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Interesting Development (aka, "Damn Sobriety!")

Old 02-20-2014, 07:16 AM
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Interesting Development (aka, "Damn Sobriety!")

Hey all!
Still doing well. In fact, maybe a little too well.
To those who don't know my story, here it is in brief.

I drank a lot. For a good 5 years or so. I'm 38. (yuck!) I was drinking at least 20 shots of vodka a day. No problem either. I didn't like where it was headed. I came here. I saw support (), and I decided to stop that vodka habit. Well it's been... I think 17 days I guess? It's not been a problem.

Anyway, a new development. Drinking would do a good job of separating me from reality. mostly just an ability to accept things the way they are. Giving a sort of "meh" attitude.

Well, now I see everything pretty clearly. And some of this stuff I'm not liking. Like... I could ignore some issue with work before. Now, it's getting on my nerves!

My biggest issue, though... I liked my relationship before. Now, I sometimes feel like I'm being taken advantage of. She's not doing it consciously. It's just starting to feel like the work I do, the grocery shopping, cooking dinner, washing dishes... It's just being taken for granted.

And now that my brain's all up front, BAM. I'm thinking of it rather than losing myself in a spinny buzz.

I just want o say "Yeah, you're tired after getting home from work at 6:30 and I got home at 4:00. but it's because I got up at 5:20, made our lunches, clocked in at work at 6:30, worked close to 10 hours and got home at 4 in time to prepare dinner and have it ready and you got up maybe by 7:30 and got to work by 9:30, maybe, took an hour lunch, and came home." WTF? Why is that going unnoticed! And it's been my routine for over a year. But now? Now I notice.

This was an outlet post. Don't hate me!

Damn sobriety!
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Old 02-20-2014, 07:26 AM
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Why don't you talk to her about your feelings? Lay out how you feel about the chores and such. Explain how you feel taken advantage of.

Congrats on 17 days sober !
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Old 02-20-2014, 07:35 AM
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I'm trying to get up the courage, actually. I just want to make sure I communicate properly. This is not life threatening. I can make sure I do it right. You know, the usual: Avoid accusatory language, make use of "I feel that..." or "It sometinmes seems that..." sentences. I consider myself a good communicator.

Ya know what's a little screwed up? When thinking abotu getting up the courage to have a conversatino liek this, I bet you can guess what's the first thing that comes to mind that might help. Ha!

But still, I don't like fights; I don't like confrontation. And this is just asking for one. So, just gotta be careful...

Thanks for listening!

Oh, and thanks for the congrats. ;-) It feels good.
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Old 02-20-2014, 07:35 AM
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ConfessionBear, I agree with Least. That is exactly what I was thinking would help you. Tell her how you feel in a calm manner. Dont keep it inside and form resentment..you know where that can lead. Be Well.
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Old 02-20-2014, 07:41 AM
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I'll do my best, promise.
Don't worry. At this point, AV is barely a whisper. ;-)
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Old 02-20-2014, 07:44 AM
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17 days. Way to go and with some clarity too. This agreement on who does what chores in a household can be reworked. This can be a testy issue even for normies, so tread with a bit of care. You might want to open with, "Hon, I am happy to make the lunches in the morning for both of us, but I was thinking you could make some crockpot meals once or twice a week, marinate some meat for the grill or would you be open to to handling the weekend meals?"

There could be chores she is doing that you do not even notice. For example, my H helps with the laundry, but he does not swap out the towels and wash those. But he has seen me collecting all the towels to wash and told me, "I just did laundry." Instead of fighting I just pointed out to him laundry is the hamper. When I do laundry, I swap out all the towels too so they are fresh. I don't put a damp towel in the hamper. He had no idea I swap our towels 2-3 times a week. So he was walking around with an attitude that he does ALL the laundry and I was walking around with an attitude that at least on weeks that I was busy, I was still helping with laundry.

You might want to ask her what is important to her. She may be cleaning things that aren't important to you and you don't even notice. Or you may be doing everything...

Good luck.
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Old 02-20-2014, 07:55 AM
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Ha! I really feel like our stories are opposites of the same coin. Just last night I was ranting in my head about how I do EVERYTHING to keep the house and kids running smoothly (seriously, in 3 yrs he's never given them a bath). He has oodles of free time during the day to get work things done, but instead wastes that time and brings the work home. So all night he's on the computer or his phone and I'm still left holding the bag. And before I'd just drink so I wouldn't care anymore, just like you. Sorry, I needed a mini rant I guess!

Anyways. As I was ranting silently I remembered something my therapist told me one time. I have the power to write my own "screenplay". Pretend your life is a movie. Do you want her to come home and ask if she can help with dinner? Ask how your day was? Thank you for packing her lunch? Etc etc. once you have a realistic "screenplay" in your mind, then you have to share it with her. Avoid all the 'you never/always" and instead go with the 'I'd like/I need". Chances are she's not doing it intentionally (I don't know her but the possibility is she's not). We get stuck in our routines and tasks, and asking to change that routine is daunting, I know. I'm planning on having a talk soon with my partner, and the nice thing will be I can do it sober and not end up crying and making a fool of myself.

Good luck, we all deserve to be appreciated
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Old 02-20-2014, 08:11 AM
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Originally Posted by ConfessionBear View Post
Well, now I see everything pretty clearly. And some of this stuff I'm not liking. Like... I could ignore some issue with work before. Now, it's getting on my nerves!
Dealing with life sober. It's what separates abstinence from recovery.
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Old 02-20-2014, 08:17 AM
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Frist of all, Dax, HUGS.

And to both of you, Dax and Code, you've nailed it.

CodeJob, I'm going to take a couple fo days and realyl try to focus on what she's doing. Like I said, I consider myself a good communicator, but I also think I excel at empathy. And that can be a pitfall sometimes, when I think others should just plain be as good at it as I am.

So I'm going to pay some special attention to what she does as well. I'm not going to access my memory, that can be deceiving. I'm just going to watch the next few days or couple of weeks. And try reacting to what she does in the way I'd like her to react to what I do. I feel like I do that... But it's worth it to start over and make sure.

Dax, the screenplay idea is genius. I'm goign to spend a little time focusing ont hatm, too. Reasonably, of course.
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Old 02-20-2014, 08:19 AM
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Confessionbear, well done on 17 days sober Good decision to come here and talk it out rather than having a drink to blur the edges.Seems like you're finding ways to deal with your feelings now instead of masking them. Looks like progress to me.
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Old 02-20-2014, 08:23 AM
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It's kind of ridiculous... I've always been this way (the good, sober way). I'm not sure why I turned into that person for all those years.

But I'm good now, (I hope!) and everything's back to normal. I was a lucky one, really. But in the meantime, while I make sure, I come here every day to browse, "like" and occasionally post.

People who have gone through this sort of stuff (you all) are great lsiteners, too. Just saying.
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Old 02-20-2014, 08:06 PM
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ConfessionBear, I had some of the same things going on early on. I think I felt like when I was drinking, I couldn't really criticize, because I was drinking. When I stopped, I wasn't amused by the patterns I had let develop. I realized I could stop trying to "be good" all the time and just let go of some stuff and let my boyfriend pick up the slack (or not). Now, things are much more "even". We didn't have any big confrontations either-he probably knew he had a good deal before and didn't fight it lol
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Old 02-20-2014, 08:58 PM
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It's very common to get sober and be PO-ed with just about everything.

Here's the thing tho - I must have changed a hundred times in my first 90 days.

I really recommend you wait until you're sure who sober you is and what you like before you go changing stuff on a search and destroy mission lol.

You may regret hasty irritation-driven decisions down the track
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Old 02-21-2014, 07:00 AM
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Dee, yes. Thank you. You're exactly right.

I'm going to give it a good, solid chunk of time. A few months. I could be comlpetely irrational in this thought.
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Old 02-21-2014, 07:11 AM
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Bear, an open and honest talk about the chores will go a long ways, we lacked communication skills before and as we progressed little things piled up into mountains. Now these mountains are beginning to crumble and we see things in a much different light, helping out, letting small things get in our heads. Thats why it is so important to talk about, rather than stuff these feelings. We all know how that works out. After 21 years I still feel relieved after a talk about whats bothering me or my Significant other. Congrats and keep up the good work
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Old 02-21-2014, 07:16 AM
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these sound like pretty typical challenges in any committed, co-habiting relationship.

It was easier to ignore or shove aside those challenges when we slurped them down with a big gulp of vodka..... but when we are sober and present, they are there to be dealt with.

Here's the thing; it's not about HER. It's not about YOU...... it's nobody's "fault".... this is the stuff of life and the challenge (as well as the glorious opportunity) - is to learn to communicate and cooperate and work together through those challenges.

And that's how relationships deepen......

EASIER. SAID. THAN. DONE.

But having been in two failed marriages for a total of over 18 years of committed co-habiting relationships..... as well as thousands of hours of counseling.... I've learned some stuff.



Good luck and hang in there. I'd advise patience and communication and self-care and maybe some counseling for yourself to start with.... sobriety brings on a lot of new twists.

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