LeeD82

I was talking to one of my childhood pals last night*; he was declared an alcoholic 6 years ago and finally got clean 4 years ago. Issue now is that he's basically replaced drink with sex.

He spends all his spare time (and I mean every minute) on his computer and phone looking for sex on the internet. He said he's had sex with 40 different women aged between 18 and 50 in the past 6 months (including prostitutes) on a regular basis.

Is this normal? Has he just replaced one vice for another? Are the two linked pathologically?


Surely this is part of the same condition that led him to drink. Thing is, he never fully confronted his problem. Sure, he doesn't actually drink anymore, but his lifestyle hasn't changed. He still knows and hangs with the same idiots. He still runs up massive debts on credit cards just for a laugh.

It seems to be that alcoholism isn't the problem. More so, it is a symptom of a wider lifestyle issue.

I guess, as one poster put, it's not possible to just white knuckle it out. It requires a different philosophical perspective entirely. The aim being to transform one's life with quitting being a condition, rather than merely going cold turkey.

* By childhood pal, I do mean it. It's not one of those things were it's actually me. I'd just say me if it was.

Weasel1966

Lee... Welcome to SR!

Second hand descriptions of someone else's addiction posing questions that anyone here could possibly advise on is a tough one.

I agree with you in that these seem connected. Based on your description your friend sounds immature and craves something outside himself constantly to get by. It may take time for him to see what he is doing... Or... He may never.

I suspect never. But again who am I to say.

Have you explained what you said here to him? I suggest starting there.

As for you? How are you doing with staying sober? Have a plan for yourself? I have found a lot of help here on SR. Hope you do too.

GreenEggsAndHam

Alcohol is only a bandaid for problems. When the bandaid eventually stops working we look for other bandages until or unless we find a way to heal without the bandages.

Ruby2

'It seems to be that alcoholism isn't the problem. More so, it is a symptom of a wider lifestyle issue."

This is the crux of why people work the steps of AA. To enact change in their lives so they can grow and not engage in negative lifestyle issues. I don't have my Big Book with me for the exact quote but it reads along the lines that alcohol is merely a symptom of our problems.

And sure, some people do compensate for the loss of alcohol in their lives by engaging in other stuff that can get out of hand. Your friend will continue to do what he has always done and whether it is normal or not, you really have little to no control over what he does. You can voice your concerns but beyond that, I would focus on your own recovery.

advbike

It is simply a manifestation of emotional distress, a void that causes many of us to seek external gratification. Obsessive behaviors are very common - I have them myself and I know it is because I am not happy in my core. So contemplating, and then buying a gadget, or a car, or some other thing briefly stimulates dopamine and serotonin release and fills the emotional void. I am more obsessed and likely to do this when I don't drink, which was simply another way of self-medicationg.

These obsessive behaviors create the same brain chemistry that normal people get from healthy relationships and interactions. The disorders can run from compulsive eating, or shopping, to severe drug and alcohol abuse. For those interested in better understanding the root causes of this, I highly recommend the book "In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts" by Dr Gabor Mate. His research and other's points to a stressful environment in early childhood, among other things, as being at the root cause of these addictive behaviors.

Anna

I second the recommendation of Gabor Mate's book. He is awesome.

I do believe that alcoholism is the symptom. For me, it was.

I had lost touch with my feelings at about age 5, when abuse (verbal & physical) became the norm. When you grow up in a situation like that, you need every ounce of energy to simply survive. Growing, learning, developing - those things don't happen. I had so much stuff to deal with when I stopped drinking.

Bubovski

In an article directed towards recovering drug addicts Bill W writes of AA's sole purpose as being about not drinking. Of course the general literature is also valuable when it comes to being a better person in general.
While our moral problems were exacerbated by alcohol ceasing to drink will not automatically render us faultless individuals.
By swapping 'the witch for the bitch'......lust for example, our sobriety will be minimized in its worth.
All forms of extremism seem to be bad; it is not easy at times to find the most balanced position.

Dee74

It's very easy to become cross addicted to other things, especially if you never deal with the root issues. That's how I moved from pot to alcohol.

D

Dee74

??

D

Soberween

Alcohol never is the problem, it's the solution. Sounds like his new "solution" is sex. For me the problem was anxiety and I was covering it up or escaping from it through alcohol.

Bubovski

Is that a question Dee?

Not sure where I heard 'switching the bitch for the witch' (or vice versa)..........

I see many things as addictive and potentially dangerous, as well as alcohol.
Jesus speaks of ridding one devil, only to gain different ones.
I try and walk a balanced path.

Mountainmanbob

most would call your friend a sex addict very destroying to the body mind and soul

Dee74

I don't understand what it means, so I'm not sure whether to be offended or not, Bub lol

D

Bubovski

I see 'witch' and 'bitch' as simply indicating vices...............could be wrong???
Heard it sometimes at AA meetings~~~~~~~~~~~~