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Old 06-25-2004, 01:06 PM   #41 (permalink)
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I know what you're going through, I've been there a few times. The last time I "quit forever", after about 2 straight weeks of drinking a pint of 100 proof vodka each night I decided to stop (I don't even have the time to state the reasons, but I'm sure you all know. I was disgusted with myself, i had made a fool of myself many times and felt horrible physically). My withdrawal was so bad. By the next night I was shaking, sweating, itchy all over, and I felt so sick to my stomach I couldn't stand it. My head felt funny too, in a way I can't describe. It felt like my brain was going to explode. So I called my doctor's office and reached the on call doctor (it was a weekend), and after hearing my symptoms he wanted me to go to the hospital. So I spend about 4 hours hooked up to IV. Right after getting hooked up I had to ask for a bucket because I was going to get sick - the first time in 21 YEARS! Even with my very heavy drinking I never barfed. Even the common "stomach bug" doesn't make me sick. Well that night I felt the worst I ever have.

You would think I should have learned my lesson, but sadly I'm back at it. I want to stop, but I don't, I'm a mess. Ugghhh...you are posting because you need advice and all I'm doing is talking about myself.

I'll just say good luck. Hopefully this is the only time you will go through this and I hope you succeed. Drink TONS of water, I'm sure you're dehydrated. Drink some kind of fruit juice. Make yourself eat, even if you feel sick, because it will make your stomach better, as hard as that is to believe. But start with lots of water.
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Old 06-25-2004, 03:44 PM   #42 (permalink)
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thanks ya'll you just don't know how much everything you guys say meens to me. i just love hearing ya'lls own stories 'cuz then i know i am not alone. i though i have been haveing the worst headache EVER but see you say that it is normal so i feel better about everything.
i have a metting tonite i will go to and try again. i am pretty sure of it. i know i need it right now. i had a very bad day today. i took my drug test and even though i had NO drugs in my system for the first time in so long that guy still looked at me and said "well there are minute traces of alcohol and as excpected out of you. we knew you couldn't stop. even though it doesn't go over the legal limit i should violate you anyway. you know that meen prison. once a junkie always a junkie"
needless to say when i left there i was pretty down and went straght into my dopemans house. OMG i was saying to myself ok that jerk <<well not exactly jerk but, anyway if he wants to find something in there i will bring the word junkie to all new hights they willhave to redefine addict. then as if GOD himself was talking to me said "and what are you gonna say to everyone who believes in you so much, like i do" well what can you say to that? i just said to him i was just comeing by to say that i am an addict and i want to be clean. please don't sell me anything. so he said ok and then told me he was proud to hear it,to get out of his house and not to come back unless its to tell him some good news. that comeing from a dopeman? well we laughed for a minute then i just left. i was shaking and scared that i even thought like that but didn't do it. i am so use to getting mad and self destructing and i actually didn't do that this time. although i have been going back and forth with the whole thing. so i decided to come on here and get my head straightened out . thanks again for being there for me listening to me blab on about mindless chatter. my lil' bro Jesse jusst came in the door saying he felt like there's something wrong and he is here. so i will now say good-bye and thanks. Erika oh HEY LUV THAT PIC MAN thanks ms. eddie
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Old 06-25-2004, 04:38 PM   #43 (permalink)
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Wait a minute....Someone actually said this to you? May I ask Who? Dopeman's house? HMMMM.....that doesn't sound good Erika.
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Old 06-25-2004, 04:39 PM   #44 (permalink)
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Kitten,

You fell into the trap of looking for an excuse. I did that a hundred times and trust me, if you look for an excuse to drink/use, you'll always find one!

I think we have felt the pain of being labelled as a drunk or whatever. I know how awful I feel whenever I hear people talking about alcoholics like they are some lowly life form. And, it happens too often. But, don't let it get you down.

Love, Anna
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Old 06-25-2004, 04:47 PM   #45 (permalink)
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Most of my using and drinking life, (almost 30 yrs) I found one reason or another to catch a buzz......it's all I knew!

NOW, I have s l o w l y learned to accept life on life's terms, s o b e r ! !

My last drink was 1,155 days ago, my last joint, 722 days ago........go figure! ! Many many more have tons more sobriety than me.

IT CAN BE DONE............

I'm living proof. I can hardly believe it myself.
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Old 06-25-2004, 06:48 PM   #46 (permalink)
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hi 2dayzmuse muse that's the words of my CCO. house arrest officer. yess i do think i was looking for an exuse but i did not do it this time. and are all meetings sooo full of people? maybe it's a good thing that there are a lot of people getting help but are there littler groups that can be gone to? funny you should mention the whole joint thing man 'cuz i was just thinkin' that if i just smoke pot it really is not as bad as everything else and it would help this headache go away but i guess that's just another excuse right? i don't really care right now actually. i meen i do in a way or i would not be here trying to talk it out but in reality i am just ready to say f-it. i am so depressed about how hard i tried it still just wasn't good enough. it will never be good enough i will always be a junkie and an addict so why the hell am i putting myself through all this. it's hopeless.
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Old 06-25-2004, 07:12 PM   #47 (permalink)
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(((((Erika))))),
Not so!! Plenty of addicts/junkies get clean and stay clean. Just look around you at the meetings and even on here. I just got 18 months this past Monday! And I used to think I would just keep using 'til I died. Don't give up now. You're already through the worst. It definitely gets better.

And yes, you should be able to find some smaller meetings. Get some phone numbers and talk to other women. They can steer you in the right direction. Please hang in there!

Much love,
Eddie Z.
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Old 06-25-2004, 07:19 PM   #48 (permalink)
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Hey Sweetie
Take it easy, you can do this. Just one day at a time.
There are all kinds of meetings, some are bound to be smaller.
I always love the big ones, During the closing prayer all the folks united, together, hoping and praying for a better way, really gets to me.
Keep posting here, please stay away from your dope man.
You will meet people in meetings that you can get together with. It takes alot of work to change your life and your lifestyle.
You have our support and love...
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Old 06-26-2004, 12:28 AM   #49 (permalink)
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Praying for you hon. Hang in there.
big hugs
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Old 06-28-2004, 05:41 AM   #50 (permalink)
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Erika, are you OK?
<img src="http://home.earthlink.net/~epz/Cat_in_bag.gif">
Love, Eddie
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Old 06-28-2004, 10:41 AM   #51 (permalink)
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Erika?
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Old 06-28-2004, 11:00 AM   #52 (permalink)
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can't believe I am hearing myself....please,girl...you CAN do it. Giving in to the negative forces would only make them happy. I see alot of myself in you, as we all do I'm sure. But, this too shall pass if you let it. I always missed my health and sense of feeling good after the fact. My remedy for the physical torment...EAT...alot. Drink lots of milk, eat some soup...veggies maybe...anything. Your body needs water too...dehydration makes the brain throb!!! I've heard things that were'nt there as well when coming off the booze....so don't think you're losing it. Hang tough, sister!!
Love...
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Old 06-30-2004, 12:08 AM   #53 (permalink)
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Awe yuck i feel like crap. I am so sorry i couldn't keep clean, but i tried. i did not use the drugs i got, i just couldn't bring myself to do it as bad as i thought i wanted to but i sure drank enough. I used aome excuse of being under some stupid whim, being mad, and whatever else,really i just wanted it so i did it. Now i am back to square 1 with the headache that never whent away only got worse,surprise-surprise. well i guess i went straight to stupid, did not pass go, did not collect the $200 but just went straight to stupid.
I appologize for letting ya'll down when you did nothing but be there for me when i needed you. what i did was a very selfish and thoughtless and i was so wrapped up in my own feelings, wants, and "needs", that i did not take into consideration anyone elses thoughts or feelings on the matter but my own and that is very rude, inappropriate, and extremely unexceptable behavior. I hope that ya'll will except my humble appology and forgive me. Erika
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Old 06-30-2004, 12:17 AM   #54 (permalink)
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Salut
Don't beat yourself up Kitten the main thing is you are TRYING you have'nt let us down. Hop right back on the bus with us.
Hugs Indigo
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Old 06-30-2004, 12:20 AM   #55 (permalink)
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Just like that man?
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Old 06-30-2004, 12:27 AM   #56 (permalink)
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Yes give yourself a break we've all been there, for me again and again....
Indigo drunk/addict clean for today!
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Old 06-30-2004, 02:26 AM   #57 (permalink)
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ok
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Old 06-30-2004, 02:35 AM   #58 (permalink)
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((((Erika)))),
Did ya really think we'd be mad? NO! And you're NOT stupid; this disease is just da*& sneaky! I'm very glad you're back. Just remember you got a "get out of jail/stupid free" card this time, dust yourself off, and maybe try another meeting, but at least try again. We'll be here.
Love, Eddie
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Old 06-30-2004, 06:00 AM   #59 (permalink)
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Erika -
Oh, sweetie! I have been kind of out of touch here for a few days - since last week when I last posted.. so I just read through here to see what has been going on with you over the past week or so. Sweet woman - NONE of us has not "been there" in our own way! Some of us are still right there with you, but those of us who have been able to stack up a few days in a row now can STILL remember our pain... and we are ALL subject to using again if we don't keep doing the things that help us stay clean on a DAILY basis. Beating yourself up will only help send you back out again and again. You can do this!

Just think about all the HUGE things you did in that one day to help yourself! You kept away from a drink, a drug... in incredible physical and probably mental and spiritual pain as well... but you did it! AND you picked up a phone and asked for MORE help, AND you got yourself to a meeting, AND you even let them meet you by getting yourself up there and accepting the white key tag. You can go back and get another white one... The more you go, the more you will see how many of us struggle with staying stopped - come in to RESURRENDER over and over again.

It is not a requirement to our path to keep using over and over again, though. We can stop! And that CCO of yours should have (at least I HOPE Higher Power will take care of this!) some repercussions for saying such heartless things to you... I am sure that that job can be somewhat disillusioning, but that is no excuse to just DOOM people to failure! No excuse is EVER a good excuse to pick up. You have seen with your own eyes that it can be done, and read it over and over again here with us. YOU CAN BE FREE FROM THIS PAIN.

Nobody here will do anything but offer you love and their experience, their strength, and their hope. Hang on one minute at a time and keep posting!

love to you, amanda
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Old 06-30-2004, 06:37 AM   #60 (permalink)
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Erika,

You simply cannot give up and you must keep trying. It's the only way. I, too, tried countless times to stop drinking until it finally clicked. Be kind to yourself and remember there is always an excuse to go back to drinking/using, always.

Love, Anna
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