I thought I was invincible.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2014
Posts: 425
I thought I was invincible.
Hi, my name is Serper.
I'm new here and this is my first thread.
Here's my story:
One thing I've learned over the last 4 years is that alcohol is not the problem. I'm the problem. That's why my story contains much about myself. I want to introspectively examen myself as I write this. I appreciate any relations, comments and questions you may have. Please do not post generic comments congratulating me and telling me that life is better sober. I've been lurking on these forums for awhile, and I see a lot of those types of responses.
I'm 24 years old and a 3rd year medical student. I "woke up" and I'm still wondering how it got this bad. How did this happen to me?
I guess it all started in 2010. I was then enrolled in a very rigorous university in NYC, excellent grades, great friends, and I was respected in the classroom as well as at social events. I had a girlfriend at the time, who I still consider one of the most selfless human beings that I've ever met. However, she was less attractive than I. (Maybe a 6.5 out of 10) This is important because, while I would never admit it to myself. I thought I could do better. My drinking started when I received a highly competitive internship on the other side of the country. I had just turned 21 and despite being in college and being surrounded by alcohol I had only drank approx 10 times in my life. I didn't like to drink at that point, so I mostly drank hard liquor the times I drank. I thought it was terrible and I hated beer. 2-3 shots for the night was always enough. I never wanted to be out of control.
Long story short, the culture of my internship was surprisingly centered around happy hours and getting a beer after work. Even my boss would host happy hours at his home every few weeks. This is when I discovered microbrews. Let me rephrase that...This is when I was introduced to microbrews. I fell in love with all of the options and flavors. I began a list on my computer and I wanted to try every microbrew in the world and rank them! I began drinking 2-3 nights a week and it wasn't really a problem because I never got super drunk.
I finished my internship and went back to new york for my final semester of college. I was ready to party and go to bars for the first time. 3 weeks into the semester I got drunk and lied to my girlfriend about where I was (I was at another girls apartment alone with her, nothing happened, but that didn't matter) She dumped me. It broke me. How could SHE dump ME? Is this happening? My confidence was shattered. It was so utterly painful, because at that time in my life I was sure we would get married. You can probably guess what happened next. I fell into serious depression, stopped going to class, just stayed in my apartment (I lived alone at that time). I had one class a week that was required. So that is the only class I went to. I began drinking thurs, fri and sat nights because I knew she would be out discovering bars as she had just turned 21 and the thought of her meeting another guy killed me. I numbed the pain by getting drunk 3 nights a week...and any weekdays that the pain was too much.
My grades plummeted, but I didn't really care as I was already accepted to several medical schools. I must backtrack for a moment and mention that I grew up in poverty. --like when it rains outside my roof leaks type poverty. I had never had any money. I worked throughout college and just had enough to get by. This is an important factor because despite my depression it kept my drinking at bay. Two months before I graduated I came into a small sum of money (4 figure sum). This was the most money I'd had in my entire life! And I decided to reward myself to try and lift myself out of the depression. So I booked a ticket to go to Europe for a month and live off the land backpacking and seeking adventure and most of all peace from the loneliness I felt from my ex leaving me. I thought Europe would heal me. I had no plan, no itinerary. I was just going to land in Europe and see where fate would take me. I didn't take a cellphone or a laptop, just clothes and a journal.
Very long long story short. I spent almost every night drunk in Europe and honestly it was amazing. I missed a train in Belgium, ended up in Spain by accident, met some single serving friends on the train and then while exploring Spain. I bumped into my train friends despite not having taken down their phone number. They invited me to stay with them and a 4 day drinking binge ensued. The last night I was drunk on the street and I tripped into a girl and almost knocked her over. She was a 9.5/10 and just what I needed to restore my confidence. A perfect hispanic girl...I was 22, impressionable and broken. She was 8 years older than me and seemed to be the most confident person I had ever met. I should've known that from that night she was an alcoholic. The way she took me to her place and filled me with vodka, it was ridiculous. She became my girlfriend and I would spend the next 1.5 years flying every three weeks to see her and get smashed. To this day, I still don't think we had a sober night together. Where did all this money come from? Well after 5 years of putting everything I bought on multiple credit cards and paying every month off. I had good credit and 15,000 of it. During this time I started medical school and I would skype with her every night and drink. Every single night. I drank more and more and more. To this day I don't know how I passed those med exams. It's insane. I would have 8-10 beers every night even on the nights before exams. I kept drinking because I wanted the hispanic girl to like me, and I was impressionable with her being much older than I. I thought that the drinking was ok! Because Unlike the year before, I wasn't drinking to avoid emotional pain. I was drinking to have fun! I entered my 2nd year of medical school. At this point I had drank every night for over a year without a single exception. Ironically, I broke up with my hispanic girlfriend because of HER drinking. She never got out of control, but I hated the way she could drink every night and stay in control. I didn't hate her, I hated myself. This time it was a clean break and I continued nightly drinking throughout my 2nd year of med school. The drinking changed me. I had to go out, I had to be crazy, I had to push the limit. I didn't care. I took tests hungover. I threw up in the restrooms during the day. Yet somehow I was so confident. I ended up dating a model from the Caribbean. To this day I still don't understand how that happened. But it only lasted 3 months because she wasn't a drinker. I remember one night we had dinner and I had 2 glasses of wine and I wanted to go party. She wanted to go home and have sex (which would have been the first time). I said no...to a model...this is when I knew I really had a problem...she broke up with me a few weeks later and I was GLAD. Now noone to curb my drinking. I was up to 10-12 beers a night on weeknights. As I entered my 3rd year of medical school I was wrecked. I had gained 35 lbs. I was 15,000 in debt. I had to sell almost everything that I own, for grocery and beer money. For someone who has never failed at anything in his life. I couldn't believe I let a substance control me. On 10/13. I drank 1/5 of rum in 2 hours and called my friend to take me to the hospital. It was the wake up call I needed BUT It still has taken me 4 months to quit. I've spent the last 4 months tapering. Going a few days and then full weeks of being sober and then saying "I just want one more crazy night". In January of this year, I was getting drunk about once every 3 to 4 days. Slowly letting my body get used to being sober so I could avoid DT's. I quit 5 days ago, and I feel pretty great except for the occasional bout of sweating. I've been going to the gym and eating healthy. I'm on day 5 without a drop, so I'm pretty confident that I've passed the point of having any serious withdrawal symptoms. Sleep has been a bit tough, but that's about it. I'm glad to be here. I'm glad to still be in school. But most of all I'm glad that you read this and gave me and opportunity to reflect on the reasons why I was the problem, not the alcohol.
I'm new here and this is my first thread.
Here's my story:
One thing I've learned over the last 4 years is that alcohol is not the problem. I'm the problem. That's why my story contains much about myself. I want to introspectively examen myself as I write this. I appreciate any relations, comments and questions you may have. Please do not post generic comments congratulating me and telling me that life is better sober. I've been lurking on these forums for awhile, and I see a lot of those types of responses.
I'm 24 years old and a 3rd year medical student. I "woke up" and I'm still wondering how it got this bad. How did this happen to me?
I guess it all started in 2010. I was then enrolled in a very rigorous university in NYC, excellent grades, great friends, and I was respected in the classroom as well as at social events. I had a girlfriend at the time, who I still consider one of the most selfless human beings that I've ever met. However, she was less attractive than I. (Maybe a 6.5 out of 10) This is important because, while I would never admit it to myself. I thought I could do better. My drinking started when I received a highly competitive internship on the other side of the country. I had just turned 21 and despite being in college and being surrounded by alcohol I had only drank approx 10 times in my life. I didn't like to drink at that point, so I mostly drank hard liquor the times I drank. I thought it was terrible and I hated beer. 2-3 shots for the night was always enough. I never wanted to be out of control.
Long story short, the culture of my internship was surprisingly centered around happy hours and getting a beer after work. Even my boss would host happy hours at his home every few weeks. This is when I discovered microbrews. Let me rephrase that...This is when I was introduced to microbrews. I fell in love with all of the options and flavors. I began a list on my computer and I wanted to try every microbrew in the world and rank them! I began drinking 2-3 nights a week and it wasn't really a problem because I never got super drunk.
I finished my internship and went back to new york for my final semester of college. I was ready to party and go to bars for the first time. 3 weeks into the semester I got drunk and lied to my girlfriend about where I was (I was at another girls apartment alone with her, nothing happened, but that didn't matter) She dumped me. It broke me. How could SHE dump ME? Is this happening? My confidence was shattered. It was so utterly painful, because at that time in my life I was sure we would get married. You can probably guess what happened next. I fell into serious depression, stopped going to class, just stayed in my apartment (I lived alone at that time). I had one class a week that was required. So that is the only class I went to. I began drinking thurs, fri and sat nights because I knew she would be out discovering bars as she had just turned 21 and the thought of her meeting another guy killed me. I numbed the pain by getting drunk 3 nights a week...and any weekdays that the pain was too much.
My grades plummeted, but I didn't really care as I was already accepted to several medical schools. I must backtrack for a moment and mention that I grew up in poverty. --like when it rains outside my roof leaks type poverty. I had never had any money. I worked throughout college and just had enough to get by. This is an important factor because despite my depression it kept my drinking at bay. Two months before I graduated I came into a small sum of money (4 figure sum). This was the most money I'd had in my entire life! And I decided to reward myself to try and lift myself out of the depression. So I booked a ticket to go to Europe for a month and live off the land backpacking and seeking adventure and most of all peace from the loneliness I felt from my ex leaving me. I thought Europe would heal me. I had no plan, no itinerary. I was just going to land in Europe and see where fate would take me. I didn't take a cellphone or a laptop, just clothes and a journal.
Very long long story short. I spent almost every night drunk in Europe and honestly it was amazing. I missed a train in Belgium, ended up in Spain by accident, met some single serving friends on the train and then while exploring Spain. I bumped into my train friends despite not having taken down their phone number. They invited me to stay with them and a 4 day drinking binge ensued. The last night I was drunk on the street and I tripped into a girl and almost knocked her over. She was a 9.5/10 and just what I needed to restore my confidence. A perfect hispanic girl...I was 22, impressionable and broken. She was 8 years older than me and seemed to be the most confident person I had ever met. I should've known that from that night she was an alcoholic. The way she took me to her place and filled me with vodka, it was ridiculous. She became my girlfriend and I would spend the next 1.5 years flying every three weeks to see her and get smashed. To this day, I still don't think we had a sober night together. Where did all this money come from? Well after 5 years of putting everything I bought on multiple credit cards and paying every month off. I had good credit and 15,000 of it. During this time I started medical school and I would skype with her every night and drink. Every single night. I drank more and more and more. To this day I don't know how I passed those med exams. It's insane. I would have 8-10 beers every night even on the nights before exams. I kept drinking because I wanted the hispanic girl to like me, and I was impressionable with her being much older than I. I thought that the drinking was ok! Because Unlike the year before, I wasn't drinking to avoid emotional pain. I was drinking to have fun! I entered my 2nd year of medical school. At this point I had drank every night for over a year without a single exception. Ironically, I broke up with my hispanic girlfriend because of HER drinking. She never got out of control, but I hated the way she could drink every night and stay in control. I didn't hate her, I hated myself. This time it was a clean break and I continued nightly drinking throughout my 2nd year of med school. The drinking changed me. I had to go out, I had to be crazy, I had to push the limit. I didn't care. I took tests hungover. I threw up in the restrooms during the day. Yet somehow I was so confident. I ended up dating a model from the Caribbean. To this day I still don't understand how that happened. But it only lasted 3 months because she wasn't a drinker. I remember one night we had dinner and I had 2 glasses of wine and I wanted to go party. She wanted to go home and have sex (which would have been the first time). I said no...to a model...this is when I knew I really had a problem...she broke up with me a few weeks later and I was GLAD. Now noone to curb my drinking. I was up to 10-12 beers a night on weeknights. As I entered my 3rd year of medical school I was wrecked. I had gained 35 lbs. I was 15,000 in debt. I had to sell almost everything that I own, for grocery and beer money. For someone who has never failed at anything in his life. I couldn't believe I let a substance control me. On 10/13. I drank 1/5 of rum in 2 hours and called my friend to take me to the hospital. It was the wake up call I needed BUT It still has taken me 4 months to quit. I've spent the last 4 months tapering. Going a few days and then full weeks of being sober and then saying "I just want one more crazy night". In January of this year, I was getting drunk about once every 3 to 4 days. Slowly letting my body get used to being sober so I could avoid DT's. I quit 5 days ago, and I feel pretty great except for the occasional bout of sweating. I've been going to the gym and eating healthy. I'm on day 5 without a drop, so I'm pretty confident that I've passed the point of having any serious withdrawal symptoms. Sleep has been a bit tough, but that's about it. I'm glad to be here. I'm glad to still be in school. But most of all I'm glad that you read this and gave me and opportunity to reflect on the reasons why I was the problem, not the alcohol.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2014
Posts: 425
Originally Posted by ImperfectlyMe 
Welcome serper I WILL NOT say congrats or say things get better even if I want to 
Look forward to hearing more from you, what happened to the 6.5?
Look forward to hearing more from you, what happened to the 6.5?
-Serper
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: North salt lake
Posts: 3,325
Well good that your sober. Also good you're still in school. I wish you luck in your sobriety, it's tough. You've had quite a time these last four years. Hopefully you have a good support system in place to help you. This **** is tough to stop. I'm on day 18 and I'll I can say is I won't drink today. Can't guarantee you tomorrow. Good luck Serper!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: NJ
Posts: 109
Hi Serper,
Sounds like you have had an interesting life so far. Listen, your 24 this should be the time of your life. And just the beginning of it! Lucky for you that you have realized now that you have a problem with alcohol. I wish you the best!
Sounds like you have had an interesting life so far. Listen, your 24 this should be the time of your life. And just the beginning of it! Lucky for you that you have realized now that you have a problem with alcohol. I wish you the best!
Member
Join Date: May 2013
Location: Mid-Atlantic
Posts: 552
Hi. Welcome to SR. I won't offer you any generic congratulations. I understand what it's like to take things for granted. Good health, education, opportunities, good/decent people (regardless of where they fall on a 1-10 scale). It's a sad thing when our sense of entitlement leads us to be incapable of appreciating and enjoying the things that really matter, especially when coming from such humble beginnings. It really seems like you've had enough and are dedicated to change. Stay strong!!!
All my best!
All my best!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 106
Don't underestimate the power of the generic congratulations. There is something special about people you have never met taking the time to cheer you on. You brought yourself up from poverty to where you are now. I am sure you can beat this challenge also. Good luck.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,431
Welcome Serper 
I read, literally, hundreds of posts a day.
I know I'm not alone there.
If I repeat myself sometimes, please don't doubt those responses are all genuine
good to have you join us. What are your plans for staying sober?
D
I read, literally, hundreds of posts a day.
I know I'm not alone there.
If I repeat myself sometimes, please don't doubt those responses are all genuine
good to have you join us. What are your plans for staying sober?
D
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2014
Posts: 425
Originally Posted by Dee74
Welcome Serper
I read, literally, hundreds of posts a day.
I know I'm not alone there.
If I repeat myself sometimes, please don't doubt those responses are all genuine
good to have you join us. What are your plans for staying sober?
D
I read, literally, hundreds of posts a day.
I know I'm not alone there.
If I repeat myself sometimes, please don't doubt those responses are all genuine
good to have you join us. What are your plans for staying sober?
D
Yeah I guess I'm just used to other forums where people post too long didn't read tl;dr... I wanted people to read my story and actually comment on it versus "Congrats on being sober" without reading it.
My plan for this is just to take one day at a time. Tonight I'm going out with some friends. I'm 99% confident I wont drink. As I've been mentally preparing for it all day, I'm not taking any cash or cards to the bar, I'm doing a triathlon tomorrow... so I have 3 really good reasons to tell that voice in my head to shut up.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: Virginia
Posts: 86
Welcome Serper. I relate to alot of your story. When you talked about wanting to go out and party after drinking 2 glasses of wine vs. sleep with the model....I totally get that. I am the same. Once I drink alcohol I only want to keep drinking. No money, sex, love, higher power etc...can make me not want to continue drinking. That's not to say that I haven't been able to stop after drinking one or two when I tried very hard to control myself...but the desire was there...and I would have rather continued drinking than do anything else. Eventually that leads to total isolation, in my case anyway. I have been reading a book "Kick the Drink Easily" by Jack Vale. From that perspective, I may disagree that alcohol is not the problem and that you are. I believe that alcohol is a problem for most if not all of us (alcoholics or not). I believe it is a lie and a poison and if you are already in a vulnerable state of mind or not...it will take over and ruin your life. I think you would do well to go to an AA meeting for YP (Young People) and Beginners. You will find much face to face support there. Sober Recovery.Com is awesome and keeps me aflot, but I also need human contact type support. I need to look people in the eye and be accountable. I will take any tool available to help myself survive and thrive. Good luck to you.
AlmA
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Marbella Spain
Posts: 714
God that was a Story...
I thought was long when I saw it, but actually was amazing and sincere!
Glad you realized you have a problem and are doing something about it!!!
there is so much to do in life
you are only 24 imagine all the things you will do!
Do not waste it drunk!
I still can not believe you passed your exams in such a state!!!
You have a second chance do not waste it...
P.S. Be careful what you say about Spanish Girls...!!!
I thought was long when I saw it, but actually was amazing and sincere!
Glad you realized you have a problem and are doing something about it!!!
there is so much to do in life
you are only 24 imagine all the things you will do!
Do not waste it drunk!
I still can not believe you passed your exams in such a state!!!
You have a second chance do not waste it...
P.S. Be careful what you say about Spanish Girls...!!!
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,431
No worries Serper
I thought I was invincible too but my body had other ideas. I'm glad it did cos I'd be dead now, if not.
I started drinking in earnest for a lot of reasons - one of the main ones being a girl...but 10 years on, long after the pain was gone, I was still drinking.
It's good you're tackling this now and not waiting like I did.
I do have to say tho - I needed to change my life. I tried not being a drinker in my old life, but my old life and my old friends were geared to drinking.
If you find that too, you might want to look at what other ways you can be social and get out of the house that don;t involve bars and friends drinking.
D
I thought I was invincible too but my body had other ideas. I'm glad it did cos I'd be dead now, if not.
I started drinking in earnest for a lot of reasons - one of the main ones being a girl...but 10 years on, long after the pain was gone, I was still drinking.
It's good you're tackling this now and not waiting like I did.
I do have to say tho - I needed to change my life. I tried not being a drinker in my old life, but my old life and my old friends were geared to drinking.
If you find that too, you might want to look at what other ways you can be social and get out of the house that don;t involve bars and friends drinking.
D
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2014
Posts: 425
Originally Posted by Thepatman
did the 6.5 out of 10 girl dump you?
I lost sight when I saw this. Rating girls will get your no where. It's just rude.
I lost sight when I saw this. Rating girls will get your no where. It's just rude.
Being offended by my 21 year old thinking and not offering support is the only thing that is "just rude" in this thread. The only reason I mentioned the ratings was because it emphasizes the huge blow to my confidence that lead into my drinking... Had that not happened I may have waited later in life after school to go through this, and being that my job requires the utmost focus. I could have hurt a lot more people than I already did.
-Serper
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