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-   -   Day 3. Self loathing. (https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/newcomers-recovery/323375-day-3-self-loathing.html)

Mrrryah1 02-19-2014 07:23 AM

Day 3. Self loathing.
 
Well I'm feeling okay today - physically. Cold sweats all night, but they were less than the night before, so that's a good thing.

Mentally I am feeling a little bit overwhelmed. I could compare it to "5 different radio stations being on in my head, all playing something different. None of it good." Just racing mind racing thoughts and tons of negative self talk.

Emotionally I am feeling - a little depressed I guess, but mostly just empty. My mind is racing and too busy for me to feel any emotions.

I guess I'm happy to be making an effort to stay sober again. Yesterday I was questioning whether or not I was really doing it for myself though. My partner basically threatened that if I don't stay sober for good - he's gone. And we just bought a home together, we have a puppy, all of our finances are intertwined, I do love him, he's a great guy, he treats me like gold, etc. etc…. but I know that if I'm only doing this for him it's not going to be lasting. I need to be doing it for me. I need to want it for myself. That much I know… but….

It's hard to want something for yourself when you genuinly feel like you deserve to die for the way you've been living and treating people your entire life. I'm not trying to be dramatic. I don’t think anybody else on SR should die for the things they've done in their alcoholism. I only feel that way about myself, and it's hard to change that feeling. When I think about the way I've been living for the majority of my life, the hurt and pain and confusion that I've caused my family and the people that care about me, I just feel like a waste of life.

One thing that brings me reassurance when I start thinking that way though… I think back to when I was a little kid. Before the drinking. When I was innocent. I was a daddy's girl, and I loved my family dearly. I liked to play the piano and I liked to learn and go to school. I was passionate about animals and I didn't like to see other kids get bullied.

I know that little girl isn't a bad person. I know that little girl is still inside of me somewhere. That's the person that god/the universe/whatever intended me to be - pure & good. Not this other thing I've become, full of hatred and rage and self pity and resentment.

Anyways. I am just hoping that through staying sober, working the steps and helping other people, I will start to care about myself again. I will start to feel like a decent human being again. I will start to want this for myself, again.

I'll take another 24 and pass it on. Xo.

GreenEggsAndHam 02-19-2014 07:30 AM


Originally Posted by Mrrryah1 (Post 4480944)
It's hard to want something for yourself when you genuinly feel like you deserve to die for the way you've been living and treating people your entire life. I'm not trying to be dramatic. I don’t think anybody else on SR should die for the things they've done in their alcoholism. I only feel that way about myself, and it's hard to change that feeling. When I think about the way I've been living for the majority of my life, the hurt and pain and confusion that I've caused my family and the people that care about me, I just feel like a waste of life.

That's the person that god/the universe/whatever intended me to be - pure & good. Not this other thing I've become, full of hatred and rage and self pity and resentment.

Anyways. I am just hoping that through staying sober, working the steps and helping other people, I will start to care about myself again. I will start to feel like a decent human being again. I will start to want this for myself, again.

I can relate to all of this that I quoted. The guilt...so much guilt. Anger, resentment, you name it. I'm not going to make excuses for my behavior, but a lot of the things I've done have been the sickness or the alcohol. I chose to drink so I take responsibility, but I'm not a bad person. I've just done some bad things as a result of my addiction. Be gentle with yourself. Comfort yourself the way you would a dear friend. I know it's not easy but try to.

Anna 02-19-2014 07:41 AM

We all deserve to have a good life, and that was something I had to come to terms with, too. I sabotaged my recovery time and again because I my self-esteem was so low. Try to stay positive, and be proud of your sober time.

Mrrryah1 02-19-2014 08:12 AM


Originally Posted by Anna (Post 4480971)
We all deserve to have a good life, and that was something I had to come to terms with, too. I sabotaged my recovery time and again because I my self-esteem was so low. Try to stay positive, and be proud of your sober time.

Anna - how did you eventually stop sabotaging your recovery? That's exactly where I am at.

Nonsensical 02-19-2014 08:25 AM


Originally Posted by Mrrryah1 (Post 4480944)
Mentally I am feeling a little bit overwhelmed. I could compare it to "5 different radio stations being on in my head, all playing something different. None of it good." Just racing mind racing thoughts and tons of negative self talk.

I know that sensation. There is a committee in my head. One faction wants me to live a happy sober life. The other faction will tell me anything, ANYTHING to get me to drink again:
You're worthless (so it doesn't matter)
No one loves you (so it doesn't matter)
Life is sh!t (so it doesn't matter)
Next time will be different
Just be careful next time, you weren't careful and that's why we had trouble
Just buy 3


It took me 25 years to figure out that the addicted faction lies. All of it. Every word. Lies.

When I was a boy my grandparents owned a farm. Heavy machinery and trees to climb on. Animals to see and smell. Grandma was always baking something. It was a wondrous place to visit. Always new things to see.

Last year I stopped listening to the opinions of the liar living in my head. The world is wondrous again.

You can do this. :ring

Dee74 02-19-2014 01:19 PM

I had to cut it down to basics Mrrryah1.

If you can only have faith in one thing, that thing should be that things will get better if you don't drink.

I clung to that belief through cravings, self loathing, crises, good times, and I beat back those self sabotage ideas that I knew would lead me into close proximity to a drink or drinkers....and things did get better.

Don't drink - it's simple...but not easy.

You're not alone tho - you can do this :)

D

opentorecieve 02-19-2014 01:28 PM

Myyy, wow your post has me bawling. What you mentioned about that little girl inside. I remember her too. I see her every once and awhile (when I'm clean). I miss her. I watch my son and I mourn her. There are those that have loved me addicted and those that have loved me pre-addiction. Those that love me addicted never say things like "what happened to the girl I knew?" That **** hurts so bad. I don't know where I'm going with this just know you are not alone. What I do know for sure is this. Being clean brings me closer to that girl. I'll never be her again, nor do I want to be. I have morphed. Sobriety helps me morph into someone even better than before.

least 02-19-2014 02:00 PM

Of course you're feeling crappy. You're right in the middle of withdrawal and that sucks. But rest assured, if you stay sober and work on loving yourself, you will become that little girl again. :hug:

Do it for that little girl. :)

Tiptree 02-19-2014 03:33 PM

I'm at 150 days sober. This is not supposed to be, or so I thought 151 days ago. At that time I knew I would always be drinking till I was too old or sick, or dead, and would look and feel like s*** until that time. Well, something clicked. Really got disgusted with it all. Admitted to myself that I just can't have that first drink. But how to live without? Habits had to change, and it doesn't happen overnight, or even in a month. And it's not easy. But no matter, I am happier now than I've been in my entire adult life. I am just beginning to find that little girl again. She's still there. Do I still miss drinking? Sometimes, but I can think it through to the painful, ugly end, and look in the mirror and smile back at that person. I couldn't stop drinking for anyone else except myself. I hope you will try sobriety and experience this as well :)

CuteNGayYay 02-19-2014 03:36 PM

I totally related to your post talking about the younger you before the drinking. Thanks for your share and good job on 3 days :)

Hevyn 02-19-2014 04:30 PM

A poignant post, and I relate too Mrrryah. I definitely allowed sadness over the past to keep me drinking for many years. Each time I'd start to rise above the misery I'd let my thoughts take over and hold me down, preventing recovery.

Being here and talking the way we are now - that's what helped me let go of the negativity and reach out for the beautiful life I still have left. None of us intentionally hurt and disappointed others. It would be tragic if you allowed past behavior to dictate what is yet to be. That old misery will fade away - please stop looking in the rearview mirror. :hug:

IWillWin 02-19-2014 04:37 PM

Ahhhh...the infamous and dreaded day 3.

You know it gets better. And when the fog lifts, give that little girl another chance at life. Except with all the wisdom, power and experience she will now have as a result of your growth. You may not like the person you have been while drinking, but that person can also serve as a very useful learning tool to be better and be stronger.

You can do this. And your little girl can be you again - version 2.0.

lisatrying 02-19-2014 06:22 PM

Myrrrh someone told me that he carries a around photo of himself as a little boy in his wallet all the time. And that he thinks about that little boy and how that little boy deserves to be treated, and how he needs to be looked after. And he says that really helps him. I have considered doing it too.

Day 3 is an absolute shocker. I had no desire to stay stopped at any of my day threes. Finally I gave my mum my car keys and all my money and cards for a whole month. I just knew my cravings were too strong, and my mind too warped for me to trust myself to not give in. I would keep giving in.

Anyway I am now almost at 7 months. I have shocked myself. You can do this, even if like me right now at day 3 you don't particularly want to.

Rehab could be like giving your keys away was for me. Good luck :)


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