Gakx

I started as a drug addict and switched over to alcohol about 10 years ago. I have had more sobriety in that time vs drinking time. I spent my drinking time by myself at home.

I grew up being abused and it has lead to abusive relationships, like a sick perversion. Depression has been a major issue since I was a child, so I eventually turned to drugs for relief. Because of my past experiences, I have trust issues with people and it has lead to me being alone with no one in my life.

I was sober for 3 years and followed everything that AA suggests: changing my life for the better, getting a sponser, constant meetings, etc. I was on antidepressants and saw a therapist. I did everything but I never found happiness in my sobriety so I started drinking again. I sobered up again for another year and pushed to improve my life more with little results. Still no friends, work sucks, I am alone...things almost seem hopeless for me no matter what I do.

So, December 2013, I relapsed for a a month but I'm back on track now. The only reasons I can find to stay sober is that it will save me money and I don't have the shakes all day till I drink again. My sobriety has been very disheartening every time. I see posts from people who are already happy after a few days of sobriety and I want that. It has been 32 days and I am dedicated. I just don't know what else to do to find happiness or is it my fate to be depressed forever? I need advice, suggestions, anything...

Raider

32 days. Whoooo Hooooo. That's happiness Baby! Twerking naked in my living room for ya'!!!!

Dee74

Hi Gakx

I thought depression was part of who I was. I'd been depressed as far back as I could remember being a teenager and then adult....

But this time, getting sober something changed.

I started building a sober life, one that reflected the real me that was emerging...not merely trying to fit into my old drinking one...

I went to doctors and to counsellors and together, with a lot of trial and error and dead ends, I made some headway on some long held baggage.

It wasn't a quick process but it was a steady one.

I hate a life I loved, and a sense of purpose. I still had down days but somehow they mattered less as time went on - I began to see them as an aberration, not the norm.

I guess what I'm saying is don;t give up. Everyone deserves happiness, and even though it may take a little while, I feel confident you can find it gakx

D

matt4x4

Drugs and booze are exactly the same thing. Alcohol is a drug. So have you tried working all 12 steps in order as suggested out of the Big Book. Or are you just attending meetings talking the talk and not walking the talk. I remember I was where you are now. I was attending meetings, a lot of meetings, everyday, multiple meetings a day. I got the gist of the lingo and I could spout off some good talk that some people would even thank me for at the end of the meeting. But when the meeting was over and everyone was in their car headed home, I sat in my car sad, lonely. I didnt work any of the steps. None. But I talked a good game and thats how I treated it, like a game. I started to get happy, started to get friends, close friends when i started to work all the 12 steps and not pick and choose which ones I liked and which ones I didnt like. I found a host of friends actually. And when I finished all 12 steps, I started to get sponsees. I had a service position in my group. I helped out where ever I could. I helped other members of the group with their service work, if they couldnt get pamphlets or meeting lists, I was the go-to man. I showed up early, made coffee, cleaned up the room, stocked the kleenex and sugar cubes, and coffee mate and stir sticks. Then after awhile women were starting to smile at me when I was working the 12 steps outside of the rooms. I started to date again. This program offers everything you could ever hope for, and more. Just one condition, I must follow a few simple suggestion (the steps). It is suggested that you pull the strap that lets out the parachute when you jump out of the plane.

FeelingGreat

Hi Gakx, I really relate to this. I hoped that sobriety would help with constant low-level depression but it hasn't. I'm not relapsing because it's made a big difference to my self-esteem, and I don't want to go back to hating myself for drinking.
One thing that struck me in your post was that although you've relapsed before, you still come back to sobriety. To me that indicates that despite your past you have a part of you that's strong, knows what's right, and has self-respect.
I don't think there are easy answers to loneliness, except making an effort to build up some interests. So you do that, and when you've succeeded come back and tell me how to do it.
The other approach may be to seek professional help, whether it's medication or counselling, or both.

Jeni26

Hello Gakx.

Sometimes change happens quickly, like a bolt of lightning..and things fall into place just by giving up drinking and following a program.

More often though, and certainly in my case...it takes time and a lot of work. I too had spent years depressed and disconnected from the life around me. On the surface I had it all..family, job, house...but inside I was lost. I felt like I moved in slow motion and life passed me by. I looked on but couldn't keep up, and when I tried it would cause such anxiety that I quit even doing that.

It has taken lots and lots of little steps for me to start moving away from that...and they haven't always been in a steady line forward either. I've been helped by many people on here, in a variety of forums, including the mental health one. I've also had intensive counselling and worked with doctors and 2 sponsors. I've had the same childhood issues to deal with as you. Many of us have a story to tell in one way or another.

I've come a long way. I can say that looking back now, but it didn't always feel like that at the time. The important thing..the thing that underpins it all..is staying sober whatever..

Best wishes to you

afloatsober

Gakx
This might sound daft but the difference began for me when i realized i had to change my thinking and started getting help to do it. I had drunk for a long time and thought the same way for longer.
I would do a lot of different things but be wearing the same self defeating,stubborn, negative and pickled head.
I need to get rid of my old ideas, the ones that have kept me sick.
AA, sponsor, 12 steps, SR, therapy, understanding of a Gods will for me all helped.
What helped most of all was understanding that if i thought it was a bad move, suggestion, idea in recovery it was probably a good one.........
EG..argument with partner and maybe she was wrong: Gary says... sulk, ignore her calls, feel sorry for self, berate her for being wrong, dig up old stuff, hurt her with words and so it goes on.
Gary is advised to: Call her, hug her, forgive her as i expect forgiveness, let it go and enjoy his day.
I tried it. It worked for both of us. I DIDN'T DRINK.
Often if i do exactly the opposite to what my head tells me works, things work out just fine and new horizons open up.
G

KateL

lol xxxx

KateL

Congrats on 32 days. See if you can get help with your depression. I have had it since childhood and have been helped greatly by therapists. Things will look up, everyone's healing time varies xxxx

afloatsober

Oh and Raider!!!!
What are you like girl???
He,he.
Gxxx

least

I started drinking to self medicate my anxiety and depression, but of course it just ended up making those things worse. I see a counselor now and she's been a big help to me. Is counseling an option for you? Might help to be able to talk to someone about your feelings.

Mel12

Hi Gakx -

Even as someone who doesn't care that much about money, the psychology of saving money by quitting has been significant for me.

I look at the money I have saved and it "proves" to my arguing mind--a mind that tends to undermine itself--that I actually do have the ability to make a change in my life pattern. Having "proof" that I can actually do something that has an objective result weakens my tendency to depression and futility. I applaud you for taking control of your finances and life, even in difficult circumstances.

Notimetoloose

Hi, I saw this on Deviant Art today, I think it's pretty cool...It also a great analogy for the fight for sobriety as well as self esteem and depression, I hope you like it.

http://fav.me/d6t2h2w

Bruce292

For decades I was convinced that depression was simply a way of life. I drank/used in an attempt to find a cure but all it did was led me into deeper depression. For me the only way to rationally deal with my depression is to stay clear headed and to work at being well every day. Kind of like going to the gym or something. For me depression didn't just "lift". I had to work at it and work hard. I have a long way to go but I think I've got a handle on my depression ... at least I have it cornered. If I wasn't sober it would be impossible to make progress. Congratulations on 30+ days. Hang in there and be well.

resolute50

The only reasons I can find to stay sober is that it will save me money and I don't have the shakes all day till I drink again.

I think if you wrote a list out. You would find more reasons to stay sober.

phoebe64

I struggle with depression. More low grade, pretty constant as opposed to deep, dark dispair.

But, also, remember alcohol will add to depression and anxiety. And 32 days is amaizing, but not enough time to normalize your neuro chemicals. I know you have had longer periods of sobriety, though.

I often read posts here, where people are finding new and great meaning in their lives, having epiphonies, and so high on sobriety. I don't experience that great euphoria. I simply feel better, have a bit more energy, am more present.

I think we sometimes need to come to terms with the simplicty of life and not be looking for a dramatic reward. I was raised in a sometimes chaotic home filled with drama, in between boring lulls. But, is it boredom, or is it smooth sailing? I am trying to embrace the smooth sailing.

Maybe adjust your expectation of sobriety. Expect small changes. Better heatlh, imroved alertness, no shakes and more money are great things, right? Its all good. it really is. When I think about it, I really cannot come up with anything that makes drinking a better choice over sobriety. Not when I think with a clear and focused mind.

Will sobriety magically fix everything in my life? no. But drinking will surely make everything worse.

SeaScape

What rochele said! I can really relate to all of that

mje124

good on you .........32 days my god I can't see past the next hour .well done stay strong with much love mike x

Gakx

Dee, thank you for understanding. I just felt that after 3 years, I should have seen some results. I have made major efforts to meet new friends but to find people with similar interests becomes more difficult with age. I can't double date, I don't have children, I don't want friends that drink or do drugs. It is just frustrating but that is why I am here, to meet others who are similar.

matt4x4, yes I followed the program exactly. I worked the steps, provided service to the clubhouse, organized activities for our members, found a sponsor that was a great fit. Things just never seemed to change though and now I have opted for a new approach to sobriety. I may eventually return to AA but I do not have much free time anymore.

As far as therapy, I have tried a few but never felt that I was being listened to and received some really bad advice from a couple of them. Again, I don't trust people, expecially therapists with whom I pour my heart out and get nothing. I have also tried multiple antidepressants, taken as directed, but they only turn me into an uncaring zombie.

I care about the people on SR and try my best to be supportive. I just can't seem to give a flip about myself. I have such high hopes for others and have a big heart. My self esteem is nonexistent, so I take criticism and praise with the same grain of salt. I can go no lower but praise seems like fluff. I do want to continue my sobriety and hope that you are right Dee, maybe this time will be different.

Thank you everyone for your responses. You are all wonderful here.