Whyme717

How to I stop feeling ashamed and at fault. I believe everyone will think its my fault...u see i have another child now 34 who also walked out of his sons life when he got divorced his son was 10. I dont understand any of this,,,i have always been their for my kids,,,there Dad this this to them walking away from them after we divorced..u would think the pain of that would make them choose their child over partying...so now i have no choice but to face the looks from others..,it will soon be out in the open..and all i want to do is run and hide..im in pain as it is over my two kids lives being ruined...i am so ashamed,

FeelingGreat

Hi Whyme, I'm sorry you are going through this painful time.
These days with society awash with drugs, it's not so unusual to see parents neglecting their children. You have no control over your adult children's behaviour, and you should not feel shame on their behalf. They will make their own decisions, they may be ones you disagree with, but it's not your fault or for other people to judge.
Try not to guess what others are thinking as well. They are often more understanding and compassionate than we give them credit for. Like I said, this is becoming more and more common.
What can you control? You can be the best grandmother ever to your grandchildren, and give their remaining parents loving support.

EndGameNYC

I'm sorry to read about your situation, Whyme.

It may sound crazy, but repeating the painful mistakes of our parents is one of the ways in which we (unsuccessfully) attempt to manage the pain we suffered as a result of their behavior, usually during childhood. It's a maladaptive defense against the offending behavior by internalizing it, making it my own, and therefore under my control; an act of bad faith that typically has far-reaching and painful consequences. It happens every day, in every way, and in all walks of life.

Whyme717

Thank u both,,what u both said helps..i do know what unsaid is true...but the pain in me over all this is umbarable some days.i need the support u offer

EndGameNYC

You've come to the right place for support, Whyme.

There comes a time in everyone's life when we either continue to blame our parents for our problems, or we take action to right our own ships.

This isn't on you. It's unfortunate that your children seem incapable of taking responsibility for their own lives...and the lives of their children.

least

It's not your fault or responsibility that your kids chose their way of life over their kids. That's on them, not you. You can't control what others say or think or do. Please don't let it worry you too much. It's out of your control.

Mags1

Hi Whyme, lots of support here at SR for you xx

Marcee

Do yourself and your children a favor and don't carry the burden for them. Lay the responsibility right where it belongs and the burden will be lifted from your shoulders. This will be good for your children also. It will give them a chance to make their shoulders strong.
If others point a finger at you in blame then what kind of people are they that would do so. If they are so shallow, so judgemental why would you care what they think. Who would want to be in the company of such. These are not the ones to be in their company. Look to the people who don't judge you, look to the people that have understanding, tenderness and compassion. These are the ones of value. Let the others see your backside as you walk away. Show them your strength. You will have done your children and yourself a tremendous good. Be an example!

KateL

Don't be ashamed. It's not your fault. Sometimes we do all we can possibly do for our kids and it's just a case of Nature over nurture. I hope your daughter straightens herself out, please stop blaming yourself. xxxxxx

JustMeg

I don't really know what to say Whyme, other than as one parent to another, try not to feel guilty. This is not your fault, and your grandchildren are fortunate to have you in their lives. As others have said, I believe that people are perhaps more compassionate and less judgemental than you expect. Warm wishes to you, Meg.

MythOfSisyphus

I can't offer any specific advice but I can say this- you can't beat yourself up over this. Some things are simply beyond your control. You can't change the past, and once your children are grown adults you can't force them to live their lives in a way they don't want. It's sad to see this happen. You can try to influence the situation but that's about it.

Are you able to spend time with the child? Extended family can be a big help to kids, and of course it's good for the grandparents too!

ErikT

So....do your grandchildren live with you now??