Can my marriage withstand sobriety?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: cardiff
Posts: 328
I have 105 days sober. I never thought I get here but life without drink is better than I ever imagined. I always thought that my husbands moodiness was my fault, caused by my drinking. Turns out it wasn't. It probably didn't help but it sure as hell didn't cause it. I didn't expect my life to be a bed of roses sans wine but I did think my relationship would improve more. And in a lot of ways it has. He just seems to get these moods every now and then and becomes hard to live with. He's not aggressive or anything. Just silent. One word answers, the odd disdainful look. I can't live like this. I have done so much work in the last 105 days that I just want to keep moving forward. I don't know whether I am being dramatic if I suggest he talks to someone about this, it just seems like he holds a lot of pent up anger and me not drinking didn't make the difference I thought. My heart breaks a little when he seems distant but the good thing it doesn't make me want to run for a bottle of wine. Thanks for reading I just wanted to get it out there and not have it bottled up.
I put up with it when I was drunk because I thought it was me, I guess what I am saying is I won't put up with it sober.
I put up with it when I was drunk because I thought it was me, I guess what I am saying is I won't put up with it sober.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: cardiff
Posts: 328
No I just kind of leave it hoping it won't happen again. I know his older brother suffered from the same kind of moods when he was younger my sister in law shared that with me years ago. Something in his family maybe?
Guest
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Ashburn, VA
Posts: 30,196
Maybe it's a reaction behavior that he can learn to change. Anybody can learn to be polite and not give disdainful looks. I suggest you confide that it hurts you. Perhaps he doesn't realize the vibe he's giving off--maybe he thinks that by being silent he's covering everything up satisfactorily.
Mini Novel Post Writer
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Maine
Posts: 3,649
Right there with you apophylite. In my household I thought my husband's actions were due to my drinking. Then, I would get mad at him for his actions and drink. It was a vicious and never ending circle. However, once I got sober I expected that the things that angered me about him were going to all of a sudden magically disappear.
It was only then that I was able to find out the truth. That my drinking was only an excuse that he used for his actions. It was a quandary because now I had to face the music and decide how I was going to handle it.
The only conclusion that I could come to is that for now I must work on me. I can't fix him and it's obvious now that he has his own set of issues. I have had conversations with him about it, communication is key. The way that I left is was that I was working the hardest I ever had on our marriage and that I hoped that he would do the same.
You can't fix him, you can only fix you. In the meantime communication is key but if nothing changes and if you're miserable then you have some decisions to make.
I'm giving myself this first year to see what transpires. Thankfully, things are getting better. We'll see where things are at the end of May.
Try having a talk with him and see what happens but remember, it's his move to do something about his situation and not yours. It's not "your" problem.
You're not in this alone and this occurrence is not uncommon at all.
It was only then that I was able to find out the truth. That my drinking was only an excuse that he used for his actions. It was a quandary because now I had to face the music and decide how I was going to handle it.
The only conclusion that I could come to is that for now I must work on me. I can't fix him and it's obvious now that he has his own set of issues. I have had conversations with him about it, communication is key. The way that I left is was that I was working the hardest I ever had on our marriage and that I hoped that he would do the same.
You can't fix him, you can only fix you. In the meantime communication is key but if nothing changes and if you're miserable then you have some decisions to make.
I'm giving myself this first year to see what transpires. Thankfully, things are getting better. We'll see where things are at the end of May.
Try having a talk with him and see what happens but remember, it's his move to do something about his situation and not yours. It's not "your" problem.
You're not in this alone and this occurrence is not uncommon at all.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Livonia, MI
Posts: 260
Originally Posted by apophylite 
I have 105 days sober. I never thought I get here but life without drink is better than I ever imagined. I always thought that my husbands moodiness was my fault, caused by my drinking. Turns out it wasn't. It probably didn't help but it sure as hell didn't cause it. I didn't expect my life to be a bed of roses sans wine but I did think my relationship would improve more. And in a lot of ways it has. He just seems to get these moods every now and then and becomes hard to live with. He's not aggressive or anything. Just silent. One word answers, the odd disdainful look. I can't live like this. I have done so much work in the last 105 days that I just want to keep moving forward. I don't know whether I am being dramatic if I suggest he talks to someone about this, it just seems like he holds a lot of pent up anger and me not drinking didn't make the difference I thought. My heart breaks a little when he seems distant but the good thing it doesn't make me want to run for a bottle of wine. Thanks for reading I just wanted to get it out there and not have it bottled up.
I put up with it when I was drunk because I thought it was me, I guess what I am saying is I won't put up with it sober.
I put up with it when I was drunk because I thought it was me, I guess what I am saying is I won't put up with it sober.
print what you posted and read it to him.....
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 1,534
I am in a similar spot. You are not alone. I had a talk with my husband and it helped. I hope you will find the right time to talk to your husband (remember, timing is key!) and that it is helpful.
Kaleidoscope eyes
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: London
Posts: 5,243
Originally Posted by LadyBlue0527
Right there with you apophylite. In my household I thought my husband's actions were due to my drinking. Then, I would get mad at him for his actions and drink. It was a vicious and never ending circle. However, once I got sober I expected that the things that angered me about him were going to all of a sudden magically disappear.
It was only then that I was able to find out the truth. That my drinking was only an excuse that he used for his actions. It was a quandary because now I had to face the music and decide how I was going to handle it.
The only conclusion that I could come to is that for now I must work on me. I can't fix him and it's obvious now that he has his own set of issues. I have had conversations with him about it, communication is key. The way that I left is was that I was working the hardest I ever had on our marriage and that I hoped that he would do the same.
You can't fix him, you can only fix you. In the meantime communication is key but if nothing changes and if you're miserable then you have some decisions to make.
I'm giving myself this first year to see what transpires. Thankfully, things are getting better. We'll see where things are at the end of May.
Try having a talk with him and see what happens but remember, it's his move to do something about his situation and not yours. It's not "your" problem.
You're not in this alone and this occurrence is not uncommon at all.
It was only then that I was able to find out the truth. That my drinking was only an excuse that he used for his actions. It was a quandary because now I had to face the music and decide how I was going to handle it.
The only conclusion that I could come to is that for now I must work on me. I can't fix him and it's obvious now that he has his own set of issues. I have had conversations with him about it, communication is key. The way that I left is was that I was working the hardest I ever had on our marriage and that I hoped that he would do the same.
You can't fix him, you can only fix you. In the meantime communication is key but if nothing changes and if you're miserable then you have some decisions to make.
I'm giving myself this first year to see what transpires. Thankfully, things are getting better. We'll see where things are at the end of May.
Try having a talk with him and see what happens but remember, it's his move to do something about his situation and not yours. It's not "your" problem.
You're not in this alone and this occurrence is not uncommon at all.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2013
Posts: 426
I am right here with you. My husband and I seem to be at a crossroads. I want to work on it, but he wants to leave. He doesn't want to talk but I keep trying. It's his move and I told him so. I certainly don't want him to stay if his heart is not in it. Very sad. I wish you luck. Talk to him.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 8,637
could be you're both human....
not knowing the context of your lives, but having been married twice, I am aware that oftentimes as humans in committed relationships we can have 'stuff' going on inside that we're not sharing, not good at sharing, maybe not even conscious of ourselves, or lack the tools to communicate about.
In my experience.... sometimes those silences and those moods have been things that I've been stuffing inside and not dealing with properly. Sometimes it's been about needing to take care of myself in ways I'm not. Sometimes about feelings I've been fearful to express to avoid conflict or more difficult feelings.
I don't have any good answers for you but I guess that maybe my point is; I'm sure your marriage can withstand sobriety. In fact, I'm CERTAIN that in any marriage - sobriety is a far better place to be than soaked in alcohol and that whatever issues and challenges your marriage may face will be far better approached in sobriety than with the hazy crutch of alcoholic thinking.
Has your husband ever expressed a concern about communication or any sense of awareness that anything's bothering him? Is it likely he'd be willing to see a counselor with you to help create new habits of communication?
If not - maybe seeing someone on your own to better equip yourself with awareness of what's happening for you and communication tools to reach out to him...
Marriage is work sometimes. Maybe a lot of the time. best of luck, stay sober!
not knowing the context of your lives, but having been married twice, I am aware that oftentimes as humans in committed relationships we can have 'stuff' going on inside that we're not sharing, not good at sharing, maybe not even conscious of ourselves, or lack the tools to communicate about.
In my experience.... sometimes those silences and those moods have been things that I've been stuffing inside and not dealing with properly. Sometimes it's been about needing to take care of myself in ways I'm not. Sometimes about feelings I've been fearful to express to avoid conflict or more difficult feelings.
I don't have any good answers for you but I guess that maybe my point is; I'm sure your marriage can withstand sobriety. In fact, I'm CERTAIN that in any marriage - sobriety is a far better place to be than soaked in alcohol and that whatever issues and challenges your marriage may face will be far better approached in sobriety than with the hazy crutch of alcoholic thinking.
Has your husband ever expressed a concern about communication or any sense of awareness that anything's bothering him? Is it likely he'd be willing to see a counselor with you to help create new habits of communication?
If not - maybe seeing someone on your own to better equip yourself with awareness of what's happening for you and communication tools to reach out to him...
Marriage is work sometimes. Maybe a lot of the time. best of luck, stay sober!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: Memphis, Tennessee
Posts: 34
Similar situation here. But in my case I think im going to have to leave. I've been communicating about our issues since before I started drinking heavily. Therefore obviously drinking through the bull. I know I can't put up with it sober. It hurts, but I have to rid myself of all the stresses that encouraged me to drink more. Luckily I'm not married. The past 3 years have been hell with my partner.
Thank you for this thread. I was hoping someone would post about this.
Thank you for this thread. I was hoping someone would post about this.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 283
i already left. my marriage failed 2 months into my recovery.
i'm angry and hurt - especially as he's already 'moved on' with someone new. we were together 10 years.
i think what he wanted was for life to continue exactly as it was, just without me drinking. once he realised that wasn't going to happen, the end was already written.
i'm angry and hurt - especially as he's already 'moved on' with someone new. we were together 10 years.
i think what he wanted was for life to continue exactly as it was, just without me drinking. once he realised that wasn't going to happen, the end was already written.
voices ca**y
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: St. Paul Minnesota
Posts: 4,357
My husband has some sort of anxiety thing going on that he refuses to get help for. Before I started drinking heavily I would talk him off the ledge whenever it got too out of whack. Once I started drinking heavily I stopped doing that and he got worse. As I sober up I am able to put the balance back. It's not my responsibility to fix him but he responds to it so I do. It depends really on how bad his problem is and if there is a middle ground that he is willing to meet you on. So keep moving forward on you. Worrying about someone else at 105 days sober is just too much to take on.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Lakeside, Ca
Posts: 10,208
Originally Posted by apophylite
I have 105 days sober.
I did think my relationship would improve more
I did think my relationship would improve more
it is hard on both parties in the relationship
true - many will fall apart
but - with time many also find a new happiness together
we need to keep our thoughts and emotions in balance
easier said than done - especially in early sobriety
Mountainman
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: New York
Posts: 1,372
My husband has always been extremely moody, since I met him really. He will get into these slumps where he is distant and cold for no apparent reason. He has alot of trouble communicating as well. It's quite an emotional roller coaster here. We've been married 19 years, my drinking has been a problem for about the past 4 years. Not blaming him, but a big reason my drinking escalated was as things got busier in my life I would drink more to tolerate his moods and try to stay the "happy wife" (obviously since I became an alcoholic that didn't work out so well and now I have a whole different set of problems to deal with from drinking). Now I'm determined to stay sober (I'm at 111 days) and find healthier ways to handle my situation. I've always blamed myself for his moods and also put it on myself to bring him out of a mood. I'm working hard to no longer do that. I've tried to communicate with him over and over throughout the years, but things always seem to end up in the same place for us. Sadly, I get the feeling that part of him liked it better when I drank, he doesn't want to be bothered having to talk about things or face that he has issues to work on. I'm trying to remind myself that he's moody and I can't change that, only he can, I'm not responsbile for that, he is. He has to own it, not me. I can try to help him but I can't change him, I can only change how I respond to him. I'm working on finding better ways to communicate with him and finding my own inner peace so that his moods don't affect me so much. I can't numb it, I have to work on it and find healthy ways to face it. I figure I need to work on myself first and hopefully he'll be able to do the same.
Getting sober is hard, having to work on myself and a marriage at the same time is really hard, but I'm determined to keep working on both. Sorry I really didn't give any advice, but just wanted to let you know you aren't alone. It felt good to share my situation, kind of therapeutic, so thanks!
Getting sober is hard, having to work on myself and a marriage at the same time is really hard, but I'm determined to keep working on both. Sorry I really didn't give any advice, but just wanted to let you know you aren't alone. It felt good to share my situation, kind of therapeutic, so thanks!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Canada
Posts: 500
I can relate. My husband and I drank together all of the time. However, I was definitely worse than he was. He can be pretty moody and I absorb every part of it since I live with him. It's like a dark cloud in house creating tension. I used to think it was because he wasn't happy with me. Turns out that is just how he has been his whole life(his family tells me so). But he was always happy when we met and then got married. It was slowly afterwards that he got moody. I am not saying to put up with it. I would just go do your own thing and let him be moody by himself. ONLY... I have said to him that I don't want to spend the rest of my life walking on eggshells around him.. and that we have to work on this because I think I am very much a person who embraces life. There were times in the past I just wanted to leave because at times it's hard enough to deal with ourselves.. let alone someone else. Congratulations on 105 days!! That's amazing. I hope things get better. ((HUGS)))!!
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