Reaching Out....finally.
Pretty Is As Pretty Does
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: Edmonton Alberta
Posts: 82
Reaching Out....finally.
Hello Everyone,
My name is Christine and I'm new to this place. I have a hard time expressing myself through words, so this is difficult for me. My brain is full of so much "stuff", too much. I just sit silent hoping it will all go away. I figure if I don't acknowledge anything verbally or in writing it just won't "be".
I'm an alcoholic, I guess. For whatever reason I'm continually trying to convince myself I'm not. But I suppose last night would be a good indication that I am. Today will be my first day of sobriety, I think, I hope, I pray. I've had so many "first" days I feel nothing but a failure.
How can a person continue to do this to themselves, I just don't get it. I've lost my licence AGAIN do to drinking and driving. I'm looking at jail time unless I get sober, get counselling. I want all that, I'm doing what I need to be doing, but it seems to be driving me more into the bottle. Why? I think I know why. I'm being forced to take a good long hard look at my life and myself personally. All my pain from my childhood and this and that, I don't need to get into all that stuff, but it's all up in my face now and I'm not coping very well. Obviously, I drank again last night. And it's even getting worse, my coping. I'm starting to eat out of control when I'm alone too. Both booze and food. It's really ridiculous and so strange, weird, studip.
All I know for sure it that I want a different life. I don't want to fail anymore. So I'm reaching out, I'm doing something different, by coming here. Thanks.
Christine
My name is Christine and I'm new to this place. I have a hard time expressing myself through words, so this is difficult for me. My brain is full of so much "stuff", too much. I just sit silent hoping it will all go away. I figure if I don't acknowledge anything verbally or in writing it just won't "be".
I'm an alcoholic, I guess. For whatever reason I'm continually trying to convince myself I'm not. But I suppose last night would be a good indication that I am. Today will be my first day of sobriety, I think, I hope, I pray. I've had so many "first" days I feel nothing but a failure.
How can a person continue to do this to themselves, I just don't get it. I've lost my licence AGAIN do to drinking and driving. I'm looking at jail time unless I get sober, get counselling. I want all that, I'm doing what I need to be doing, but it seems to be driving me more into the bottle. Why? I think I know why. I'm being forced to take a good long hard look at my life and myself personally. All my pain from my childhood and this and that, I don't need to get into all that stuff, but it's all up in my face now and I'm not coping very well. Obviously, I drank again last night. And it's even getting worse, my coping. I'm starting to eat out of control when I'm alone too. Both booze and food. It's really ridiculous and so strange, weird, studip.
All I know for sure it that I want a different life. I don't want to fail anymore. So I'm reaching out, I'm doing something different, by coming here. Thanks.
Christine
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,501
Hi Christine,
It does sound like you're running away from your feelings. Lots of us, me included, have many painful memories that we don't want to deal with. And, I did what you're doing. I ignored my feelings for years and when I couldn't ignore them any longer I used alcohol. And the idea of being sober and really dealing with things is scary. But, you wouldn't believe how liberating and wonderful it feels. Because you can deal with the 'stuff', let it go, learn from it and move on. When you don't deal with it, it just sits there.
You've come to a great place for support and understanding. Hang in there and take small steps and move forward!
Love, Anna
It does sound like you're running away from your feelings. Lots of us, me included, have many painful memories that we don't want to deal with. And, I did what you're doing. I ignored my feelings for years and when I couldn't ignore them any longer I used alcohol. And the idea of being sober and really dealing with things is scary. But, you wouldn't believe how liberating and wonderful it feels. Because you can deal with the 'stuff', let it go, learn from it and move on. When you don't deal with it, it just sits there.
You've come to a great place for support and understanding. Hang in there and take small steps and move forward!
Love, Anna
New and Unsure
Join Date: May 2004
Location: phoenix az
Posts: 191
Hi Christine, I can realate. I used to make my feeling and emotions go away. It was a awy to make it go away or at least not hurt as much. But thought recovrey I have really learned how to give things over to my HP and once that is done they dont hurt me anymore.
You might want to start a journal. I know you are not good with you words but the journal dosnt have to make sence to anyone but you. It is a good way to get out what you are thinking and feeling.
Good luck to you and I look forward to chating with you more.
(((hugs)))
You might want to start a journal. I know you are not good with you words but the journal dosnt have to make sence to anyone but you. It is a good way to get out what you are thinking and feeling.
Good luck to you and I look forward to chating with you more.
(((hugs)))
Member
Join Date: May 2003
Location: El Paso, Tx
Posts: 5,862
Welcome Christine!
Above all you have to want this for yourself, not because of circumstance, but because your done with it, fed up, had the last hoorah. We're a great means of support and friendship. We all have different stories, but the same problem, addiction. So hop on the bus with us, join us on the adventure, sobriety is the greatest gift I've given myself, I hope you will agree in time. *hugs*
Above all you have to want this for yourself, not because of circumstance, but because your done with it, fed up, had the last hoorah. We're a great means of support and friendship. We all have different stories, but the same problem, addiction. So hop on the bus with us, join us on the adventure, sobriety is the greatest gift I've given myself, I hope you will agree in time. *hugs*
Member
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: SAN FRANCISCO CA,
Posts: 18
Welcome
Hi Christina
Well thats great ! you sound like you might have made a big step in the right
direction if you have a problum and you want help GET TO A MEETING !!!!
I no, I made the decission to stop many many times buit I guess just making a decission was only the first step next I had to get some help
(I just couldnt do it on my own) Hey and everyone needs support so I got some by going to meetings
I realy wish you Luck Christina
you can do this girl
But get some support :tri
dansanaddict
Well thats great ! you sound like you might have made a big step in the right
direction if you have a problum and you want help GET TO A MEETING !!!!
I no, I made the decission to stop many many times buit I guess just making a decission was only the first step next I had to get some help
(I just couldnt do it on my own) Hey and everyone needs support so I got some by going to meetings
I realy wish you Luck Christina
you can do this girl
But get some support :tri
dansanaddict
Little Girl Found
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: North Andover, MA
Posts: 567
Welcome Christine! I'm new to this place too, and although I haven't been here that long...the encouragement and support that these people have already shown is tremendous! You've come to a very great place, and as Chy stated, even though our stories are different we're all struggling with the same thing--addiction. That in and of itself bonds people together like nothing else that I've experienced. A lot of people, like yourself, have a hard time expressing their emotions. I've only been going to face-to-face AA meetings for a little over a week, and I still have issues with talking. I know that with time, it will subside...but for right now--SR is a wonderful outlet to express myself in ways that I can't really do in front of people right now. So, I hope to get to "know" you better and keep posting!
Danielle
Danielle
Member
Join Date: Sep 2003
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 763
Hi Christine and Squirrelly, Welcome to this site. You will find/already have found much help, I am sure.
As for speaking at meetings, I think I hold the record for most time spent before I said a word...About 2 years, I think. But one can learn much by just relaxing and listening.
Hugs, Gianna
As for speaking at meetings, I think I hold the record for most time spent before I said a word...About 2 years, I think. But one can learn much by just relaxing and listening.
Hugs, Gianna
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Never, Never land
Posts: 2,851
Hi Christine and Squirelly,
Welcome to SR.It's a great place to find love and support. I use it as an addition to my program of recovery. Like everyone here has said, Go to a meeting. Nothing beats that face 2 face connection or a hug.
Laurie D
Welcome to SR.It's a great place to find love and support. I use it as an addition to my program of recovery. Like everyone here has said, Go to a meeting. Nothing beats that face 2 face connection or a hug.
Laurie D
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: The Mohave Desert
Posts: 2,306
Hi Christine...
Take a good, long hard look at your life and where alcohol has taken you.
Only you know when you are truly sick and tired of being sick and tired.
I pray that time is now...
Hey there is a women's meeting here on Thursday (tommorow) evening.
It would be great if you could come.
If you have any ?'s, just send me a pm (persoanl Message)
Kellie, a grateful recovering addict to alcohol.
Take a good, long hard look at your life and where alcohol has taken you.
Only you know when you are truly sick and tired of being sick and tired.
I pray that time is now...
Hey there is a women's meeting here on Thursday (tommorow) evening.
It would be great if you could come.
If you have any ?'s, just send me a pm (persoanl Message)
Kellie, a grateful recovering addict to alcohol.
Pretty Is As Pretty Does
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: Edmonton Alberta
Posts: 82
Let The Sun Shine In...
Good Morning All!
I went to a lunch hour meeting yesterday and I will go to one again today. I've been slipping in and out of AA for 5 years. The one thing that frustrated me that was everytime I went to a meeting all I heard was how great the program was and how it's helped so many people and to just work the program. My question was always, well how do you work this program? I never understood or really knew what to do. Ya, admitted I was powerless, came to believe, made a decision, ya ya ya. But I never really got it, understood it.
Since the middle of May I have been going to meeting regularally, like 2-3 a week, if that's regular enough. But still hearing the same things. I was getting frustrated, plus I didn't have a sponsor and I didn't know how to get one. There's a Nooner Meeting that I have been going to and there is a person there that has been saying deep, meaningful things. I could really relate and it was like he was speaking right to me. I know that women should really have women sponsors but this gentleman was different and I knew that. So I got up the nerve after yesterdays meeting and asked if he'd be my sponsor. He hesitated and mentioned that same thing I knew, about male and females relations in AA. But he said in his 15 plus years of sobriety he has sponsored 3 women and that he would help me.
We sat for 2 and half hours and he took me through page 58, paragraph by paragraph, word by word. He gave me so much insight, so much understanding. He also took me through my first 3 steps, word by word, and even more words that aren't even written in the book. This man has a world of knowledge. I had a few "ah ha" moments in there. I'm going to start step 4 and then I'm going to do step 5 with my sponsor. My biggest fear has not being doing step 4, it's been step 5. Having to admit all my wrongs to another human being. Oh my god, the humiliation, the shame I didn't think I could do it. But I know that my sponsor is a "human being" not a "human animal" and I can trust him. I've ran away from everything in my life with booze when the tough got tougher. I turned into a runaway train. I don't want to see/be the train wreck. I'm going to face these demons head on and let them go.
I've never known the real Christine, the Christine I was born to be. I want to meet her, I think she'd be a great friend. I can't wait to know her.
I get it now. What I need to do. What a day. What a wonderful day.
I went to a lunch hour meeting yesterday and I will go to one again today. I've been slipping in and out of AA for 5 years. The one thing that frustrated me that was everytime I went to a meeting all I heard was how great the program was and how it's helped so many people and to just work the program. My question was always, well how do you work this program? I never understood or really knew what to do. Ya, admitted I was powerless, came to believe, made a decision, ya ya ya. But I never really got it, understood it.
Since the middle of May I have been going to meeting regularally, like 2-3 a week, if that's regular enough
. But still hearing the same things. I was getting frustrated, plus I didn't have a sponsor and I didn't know how to get one. There's a Nooner Meeting that I have been going to and there is a person there that has been saying deep, meaningful things. I could really relate and it was like he was speaking right to me. I know that women should really have women sponsors but this gentleman was different and I knew that. So I got up the nerve after yesterdays meeting and asked if he'd be my sponsor. He hesitated and mentioned that same thing I knew, about male and females relations in AA. But he said in his 15 plus years of sobriety he has sponsored 3 women and that he would help me.We sat for 2 and half hours and he took me through page 58, paragraph by paragraph, word by word. He gave me so much insight, so much understanding. He also took me through my first 3 steps, word by word, and even more words that aren't even written in the book. This man has a world of knowledge. I had a few "ah ha" moments in there. I'm going to start step 4 and then I'm going to do step 5 with my sponsor. My biggest fear has not being doing step 4, it's been step 5. Having to admit all my wrongs to another human being. Oh my god, the humiliation, the shame I didn't think I could do it. But I know that my sponsor is a "human being" not a "human animal" and I can trust him. I've ran away from everything in my life with booze when the tough got tougher. I turned into a runaway train. I don't want to see/be the train wreck. I'm going to face these demons head on and let them go.
I've never known the real Christine, the Christine I was born to be. I want to meet her, I think she'd be a great friend. I can't wait to know her.
I get it now. What I need to do. What a day. What a wonderful day.
Member
Join Date: May 2003
Location: El Paso, Tx
Posts: 5,862
I would just like to say a sponsor is key in working the program. That's why we have them, they show us how to work the steps and learn to believe in our abilities in doing so. But I really would like to suggest you find a female sponsor. Women should stay with women and men with men.... think about it this way, when it comes time to do your 4th and 5th step which are extremly personal, will you be comfortable sharing all those intimate details with a man?
Pretty Is As Pretty Does
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: Edmonton Alberta
Posts: 82
One more thing.....
I've always felt I would be losing something by having to give up drinking FOREVER. I was embarrased about it, mad, unsure, whatever. Dennis my sponsor told me, "Christine this isn't a punishment, it will be a burden taken away from you." WELL HOLY MOLY, NO KIDDING. What an insight. He is so right, this burden can go. I will gladly say "I don't drink" anywhere, any time and hold my head high and be proud about it.
I've always felt I would be losing something by having to give up drinking FOREVER. I was embarrased about it, mad, unsure, whatever. Dennis my sponsor told me, "Christine this isn't a punishment, it will be a burden taken away from you." WELL HOLY MOLY, NO KIDDING. What an insight. He is so right, this burden can go. I will gladly say "I don't drink" anywhere, any time and hold my head high and be proud about it.
Pretty Is As Pretty Does
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: Edmonton Alberta
Posts: 82
Thanks for the thought. Mr. D (I'll referr to my sponsor), said he can recommend a female sponosor for me for the long haul. But for know I'm grateful to have met him and he was there to help me.
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