has anyone worked the 12 steps without a sponsor?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: New Hampshire
Posts: 377
has anyone worked the 12 steps without a sponsor?
I know, that is what a sponsor is for, but I am going to come right out and say it, I do not want a sponsor. End of story, so please do not try to sway me. I am going to go back to AA and have found some really great stuff online, worksheets, etc. about the 12 steps. I have some great AA friends for support to help me this time around, but I will take what I can and leave the rest. I do not believe in a lot that AA preaches but I like the fellowship and will work it into MY program.
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 16,945
You have asked this question here before Anchor, and frankly I doubt you are going to get a different answer this time around.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...right-now.html
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...right-now.html
Forum Leader
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 16,945
Originally Posted by anchorbird 
Maybe I should just look into getting finding a better fit in a sponsor.
You have posted before that you like AA and the meetings and the people, why not just find a sponsor that you like too?
Grateful to be free
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Arizona
Posts: 3,680
yes, people can and have. I have no idea if that is the answer for you.
the steps are basic spiritual practices that people have known and followed for thousands of years, and some of them without a formal sponsor, but even in purely spiritual and personal growth terms many people find a spiritual director, coach, or mentor a powerful help in any growth process.
Some people find the increased anonymity of an online/phone/long distance sponsor actually helps them. Others prefer a face to face, hands on approach.
I think a good start is to look at why we feel as we do about sponsorship. What experiences or aspect is making us feel as we do. Because in the end having a sponsor does us no good if we cannot work with one. Or will not work with one, or cannot be honest with one.
I found that having a long distance sponsor worked better for me because then we were only ever focused on working the program. There was no outside drama brought in be what was going on in the rooms or any issues with outside relationships. they didn't know my people, I didn't know their people, I was more able to be honest and feel free to talk frankly etc.
This is a good thing, because I then ended up moving to a place with no meetings.
I really do think it has to do with us being totally honest about our issues with sponsorship. If we are avoiding a sponsor so we can be dishonest, cut corners, or work the steps our own way..then we are only hurting ourselves.
the steps are basic spiritual practices that people have known and followed for thousands of years, and some of them without a formal sponsor, but even in purely spiritual and personal growth terms many people find a spiritual director, coach, or mentor a powerful help in any growth process.
Some people find the increased anonymity of an online/phone/long distance sponsor actually helps them. Others prefer a face to face, hands on approach.
I think a good start is to look at why we feel as we do about sponsorship. What experiences or aspect is making us feel as we do. Because in the end having a sponsor does us no good if we cannot work with one. Or will not work with one, or cannot be honest with one.
I found that having a long distance sponsor worked better for me because then we were only ever focused on working the program. There was no outside drama brought in be what was going on in the rooms or any issues with outside relationships. they didn't know my people, I didn't know their people, I was more able to be honest and feel free to talk frankly etc.
This is a good thing, because I then ended up moving to a place with no meetings.
I really do think it has to do with us being totally honest about our issues with sponsorship. If we are avoiding a sponsor so we can be dishonest, cut corners, or work the steps our own way..then we are only hurting ourselves.
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: ohio
Posts: 3,615
Good for you, anchor! Take what you want and leave the rest, that about sums it up. As long as what we choose to take keeps us sober 
. It took me three years to find a sponsor I clicked with. It's not the easiest process in the world. That said, I hardly ever go to a meeting, so I think you will find someone much faster than me!
I couldn't get through steps without a sponsor. I continue to chuckle at the ways I found to make this process far more laborious than it needs to be when I was trying on my own. Find a good one, trust your gut. You'll be fine.
. It took me three years to find a sponsor I clicked with. It's not the easiest process in the world. That said, I hardly ever go to a meeting, so I think you will find someone much faster than me! I couldn't get through steps without a sponsor. I continue to chuckle at the ways I found to make this process far more laborious than it needs to be when I was trying on my own. Find a good one, trust your gut. You'll be fine.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Posts: 233
Just stumbled across this thread. I have a friend in my Tuesday Lifering group who goes to AA and has for years (and often recommends AA for folks in our Lifering group). I was surprised to find after I got to know him that he has never used a sponsor - said he has never felt he wanted one or needed one. He has been sober for over six years.
So, the "take what you want and leave the rest" approach is sometimes very wide-ranging in AA. When you drill down, I suspect there's probably very, very few successfully sober addicts / alcoholics who do 12-steps who don't adapt the approach in often very profound ways to make it work for them. People are individuals. One size rarely fits all.
-DrS
So, the "take what you want and leave the rest" approach is sometimes very wide-ranging in AA. When you drill down, I suspect there's probably very, very few successfully sober addicts / alcoholics who do 12-steps who don't adapt the approach in often very profound ways to make it work for them. People are individuals. One size rarely fits all.
-DrS
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 10,912
I've only been to a few meetings and have not chosen a sponsor so far, so probably not the best person to give advice - I do have a preliminary opinion, though.
The main question is: what are your goals with getting involved in AA? Of course, to be sober... but there is more than that. For example, when I got interested in AA a few weeks ago, I was already over 2 months sober, and did not feel I would need AA primarily to stay away from drinking. My motivation is much more similar to many other interests I've had in my life: basically I've been interested in all sorts of spiritual systems, philosophies, finding meaning and purpose in life, ethics, etc etc as far as I can remember. A seeker kind of person somehow by nature it seems. Even drinking did not eliminate this from me, just made it very twisted, convoluted, delusional and dysfunctional. But now back into it, happily
So for me right now my interest in AA is similar to my interest in buddhism, or moral philosophies. This, plus wanting to be around people who have been though real life addiction experiences, discuss these, etc. So basically I'm interested in the 12-step program, but don't feel I've found "my place" to start on it yet.
I do like the idea of the sponsor, though, and I like it exactly because by default I don't like it much... if that makes sense. I've had lots of problems with authority in my life. In other words, I think it's a good idea for me, because it might help me progress further with learning how to surrender, accept external guidance, and use it. But I do need to get out of my comfort zone in order to be able to even start on all this. Do you think some of your ideas about not wanting guidance might have similar roots?
I would say, try whatever you are interested in and find helpful. Another great advantage of having external guidance is to have more unbiased feedback on our progress. To me, it's a similar idea to having any spiritual guide in other types of spiritual systems and journeys. I remember when I first got interested in meditation years ago, initially I thought I could learn it by myself. Well, not easy. Then tried to attend workshops, and for a good while could not find any method and teacher that truly clicked... until one day I came across a particular person's work by reading up on it online and then reading his books - and suddenly I felt like being in a familiar world and quite at home. I attended some group retreats with him as guide, and they were seriously some of the best experiences and "vacations" I'd had. So I found "my method" and a teacher that works very very well for me. Unfortunately the recent 1-2 years at the end of my drinking kept me away from these practices also, but I'm getting back into it again slowly and plan on attending more retreats with this teacher in the future. Although his teachings bear a very high level of natural familiarity with me (I think we just really think alike), but I could have never figured out all that by myself.
So maybe AA will be similar, I'm not sure yet. Again, I suggest that you go ahead and explore, do it alone first if that's more appealing, then change approach as you see fit.
The main question is: what are your goals with getting involved in AA? Of course, to be sober... but there is more than that. For example, when I got interested in AA a few weeks ago, I was already over 2 months sober, and did not feel I would need AA primarily to stay away from drinking. My motivation is much more similar to many other interests I've had in my life: basically I've been interested in all sorts of spiritual systems, philosophies, finding meaning and purpose in life, ethics, etc etc as far as I can remember. A seeker kind of person somehow by nature it seems. Even drinking did not eliminate this from me, just made it very twisted, convoluted, delusional and dysfunctional. But now back into it, happily
So for me right now my interest in AA is similar to my interest in buddhism, or moral philosophies. This, plus wanting to be around people who have been though real life addiction experiences, discuss these, etc. So basically I'm interested in the 12-step program, but don't feel I've found "my place" to start on it yet.
I do like the idea of the sponsor, though, and I like it exactly because by default I don't like it much... if that makes sense. I've had lots of problems with authority in my life. In other words, I think it's a good idea for me, because it might help me progress further with learning how to surrender, accept external guidance, and use it. But I do need to get out of my comfort zone in order to be able to even start on all this. Do you think some of your ideas about not wanting guidance might have similar roots?
I would say, try whatever you are interested in and find helpful. Another great advantage of having external guidance is to have more unbiased feedback on our progress. To me, it's a similar idea to having any spiritual guide in other types of spiritual systems and journeys. I remember when I first got interested in meditation years ago, initially I thought I could learn it by myself. Well, not easy. Then tried to attend workshops, and for a good while could not find any method and teacher that truly clicked... until one day I came across a particular person's work by reading up on it online and then reading his books - and suddenly I felt like being in a familiar world and quite at home. I attended some group retreats with him as guide, and they were seriously some of the best experiences and "vacations" I'd had. So I found "my method" and a teacher that works very very well for me. Unfortunately the recent 1-2 years at the end of my drinking kept me away from these practices also, but I'm getting back into it again slowly and plan on attending more retreats with this teacher in the future. Although his teachings bear a very high level of natural familiarity with me (I think we just really think alike), but I could have never figured out all that by myself.
So maybe AA will be similar, I'm not sure yet. Again, I suggest that you go ahead and explore, do it alone first if that's more appealing, then change approach as you see fit.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 3,359
The sponsor is the not the problem. The need for you to be different, special is all part of the malady. This is why The step suggest service. Addict want a short cut and easy fix. Everything has to be different.
To answer your question, yes a sponsor is not required. In fact, steps one through three are done alone anyhow. A sponsor is to guide. But your motives are what I would take a stronger examination of.
To answer your question, yes a sponsor is not required. In fact, steps one through three are done alone anyhow. A sponsor is to guide. But your motives are what I would take a stronger examination of.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Miami, FL
Posts: 1,701
There is a variety of opinions on this but like jdooner I was taught that you do the first three steps on your own and do the fourth with a sponsor.
It might be helpful to ask what a sponsor would do with you on those first steps to see if it might be useful. It has never been clear to me what a sponsor would do in relation to steps one to three--but it could be something you find helpful, so why not ask?
It might be helpful to ask what a sponsor would do with you on those first steps to see if it might be useful. It has never been clear to me what a sponsor would do in relation to steps one to three--but it could be something you find helpful, so why not ask?
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Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: MA
Posts: 8
No where in the first 164 pages of the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous does it tell the newcomer or any other member of A.A. to get a sponsor.
The reason I have a sponsor is because he helps keep me accountable and when i came into the halls, i was ready to go to any lengths to stay sober. It was suggested that i get a sponsor ASAP. I did what was suggested to me by people with lots of clean time. Get a sponsor,get active in a group. That is what was SUGGESTED and i wanted to stay sober ,so i did what i had to !!!
The reason I have a sponsor is because he helps keep me accountable and when i came into the halls, i was ready to go to any lengths to stay sober. It was suggested that i get a sponsor ASAP. I did what was suggested to me by people with lots of clean time. Get a sponsor,get active in a group. That is what was SUGGESTED and i wanted to stay sober ,so i did what i had to !!!
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