Can my marriage withstand sobriety?
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Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: cardiff
Posts: 328
Thank you so much for all your replies, SR rocks! It's such a supportive place to be.
He's still very quiet. If his mood lifts a bit I am going to talk to him later. If his mood doesn't then I may just do it anyway because I've had enough.
I am a reiki practitioner as well as a beauty and spa therapist and reiki has helped me through some very dark times. I wish it was something he'd consider trying, incase it would help.
I'm going to suggest it along with talking to someone but I don't think he thinks it's a problem. It isn't constant but when it happens it really gets me down and zaps my positive energy.
Thank you all for listening
He's still very quiet. If his mood lifts a bit I am going to talk to him later. If his mood doesn't then I may just do it anyway because I've had enough.
I am a reiki practitioner as well as a beauty and spa therapist and reiki has helped me through some very dark times. I wish it was something he'd consider trying, incase it would help.
I'm going to suggest it along with talking to someone but I don't think he thinks it's a problem. It isn't constant but when it happens it really gets me down and zaps my positive energy.
Thank you all for listening
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 10,912
I suggest that you give him and your new found sobriety some time, Apophylite. I don't have a relationship problem now, but had a long term one while still drinking. My lover was a heavy drinker, too, in denial about that and many other underlying emotional problems. He managed it similarly to what you describe about your husband: constant silent moodiness, passive-aggressiveness, unwilling to have open honest discussions about our problems. Trying to seem simple and stable, but obviously he wasn't... Our relationship ended quite long before I finally quit drinking, but many times while still together, I would try to talk with him about me contemplating quitting and making some serious lifestyle changes. He would always just shortly say great, good for me, but no support, no conversation. I think because he knew deep down that he had problems too, but not ready for change. Drove me crazy, but we all have our individual patterns and timing of realizing and solving problems...
Now in retrospect it's very clear to me that our problems were quite deep seated on both sides, and much more than just the drinking problem... I did not attempt to behave differently enough either. It's all past now, but thinking back, had I managed to get sober while still together, I would have made lots of changes in my attitude as well (that I am trying now). Not sure it would have solved it though.
So, again, maybe focus on yourself in the time being, try to communicate with him as best as you can, but don't let it affect your well being and progress too much. If you continue to do your best, time will certainly tell where the two of you can get from the current situation.
That sounds like an awesome profession, btw I love spas and holistic approaches to heal the mind and body as a complex system. Some people are very interested in these, others not at all... again, individual preferences.
Best to you
Now in retrospect it's very clear to me that our problems were quite deep seated on both sides, and much more than just the drinking problem... I did not attempt to behave differently enough either. It's all past now, but thinking back, had I managed to get sober while still together, I would have made lots of changes in my attitude as well (that I am trying now). Not sure it would have solved it though.
So, again, maybe focus on yourself in the time being, try to communicate with him as best as you can, but don't let it affect your well being and progress too much. If you continue to do your best, time will certainly tell where the two of you can get from the current situation.
That sounds like an awesome profession, btw
I love spas and holistic approaches to heal the mind and body as a complex system. Some people are very interested in these, others not at all... again, individual preferences. Best to you
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Join Date: May 2013
Location: Mid-Atlantic
Posts: 552
I think this is an issue a lot of women have really... Women and men communicate SO differently.
My husband and I were REALLY rocky when we first quit drinking. We're both in seperate therapy and working on things together. It's getting better every day. I'm grateful for that because I was so afraid that we'd fall apart, or find that we didn't have much in common without drinking. But, we're finding that we're very compatible- even without drinking. So that's good. Especially since I wouldn't consider divorce unless some VERY specific criteria were met. (Like cheating or abuse, etc.)
It's marriage. Yaay. ;-) It's an oath/vow/contract. Better or worse, sickness and health etc. It's A LOT of work. It's really hard at times. Nobody tells you how hard it is. We tend to think very romantically about marriage, but the reality is that it's not all glitter and buttercups. Nope. I was very worried that I'd end up being someone's roommate for the rest of my life. Not good...
My husband is generally pretty patient and easy-going, but he's only a man after all! LOL He's not going to indulge me constantly. He needs space sometimes. He doesn't always want to talk. And, yeah he gets grumpy at times. I think therapy has really helped him to express himself better and to deal with stuff, rather than cram it down. But, he's still going to have "funks". If he's in a mood and doesn't seem willing to discuss it at that time- that's fine. I can't take it personally if I don't know whether it's my fault, and usually I find out (later) that it's not. I just give him space and do my own thing. (which he appreciates.)
Anyway, it's not easy but it IS doable. It's hard enough without the added challenge of addiction. You plop that on top and heck yeah it's hard! A lot of marriages don't survive it. But, certainly some do! I have hope that with patience and work, mine will. I hope the same for you. :-)
Sending my best!
My husband and I were REALLY rocky when we first quit drinking. We're both in seperate therapy and working on things together. It's getting better every day. I'm grateful for that because I was so afraid that we'd fall apart, or find that we didn't have much in common without drinking. But, we're finding that we're very compatible- even without drinking. So that's good. Especially since I wouldn't consider divorce unless some VERY specific criteria were met. (Like cheating or abuse, etc.)
It's marriage. Yaay. ;-) It's an oath/vow/contract. Better or worse, sickness and health etc. It's A LOT of work. It's really hard at times. Nobody tells you how hard it is. We tend to think very romantically about marriage, but the reality is that it's not all glitter and buttercups. Nope. I was very worried that I'd end up being someone's roommate for the rest of my life. Not good...
My husband is generally pretty patient and easy-going, but he's only a man after all! LOL He's not going to indulge me constantly. He needs space sometimes. He doesn't always want to talk. And, yeah he gets grumpy at times. I think therapy has really helped him to express himself better and to deal with stuff, rather than cram it down. But, he's still going to have "funks". If he's in a mood and doesn't seem willing to discuss it at that time- that's fine. I can't take it personally if I don't know whether it's my fault, and usually I find out (later) that it's not. I just give him space and do my own thing. (which he appreciates.)
Anyway, it's not easy but it IS doable. It's hard enough without the added challenge of addiction. You plop that on top and heck yeah it's hard! A lot of marriages don't survive it. But, certainly some do! I have hope that with patience and work, mine will. I hope the same for you. :-)
Sending my best!
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Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: cardiff
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So the time didn't seem right to talk yesterday. I decided to get it all down in an email which I sent this morning. I sometimes feel like I communicate better that way too. Hopefully he'll read it and see it's only because I care, not because I'm attacking him. I love this man dearly and I know he loves me too.
I'll keep you all posted. Thanks again for all the kind words and advice, have a blessed sober day friends!
I'll keep you all posted. Thanks again for all the kind words and advice, have a blessed sober day friends!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: cardiff
Posts: 328
He got my email and has finally admitted he thinks he may be suffering from depression. I think this is definitely the case. He's going to see the dr tomorrow to talk it through. I'm relieved that he's been able to see it's a problem and needs a helping hand!
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Join Date: Feb 2014
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[QUOTE=apophylite;4474184]I have 105 days sober. I never thought I get here but life without drink is better than I ever imagined. I always thought that my husbands moodiness was my fault, caused by my drinking. Turns out it wasn't. It probably didn't help but it sure as hell didn't cause it. I didn't expect my life to be a bed of roses sans wine but I did think my relationship would improve more. And in a lot of ways it has. He just seems to get these moods every now and then and becomes hard to live with. He's not aggressive or anything. Just silent. One word answers, the odd disdainful look. I can't live like this. I have done so much work in the last 105 days that I just want to keep moving forward. I don't know whether I am being dramatic if I suggest he talks to someone about this, it just seems like he holds a lot of pent up anger and me not drinking didn't make the difference I thought. My heart breaks a little when he seems distant but the good thing it doesn't make me want to run for a bottle of wine. Thanks for reading I just wanted to get it out there and not have it bottled up.
I put up with it when I was drunk because I thought it was me, I guess what I am saying is I won't put up with it sober.[/QUOTE
Sobriety seems to bring with a new set of "eyes" and clarity. It seems that you are reacting to the same kind of behavior from your husband that existed when you were still drinking. Now that you are sober, you are bound to "feel" those behaviors differently. It is early yet, go slow and go gently; go soberly.
Congratulations on your 105 sober days!!!!!!
I put up with it when I was drunk because I thought it was me, I guess what I am saying is I won't put up with it sober.[/QUOTE
Sobriety seems to bring with a new set of "eyes" and clarity. It seems that you are reacting to the same kind of behavior from your husband that existed when you were still drinking. Now that you are sober, you are bound to "feel" those behaviors differently. It is early yet, go slow and go gently; go soberly.
Congratulations on your 105 sober days!!!!!!
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