I've ruined my life...
 

My hands are sweating and shaking slightly. I can't control the shaky hands. The symptoms seem to get a little worse every day and I don't know how bad they're going to get or how long they're going to last. I'm distressed because my girlfriend left me last Friday. We live together and she's been staying with a friend of hers until she finds a new apartment. I can't tell where the grief ends and the withdrawal symptoms begin. I'm irritable, my mind feels foggy and my emotions are far from stable. There's a brick on my chest and a vice twisting my gut. I can't stop thinking about alcohol. I can't stop thinking about her. I go between being manic to panic and back in a matter of hours. I haven't drank since last Friday when we fought and she left. I've alienated my friends over the years and I feel alone. This cycle of self-destruction needs to end.

I love to read about different pathology, psychology, physics, biology, cosmology etc. and I starting reading medical articles about alcohol withdrawal because that's the only thing I can think about now. I find that it helps me deal with things if I can intellectualize them. Break them down and understand them. As I was scrolling through the search results, I came across this forum and felt the need to reach out to people rather than just ideas and literature on the subject. I don't know if I can do this alone and I feel more alone than I have in years. I've successfully quit drinking for days, weeks months at a time, but I always seem to think I'm in the clear and get drunk again and the cycle restarts. I'm tired of destroying my life. I really love her and I'm almost positive I'll never be with her again. I destroyed our relationship.

This crap needs to end. Why is it so hard? I know that every time I drink, it's just going to get harder in the long run, but the withdrawal is so uncomfortable even on the Prozac I began taking again a month ago. I can't imagine how depressed and hopeless I would feel now without it. I started taking it again a month ago, prescribed by my doctor after discussing my desire to quit drinking. I think it helps some with symptoms and has kept me from falling into a complete state of despair regarding my relationship status, but the extra mental energy is hard to control in this state. It's unbalanced and unpredictable. I feel like drinking would relax me some, but the hangovers while on Prozac are debilitating. I've spent the entire next day in bed awake because I was in too much pain to get up or even fall back to sleep after awakening from a black-out.

I'm disgusted by my past behavior. My inability to quit completely and forever. I've always tried to do it alone. Now I'm truly alone. I've never been to a help group or even talked about it on the internet. I don't know what else to do. I don't want to fall back into the cycle again. There's nothing but darkness at the end of that tunnel, but the pull is so strong. And the voice telling me "What harm could one more night of drinking do? It's just one more night." But it never is. It's a relapse that continues into the nights to come after. A month and a half ago I was to the point where I would drink a 12-pack of beer starting at 4pm, sleep at some point and wake up at 5am to go to work. I want to be healthy. I just want to feel OKAY. I don't know if I ever will feel good again.

Welcome NoDrinks - I think SR will be very helpful for you. Plenty of people here who know just what you're talking about.

I told myself 'just one more night' for decades. It almost killed me. I'm glad you've realized what alcohol is doing to you. You can get free and never revisit these miserable days. Your real life is waiting. You can do it!

Does anybody have some good literature about what I can expect of the symptoms of withdrawal? Foods, vitamins, exercises, meditations, ANYTHING that can keep me on the right path? Someone said drink plenty of water on another thread. I feel like my memory is worse now than it was when I was drinking. I guess it's only been a week, but I want my mind back. The mind I had before I ever started drinking. I feel like I've lost a section of my brain. My ability to reason, concentrate and remember have all been reduced. Is that permanent damage? Will I ever get it all back?

It gets better. I'm on day 50, and what you are saying tonight sounds a lot like me about 47 days ago. The Prozac should work better without alcohol. Hang on. Go to a meeting if you can - to get some human contact. It's lonely detoxing without support. You never blow your trip forever. I'm not saying it's been easy, but after the first week I started feeling much better (some down days, some anxiety, but beats hangovers). Be kind to yourself. You're human.

I found this helpful: Alcohol Withdrawal Symptoms

B vitamins, folic acid, water. I've also been taking kudzu for cravings, and either I haven't really been having them anyway, or the stuff works.

The obsession with alcohol persists, but not with the vibrating electricity of the early days. I've been reading a lot about mindful recovery and meditation. I need something to do with my head.

Concentration is much better for me. I'm reading books at a rate 10 times what I would read when drinking. Some people report permanent damage, but all I can do is speak for me - I seem okay.

Thanks zero. Your answers seems very informed. I read about the folic acid somewhere. It feels good to tell someone about my problems. For so long I just kept them to myself and my girlfriend. Now she's gone and I just felt alone in the darkness. I may seek out a group here in town. I've never been big on social interaction with most people, but it may actually be nice to socialize with other people that actually understand what I'm going through.

Try going for walks, jog or the gym. Exercise releases endorphans that make you feel good. Keep busy it takes your mind off the addiction. Find a hobby that interests you (I like to play the guitar). Post and read lots on here you will be surprised what you have in common with others. Listen and learn from others. Meditate it is very calming and relaxing. Just a few ideas. Remember it gets easier with time so be strong :) Good luck and keep posting.

Upon reading "Alcohol Withdrawal Symptoms" I realize that the nightmares I've been having recently can be attributed to alcohol withdrawal. I've never really had nightmares consistently before, but lately it's been almost every night. I don't have any nausea or serious headaches, but I've never really suffered from headaches. Maybe a slight one every few months or so. I know people that have migraines. I consider myself fortunate in that regard. For some reason, just learning about the symptoms seems to reduce their potency. That feeling of curiosity or interest takes some of the edge off. I think I may dig deeper into the subject. I don't know why, but I've never really studied withdrawal before. Maybe some kind of unconscious mental block. Maybe denial.

I hear you. Usually didn't like socializing except there was alcohol involved. I live in a small community, so I haven't been comfortable braving the AA scene here (people would find out). But I started going to a philosophy discussion group, and it turned out some of the people there were at the top of my list of the most annoying people in the county. Funny thing, though - I've been practicing compassion for myself and others, and though I can't say they don't rub me the wrong way sometimes, I have to confess I've been enjoying their company. My drunk self would have yelled "Run away! Run away!" Maybe I'm just desperate for sober human interaction, or maybe I'm seeing things in people I didn't used to see. Anyway, it's worth a try to get out there in sober environments even if it feels really weird at first.

I like the way you think. Knowledge reduces anxiety. Having some idea about what to expect kept me from unnecessarily racing my butt to the hospital a few times. I keep reviewing the PAWS information - post-acute withdrawal syndrome - because that's what I'm dealing with now. It's not horrible (usually). It is what it is. I want to move on with my life, and if that means PAWS, so be it. It's like the car accident I suffered. I can wallow in grief, or I can do some physical therapy and try to return to some semblance of normalcy, whatever the heck that is...

Welcome, NoDrinks. :) Understanding the biology of addiction was helpful to me too. It demystified cravings, made me understand them as a natural feeling, and like all feelings, they would pass in time.

I'm sorry you're in pain, but glad you're harnessing it in a positive way. It may not feel like it yet, but you've already taken a huge step in the right direction. :)

Hey No Drinks - I thought I'd ruined my life, and my health too. I was pushing 40 and 41 was not looking good.

But when I look back and see what I've accomplished since? I've done more in the last 7 years than I did in the previous 20 :)

it's never ever too late to start again. The beginning is rough, for sure - but it won't always be like this :)

D

I can't tell you how much I relate to this part of your post. I honestly just want to be healthy and feel normal without this substance coursing through my body.

Welcome to the family. :) Giving up drinking is possible - I did it over four years ago with the help of this site and my counselor.

I'm glad you joined us. :hug:

Welcome to SR.The early days are tough but it really does get better.
Ifyou like reading there is a whole thread somewhere on recommended books when withdrawing/quitting. One of my favourites is "Think Right.Feel Right" by R.Issett. It's not specifically about drinking ,more positive thinking and re-training your thought processes to be positive. This is somethingI've done a lot of since getting sober and ithas helped me immensely. My anxiety and depression are now minimal.

Not everyone goes to meetings- if this doesn't suit you that's fine. Do whatever works for you. I used Rational Recovery: AVRT (another great book) and SR.

Welcome to SR NoDrinks.

Oh yes you will, you are going to feel better than you have in years. :)

Welcome NoDrinks. I wish you well in conquering this XXXXXXXXXXX

hey Nodrinks....

I'm sorry for what you're going through and wish you strength to stay on course and continue down the road of sobriety.

This need not continue and you can begin, RIGHT NOW, changing your life for the better.

It of course won't be easy, but it will be well worth it.

Since you like reading, learning about things.... here is some good literature on specifically how to be done with this terrible cycle;

Big Book On Line - Table of Contents - Linked with the permission of Alcoholics Anonymous World Services, Inc.

Get yourself to a meeting too.... nothing to lose, your LIFE to gain, and you won't have to be alone.

http://www.kansas-aa.org/meetings.aspx

:ring

Incidentally, I'd never heard of Manhattan, KS until a very good friend of mine moved there with his wife some years ago. I understand there is a really lovely bike path.... :) You can do this.

:ring

Sorry to hear about you relationship ending but I don't think you've ruined your life forever. You Can take control of the rest of your life. One day, or even minute at a time helped me at first, there are hundreds and hundreds of ways you can learn about addiction, withdrawl and all the other things you didn't need to know before. Exercise is always a good idea, even a brisk walk is better than being cooped up inside but please try to be nice to yourself, it will get easier, welcome & thanks for posting, congratulations on taking a giant step forward in your thinking