LooseGrip

Why do I feel like I cant identify with myself without seeing myself through my x's eyes? I feel invisible and dead myself. (GOD that is soooo dramatic sounding! lol) Really, I'm disgusted with how deeply I feel this pain. I just don't know what to do now. In the past, I would drink in an attempt to boost myself up or re-invent myself and then drunk dial/text. I can go all day thinking about why we are not right for each other and why I am doing the right thing by moving forward with my sobriety....but then the part of me that actually fed off of his attention wants that adoring person back. If I ever get over this..(I know I will)...I may just forgo relationships all together. Boo on love!

12mancan

Sorry you're having to go through this, to be positive, it sounds like you already know that drinking isn't going to help and it won't ultimately won't 'boost' you up. Maybe focus on things that will boost you up, a long secluded run, the gym, a healthy meal, good book, whatever yours may be... just work on being the best 'you' you can be, the rest will take care of itself...

Dee74

Hi LG

I spent years as a chameleon - I'd reflect the last person who impressed me or the last book that got me thinking.

I looked for validation in other people. I had little or no sense of self worth.

If you haven;t read it, try and jag a copy of Melody Beatties Codependent No More. I was not expecting to see myself in there - but it was an eye opener

D

Notimetoloose

((Hugs)), I get it and stay strong it is a transition period. I find it is these hard and often reflective times in our lives that we have so much potential for personal growth.

KateL

Yeah, my problem was mil self-esteem. Once you begin to like yourself, you don'really need that craving for approval. I think romantic love is a bit over-rated personally xxxx

least

I hope with more sober time you'll come to accept yourself, warts and all, and love yourself.

Anna

Hi LG,

I can sure relate to your feelings. I loved 'Codependent No More' and found it so important to my recovery. I really didn't know that I was looking outside of myself for approval, when I needed to be looking within. Get to know and love yourself.

Randummy

As long as you're not boo-ing the self-love! I love the cheese (although I'm vegan so not really) and years ago I heard someone say, "No one will fully love you until you fully love yourself". I didn't pay any attention at the time because obviously we all need a while to have horrid relationships and go out with idiots. But then when I did get out of a gnarly relationship, I felt as though I'd somehow made a mistake, even though deep down I knew I hadn't. I just scared, really. And being scared isn't a reason to stay with someone. That's when I remembered that little saying. I don't think it's particularly insightful but it just made me think about how much of a doormat I'd been in previous relationships and how, if these people claimed they loved me, why they treated me that way. It was just a good reminder.

Anywho, making new habits is a tricky business and I reckon the key thing here is to carve out a new life for yourself. Whatever you're into, make time every day to do it. I like to knit and sew, so I have an hour every evening just for that and I practice yoga every morning to keep me sane. Find something that clicks with you and you enjoy and try to get lost in it for a while, it'll give you a break from the worrying.

Good luck!

LooseGrip

Always love the insight and advice I get here. I found this article just now and this paragraph stands out:

"When we fall in love with another person, we are essentially experiencing the love that was within us all along. The person is merely acting like a mirror reflecting our soul back at us. Technically, we can’t “fall” in love, because we are already made of love. The other person, much like a musical instrument, is the catalyst allowing us to recognize the beauty that’s already within us."

CAPTAINZING2000

It's taken me many years of being sober to find out who I am as an adult.
I no longer feel I have to have a companion to complete me.
Thank goodness for that.

Scott6433

Here is what I did to help me after my last breakup. Step 1: Drink more than you ever though possible. All day...all night. Step 2: Stop going to work Step 3: Stop showering 4: Stop eating 5: Become sooo obsessed that you decide to catfish your ex via a fake fb page for a local bar that you start. Step 6: While drinking yourself to a slow, painful ugly death watch your ex's life unfold in front of your very eyes. Watch them meet their special someone, look at their vacation photos, look at their engagement, wedding photos and finally the child the create. Listen to band of horses and drink some more hopefully sneaking in some hysterical crying into your regiment of vomiting and shaking.

Loosegrip it sounds like your light years ahead of where I was so please keep it up. You know as well as I do that time alone will heal that hole. Sobriety is only going to speed up the process. Promise

LooseGrip

Thanks for that Scott. Band of Horses? You know it does help to know that people are going thru the same thing. I found the rest of this article on break ups really helpful too so I am posting the rest below:

"Because of our lack of understanding that love resides within us, and that we actually have the power to invoke it on our own, we credit it to the other person for giving love to us. This feeling is so strong and extraordinary, that we become addictive and possessive. We want to capture it and keep it fixed, so that we can – at last – keep this heightened feeling forever.

The desire and dependency to keep this form fixed, becomes a source of self identification that artificially justifies who we are as physical beings. We become attached to the fixed idea of how our relationship should go and our ego quickly becomes the main investor in this fund of a relationship.

The truth is that, everyone and everything is in a constant flow of change. The changes in us and in our external circumstances are inevitable and undeniable. When we change, the dynamics of our relationships change – not just romantic ones, but also friendships, family ties, and our relationships with co-workers.

Over time, some relationships strengthen and some grow apart. When people grow apart, it doesn’t mean that either one of them was a bad person, but rather that they’ve learned all that they needed to from the other person, and that it’s time to move on.

When it’s time to move on, we hold onto this invisible box that contains an idealized and fixated form of how things should be. We unconsciously and instinctively fall into the false believe that we must stop the love when we are no longer romantically involved.

Because we attribute love as being ‘to’ this other person external to us, pain happens when we forcefully try to kill the love, which is actually within us.

Let’s repeat: Pain happens when we forcefully kill the love that’s within us.

When we forcefully try to kill the love within us, it physically feels as if someone has stabbed a knife into our heart, and a sharp pain surfaces in our chest area. In reality, we are that someone doing the stabbing, because we are trying to sever our innate connection to love and our Soul is now bleeding. Our Soul is crying for help, asking us to stop the stabbing, to stop the pain."

Scott6433

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cMFWFhTFohk

LooseGrip

Thanks Scott I can see how that song would appeal to you during your breakup. I shall use it in mine as well, without the alcohol.

Scott6433

I like that song for a few reasons. Your not only breaking up with your boyfriend. Alcohol was a relationship too. We have to morn the loss of any relationship and dealing with 2 at once is a big load. It's just part of the process. You can do this.