amica

I am devastated. I am at a loss. I am never heard. The crazy lies and untruths and inconsistencies. The hurt, the abuse, the actions, the words. So damaging. I beg for him to understand, but he blames me. He chooses denial. I cannot do it anymore. I have to leave the one I love, I don't have the energy, the tools, the desire to be in chaos.

ErikT

Maybe removing yourself from the situation is the best for you right now......maybe consider Alanon meetings to help. They can help you understand his addiction and most importantly....where YOU fit in to that. You aren't to blame for HIS addiction...but these meetings can help you understand where you fit in to this lifestyle....its important that you do not blame yourself. The only decision you can make that impacts your life is the one that makes YOU whole.....and happy. His addiction is all his own. He wont get sober until HE is ready to do so. But YOU have options.....use them.

amica

Thank-you! I needed that!

His behavior is crazy making and the lies and cruelty are not something I am willing to live with. He is such a great guy, but not at a point to willing to do the work. I am at a loss. Devastated that I invested my life into this person, and only to realize I have made a big mistake. Again.

ErikT

its NEVER too late....do YOU....YOU........trust me...you find that the other things have a way of just falling into place. The way YOU need them to.

amica

What? What do you mean? 'do...YOU....YOU......trust me....' ??

amica

I just received another message from him that is blaming me and not accepting his role in the crazy making. He thinks that getting drunk, stealing someone's car is not a problem. Or leaving it up to me to look after his kid. Or that throwing me out on the street, withdrawing from me for weeks, rejecting me then throwing it in my face is acceptable. Threats, cruelty, etc.
It is so confusing.

amica

I love him, but I don't want to see him, I just feel sick at his ********. Running around behind my back and not owning up to it.

goodkitty

HI there, I am new here too...and I am so sorry for the situation you find yourself in with someone you care so deeply about. However, having been there before, many many moons ago I hope to share with you that you cannot change him, you are right in that if he won't own up to anything it is he who is in denial. You are in the middle of a mind bending hell that won't end unless you somehow take some time for yourself and get away from it. Please think about this, because its so hard to find clarity when one is in the middle of such a situation.

One of the most telling quotations that had the most profound impact on me years ago regarding some stuff in my past was from "Good Will Hunting" with Matt Damon. Its the scene where Robin Williams tells him "Its not your fault".
And for you TOO "Its not your fault."

Please take care of yourself.

least

It seems the best thing to do is move on with your life. The abuse and lies and drinking are too much for you to tolerate. Can you move out? Find an AlAnon meeting to attend for support.

amica

Hi,

I have kicked him out, and now he is threatening to sue me. It is exhausting. I paid for all his living expenses for over six months. I paid for everything...gave him 1000's. I am such a fool. Now, catching him in so many lies...I am devastated. I am so embarrassed. He is a con man. Thank-you for the supportive words. I need to protect myself. I told him that...but he is using mind bending guilt to try to get me back. Not owning his own ****. It really is unbelievable.

goodkitty

Addictions can make people master manipulators...stay strong. Perhaps some research on different personality disorders will give you strength. And distance....ever so valuable distance. hugs to you.

ErikT

"Do You.." means just worry about yourself....take care of yourself...

ErikT

the most blinding vantage point in the midst of chaos is when you are in the middle. You'd think it should be the best spot to be in to see it....but it isn't. You find yourself for a long time thinking...it isn't THAT bad....just like alcoholics can be in denial...so can the ones that love them. Sometimes even more so....

amica

Omg. Okay. Thank you so much. I really need to be guided right now. He is phoning my parents, trying to make himself out to be the innocent one. It is crazy making. I just caught him in two more lies, that are embarrassing. My dad wasn't even sure to believe me until we were eating breakfast and he told me something my partner had said that was a lie. It is crazy making. He just turns everything on me, making me out to be the one who is unstable etc. I did have an episode of screaming at him because this is making me insane at times, thinking of the lies, and crazy ****. Thank-you for helping me understand the chaos and that it is not my fault. I need to hear that.

Anna

Try to take the focus off finding his lies, and put it back on you.

What can you do to take care of yourself?

Shanie

I am going through a parallel situation as you are. I contacted 18003442666 Alanon. I found a local meeting tonight. I found out through conversation that I am his life line and they said alanon would help me. I hope you reach out for you. I was scared to do this months ago but I'm glad I finally have the courage from this family.
Sending you a hug

amica

hello,

Thanks again. I am taking one day at a time. Every time I replay the situation, I really know that I have no other choice other than to leave. Although he has done many great things for me (us) and the fact that he has improved over the past six months, does not omit the fact that the emotional abuse (withdraw of love and affection, emotional distance, physical rejection/sexual, ignoring me when he comes home late at night when he used pay attention to me...etc. ) is something I cannot live with. I just cannot. And, I know he was doing something that made him feel guilty, as this is why he was avoiding me. Then, I have caught him in so many lies, which was building up inside me so much that I was starting to have anxiety every time he said something. I didn't believe a thing he ever said. I was falling apart at the seems, he refused to admit anything and then started blaming me. I can't believe I have gotten myself involved in this. It is remarkable that I have this lesson to learn at this late of a stage in the game.

amica

I plan on going to alanon as well, but I cannot be in relationship with him until we can have the same language. Good luck to you....

ShootingStar1

Amica, there are two other forums on SoberRecovery that might be of help to you. They are Friends and Families of Substance Abusers, and Friends and Families of Alcoholics. Both are for families, partners, friends of those with addictions. Each forum has what we call "stickies" - threads of universal interest that are permanent and listed at the top of the threads.

Your partner is being verbally and emotionally abusive. He is saying anything and everything in order to try to manipulate you and justify himself and his addiction as your fault so that he can continue to use his substance. There are lots of threads on what this entails, and how others here on SoberRecovery have done to deal with it that you may find useful.

ShootingStar1

amica

Excellent. Thank-you, thank-you...I will try to navigate this website! I am not really a computer gal but am finding great relief and support just knowing I am part of SoberRecovery.