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Sorry if the following violates any codes of conduct. feel free to delete if it does. I skimmed them, but i just feel like if i wait ill lose my resolve.
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Starting out, i will admit i am kind of drunk. Otherwise i doubt i would have the courage to post this. Secondly, i will say that i am not ready to admit that i am an alcoholic, either to myself or to others, and that that is probably self delusional.
I started drinking early in college (which i did not finish). At first it was socially, with friends, but once i turned 21, it became more frequent. Ive always had problems with social anxiety, general anxiety, insomnia, mild to moderate depression, and general aches and pains. I am a large (very tall) person, and that last one just kind of comes with the territory. Alcohol(and other things(no meth, heroine, crack, or anything like that; pretty mild stuff, all things considered)) seemed like a cheap, nonprescription way to deal with that. I was kind of scared of seeking prescription help for these issues, because i was afraid of the abuse potential of sleeping pills and xanax or equivalents due to the activities of roommates ive had(the irony is apparent to me).
The whole thing kind of came to a head(no pun intended) when i found out my mother had brain cancer. My parents had moved out of state, i had just started living on my own, and i had just started college. The stress got to me. I shut down. Anything that could shut out the emotions, i would try. That kind of fed into itself. I started getting into dxm(otc cough syrup). Its a disassociative, and that helped even more to shut out the feelings. I didnt want to think, i didnt want to feel, i just wanted to be/do something else.
I remember once, I drank 3 bottles of dxm in an hour. I felt like a constructed mind, trapped in a fabricated body, and it was one of the most freeing experiences of my life. Existance wasnt my fault, whatever i happened to be feeling, it was forced on me by an external entity. Later on that night i started hallucinating. It wasnt lsd or shroom inspired fractals, it was, i felt, full psychosis. I would think id wake up, go about my routine, and then find myself still on the couch, tripping out. At one point i said screw it and walked into the heart of the sun. This experience didnt feel good, but it was an escape.
When I turned 21, it just got worse. Buying alcohol was as convenient as buying cigarrettes. Every gas station or walgreens had it, and there were so many stores that as long as i cycled it the clerks wouldnt look at me wierd. I tended to stay in my room anyway, so my roommates never questioned/noticed it. It didnt help that they drank as much as i did.
My inspiration for writing this was stamper from house of cards. (woo season 2) Not sure why i mention that.
I dont know where im going with this. Now that i type it out, that whole "not convinced im an addict" thing feels like a much weaker statement. I feel I should mention that I dont drive drunk, never gotten a dui, never hurt myself or someone else or broken anything. Still not sure where im going with this.
edit: I feel i should also mention i was always very careful about acetaminophen content in my dxm. that does not sound like a fun way to die.
---
Starting out, i will admit i am kind of drunk. Otherwise i doubt i would have the courage to post this. Secondly, i will say that i am not ready to admit that i am an alcoholic, either to myself or to others, and that that is probably self delusional.
I started drinking early in college (which i did not finish). At first it was socially, with friends, but once i turned 21, it became more frequent. Ive always had problems with social anxiety, general anxiety, insomnia, mild to moderate depression, and general aches and pains. I am a large (very tall) person, and that last one just kind of comes with the territory. Alcohol(and other things(no meth, heroine, crack, or anything like that; pretty mild stuff, all things considered)) seemed like a cheap, nonprescription way to deal with that. I was kind of scared of seeking prescription help for these issues, because i was afraid of the abuse potential of sleeping pills and xanax or equivalents due to the activities of roommates ive had(the irony is apparent to me).
The whole thing kind of came to a head(no pun intended) when i found out my mother had brain cancer. My parents had moved out of state, i had just started living on my own, and i had just started college. The stress got to me. I shut down. Anything that could shut out the emotions, i would try. That kind of fed into itself. I started getting into dxm(otc cough syrup). Its a disassociative, and that helped even more to shut out the feelings. I didnt want to think, i didnt want to feel, i just wanted to be/do something else.
I remember once, I drank 3 bottles of dxm in an hour. I felt like a constructed mind, trapped in a fabricated body, and it was one of the most freeing experiences of my life. Existance wasnt my fault, whatever i happened to be feeling, it was forced on me by an external entity. Later on that night i started hallucinating. It wasnt lsd or shroom inspired fractals, it was, i felt, full psychosis. I would think id wake up, go about my routine, and then find myself still on the couch, tripping out. At one point i said screw it and walked into the heart of the sun. This experience didnt feel good, but it was an escape.
When I turned 21, it just got worse. Buying alcohol was as convenient as buying cigarrettes. Every gas station or walgreens had it, and there were so many stores that as long as i cycled it the clerks wouldnt look at me wierd. I tended to stay in my room anyway, so my roommates never questioned/noticed it. It didnt help that they drank as much as i did.
My inspiration for writing this was stamper from house of cards. (woo season 2) Not sure why i mention that.
I dont know where im going with this. Now that i type it out, that whole "not convinced im an addict" thing feels like a much weaker statement. I feel I should mention that I dont drive drunk, never gotten a dui, never hurt myself or someone else or broken anything. Still not sure where im going with this.
edit: I feel i should also mention i was always very careful about acetaminophen content in my dxm. that does not sound like a fun way to die.
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Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 30
First off, WECLOME! Secondly, WOO House of Cards! And it's funny you mention Stamper...one of the first "ah-ha" moments I had about maybe being an alcoholic was when the Leo McGarry character on The West Wing (another political drama show) had a monologue about being an alcoholic. Definitely a similarity there!
Addiction comes in so many forms...I've never been a "full-blown" addict, but I KNOW I have an addictive personality. To me, it's all about having a certain kind of brain chemistry/physiology, regardless of how severe your symptoms of addiction are at the moment. I get the impression that you've come here because you suspect this about yourself already...I hope I'm not wrong in saying that.
Again, welcome, and I'm so glad you're here! Everyone is so kind and helpful. And there will be many more replies besides mine to help you sort things out.
Addiction comes in so many forms...I've never been a "full-blown" addict, but I KNOW I have an addictive personality. To me, it's all about having a certain kind of brain chemistry/physiology, regardless of how severe your symptoms of addiction are at the moment. I get the impression that you've come here because you suspect this about yourself already...I hope I'm not wrong in saying that.
Again, welcome, and I'm so glad you're here! Everyone is so kind and helpful. And there will be many more replies besides mine to help you sort things out.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,507
Welcome Erith! It's great you found us. 
I was still drinking when I came to SR. In my heart I knew I couldn't go on much longer the way I was - way too dependent on it. Reading & posting here I found the courage to quit. I believe it saved my life. Glad to have you with us.
I was still drinking when I came to SR. In my heart I knew I couldn't go on much longer the way I was - way too dependent on it. Reading & posting here I found the courage to quit. I believe it saved my life. Glad to have you with us.
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