Unable to connect w/my 18yr old daughter...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Maryland
Posts: 321
Unable to connect w/my 18yr old daughter...
So today is day 9 with no alcohol! Very happy with that but did find myself thinking about a glass or two yesterday and chose a pint of Ben and Jerry's instead.
Anyway, the past nine days, I've been hyper aware of my behavior towards my daughter. It's been pretty calm around the house but last night....it was more of the same old drama. But I have to say, not on my part. A simple question, and she attacked. Now it was nothing like before, no screaming (on my part) but much of the same reaction from her. I feel like I've lost all control and she doesn't respect anything in the house, or me.
I know damage has been done due to my quick temper while racking up all those "PWI's" (parenting while intoxicated) over the years but maybe I didn't recognize this rut we were in until now, that my mind is a bit clearer. I was able to keep my voice down, and try to communicate with her. But all I got back was phrases like "You're psycho, You're annoying, I hate living here, I can't wait to go to college to get away from you, You just like to fight and I hate you for it, I'm 18, leave me alone". Pretty much the same response, but this time....I really wasn't! I wasn't fighting, just asked a simple question that she didn't feel like answering or talking about at that moment. I remained calm and tried to reach out, but nothing but anger and her dislike of me came out. It did end with me saying if you don't like it here, you are 18 and are free to move out anytime. Then to bed I went. Of course, this altercation didn't seem to bother her once it was done. But even without the alcohol in my system, I was saddened by the whole thing. It brought all guilt and worthlessness I felt while drinking right back, though I wasn't drinking or hungover (this I have never felt....soberly felt I should say. If I ever bring up absolutely anything that is not what she wants to talk about, there's no talking, just attitude, disrespect, and her shutting down completely. I realize sometimes you have to find a "good" time to talk about things, but if I wait for that, we may not talk for years at this point. Am I expecting too much?
I'm worried it's too late? Or maybe it's too early to expect the habits of our relationship over the last few years to suddenly change and we'll magically get along now that I'm not drinking? She's not a bad kid at all, when it comes to life. Good grades, athletic, healthy, respectful to pretty much everyone else but me and her father (though the subject of her father would be a reason for a whole new thread, we have not been together since she was 2). Thought about counseling for us, but I have a feeling she'll just come back and say it's all me, not her....and only I need the counseling (which is probably true to a certain extent, but I already have an appointment for me next week).
She doesn't know (I haven't told her) I quit drinking. She did notice a change in my attitude for the better during the week, but that's about it. I thought about telling her but I almost feel like I don't want her to have any more "ammunition" to throw my way to try to hurt me during this fragile time.
I'm so sorry for the long and whining post, but had to get it off my chest. Any suggestions would be much appreciated.
Glad you guys are here...
Anyway, the past nine days, I've been hyper aware of my behavior towards my daughter. It's been pretty calm around the house but last night....it was more of the same old drama. But I have to say, not on my part. A simple question, and she attacked. Now it was nothing like before, no screaming (on my part) but much of the same reaction from her. I feel like I've lost all control and she doesn't respect anything in the house, or me.
I know damage has been done due to my quick temper while racking up all those "PWI's" (parenting while intoxicated) over the years but maybe I didn't recognize this rut we were in until now, that my mind is a bit clearer. I was able to keep my voice down, and try to communicate with her. But all I got back was phrases like "You're psycho, You're annoying, I hate living here, I can't wait to go to college to get away from you, You just like to fight and I hate you for it, I'm 18, leave me alone". Pretty much the same response, but this time....I really wasn't! I wasn't fighting, just asked a simple question that she didn't feel like answering or talking about at that moment. I remained calm and tried to reach out, but nothing but anger and her dislike of me came out. It did end with me saying if you don't like it here, you are 18 and are free to move out anytime. Then to bed I went. Of course, this altercation didn't seem to bother her once it was done. But even without the alcohol in my system, I was saddened by the whole thing. It brought all guilt and worthlessness I felt while drinking right back, though I wasn't drinking or hungover (this I have never felt....soberly felt I should say. If I ever bring up absolutely anything that is not what she wants to talk about, there's no talking, just attitude, disrespect, and her shutting down completely. I realize sometimes you have to find a "good" time to talk about things, but if I wait for that, we may not talk for years at this point. Am I expecting too much?
I'm worried it's too late? Or maybe it's too early to expect the habits of our relationship over the last few years to suddenly change and we'll magically get along now that I'm not drinking? She's not a bad kid at all, when it comes to life. Good grades, athletic, healthy, respectful to pretty much everyone else but me and her father (though the subject of her father would be a reason for a whole new thread, we have not been together since she was 2). Thought about counseling for us, but I have a feeling she'll just come back and say it's all me, not her....and only I need the counseling (which is probably true to a certain extent, but I already have an appointment for me next week).
She doesn't know (I haven't told her) I quit drinking. She did notice a change in my attitude for the better during the week, but that's about it. I thought about telling her but I almost feel like I don't want her to have any more "ammunition" to throw my way to try to hurt me during this fragile time.
I'm so sorry for the long and whining post, but had to get it off my chest. Any suggestions would be much appreciated.
Glad you guys are here...
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,414
I grew up in an alcoholic household.
My mother drank, and would always be ready for a fight when she was.
I think you should be compassionate with yourself and with her, as you are trying to do.
Reactions, habits, and defensiveness don't change right away.
I don't think I would talk too much about the not drinking yet. Get more sober time first,
and work on responding to the triggers as calmly as possible.
I'm not saying be a doormat, but don't show anger back and over time things will hopefully get better.
I won't lie to you--the dynamic of an alcoholic parent generates a great deal of anger and resentment for many COAs,
but you have stopped drinking and are trying to create a better relationship with your daughter.
My mother never stopped except briefly after an intervention and in-patient stay.
I was just beginning to trust her a little when she relapsed and tore into me just like always,
so most kids are pretty cautious if they have spent years dealing with anger and alcohol for this very reason.
It can get better and I wish that for both of you. Are you doing any therapy for yourself? It can really help.
My mother drank, and would always be ready for a fight when she was.
I think you should be compassionate with yourself and with her, as you are trying to do.
Reactions, habits, and defensiveness don't change right away.
I don't think I would talk too much about the not drinking yet. Get more sober time first,
and work on responding to the triggers as calmly as possible.
I'm not saying be a doormat, but don't show anger back and over time things will hopefully get better.
I won't lie to you--the dynamic of an alcoholic parent generates a great deal of anger and resentment for many COAs,
but you have stopped drinking and are trying to create a better relationship with your daughter.
My mother never stopped except briefly after an intervention and in-patient stay.
I was just beginning to trust her a little when she relapsed and tore into me just like always,
so most kids are pretty cautious if they have spent years dealing with anger and alcohol for this very reason.
It can get better and I wish that for both of you. Are you doing any therapy for yourself? It can really help.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Maryland
Posts: 321
Thanks Hawkeye13 for the honest reply and good advice. I start therapy next week. I guess I knew deep in my heart that I was expecting too much too soon but I guess I wasn't expecting all the anger or the fight because I wasn't in that mode. I guess she still is and I think you're right. The more I show her that I'm not gonna go there, maybe she'll back off a bit and give it a chance. Years of this behavior between us is hard to forget, unless you were the one doing it in a fog the whole time. It's pretty up close and personal for her since she wasn't the one buzzed the whole time.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: perth Western Australia
Posts: 132
our children see everything.... We are always being watched.
it took my son some time to see I really wasn't drinking any more... and that I would be consistent, respectful and the rest..... Who the heck wants an alcoholic mother... what a disaster for them.
Time and action moves them along. I was ready to grovel and make good within 2 weeks... he needed months and months til he was ready to let go of his anger, betrayal and fear
hang in mom! it does get better
it took my son some time to see I really wasn't drinking any more... and that I would be consistent, respectful and the rest..... Who the heck wants an alcoholic mother... what a disaster for them.
Time and action moves them along. I was ready to grovel and make good within 2 weeks... he needed months and months til he was ready to let go of his anger, betrayal and fear
hang in mom! it does get better
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,759
You can't expect the damage done to be repaired in nine days. Nine days sober is a great beginning but there's more work to do on yourself and your relationship with your daughter. Give it time. 
Hears The Voice
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Unshackled
Posts: 7,901
Parenting teenagers is difficult even under the best circumstances. When I was 18 my father was an idiot. By the time I turned 25 I couldn't believe how much he had learned.*
It's a tough time, but you'll miss it soon enough. Try to just relax and enjoy it.
* Paraphrasing Mark Twain
It's a tough time, but you'll miss it soon enough. Try to just relax and enjoy it.
* Paraphrasing Mark Twain
xxxx
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Maryland
Posts: 321
Thanks all! I sorta knew I was expecting a bit too much after I walked away last night and woke up thinking about it this morning. She just left for school. As soon as she woke up, walked past my office and said "Morning" and all seemed okay. I'll let it be for now, and give her the time she needs to hopefully realize that I'm trying. I was hoping just a little too soon for a breakthrough and now see that she will take time to trust that I won't attack at the smallest things.
Lots of work to do all around for me and patience has never been one of my best virtues but I will do my best to keep my anger in check and allow her to see that we can change this pattern of the last few years.
Thanks again!
Lots of work to do all around for me and patience has never been one of my best virtues but I will do my best to keep my anger in check and allow her to see that we can change this pattern of the last few years.
Thanks again!
Member
Join Date: May 2013
Location: Johannesburg
Posts: 203
My daughter is 15, I have been sober almost a year. For the most part, we have a good relationship now. I'd say it took at least 4 - 6 months before I saw a real change from the destructive routine we had developed over the past few years.
When drinking I was impatient and had unrealistically high expectations of her. I think the biggest problem was inconsistency, though. I felt guilty and hungover just about all the time so I allowed her to do things I wasn't happy about, but was trying to "make it up to her" and frankly, it was just easier not to get into a fight.
Now, I am very clear about boundaries and I stick to them. I don't make rules or have expectations unless I really feel they are important (I usually think, will I still feel so strongly about this a years' time? If not, maybe I should compromise).
In December she went to visit my aunt for her school holidays. I got a call to say that she told her that I am the person she is closest to, and she trusts me enough that she can tell me anything that's on her mind, so we have gone a long way to building the type of relationship I want to have with her.
In addition, I bite my tongue alot, apologise quickly when it's appropriate, and tell her that navigating life is new to me too and I may not always get it right, but I won't stop trying and I do everything with her best interest at heart.
I have never had much closeness with my mother, so it's been a wonderful experience for me.
All the best to you both
When drinking I was impatient and had unrealistically high expectations of her. I think the biggest problem was inconsistency, though. I felt guilty and hungover just about all the time so I allowed her to do things I wasn't happy about, but was trying to "make it up to her" and frankly, it was just easier not to get into a fight.
Now, I am very clear about boundaries and I stick to them. I don't make rules or have expectations unless I really feel they are important (I usually think, will I still feel so strongly about this a years' time? If not, maybe I should compromise).
In December she went to visit my aunt for her school holidays. I got a call to say that she told her that I am the person she is closest to, and she trusts me enough that she can tell me anything that's on her mind, so we have gone a long way to building the type of relationship I want to have with her.
In addition, I bite my tongue alot, apologise quickly when it's appropriate, and tell her that navigating life is new to me too and I may not always get it right, but I won't stop trying and I do everything with her best interest at heart.
I have never had much closeness with my mother, so it's been a wonderful experience for me.
All the best to you both
Thriving sober since 12/18/08
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Orlando, FL
Posts: 3,115
Have you apologized to her for the "PWIs"?
My parents were both alcoholics when I was younger. They quit drinking when I was like 19, so around the same age as your daughter. Though time has healed a lot, and them living sober is wonderful, they have never acknowledged the hell I went through because of their drinking (they weren't abusive or anything, but still.. it was horrible, they were mentally absent and inappropriately reactive my whole childhood). It wouldn't fix everything, wouldn't have then either, but it would mean a lot to me if they were to ever say "hey, I'm sorry about that.. I drank too much for too long and missed a lot, and I'm truly sorry".
Even now at almost 40, and having gone through my own alcoholism issues, I feel angry at them. Lots of therapy has helped me think about it more clearly, and of course having my own issues with drinking has shown me first hand what they experienced, but still. They really f'd up, and I don't know if I'll ever not be angry.
My parents were both alcoholics when I was younger. They quit drinking when I was like 19, so around the same age as your daughter. Though time has healed a lot, and them living sober is wonderful, they have never acknowledged the hell I went through because of their drinking (they weren't abusive or anything, but still.. it was horrible, they were mentally absent and inappropriately reactive my whole childhood). It wouldn't fix everything, wouldn't have then either, but it would mean a lot to me if they were to ever say "hey, I'm sorry about that.. I drank too much for too long and missed a lot, and I'm truly sorry".
Even now at almost 40, and having gone through my own alcoholism issues, I feel angry at them. Lots of therapy has helped me think about it more clearly, and of course having my own issues with drinking has shown me first hand what they experienced, but still. They really f'd up, and I don't know if I'll ever not be angry.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: South East England
Posts: 8,009
My daughter is 18...she and I have a very loving close relationship now.
I wasn't a very good Mum..I was probably like how Flutter has described hers..distant and inappropriately reactive. I had no real understanding of how I should parent and didn't have the energy as I had depression for years. I did all the regular things a Mum should do..cuddles, read stories at bedtime, took her to swimming and gym lessons, helped her with homework..but I felt as though I was play acting. For many years she wasn't the priority in my life as she should have been, and it will always be my biggest regret.
She has never appeared to be angry, but I worry about the long term effects on her. She has been through the usual teenage stuff...and when I got sober I realised that my boundaries were all over the place, I was too laid back in some ways but overly protective in others. I had to do a bit of a crash course in how to parent effectively.
It has taken a lot of time and patience..and she and I have regular times together without anyone else involved to go shopping, out for a meal, or just to watch a DVD. She has talked a lot and I have listened. I have explained my alcoholism to her and made an amends. She is an intelligent caring girl and sometimes my heart aches for all those lost years.
Things are good now. I'm able to nag her about her studies or keeping her room tidy without her having a complete meltdown..and I call that progress. Mostly she has learned to trust me again, not by my words, but my actions..I haven't drunk again. That's the biggest proof she needs of my commitment I reckon.
I wasn't a very good Mum..I was probably like how Flutter has described hers..distant and inappropriately reactive. I had no real understanding of how I should parent and didn't have the energy as I had depression for years. I did all the regular things a Mum should do..cuddles, read stories at bedtime, took her to swimming and gym lessons, helped her with homework..but I felt as though I was play acting. For many years she wasn't the priority in my life as she should have been, and it will always be my biggest regret.
She has never appeared to be angry, but I worry about the long term effects on her. She has been through the usual teenage stuff...and when I got sober I realised that my boundaries were all over the place, I was too laid back in some ways but overly protective in others. I had to do a bit of a crash course in how to parent effectively.
It has taken a lot of time and patience..and she and I have regular times together without anyone else involved to go shopping, out for a meal, or just to watch a DVD. She has talked a lot and I have listened. I have explained my alcoholism to her and made an amends. She is an intelligent caring girl and sometimes my heart aches for all those lost years.
Things are good now. I'm able to nag her about her studies or keeping her room tidy without her having a complete meltdown..and I call that progress. Mostly she has learned to trust me again, not by my words, but my actions..I haven't drunk again. That's the biggest proof she needs of my commitment I reckon.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Maryland
Posts: 321
Originally Posted by seahorse661 
...when drinking I was impatient and had unrealistically high expectations of her. I think the biggest problem was inconsistency, though. I felt guilty and hungover just about all the time so I allowed her to do things I wasn't happy about, but was trying to "make it up to her" and frankly, it was just easier not to get into a fight...
Originally Posted by flutter
...they were mentally absent and inappropriately reactive my whole childhood....
Originally Posted by Jeni26
...I did all the regular things a Mum should do..cuddles, read stories at bedtime, took her to swimming and gym lessons, helped her with homework..but I felt as though I was play acting. For many years she wasn't the priority in my life as she should have been, and it will always be my biggest regret....
And no flutter, haven't apologized yet since I haven't told her I quit drinking but after a little more sober time, I plan to tell her everything. Your post really got to me and I really appreciated seeing your thoughts.
Thanks to all of you, for many things, but mostly for making me feel as if I'm not alone in this.
Mini Novel Post Writer
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Maine
Posts: 3,649
InTheEnd, you're doing a great thing getting sober! It takes some time for those closest to us to believe that things are really going to change. I got mad at my husband after I was 30 days sober when he didn't get all excited about it. Then he hit me with the hammer. I never realized the path of destruction that I left and the pain that I caused him until then when he told me. That's because I never allowed myself to truly see it because then I couldn't safeguard my drinking. My adult daughter was also the same way.
It takes time. You said she doesn't even know that you quit so in her mind she probably just sees this as a lull in the action.
Go into the talk that you have with her with no expectations. I found out pretty quickly that just because I told those I had hurt that I had quit it didn't mean that they were going to show immediate joy and happiness. That will all develop through your actions.
I now have the closest bond with my daughter that I've ever had. She was tentative about it for a while though. Allow her to deal with this in whatever way she needs to, it will all get better. Again, time and action are big factors.
It takes time. You said she doesn't even know that you quit so in her mind she probably just sees this as a lull in the action.
Go into the talk that you have with her with no expectations. I found out pretty quickly that just because I told those I had hurt that I had quit it didn't mean that they were going to show immediate joy and happiness. That will all develop through your actions.
I now have the closest bond with my daughter that I've ever had. She was tentative about it for a while though. Allow her to deal with this in whatever way she needs to, it will all get better. Again, time and action are big factors.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
