"Guilty" feeling...?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2014
Posts: 64
"Guilty" feeling...?
I put "guilty" in quotes because I am not really sure if its guilt I am feeling or something else...ideas include personal pressure, external pressure, the idea of failure, and the idea of success, to name a few...
FYI, I know that some will read this post and say "well if you don't know if you want to give up drinking forever, then you don't really want to get sober," so please, save that and don't judge. Truth is I am not sure, even though I have decided to go 8 days sober, but that's not what I am asking for. What I am asking for advice/input on is perhaps helping me to sort out this feeling into its parts and what it actually is that I am feeling/experiencing (i.e. "mad" is made up so many emotions, we just put the word "mad" on it to all-encompass and make it easier).
I'm feeling "guilty" about wanting to go out with a friend, watch hockey, and have a drink. In relation to the above-mentioned emotions...I think I am feeling personal pressure, the idea of success, and the idea of failure all at once. I am putting pressure on myself from both sides. From the one side, I am a perfectionist and I always want to do things right and perfect and failure is a big fear of mine. Everything from schoolwork, fitness, etc. I am also very much a creature of habit/routine. I told myself that my goal was to go 3 months, but making it to day 8 has been interesting in and of itself (not entirely sure if its been because of an alcohol craving, which I don't feel that I have had, but primarily the anxiety and change of habit/scenery). Since I am pondering going out now, my brain is saying "well, you said you were going to go 3 months, so if you go out and drink, you lose." On the flip side, each day I have decided to stay in or abstain, I have felt a very strong feeling of success the next day, even though the anxiety and loneliness have permeated the nights. What I WANT to feel is success after going out and being OK, but that's the inevitable question...
I think the external pressure is totally self-imposed as well...I have told relatively few people about what has been going on and they've been all but supportive for the most part in whatever I choose. However, knowing that my dad is a recovering alcoholic and sober for 21 years, and my mom having had to deal with that along with a number of other issues amongst her children (including me), I feel like I would be a complete failure if I slipped back into an old habit. Hell, I already feel that way right now. Not knowing what they know, what they think they know, what I think they know, and what they don't know makes me crazy. I don't know what it is about family, but I always feel like if I let my family down, that's the absolute worst possible thing I could ever do in life (and I have already done it once, if not more than once). They are so in my head, especially my father (wow this sounds like I should be also posting in ACOA). Anyways, I know I can't do anything to please anyone else...that's been the story of my life and it hasn't brought me any happiness. However, to announce to them my successes and have them be proud of me for once, along with my being proud of myself, would be the ultimate win. I know I have to do whatever I want to do for me, but it is definitely very hard.
Anyways, any feedback, advice, or input would be greatly appreciated. I feel like I have sorted it all out, but I still don't know what to do. Maybe it is just anxiety taking over, maybe it's clear thinking coming thru again, maybe its just that I need to take another nap lol.
Thank you all in advance.
FYI, I know that some will read this post and say "well if you don't know if you want to give up drinking forever, then you don't really want to get sober," so please, save that and don't judge. Truth is I am not sure, even though I have decided to go 8 days sober, but that's not what I am asking for. What I am asking for advice/input on is perhaps helping me to sort out this feeling into its parts and what it actually is that I am feeling/experiencing (i.e. "mad" is made up so many emotions, we just put the word "mad" on it to all-encompass and make it easier).
I'm feeling "guilty" about wanting to go out with a friend, watch hockey, and have a drink. In relation to the above-mentioned emotions...I think I am feeling personal pressure, the idea of success, and the idea of failure all at once. I am putting pressure on myself from both sides. From the one side, I am a perfectionist and I always want to do things right and perfect and failure is a big fear of mine. Everything from schoolwork, fitness, etc. I am also very much a creature of habit/routine. I told myself that my goal was to go 3 months, but making it to day 8 has been interesting in and of itself (not entirely sure if its been because of an alcohol craving, which I don't feel that I have had, but primarily the anxiety and change of habit/scenery). Since I am pondering going out now, my brain is saying "well, you said you were going to go 3 months, so if you go out and drink, you lose." On the flip side, each day I have decided to stay in or abstain, I have felt a very strong feeling of success the next day, even though the anxiety and loneliness have permeated the nights. What I WANT to feel is success after going out and being OK, but that's the inevitable question...
I think the external pressure is totally self-imposed as well...I have told relatively few people about what has been going on and they've been all but supportive for the most part in whatever I choose. However, knowing that my dad is a recovering alcoholic and sober for 21 years, and my mom having had to deal with that along with a number of other issues amongst her children (including me), I feel like I would be a complete failure if I slipped back into an old habit. Hell, I already feel that way right now. Not knowing what they know, what they think they know, what I think they know, and what they don't know makes me crazy. I don't know what it is about family, but I always feel like if I let my family down, that's the absolute worst possible thing I could ever do in life (and I have already done it once, if not more than once). They are so in my head, especially my father (wow this sounds like I should be also posting in ACOA). Anyways, I know I can't do anything to please anyone else...that's been the story of my life and it hasn't brought me any happiness. However, to announce to them my successes and have them be proud of me for once, along with my being proud of myself, would be the ultimate win. I know I have to do whatever I want to do for me, but it is definitely very hard.
Anyways, any feedback, advice, or input would be greatly appreciated. I feel like I have sorted it all out, but I still don't know what to do. Maybe it is just anxiety taking over, maybe it's clear thinking coming thru again, maybe its just that I need to take another nap lol.
Thank you all in advance.
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Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
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It is hard to do what you want to do for yourself. I was a people-pleaser and I found it really hard to put myself first and not do what was expected or what others wanted. However, it was crucial to my recovery.
Early recovery is a time to be selfish and focus on you.
Early recovery is a time to be selfish and focus on you.
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,772
If your goal was to go three months sober, why not go for that and see how you feel about it in three months. Eight days isn't long enough for true sobriety. You're barely past withdrawal. Give yourself more time before you make any big decisions. Your wanting a drink could be long standing habit. Give yourself three months sober and develop some good habits to replace the bad ones.
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Portland, Oregon
Posts: 145
FlyGirlJ: What I am hearing is what was going on constantly in my head when I was drinking. When I stopped the constant anxiety about whether I should or not finally stopped. It sounds like you know you need to stop but need to connect that with doing it for you, and not worry about what others think. Just my two cents...
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Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Central America/Florida USA
Posts: 4,064
Originally Posted by least 
If your goal was to go three months sober, why not go for that and see how you feel about it in three months.
You aren't the first person who has gone a week sober and is entertaining thoughts of drinking, or telling yourself that you aren't an alcoholic. Happens frequently. I told myself the same thing.
For what it's worth, in some cases it's best to throw the baby out with the bathwater. Going out with your friends to watch hockey at a bar probably isn't something you can hold on to right now. I'd suggest laying low for a while and working on this thing. You'll see some real improvements in your life if you do. Good luck!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2014
Posts: 64
@ForestRunner, that is a very good point. For the most part, I do not connect anything with doing it for me, but rather for doing it for someone else. The only times in my life that I can think of that I have felt like I did something purely for me was 1. moving away from home to be with my ex-fiance because I felt like I needed to make an adult decision for myself (unfortunately that didn't work out, another +1 "I told you so" for my parents) and 2. deciding most recently to cease the idea of getting back with my ex-boyfriend, even though it hurt him, because I realized that the romantic feelings that I was having towards him were only surfacing and "there" due to using alcohol. 8 days sober I realized that it wasn't anything more than just friends.
Being an ingrained people-pleaser and feeling like you life your life for others, because others have desired to live vicariously through you, SUCKS.
Being an ingrained people-pleaser and feeling like you life your life for others, because others have desired to live vicariously through you, SUCKS.
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Portland, Oregon
Posts: 145
I am a people-pleaser too and am very sensitive to criticism. I made a mistake at work last week and a co-worker was very upset with me and used some strong language and I totally fell apart. But! I did not drink. Because that would have made me feel worse about myself. I don't know how to free myself from the fear that I am always letting people down, but I met with a counselor Monday who immediately picked up that personality trait of mine and started to help me reframe things into a more healthy outlook. Best of luck to you 
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