is something inside, when you know, enough is enough with the alcohol. Not that you instantly know that moment when its there, but that maybe there is a divine intervention to help you cope with the future.

Mine was just a little glimpse of what could be if I just DO NOT DRINK! My father, who was a raging alcoholic, ended up in rehab and thrived....just in time for my Mom to get cancer, and leave us a year and 1/2 later. Had he still been drinking, what a mess that would've been. But he became her caretaker, and towards the end, instead of putting her in hospice, he kept her home and had hospice come to them daily. He was front and center and was able to show her his love for her after all these years, in the most special way....he took care of the love of his life till the end. I was so very proud of him. My Mom was a great person and deserved that, and he stepped up to the plate like a champ.

Sorry I'm all over the place but I'm just full of emotion today and I thank SR and all of you for being here.
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Old 02-28-2014, 05:54 AM
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Hi In, you did great not returning to old habits to get you through! Huntington is right, spend time on Google and I'm sure you'll find grants etc to get her to College! I'm on the other side of the fence, the drinking father..... I didn't drink nearly as much when I went through my divorce 20 years ago, but I now realize that my drinking probably contributed some for sure. With 4 kids, my support payments were extremely high, took just about all of my salary, so I took on a second job to make ends meet.... I never missed one payment over the next ten years! But as each child turned 18, and the support payments dropped, I started drinking more heavily..... as the kids grew older and started University, their mother told them there was no money for school because their dad was too selfish, but each child's support payment had $150.00 per month for future education. I worked even harder to make sure the kid's got the education they wanted, but I gave the money directly to them. Our youngest girl got accepted to a school in Washington, DC to get her Master's degree and she was so excited, this is after spending 8 years in school already. She needed to have $100,000.00 in her bank account before they would accept her as an international student, her mom's answer, it was God's way of telling her that she shouldn't be going! Once again, the selfish dad had to step up to the plate! My rant and rave through all this I suppose is that any man, alcoholic, drug addict, or whatever, should go to the end's of the earth for his children!!
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Old 02-28-2014, 06:08 AM
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Great job Friend!!!
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Old 02-28-2014, 06:48 AM
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I'm glad you got thru a tough situation sober.
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Old 02-28-2014, 07:17 AM
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What a wonderful story! That's recovery! Congratulations. Having made it through last night without drinking will be such a help in the future: you will KNOW you can face difficulty without it. Again, congratulations!
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Old 02-28-2014, 07:23 AM
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Well done and yes apply for grants. student loans and all of that. That's what I did and my two are in uni xxxxx
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Old 02-28-2014, 07:30 AM
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InTheEnd,

You did great! I am so sorry that you have to deal with that disappointment, and your daguther does, but you handled it very well, and so did she.

This has nothing to do with drinking, but your situation. My husband's younger sisters did not have any money for college, but managed to use community colleges for 2 years, then transfer to better state schools(in their state the state schools are very good) for their last 2 years. So, they were able to plan and save to go away for the last two years, at least.

I hope you find a way, and your sobriety will only make you more present and focused for all of the challenges in life.
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Old 02-28-2014, 07:40 AM
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Great job!!! I know that must be heart breaking to deliver that news.

I would calmly explain to dear dad that if he's not willing to help with educational costs that if he is declaring her as an adult dependent id ask him to remover her as his dependent on his taxes. Let her fill out a FAFSA form that is not tied to his earnings and your little girl may get a shot at going away to school.

It's a dame shame when a parent uses their child's future and education as a chess move.

You did the right thing I bet your daughters are very proud to have their mom emotionally there for them when they need it.
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Old 02-28-2014, 07:51 AM
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You're clearly doing a good job with your daughter, despite your husband's interference-by-omission.

Having hurtful and selfish parents is nothing new; managing to detach from them in a healthy way is priceless.
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Old 02-28-2014, 07:59 AM
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WOW! good job! that was a hard battle you fought and won! Discussions like that always turn out badly when "medicated". Not only do you not remember what was decided, words that never would be said when sober seem to be totally acceptable when drunk.

I second what KateL said, there is grants out there and all kinds of help if you are determined and look. Go to High School or community college councilers and find out where to start. Between the two of you I am sure you can get college accomplished!
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Old 02-28-2014, 11:06 AM
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Thanks everyone, it really melts my heart to read these replies. I'll never, ever, EVER, understand any power play being used when it involves your children, but it is what it is. His actions are beyond my control.
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Old 02-28-2014, 02:14 PM
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I'm glad you stayed sober InTheEnd. I hope your daughter can still get to college someway

D
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