iwanthappiness

The women's shelter could give you advice on how to deal with the children in this situation. I had to file for a restraining order so he could not have access to them at this moment due to abuse (physical on me) right now. The whole process was free and I am safe now......so are my children.

They still have communication and he is able to visit with them in public places with me present such as their soccer games, etc. Court ordered.

Sasha4

You need to let him know that you are leaving him.

It is not up to him anymore if you are in a relationship together. It is up to you and you are saying it is over.

Do not answer or respond to his threats.

You need to document everything he says and take a note of his actions. Keep any text messages that he sends you.

If you can have a family member deal with him and do not contact him yourself.
Some legal advice would probably be good too.

ChloeRose63

IamFreeNow14, Please read and re-read all these wonderful posts slowly. There is much to take in. You need to get support. Your situation is serious especially when children are involved. Keep us all posted. We care very much. Praying for you, CR

IamFreeNow14

So my doughter had a call with him and it drives me crazy...
He asked her how I am...
I could think he would like to her that I`m crying all day and night...but that`s not like that...

But now I cried.
There is one side of him I still love
And there is this other, strange, evil side that can hurt people so much....

How can I deal with all these emotions?
I would like to break contact fully but with kids it is hard.

I want to kick him out of my life, but my doughter loves him still although he hit her also... ((

How can I deal with these emotions???
It feels so awful like it would be better to die... (

Sara

ChloeRose63

Sara, you are hitting rock bottom. Look up...things are going to get better. It's a test so dig down deep inside your soul and gather all your strength to pull yourself out of that mindset. You have it in you to fight those thoughts. We all need you to stay with us. We care! Keep writing and tell us what is going on...

IamFreeNow14

Thank you.
It´s the whole situation which drives me crazy.
I can`t stand the thought to be without my kids and I can`t stand the thought he could try convert them for him.
Because now he makes all the things he NEVER did before:
He goes to the cinema, to the zoo, buys presents, tomorrow he will buy a bunk bed to have the two with him over night...
I can`t stand this thougt being a broken family.
I can`t stand the thought he will never apologize because he really is convinced about his magnitude, he really thinks he has done nothing wrong!!!

It`s hard.
Maybe he is really a narcissist.
My therapist thinks so...

Greetings...

CarryOn

Welcome, Sara. Hugs to you...so sorry for what you have been through.

I agree with others to go to AlAnon, and look for other resources for yourself & your children. Does your therapist have a background in addiction? Having a therapist that has knowledge of addiction can help them provide good treatment for you.

Also, if you are not aware, there is a forum for Friends & Family of Alcoholics (click on the Forums link and look down the list), where there are a lot of permanent (sticky) posts about being in a relationship with an A, how to get support, attending AlAnon, etc.

I'm glad you found this forum...there is a lot of support here.

Sasha4

Sara how old are your children?

The trips to the zoo, the bunkbeds, the gifts...thats not love. Thats bribing them for their affections.

I understand. I am going through the same x

iwanthappiness

The more you are away from him, the more you will clearly see just how the abuse has affected you. You WILL become stronger and stronger and realize that love simply shouldn't hurt. I would be careful with allowing so much interaction with him and your daughter. Especially since he has hit her in the past! Do you have a plan in place incase she is exposed to this crazy and abusive behavior without your presence?

I don't want to scare you, but something to think about. Always protect the children.

least

He should not be allowed to see them except under supervision. He is an abuser and has no right to them. He gave up that right when he hit her and told you all that garbage. Get legal help to be rid of him.

ChloeRose63

Children should not be left alone with anyone who drinks. There are too many bad things that happen and things they should never be exposed to. Alcoholics do not have any sense of good judgement or even how to act appropriately. They are not responsible. Just think of all the arrests and trips to the ER that are a result of drunken stupidity. Hey, just watch the nightly news and the drunk drivers being arrested for driving the wrong way. They can be dangerous. Be safe.

iwanthappiness

My XAH drove my kids many of times while drunk. I had no idea.....then I woke up!! I could kick myself for being so stupid. Their judgment is poor and their denial is even worse. Do you have any support? family? I was all alone. The local women's shelter helped so much.

Thanks for posting. We care!!

newhope01

Dearest Iamfreenow,
I know your pain as I hear echos of my own voice through your words. I am so sorry that you are going through this and I know it feels impossible to leave him, but you must. The love you have for him, as pure as it is, is not reciprocated. This man will continue to abuse not only you, but your daughter.

That fear you're feeling of breaking up a family and living the rest of your life without him is very difficult to overcome but not impossible. Besides, if hes abusing you and your children, isn't your family already broken up by his choice? The thoughts of him happy with another woman can drive you mad but please keep in mind if he continues to abuse alcohol he will continue to be alone and unhappy.

Think of your children and think of what kind of message you want to send them. Do you want them to think its okay to be abused by the men who love them or that its okay to abuse the women you love? There is nothing stronger than the human spirit and you can rise above this. You have control and you deserve to be happy.

Take baby steps if you need too, as any progress is good progress at this point.

Sasha4

Sara , at the moment I think it is too early for you to be making sure your children still have a relationship with their father.

He has not behaved well.
He has left.
His feelings, in my eyes come last.
You need to look after your own mental well being and your children's health and happiness too.

I have separated from my partner.
I have a 4 year old daughter.
I am also unwell at the moment and I work full time.

I have no contact with him other than a text message twice a week to confirm he can see his daughter the following day.
He has 3 hours on a tuesday and a saturday.

He has moved in with another woman and her 2 children.
He let this woman sleep in our bed with him.

He is not allowed to see my daughter with his other woman and her children.
I will not allow it.
If it happens then the visits will be come supervised. I would probably ask a family member to help with that so I don't have to be near him.

My daughter is too young to be able to make a phone call to him.
When she is old enough, she can ring him as much as possible if she wishes. But until that time I am not facilitating contact between them.

He never rings to speak to her now and she never asks to ring him either.

I have completely taken control of the situation.
At times it is hard, when I am on my own with her and I am not well.
However, I go to family and friends before i go to him.

Do you really think he deserves to see his children?

Somebody asked me that in the early days when he had left.
I had never thought of it that way.

And for me that answer is no he does not deserve to see his daughter and no way will another woman I have never, ever met, kiss my child goodnight after she has had the bare faced cheek to have sex in my bed when I was away with work and my daughter was asleep upstairs.

You can do this, you just don't know it yet xxxx

newhope01

Iamfreenow, Just wondering how you are holding up?

IamFreeNow14

Hi,
I don't know the meaning of "hold up".
But if it means to keep strong than I say:"Yes.I'm wondering!"
But everyday is a kind of a fight for me because I have many other difficulties beside this seperation....

Why do I permit so much interaction with my kids and ex-husband?
Here in Germany it is regulated by the Child protective services that fathers and mothers have the same rights with their children.
He can see them every 14 days for a weekend.
But in the case with alcoholism it should be another procedure.
But maybe he has convinced everyone that he has stopped now....
Now in his new better life with new woman....

He wants me to believe that I was the reason for his drinking.
I know I am not but sometimes I start to believe.....
He seems so happy on the phone....
Everything is ok.....for him.....he doesn't know his childrens tears.
My tears are meaningless to him
He always aped my crying and said my tears would be false tears...........
Yes, he is an abuser.
He has two absolute different sides.....
A god one and a horrible one...

Sara

ShootingStar1

I am so sorry for what has brought you to SoberRecovery, and send my prayers that you and your children's lives will get better without an abusive alcoholic in your home.

There is another forum here on SoberRecovery called the Friends and Families of Alcoholics that you might want to visit. Many of us who post there have been through what you are going through, and you will find a wealth of knowledge and compassion. At the very top of this page, you will find the SoberRecovery icon of the orange and yellow people figures and then to the right of that, if you click on Forums, you'll find Friends and Families.

Also, there are permanent threads at the top of each forum index page that are called "stickies" because they are of universal interest. You might try reading some of those to learn more about how others have felt and handled situations similar to yours.

ShootingStar1

PaulinaPolitely

You must let go of the new better woman idea. I can be the same way with jealousy/envy, and it is a very dead end. YOU are strong woman and a mother, and sadly right now you believe his lies. You are the mother of his children, and he thinks that by belittling you, and threatening to wipe you out of the picture with a wave of his hand, you'll feel so sad and scared that you'll cower but stick with him.

I agree with others, he doesn't sound safe for you or the kids.

Leave, and if it is meant to be he will seek help and there might be potential there. For the time being, you need to get yourself and your babies safe...

XXX

Sasha4

My ex partner has met someone else.

She has no idea, I doubt about his debts, his inability to provide financially, his selfishness, his horrible family who never, ever helped me and my daughter once. The lies he tells. The secrets he keeps.
I doubt she knows that this is the 3rd time he has done this. Twice to me. Once to his previous partner when they had just had a baby.

I do not envy her at all.
I feel sorry for her.
She thinks she has won because they are together now.

She has not won.
She has signed herself up for a lot of misery and insecurity.

Whenever I feel lonely, or sad, tearful or upset, I think of the future she will have him.
I think of my future too and I am happy he is no longer a part of it.

I am happy that the only person's happiness I am now responsible for my daughter's and my own.

I am delighted I no longer have to worry if he is happy or not.

That is not my concern. Its her concern.

Do you have any close friends who could come and stay with you for a bit until you feel stronger? Could you go back to your family with your children and ask them to look after you while things are bad?

Mags1

Hello Sara, thinking of you xx