IamFreeNow14

Hi
I`m from Germany and my English isn´t like yours perhaps, but I did not found the kind of information about alcoholics like on American pages, so thats the reason I am here now.
My husband left me and the children for about 2 months now and in the end he blamed me for his drinking patterns, or- for me- his addiction.
It began 5 years ago when our son was born and we had much stress and sorrows for different reasons...
He started with two beers in the evening and ended up by four beers AND a half bottle Jägermeister or Martini or vodka, one bottle of wine was nothing for him...
He needed more and more, he began to drink almost ever day in a cubby of our flat about five o`clock in the afternoon and stopped in the night at 2.00.
Sometimes he slept their siiting down, his head on his chest, spit ran out of his mouth...

I went for help...and found the wrong lady.
She believed that I AM THE REASON for his drinking and that because he does not love me and can`t move away...
Bam!!!!
It hurts!!!

So we went to couple therapy for one time and then my husband didn`t want it anymore...

Once the Playschool of my son noticed his smell of alcohol (of my husband!!!) and informed the child protective service...
My husband swore he would limit his alcohol drinking on the weekend, but this promise held two weeks....than he began again to buy alcohol in the afternoon....

We struggled and in the end he shouted he would not love me and he would want seperation.

I made so many mistakes, begged, told him I would love him....

He also blamed me I would be the reason for his addiction, and if he had left me before, he would never started drinking...
It hurts so much...

He even spitted on me and hit me...
He went of the house with a smile on his lips like a winner...
Like he would say me:" Look, now I`m happy, I`m so glad to be without you..."

It hurts so much, be blamed of him, of the therapist,....
He also said: "Now I also want another woman!!!"
As I said then: "Let`s go for divorce he ment:"No, I don`t want that now...I want to give you a very last chance...."!!!
Say me, what is going on with him???


Sad greetings ...
Sara

apophylite

No one can be blamed for anyone's drinking, except the person with a drink in their hand.
I'm sorry you had to go through this.

LadyinBC

You are NOT the reason for his drinking. That is on us. We make the decision to drink, it is our choice.

I am so sorry you are having to deal with this.

Kissimee54

That sounds like an abusive relationship. Remember you can't change him only yourself. Take care of you!

Nonsensical

Welcome to SR.
Sorry you are going through this painful time.

You can't fix your husband's problem.

Take care of yourself and your children.

GreenEggsAndHam

I'm so sorry.

He'd be out of my house if he hit me and spit on me, so he needs to be gone - at least while he's sick. Don't make excuses for him like "Oh, he was drunk." He chose to drink and take his emotional problems out of you.

Can you look into Al Anon in your area?

IamFreeNow14

Hi,
Thanks for your replies.
I think I could go to ALAnon...
But there is something in my head like "Maybe the therapist is right and he is not an alcoholic, he has stopped now..."
Besides of this ...he is gone.
It`s the end!
Now he can start his terrific Life with his new woman/women without me.
Or? Isn`t it like this?

Do I have a benefit now to go to AlAnon?
I mean he has moved out..?

Greetings,
Sara

Sasha4

He is a bully Sara. He is also dangerous if he hit you and spit on you and drank when responsible for your child.

You need to surround yourself with support.
Go to Al Anon and make friends with people who understand what you are going through.

Do not listen to anything he says about you being the reason why he drank.
It is all lies and excuses.
No-one has forced him to drink but himself.

Do you have family who can help you?

The second chance bit? I really do not think he is thinking like a normal person. He sounds rude, selfish, egotistical and quite thick if he thinks the way he does.

You deserve a peaceful, calm, fulfilling and happy life, without him causing disruption and hurt with his behaviour and drinking.

Don't worry about other women. He will behave the same way. I think he will end up a lonely old man whose only friend is drink.

I wish you the best x

iwanthappiness

Sara,

I am so sorry this is happening to you. In regards to your question about still going to Al anon even if he is out of your life....the answer is YES!

You need to strengthen your inner core so you do not allow this type of relationship in your life again. There are reasons us "codies" tend to allow this kind of abuse for such long periods of time.

Please do not blame yourself. My husband is currently doing the same thing.....the blame game. Do not fall into his trap. This is what they do.

I do believe alcoholics can recover, I have seen it happen. But for right now, he doesn't sound close to it. The best thing you can do is protect yourself and children while he is in this condition. When he sees you are strong and won't allow this type of behavior, that will actually (hopefully) HELP him to recover. Please seek Al-anon or read on line. Just my advice.

Hugs to you. You are not alone. You may want to post this on friends and family of alcoholics. You may get more of a response. Read the sticky.....what is abuse. This will help tremendously!

Climber122

Hi Sara,

Don't mess around with this man - he is mentally ill and if he chooses not to get sober the abuse will likely get worse. A drunken, physically abusive rage can turn to murder, you realize? This is how it happens...

You can have compassion for him as a sick person, but you need to remove yourself and your children from a dangerous, harmful environment. Let a trained mental health professional who is skilled in handling these situations plan your next move - you don't have to figure this all out but you should get clear of your husband as soon as possible. I'm not sure what you have in Germany but I know Germany has a strong social support network and I would imagine help is just a phone call away.

And don't listen to his lies - It is a classic move of abusive people to blame their victims. I pray you will seek help, get this destructive man out of your life and don't look back. God bless.

KateL

His behaviour is not acceptable. It is abusive and if he cannot change you would be better off without him. Sorry to have to say this and I hope things work out for you xxxxxx

least

Welcome to the family Sara! You cannot change this man and it seems that it's best that he left. You don't need that kind of abuse in your life. The kids don't need it either. I'm glad he's gone. I wish you can find some peace in your life.

Longpasttime

I have been drunk an untold number of times over the years and never even considered/came close to hitting a woman I was involved with, even during the worst arguments. I think that is is line that once crossed, cannot be uncrossed.
I certainly used relationship stuff as MY excuse for me to drink, but even then i knew that no one was making me drink. I can see feeling trapped as a trigger for drinking, but there is NEVER a reason for abuse and, as referenced above, "see what you made me do" is textbook abuser behaviour.
I wish safety and happiness for you and the kids.

atalose

Of course you have a benefit now, YOU!

Al-anon isn’t about him or his drinking…..it’s about YOU and the affects someone’s drinking has had on your life.

Just because he and some quack therapist told you it’s your fault……….doesn’t mean it’s true, does it?

The more you question that, believe its true the farther lost you will become in your own head.

I’m gathering it’s really the part where he says he’ll find someone else that’s hitting your emotions the most.

So let’s play that tape all the way through shall we……..say he does happen to meet someone today, what’s he going to say – hello my name is_____ I’m separated from my wife and child because I like to drink and get drunk then hit and spit at her. humm how many healthy woman are going to go for that?? So then he converts the truth to suit himself and make himself look like the poor victim blaming his horrible wife. This woman is then being lied to right from the get go, she may fall fast and hard for his BS but truth always prevails and so will his drinking. Next thing you know she is showing up here on SR and going to al-anon to figure out how to change the guy with the drinking problem that she loves so very much.

You can’t change him, only he can change himself. Al-anon is for YOU not some magical group that helps wifes/girlfriends/family to get the alcoholic in their lives to stop drinking.

Alcoholism is NOT an excuse for abuse EVER. Unacceptable behavior (hitting,spitting) is always unacceptable.

IamFreeNow14

Hi,
oh I have forgotten one thing:
As his insanity was on the height he also said that to me:
"If you go with me to the notary and sign up this....than I will not leave you..."

And this was I should sign up:
You aren`t allowed to talk without my permission
You are only allowed to talk with me by letter
I have to say everything in the family
I am allowed to have many other women

So! What do you say to this dope??
Isn`t he mad???

SayAnything

He sounds like an insane narcissist. My sister was involved with one and I had to go help her get out from under his insanity. He, too tried to make her sign documents saying that if she talked to another man, she would go to hell because he knew her Christian faith was strong. I hope you and your children are able to get away and be safe. I'll be thinking of you. Please reach out to family for help, if that's a possibility. Also, write all of these things down so you have a record. Be strong and stay here for support!

Nonsensical

"Good-bye"

iwanthappiness

RUN! Is there a women's shelter local to you? They would be of excellent resource right now.

IamFreeNow14

Hi
I don`t have to run physically but emotionally.
He has moved out 2 months ago...to find a new, better woman.
But he insists on his right to get the children every two weeks.
In the morning he wrote that he wants them for the whole weekend.
But my kids don`t so....
And my feelings are...mixed....

atalose

Good bye - see you in court.