BrendonM

I know I have been vowing not to drink but tonight I went with some friends to the bar just out of a feeling of social obligation ( I am a bit private about my alcoholism so I never told them) and drank a beer that was specifically given to me by a friend who felt he owed me one (social stuff). I didn't bring up my alcoholism because I am still feeling insecure bringing it up to my coworkers, but after I had it I politely left and went home, not drinking anything.

This was one of the hardest experiences I have had because even though I know I can never drink healthily, drinking a single beer around friends was the most healthy feeling experience of alcohol I have ever had - but I know I can't do this regularly. I didn't go buy more, andI know that something as basic as having a beer with friends is beyond me. Part of me is happy because for in the longest time I can imagine, I had what I would call a healthy drinking experience (I drank only in a social context and I didn't go overboard), but at the same time I have come to terms with the fact that I am someone who can never really be at balance with alcohol.

Has anyone else ever been in this position? How do you drink socially without seeming like a dweeb or an alcoholic?

I feel part guilty, but a delusional part of me wants to be believe that a healthy, social drinking life can be part of my lifestyle, and I know that I can't do that. Has anyone else had to try and reconcile these two feelings?

doggonecarl

No, you had a lucky drinking experience. And it seems you are ready to cling to it as evidence that you don't have a problem.

Be careful.

least

I don't. I don't drink period.


I think you are undecided as to whether you really have a problem. I hope it doesn't bite you in the butt before you realize it.


Besides, normal social drinking isn't out of peer pressure.

Marci23

I've convinced myself that after a period of abstaining that I could drink socially in a normal way. It starts out fine, and then escalates. Eventually I'm back to where I was before. I'm closeted about my alcoholism too. Right now I've told everyone I'm on a "detox diet," (no sugar, coffee, booze, etc.) but that can't last forever. I figure it will be impossible for me to remain sober for any extended period of time if I do not eventually inform people of my situation. I'm still coming to grips with that. You are in the same boat. You have my empathy. Good luck.

ScottFromWI

I think every alcoholic has tried to reconcile those 2 feelings. Basically you are questioning whether you are really an alcoholic or not, it's the age old conundrum of addiction.

The reality however, is that you cannot be both. You have to make the decision.

Dee74

Peer pressure kept me drinking for a long time, Brendon.
I hung around drinkers.

When I quit, I accepted I needed new peers.

looks like you might too?

D

Anna

I don't drink socially either because I'm an alcoholic. It really sounds like you don't accept that you're an alcoholic at this point. Alcoholics can't drink moderately or socially. And, honestly, peer pressure is for high-school and it shouldn't dictate your life. Saying 'No, thanks' should work just fine.

If you want to stop drinking for good, we're here to support you.

BrendonM

I know, I understand that what happened tonight will never be a part of my life (at least a healthy part). Its just hard to be tempted by the idea you might be normal. I am just having a hard time coming to terms with the fact that that these experiences can't be a part of my life. For an hour I felt healthy and now I have to go back to reality . I just feel so inadequate for not being able to do what my friends do without a second thought

Tamerua

I beat myself up for years that I couldn't control myself and drink normally. I had to come to the realization that I am not wired that way. Doesn't matter why, I just can't have one and stop. Once I accepted that, recovery was pretty simple. I hope you get to the realization you need.

BrendonM

Ya, but when you experience an hour or so of feeling normal it can be hard to let go of. I still feel that delusional pull to act like I'm not an alcoholic. I know its not true but the feeling is really tempting.

Dee74

I wasted maybe 10 years doing that dance Brendon.
Every 'good' night I had I clung to, over the hundreds of bad nights.

My life was sodden with booze.
In the end, if I wanted to stay sober, I had to change that life.

D

gleefan

Hi Brendon
I had "one drink" socially on Saturday, only my story had a different ending than yours. I blacked out, passed out and came to in a pile of vomit. I wish drinking could be a part of a healthy lifestyle for me, but I never know where that first drink will lead. For every one time I stop after the first drink, there are ten times I keep in going. Do you want to keep testing it?

FeelingGreat

Hi BrendonM, I could have that healthy experience myself, but like you I know it would start a process of gradual escalation and eventually I'd be back where I started. I've come to accept that as part of my genetic or psychological make-up, annoying but there it is.
It sounds like you need a cover story which you can tell your mates up front so they'll know not to buy you alcohol.
I went with 'I'm having a year off drinking'. Why? 'I felt it was getting too much of a habit.'
When the year was up, which most people didn't notice anyway, I said I 'enjoyed not drinking so much I thought I'd keep going'.
I don't know what your mates are like, but if they're just normal drinkers and good friends you shouldn't get much flak. If they're not like that you might have to pull back.

Sorensen

Brendon, I can relate to you 100 %. I was in Sweden over the Christmas break for the World Juniors with my Dad and brother. I drank normally with them for two weeks and the alcoholic never came out. Once I got back home to my regular routine and out of town work regime, I began to drink large quantities of beer after work in my hotel room.

For a while after my trip, I had a seed planted in my head that I was normal and I could indeed continue to drink like everyone else.

BrendonM

This sounds great, I'm not necessarily ashamed if it, but because I am in university and am friends with a bunch of macho, drinking dudes, it is hard to say you aren't drinking without being made fun of for it. Thankfully they are all health buffs so maybe I can spin it in a way that makes it seem like a health and physique-related thing.

Thanks for being so helpful, sometimes it can be hard to turn down a beer on a social occasion.

BrendonM

I do, but every time I get even an inkling I might be normal my delusional self-conscious overrides my better judgement. I really wish I could be normal, but even though my rational side knows that is not the case, there will always be an emotional part of me that buys into the lie that I can drink normally. It is really hard to accept something that means you can never be part of a social norm that completely surrounds you.

Thanks everyone for your support, sometimes it feels harsh but I know you mean only the best for me

myheartaches

This is exactly what I've been doing to myself for years, and I remember when I was young thinking, "I'll grow up and stop drinking one of these days.."Finally, I'm there, but it took for alcohol to turn me out of the fun person I used to be when I drank to only predictably fun when I don't go overboard and become a person who is totally irrational, embarrassing and hurtful to those she loves.

I need this group to help remind me to stay away, and to keep saying no.

Open arms this way!

Nomad463

I have gone back to drinking many times. It often starts with just a couple then I can go a few weeks before drinking again. Then I think, well I got away with that so I must be able to drink occasionally. Then it all goes to **** and I end up in the same position needing to quit again. VERY PAINFUL. Staying away from people who drink is all apart of step one. If you think you can be around people who use or drink then you haven't fully accepted that you are powerless..

myheartaches

Hey Brendon,

I feel yah. I just decided to quit five days ago, but it's been so long since I've desired this day to come over the days when I desired to go out and live in that lifestyle, the so-called "norm".

I don't know how long it has been for you, but I am 35 years old, and began drinking when I was a teenager. Twenty years of my young adulthood have surpassed me and I've wondered, "where did it all go?" and "what have I truly accomplished?"

Seems I've compromised other aspirations in my life for drinking alcohol? What?? Waking up a waste case every day, reeking of booze, destroying my brain, spending all my money, making my hair turn grey and my beautiful face sag? Saying to myself, "why can't I just have what I want in this life?" Well, the reason is because I was too chicken to face the music and get myself healthy. Lately just before I decided to quit I would go to the old bar and see the same progressively aging faces of people I know doing exactly the same things they did years ago, except now, getting fatter, grayer, balder, louder, more obnoxious, and less interesting. In all honesty, I loathe the idea of that being me, because I believe that I have so much more to do with my life.

How do you truly feel about it?

All the best,

M

malcolmsloan

I had one beer after a year and a half of sobriety. Literally, one beer at a Christmas party. I thought I was "cured," and for a while I was actually okay. But after a few months, I was right back to where I was, actually worse. It took me 7 years to get sober again. Just throwing my experience out there for something to think about.
-Malcolm