EverySngleNight

Just checked.. Day 81. Something is starting to "click". Can't quite put my finger on it. Not too sure what it is... Some of this has been really difficult.

I was having some pretty tough relationship issues in the beginning. Things are so much better. I have hope that things will stay this way and maybe even get better! :-) But, I'll be okay no matter what.

I also buried heavy emotions for so long. It all has a way of popping up when you get sober. I've been riding that tidal wave (barely at times) of "stuff" coming up- and trying to figure out how to handle it. Therapy has helped. (didn't really work when I was drinking.)

My mind is beginning to calm down a bit. Emotions are still there, but are getting easier to handle. I know I have a road ahead of me. But, my confidence is starting to improve. I feel like I'm in this awesome club, of sober people. :-)
Yay for the shiny sober people!!! LOL

My life has been hard. I wasn't dealt a very good hand in the beginning. So much abuse. I've been on my own since I was 16. I don't really have a family. I never really had a mom and dad. (not complaining so much as explaining) Everything has been about survival. Nothing was predictable. The world was a scary place. I've just been in "defense mode" forever. It's all I learned.

Trauma fragments you. That's just how the mind works. I'm getting reintroduced to all of these parts of myself, and so much of who I've learned to be revolves around trying to stay "safe". When stuff is buried so deeply and life has been so nuts, you don't really know yourself- you're just reactive. So you start to peel back the layers, and you have to deal with each part. It has been excruciating at times. Frustrating. Anger inducing. Sad. Terrifying. Alcohol brought me a great deal of relief through numbing me. Even the hangovers kept me distracted from all of that.

The emotional difficulties I've been experiencing are gifts, really. It's part of the journey to being present. You realize "I'm on a hamster wheel." You're running and running, frittering away- but not actually getting anywhere. So now you see it... but damn inertia! You gotta learn to put on the breaks and slow the thing down- but by now, it feels out of control and you don't know how. You don't know anything else. It's scary. ...This analogy is making me laugh. :-)

I started to realize that's what my energy has been like- just spinning and spinning- with no real awareness of myself or what's all around me. I learned to be that way because things had been so chaotic. I never learned to stop or appreciate anything. I didn't think that was safe. All the negative feelings are SO familiar. But the positive ones? I didn't trust them at all. Always on guard, waiting for the other shoe to drop. That's how I thought I had to be- or something terrible would surely happen! The only thing -for a long time- that relieved the stress of living that way was alcohol. I was too afraid to learn any other way.

It just becomes so intrenched in your way of being, you really can't see the forest for the trees. Knowing that and being aware of it, is helpful. But, it does take time to sort it all out and form new habits.

What can I expect from being so certain that "my life is hard", "everything falls apart", "trust no one", "I always screw everything up"? Probably more of the same!! (hey, at least it's predictable, right?)

Could not my life have been harder? Are there not people out there right now, enduring difficulties beyond anything that I could ever imagine? Couldn't I be FAR more screwed up?

I'm here thinking that the sky is falling, utterly failing to feel secure and safe- even with a roof over my head and clothes on my back- having relatively good health, and hopefully many years ahead of me??? Enough! Whoever did whatever to me, that has lead me to this place where I navigate and view the world in such a myopic and dark way- doesn't get to win! Flock that. NO.

Just because I learned to survive that way, doesn't make it okay to keep it up. Maybe it kept me safe before, but not anymore. Now it just steals from me. You know? I didn't intentionally forget to appreciate the good things in my life. I didn't mean to seem ungrateful...

I can step off the wheel. I can be still. I can lift my head and look around. I can be okay with no guarantees. I can be okay with feeling safe. I can believe in myself. I made it through so much- how could I ever think that I'm not _______ enough?

Maybe I'm waking up. Being able to see the little things as the blessings that they are, and feeling seriously grateful for them- brings me a lot of internal peace. It almost feels like happiness. :-) Now I just gotta make it stick!

Slow and steady. Be the turtle!!!!!

Hope everyone has a safe and sober weekend. Thx for reading my day 81 ramblins!

Hevyn

That wasn't ramblin ESN. It all makes so much sense. I'm very sorry for all the miserable things you've been through, but so happy you are having this awakening.

least

Congrats on 81 days sober! You have a good healthy attitude. That will take you far.

neferkamichael

EverySngleNight, 81 days is FANTASTIC, congratulations. Rootin for ya.

Finnie

Loved reading that post. Am on day 50 and you have filled me with hope and desire for my next 30 days.

I need you to know that not only are you making yourself feel better you are inspiring others to feel better and to hang on in there.

EverySngleNight

Thanks everyone. I'm finally starting to feel kinda proud of myself for staying sober. I didn't trust it enough until now. The throws of the AV are becoming fewer, further apart, and less intense. It's nice to feel/see some tangible progress. :-)

I couldn't have imagined this a few months ago. I was really stuck. I'd given up on even trying to quit. I'd failed so much and I thought I was pretty much doomed to the cycle forever. I'm reminded of how I had started to fall asleep crying at night, because I was so desperate to stop, but couldn't see a way out. It got dark... Really really dark. When I caught myself thinking about ending my life, I realized that I needed help.

I'm so glad that I reached out. Going to detox, and then through a rehab program- best thing I've ever done for myself. (so far! :-))

Notmyrealname

Yeah, it's like the classic slow progress situation where you feel like you're going nowhere sometimes but then a few months later you have that "oh wow" moment where you realize you've really come a long way. Good for you.