new, tired, scared, unsure
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: South Shore, MA
Posts: 348
new, tired, scared, unsure
Though I am not surprised to find myself at this point in my life, i still wonder how I got here....probably only because in actuality I do know. Age 12 ********* on Bud Lights and peeing down my friends basement stairs. I instantly became part of the club of inside jokes, of laughter, belonging an being the crazy little kid. High school had some bad moments, but probably scraped the higher end of normal, but college came and POW! Freedom and booze, boy oh boy!!! Studying and performing as a scholarship athlete were sidebars to partying, and I was LEGEnDArY!!! Truly! Chugging champion, highest girl in keg draft, I was an animal and I loved every second of it, plus I loved my rep! I gloss over the incessant puking, missing classes, playing and practicing hungover, the ulcer, need I go on?????
Fast forward.....beam through years of drinking while hiding down a demanding job in a major city, marrying a great guy and having three amazing kids....drinking, drinking and drinking.
I am still the life of the party! My buddies are now down at the field with red cups, red cup in hand for me! But when everyone goes home to cook dinner or have a nice afternoon, I continue on my own........head to a party, juice up first, dinner with girlfriends, glass of wine or two first and keep going after.....pattern forming.
Fast forward to a few years of highly highly stressful events. I am always making plans, when can I drink, do I have enough time in morning to recover...or I guess I will have no choice to recover, do I have to pick anyone up, to this is the longest 15 minutes of my life without a glass of wine to I will just take it with me.
Drinking with only heaviest drinking friends because I can't be that bad, there's always enough booze and I can walk home.
Here I am 30 years into a stellar drinking career. Boy could I fill pages with horrifying stories, but it's unoriginal and boring and quite honestly sad. My drinking now is alone, it's isolating and suffocating. I just want to sit and drink my wine in peace, I limit myself to a bottle and a half of red because I know two bottles makes me fall. Of course I don't eat first, what a waste to have the wine have to pass through any food! By the time I reach my second half or three quarters, if an inch is left, I am still good.....but I am hungry and I eat!!!! Gross and late. This time I am usually in memory loss, so when I wake up up all dry and smelly, I really need to watch what I say bc I don't remember talking to my husband or texting my friends to make plans. I walk downstairs and check the bottle to see how bad I am going to feel and check the plate in the sink to see what I ate. The kids getting ready is mental and physical torture and I continue to hate
Myself until I get that first craving in the afternoon, hmm I only have to wait how long????? Ready, set, go. Consumed, utterly consumed. Ignoring my husbands pleas, not caring about his disappointment, not hearing my kids declaring that they will never ever drink..where on the ride did I drop myself off? We had a major family health crisis and for the six months, I was dripping in booze to cope, now that things are improving, I am finding every excuse to drip in it, roll in it! I felt horrible, emotionally and physically, the woman in the mirror was
Not me. My face is splotchy, I am bloated, my asthma is raging, my liver aches, I smell and wear crappy clothes......I was vibrant once, full of life and potential. I had promised my husband over and over that I would slow down, started hiding bottles, totally going for it when he travelled. The health crisis itself didn't set the bulb off, I was in the hospital with a loved one wondering if I had enough time to get ********* when I got home, it wasn't enough. It was when there was healing around me, improvement and forward motion and I was stuck, I was
Missing this train, and if I did, it would be gone and on it a
Wonderful man and three gorgeous loving deserving children. That was nine days ago. I don't know how to face life, I don't know how to deal with people yet. I have moved beyond sweating, headaches, nausea, involuntary jerking and a variety of other fun symptoms to crushing exhaustion, chronic ache in my side and no energy, I am scared and I doubt my ability to fight this. But I am still on the train and I don't want to get off, this is my first ever, ever chronicle of me.
Fast forward.....beam through years of drinking while hiding down a demanding job in a major city, marrying a great guy and having three amazing kids....drinking, drinking and drinking.
I am still the life of the party! My buddies are now down at the field with red cups, red cup in hand for me! But when everyone goes home to cook dinner or have a nice afternoon, I continue on my own........head to a party, juice up first, dinner with girlfriends, glass of wine or two first and keep going after.....pattern forming.
Fast forward to a few years of highly highly stressful events. I am always making plans, when can I drink, do I have enough time in morning to recover...or I guess I will have no choice to recover, do I have to pick anyone up, to this is the longest 15 minutes of my life without a glass of wine to I will just take it with me.
Drinking with only heaviest drinking friends because I can't be that bad, there's always enough booze and I can walk home.
Here I am 30 years into a stellar drinking career. Boy could I fill pages with horrifying stories, but it's unoriginal and boring and quite honestly sad. My drinking now is alone, it's isolating and suffocating. I just want to sit and drink my wine in peace, I limit myself to a bottle and a half of red because I know two bottles makes me fall. Of course I don't eat first, what a waste to have the wine have to pass through any food! By the time I reach my second half or three quarters, if an inch is left, I am still good.....but I am hungry and I eat!!!! Gross and late. This time I am usually in memory loss, so when I wake up up all dry and smelly, I really need to watch what I say bc I don't remember talking to my husband or texting my friends to make plans. I walk downstairs and check the bottle to see how bad I am going to feel and check the plate in the sink to see what I ate. The kids getting ready is mental and physical torture and I continue to hate
Myself until I get that first craving in the afternoon, hmm I only have to wait how long????? Ready, set, go. Consumed, utterly consumed. Ignoring my husbands pleas, not caring about his disappointment, not hearing my kids declaring that they will never ever drink..where on the ride did I drop myself off? We had a major family health crisis and for the six months, I was dripping in booze to cope, now that things are improving, I am finding every excuse to drip in it, roll in it! I felt horrible, emotionally and physically, the woman in the mirror was
Not me. My face is splotchy, I am bloated, my asthma is raging, my liver aches, I smell and wear crappy clothes......I was vibrant once, full of life and potential. I had promised my husband over and over that I would slow down, started hiding bottles, totally going for it when he travelled. The health crisis itself didn't set the bulb off, I was in the hospital with a loved one wondering if I had enough time to get ********* when I got home, it wasn't enough. It was when there was healing around me, improvement and forward motion and I was stuck, I was
Missing this train, and if I did, it would be gone and on it a
Wonderful man and three gorgeous loving deserving children. That was nine days ago. I don't know how to face life, I don't know how to deal with people yet. I have moved beyond sweating, headaches, nausea, involuntary jerking and a variety of other fun symptoms to crushing exhaustion, chronic ache in my side and no energy, I am scared and I doubt my ability to fight this. But I am still on the train and I don't want to get off, this is my first ever, ever chronicle of me.
Its a cold and its a broken hallelujah.
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 2,887
Welcome EJ. My goodness, our stories are so similar. Heres mine. Perhaps it will offer you some comfort.
You can do this. We will help.
XO. AO
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...night-lot.html
You can do this. We will help.
XO. AO
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...night-lot.html
It sounds like you're ready to stop drinking. I hope the support you find here can help you in that goal. 
Canine Welfare Advocate
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Norfolk, VA
Posts: 10,962
Nine days sober? Awesome!!!!!!!!!!
It's tough going alone, isn't it. Sober Recovery will help. You aren't alone. But if you struggle to remain sober, think about some form of face-to-face support. Do whatever it takes. Don't let fear (which in recovery is your addiction) talk you out of doing anything that will support your sobriety.
It's tough going alone, isn't it. Sober Recovery will help. You aren't alone. But if you struggle to remain sober, think about some form of face-to-face support. Do whatever it takes. Don't let fear (which in recovery is your addiction) talk you out of doing anything that will support your sobriety.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: C.C. Ma.
Posts: 3,697
Congratulations on gaining on some insight. IF you want to get better for yourself and then your family I see signs of a need to remove alcohol from you life. I'd strongly suggest a HONEST visit with your doctor and perhaps a detox and a rehab followed by a plan for every day to not drink. I used AA of which there are many meetings in your area for the help we need. This is very serious sh!t and many people make their children motherless as a result. I was there also for too long and as a result tell it the way it is from a lot of experience with myself and watching others.
BE WELL
BE WELL
Member
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Nebraska
Posts: 233
EJ, good post. If you made it nine, you can make it ONE more day. Just one more. Good things follow and you don't have to worry about the future, just live here in the moment, 24 hours at a time. I am in sober for today, are you?
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: So Cal, US
Posts: 23
Hi ME, I mean EJ.
The only thing you forgot to mention is...Drinking isn't good, but its not that bad...afterall, I am doing ok at work and I still manage to get the kids off to school, right?
After 30+ years, I finally got sober for health reasons and am discovering how deep the lies run. My legendary rep as the life of the party was only complimentary in my own eyes. No one wanted to be me or be with the true me. They wanted me around as the novelty...look at her, she is crazy! Hahaha, the constant source of day after 'can you believe?!' conversations.
Not to mention the overwhelming sense of self hatred, shame, and helplessness that permeated my life, suffocating the joy right out of it.
My children are now young adults, my memories of their growing up are limited, their memories of me are as a drunk mother, unpredictable and undisciplined. I can't express how much that saddens me.
I am so glad that you are on your way to recovery. It can be easy and wonderful at times and it can be a seemingly overwhelming chore at others. Enjoy the sobriety and prepare yourself for the tough times. Focus on you, your triggers, the way to avoid them and how to respond when the do hit. Figure out a couple escape plans...ways to comfort yourself in a healthy way...movies, books, a moonlight walk, a hot shower and sleep...whatever it is.
I started my recovery with the thought "i am going to hate this bleeping bleep!" I am never going to enjoy life again, but my alternative is worse. I was wrong about that. I had been living my life spending 12 hours a day figuring out how soon I would be able to drink, what I would drink, and how much would I need to pass out. If i was out with friends, it was always how can I get more? Going to the restroom and swinging by the bar for a double shot when my hidden flask was empty, so they wouldn't know how much I drank. Now I spend my time being normal, not hiding, not planning my drink.
I feel free.
There is no cost for this freedom, but I paid heavily for the chains I was in! My work now is to continue working on understanding why I want those chains and to keep my eyes open to the reality of them. This I know...there is not one good thing alcohol gives me that I cannot get in a better, healthy way. And this I know...alcohol is a liar and if I give it a chance, it'll take everything joyful away from me.
I wish you understanding, strength, contentment, optimisim and joy.
The only thing you forgot to mention is...Drinking isn't good, but its not that bad...afterall, I am doing ok at work and I still manage to get the kids off to school, right?
After 30+ years, I finally got sober for health reasons and am discovering how deep the lies run. My legendary rep as the life of the party was only complimentary in my own eyes. No one wanted to be me or be with the true me. They wanted me around as the novelty...look at her, she is crazy! Hahaha, the constant source of day after 'can you believe?!' conversations.
Not to mention the overwhelming sense of self hatred, shame, and helplessness that permeated my life, suffocating the joy right out of it.
My children are now young adults, my memories of their growing up are limited, their memories of me are as a drunk mother, unpredictable and undisciplined. I can't express how much that saddens me.
I am so glad that you are on your way to recovery. It can be easy and wonderful at times and it can be a seemingly overwhelming chore at others. Enjoy the sobriety and prepare yourself for the tough times. Focus on you, your triggers, the way to avoid them and how to respond when the do hit. Figure out a couple escape plans...ways to comfort yourself in a healthy way...movies, books, a moonlight walk, a hot shower and sleep...whatever it is.
I started my recovery with the thought "i am going to hate this bleeping bleep!" I am never going to enjoy life again, but my alternative is worse. I was wrong about that. I had been living my life spending 12 hours a day figuring out how soon I would be able to drink, what I would drink, and how much would I need to pass out. If i was out with friends, it was always how can I get more? Going to the restroom and swinging by the bar for a double shot when my hidden flask was empty, so they wouldn't know how much I drank. Now I spend my time being normal, not hiding, not planning my drink.
I feel free.
There is no cost for this freedom, but I paid heavily for the chains I was in! My work now is to continue working on understanding why I want those chains and to keep my eyes open to the reality of them. This I know...there is not one good thing alcohol gives me that I cannot get in a better, healthy way. And this I know...alcohol is a liar and if I give it a chance, it'll take everything joyful away from me.
I wish you understanding, strength, contentment, optimisim and joy.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 1,534
Hi EJ. Welcome!
You and I have many similarities. I want you to know you can do this. I am 6 months alcohol-free today. It has not always been easy but it is so worth it. Don't get stuck on the "forever" thing. One day at a time is the thing you need to deal with right now and for the months to come.
EJ, please stick around SR and let us help you. I promise you can do this.
You and I have many similarities. I want you to know you can do this. I am 6 months alcohol-free today. It has not always been easy but it is so worth it. Don't get stuck on the "forever" thing. One day at a time is the thing you need to deal with right now and for the months to come.
EJ, please stick around SR and let us help you. I promise you can do this.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: South Shore, MA
Posts: 348
Wow! How to say thank you to someone who reaches out....so many thank yous already!!!! And another wow, Livingitup....holy mirror! Thank you all, it means more than you know. I am now fighting the daily hours and hours of internal Jekyll and Hyde dialogue....from peeking around a corner trying to face honesty to being pushed back by the voice saying your fine, you've never lost a job or had a DUI, but you deserved one says the other voice! Ugh! Exhausting! I am in trouble to relax, take a break cuz summer and vodka lemonade a are around the corner. The rational, sane side is finally taking the lead.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: So Cal, US
Posts: 23
EJ, the more you write, the more I see me. ((<3)) i ffound/find it helpful to come up with my own special non alcoholic drink, especially to combat my habitual need to continually have a glass in my hand. While it may sound disgusting, i used to make a licorice tea with oj...reminded me of pernod. I know have a soda stream and a store full of sugar free flavors to make a huge variety of interesting drinks. Strawberry & lemon make a nice combo for summer. Tell mr. Hyde to simmer down and focus on positives. Above all, hang in there...even if you feel like you are just suffering through it. It DOES pay off and in spades!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: England
Posts: 329
Welcome EJ. The only thing I want to add is that it does get easier. I found that once I got out of the routine of drinking, the habit of drinking then the cravings began to ease. I wish you all the bedtime.
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