LonelyDude

Hi all. This is my first post here. I am so happy to have found this site. First really active recovery site I've found.

I have dealt with alcohol addiction for about 10 years now. Started when I was 30. The first 5 years were mild compared to the last 5. I went through a bitter divorce 5 years ago. My ex took my daughter and moved to another state. I found myself suddenly very alone. Vodka became my best friend.

I don't drink during the day. It's when I get home at night that I start. I drink enough to "get happy" and then go to bed.

I have also dealt with depression and anxiety my whole life. When I am on my meds, I do pretty good. Problem is, after a while it convince myself I don't need the meds and stop taking them. I repeated this behavior about 8 months ago and was doing ok, or so I thought. The last 2 weeks I have been ramping up anxiety wise. I'm now to the point of sleeping very little, constant nervousness, etc. This started after a lot of reorganization at my job began happening and I don't know what the future is for me there.

The good news is I have decided to go back to my doc. I have never admitted my drinking problem to him. This time I am going to be totally honest. Getting a full physical and addressing my health in total. I have an appointment on Thursday morning.

Getting by until Thursday will be hard. I really wish I could just get some sleep. OTC sleep aids don't work.

Thanks for listening. Typing this out is the first time I've ever admitted to my demons. I need a fast forward button to make Thursday be here now!

KateL

You have made a great decision. Welcome and good luck xxx

lisatrying

Welcome Dude. You have made a great leap joining here. Admitting to ourselves that something isn't right and we want to change is a huge first step. I remember how scared I was when I decided to tell my Dr, I imagined her yelling at me. Of course she didn't, but I didn't get any sleep the night before. Good luck with the appointment, just be honest, and know that you are not alone.

Thepatman

Your doctor is key I think.

You have a plan and that's the most important thing. Stick to your plan, adapt it if required and you will rock sobriety ;-)

HeadLump

Welcome to SR, LonelyDude and congratulations on joining such a fabulously supportive site

It can take great courage to write and to 'own' the words you've written, but it helps very much to shine a light on things that have been hidden for so long. Once you can see them, you can start to deal with them

Thursday is just around the corner and we'll happily walk by your side until then

LonelyDude

Thanks for the kind words. Right now is a real struggle. Knowing I'm not alone helps a lot.

Mountainmanbob

that is a great solid plan
please - stick to it
and be well soon

by the way - keep coming back and sharing with us

Mountainman

FreeOwl

hey Dude....

some of what you wrote hits me as quite familiar.

I'm a single dad and in recovery after a long history of alcohol issues... worst of it started around 30 for me as well, and the past 10 years have been punctuated by increasing issues.

Vodka became my coping strategy in the past 5 or so.

currently 50 days into my second real effort at sobriety and realizing that depression and anxiety - at least at some level - have been there for me too. Maybe all along. Nothing debilitating, but certainly my sleep is impacted and my general mood....

anywho.... welcome, and good luck!

bigsombrero

Well done, and good for you. I also turned to vodka in my mid-30s, and drank in much the same way you describe. Things went downhill fast, and unlike you I did not speak with a doctor. I very much wish I would have. Congrats to you for seeing the light, you can make it out of this with a strong plan and some dedication. All the best, hope you stick around.

silentrun

Welcome LonleyDude. I started in my 30's and 10 years is about where I hit the breaking point as well.

LooseGrip

You MUST tell your doctor that you have been self medicating with alcohol for years. You cant be treated properly without being honest. I have done the same with my anxiety and depression. I have been on meds for many years. No desire to stop taking them because they work! First things first. Get back on meds, then join a support group and keep posting here. Tons of support on this site. You are not alone here.

peanutty

Welcome Dude. You are in the right place. We understand. Telling your doc is a great idea. Let us know how it goes.

LonelyShadow

I felt so much better after seeing my doctor about it, I was at absolute rock bottom at the time contemplating suicide etc and it was hard getting to the doctor's with all the anxiety, but as soon as you're actually sitting there talking it through with someone there's this huge sense of relief, there was no judgement at all and it was the beginning of a totally new start. Good luck with it man, stay strong and try to do things to take your mind off it until thursday

gvrecovery

Welcome, you're not alone, there are a lot of great posts on this site. Just one thing, be careful of any kind of sleeping aid, they turn on the urges and will lead to drinking in most cases. Good luck, stay in touch!

least

Welcome Lonely Dude. You've come to a good place for support. I'm glad you joined us.

ReadyAndAble

Glad you found us, LD.

I had a lot of similar experiences. My drink ramped up after my divorce too. Mostly drank at night, at least until toward the end. I know it's scary to think about facing life sober, but once I was clear of the bottle, all the feelings and issues became a lot more manageable. Good days started to get sprinkled into the mix. Hope started to return. You're going to be really glad you did this.

Aellyce

Hi LonelyDude - your story sounds very similar to mine, including the timing of alcohol addiction progression. I also started abusing more seriously around 30. That turned very heavy and uncontrollable in mid 30's (due to stress), and was just getting worse and worse until I decided to quit in early January this year. I have also always struggled with anxiety and depressive tendencies and obviously was self-medicating, including turning to alcohol to reward myself and progressively minimizing natural sources of pleasure over the years... During the last few years of my drinking I had crippling anxiety everyday (every was hangover day) and often worse at night and in the end it escalated into an ~6-month long severe major depressive episode that I never got help for because I was too ashamed to even go see a doctor. It was seriously the most difficult experience I'd been through in my life. I definitely had milder long term depression before for years also. Absolutely familiar with feeling suicidal - I actually had that almost on a daily basis for a long time, just dissociated my mind from it so that I could continue to live. Eventually it lifted when I finally started to make major lifestyle changes.

So glad to hear that you are seeing your doc! Also, believe me, the anxiety and depression are seriously exacerbated by drinking - it will be MUCH easier once you can get some sober time in. I was amazed how differently I felt even after ~10 days especially anxiety-wise. I also suggest that you try to implement a more holistic change in your life to target these problems instead of just meds alone; eg. good diet, exercise, schedule rewarding activities on a regular basis, learn some relaxation techniques, socialize, SR is wonderful also... work out your own recovery program.

As you can see, you are absolutely not alone! Welcome to SR