recoverinbeauty

HI EVERYONE..
I take it I cant post blogs or really do anything till I post a few times so I was thinking what really has been bothering me lately or what I cold write about and my daughter came up.im newly sober ..like a month tomorrow!! yay !! didn't even realize it has been a month! anywho..I have a 6 yrs.old and sad to say this is the first time in he life ive been sober.We have hadalot of difficulties the last 2 weeks and mostly cuz I am everywhere with my emotions and have been short tempered lately. she doesn't listen to me and is very combative and I just don't know how to deal with it.I almost wanted to say I give up and let my mom take over like she did the last 2 yrs I was in doc but have tried to stay strong and tough it out.I have been in and out of her life since she was 1.5 and on heroin most of her life..and locked up.i decided to get clean and now parenting is so hard to me I feel sometimes I cant take it.When I was high it wasn't this hard!! she has such a mouth on her and I try time outs ..I try talking to her about how she feels..ive even made her write 10 xs that she will not yell at mom.im at the end of my rope and am just tired that every word out of my mouth is "stop" and "don't"!!! it drives me nuts!! now iv been praying about it and we haven't fought in 3 days which is great but she just is so mean to me sometimes..i don't know I just needed to vent.I love her and know my getting clean wasn't going to make everything fall perfectly into place. is parenting this hard for anyone else??? I have yelled at her and would think that would scare her and it doesn't even make her flinch...shes one tough cookie!! im desperate to end this nightmare I just want peace between us

Dee74

Hi recoveringbeauty - welcome

I'm not a parent, so I have no direct experience to share.

I think tho it's going to take time and a little patience for you, and your daughter.

Your daughters probably not really used to you being her mom, and you're probably still feeling your way trying to bring up a daughter.

If your mom can help you both from time to time, I think that would be great for everyone.

I know you'll get a lot more experience advice and support from other folks here too

D

Amajorityofone

I have a 7 year old son.

My advice?

1. Be her Mother, not her friend. If this sounds confusing to you, imagine how she'll feel when you must discipline her.

2. Walk completely away when you're angry, take deeps breaths, and slowly count to ten. if this doesn't work, take deeps breaths and slowly count to 100. If this doesn't work, call for assistance. Above all remember, the best remedy for anger is delay.

Delay, delay, delay.

As long as you spoil her with love, and not things, and you two will be fine. Hug and kiss her often and she will reciprocate. Obedience comes from feeling loved, not being feared.

You'll be fine

recoverinbeauty

thanks!! I like that...obedience comes from being loved not being feared..hmmm never heard that..i just feel like everything she does gets on my nerves and I know shes just being a kid...but thanks.

SunriseSky

Hi Recover,

Mom of 2 here. I agree with Amajority - when you're mad, walk away from the situation until you are calm. If you are newly sober, your emotions are going to be all over the place and it's also possible that her emotions are all over the place too. Right now, the most important thing you can do for yourself and your daughter is to maintain your sobriety, even if that means letting her "mouth off" and act out. Just ignore it for now. It's OK. It will be OK. Just focus on you and staying sober.

KateL

My children were all still quite young when I got sober which is good because I got to spend some valuable time with them like you will.Even though they were little, they still understood that something hadn't been quite right with me and they were slightly resentful and distant for a while, which affects behaviour, after being looked after by different family members etc. They were never ill treated or anything as your little one hasn't. It takes time but they do come round. A little distance had been created but that was the nature of the disease of addiction. Don't beat yourself up but give her time. And don't let her get away with stuff through guilt either. Set some boundaries but be loving at the same time. It is a difficult balance I know. I made the mistake of over compensating for and letting them get away with murder which made them brats for a while Give yourself time to heal too, your nerves will still be raw. Congrats on a month and being a caring mum. xxxxxxxxxoxxxxxxxx

Amajorityofone

Yes, there are times when I have to remind myself that he is 7 and I am 47. Be mindful of the difference.

The good news is that kids are no different than dogs in that they'll do damn near anything you tell them as long as its smothered in affection. My son makes his own bed, cleans his own room, takes his own showers, puts away his dirty clothes, dresses himself, is at the top of his class in school, doesn't talk back and is well mannered because he feels loved.

It really is that simple

recoverinbeauty

How do u show him love and discipline and keep the rules going? I show my baby love don't get me wrong but at the same time im very strict and there are times where its a battle all day..i don't know how to be both a stearn mother and a passive mothe at the same time..i don't really know how to be a mom at all to be honest.i just thought if I was strict and stearn but still show her and tell her I love her shed be fine..but I feel like its not working..she wont listen till theres threats of consequences..i want to do what u do with ur son

EndGameNYC

It's likely that the problem lies in the difference between the way you're raising your daughter and the way Grandma raised her. One of the quickest and surest ways to create a rebellious and otherwise emotionally disturbed child is to provide two very different styles of parenting, each of which carries different sets of expectations, and different criteria for what is and what is not tolerated in terms of behavior.

This kind of bipolar parenting also contributes to other conditions in children such as ADD, anxiety and depression, particularly when the competing styles are very different.

You made a point to comment that you're "strict and stearn" with your daughter, yet you don't say what that means, and you seem to have chosen this path based on the fact that you are clueless when it comes to being a good parent. Whatever it is that you're doing with your daughter, it has at best left you both in a power struggle in which neither of you can win, nor should attempt to win.

Most young children can see through random acts of discipline for the fear and anxiety they cover. Demanding that your daughter act in a certain way makes her feel unsafe, and that you're neither listening to her nor paying attention to who she is as a person.

You're right. It's not working. Where do we go from here?

Finnie

Certainty rather than severity
Parenting rather than friendship

Remember they are individuals and will take their own journey eventually.

Live in the moment with them.

least

I have no advice, just want to offer a hug.

newme2day

One thought is your daughter may not feel secure in your relationship yet. It will take time for her to trust that she won't lose you to the addiction again. I have 2 kids. My advice . . .spend lots of quality time with her. Do some of her favorite activities. Earn her trust. The parenting may come more naturally once you two get to know each other without the cloud of drugs and alcohol.

ReadyAtLast

If your mother has been bringing your daughter up then this is understandably very new to you both. Your daughter may be very nervous, unsure, unstable and scared of change.

Parenting doesn't necessarily come naturally,especially when children are older. I know in some areas there are parenting classes -can you make enquiries. Have you got a social worker who can guide you or help you?

dax501

Everyone has given good advise, this especially. I'd also maybe think about reaching out to a therapist or school councelor for her. Her acting out may be a defense mechanism against getting hurt if you leave again (in her mind). Sometimes kids need an unbiased non-family member to talk things over with just like us adults do.

Hang in there (hugs)

Tommyh

my kids was very little when I got sober.I now have a 6 year old grand daughter too.
There have been some great replies here.One thing I tried to do ,along with my wife ,was to sit down and talk about things,but my kids was older than yours when we did that.That`s a lot better than yelling,and fussing.My wife stressed,communication a lot.
Keep the lines of communication open.I never was good at it and it helped me too.
A oldtimer told me once,just love them and don`t mistreat them.
I also learned in a childs mind,sometimes time=love to them.
I spent time with them and mostly it was doing what they wanted to do.
I studied some parenting stuff once for several years.It was really labeled "drug prevention" programs and I learned some good stuff there.
we`re not perfect people,and none of us are going to be perfect.You are starting out on your journey.Keep trying
and it may be a beautiful journey.

flutter

Sounds like she's been through a really difficult little life so far. Take it easy, mama. There's probably a lot of healing for both of you to do, and it just takes time, consistency and a lot of love (and patience!).

ForestRunner

Two things that work great for that age group are choices and 123. Choices are two alternatives, both of which you can live with, but give her a feeling of control, such as: Do you want do you want mac-n-cheese or chicken strips for lunch? Do you want to the grocery store now or on 15 minutes? Do you want to read a book or play a game?

123 means you give her a task that she must do and give her a long 123 to do it or you'll do it for her or make her do it. For example: please put on your shoes. I am going to count to three. Many kids want to feel independent, and will do it if the alternative is having mom do it. If she waits until 3 you put on the shoes. This works with tantrums. You have until 3 to stop screaming or I will take you to your room until you can be sweet.

Reward positive behavior with love and ignore negative behavior. This will teach her to use positive behavior to get your attention.

And finally, give lots of love and, to the best of your ability, time. My kids, 9 & 11, are the most well behaved when I have spent one-on-one time with them, either playing Legos, board games, watching movies or reading books. Sometimes you don't feel like it, but it goes a long way, both for your daughter and it will also make you feel like a better mom. Take care of yourself...

Ruby2

Take a deep breath. Walk away if you are going to lose your cool. I don't have all the answers. I have two kids, 8 and 5. Throughout their lives at times they have taken care of themselves because I was too drunk to do anything other than to make sure th house didn't burn down. I am not proud of that but it happened. When I got sober and started drawing the line with them they got unhappy because they had limits where they didn't have any before. Who was I to tell them what to do?

Your sobriety is a big change for you and your daughter. It will take time. If she is doing something she shouldn't be doing, deflect her with something that she likes doing. Off an alternative. My daughter likes to color. So if she is screaming and crying I off that. Or have her help me in something I am doing, like making dinner. Bake cookies together.

It is tough. You can do this. Maybe parenting classes? Talk to someone who has kids whose parenting you admire? You need support because you have a lot on your plate.

awuh1

I once had a developmental child psychology course that was taught by the mother of a 3 and a 5 year old boy. She would tell us that the most effective parenting comes from a good relationship with your kids. I would say to myself 'ya right'. She would say things like “if you have a good enough relationship with your children, all you need to do when they are misbehaving is to give them a look of disapproval ”. In other words, when the parent child relationship becomes important enough to them, your disapproval, alone, becomes something to be avoided.

Well I just did not believe it, and I added a few expletives to my personal opinion of her 'philosophy'. She said that she could bring the kids to the lecture and that we would not know they were there. (I think I nearly laughed out loud at that one).

Then one day she brought her kids to the lecture. She sat them in the last row of that that lecture hall, gave a 50 minute lecture and then, looking at her kids said, “you guys did really well”. I was shocked. I had forgotten they were there.

Needless to say, she now had my attention, as well as no small amount of my respect.