bumble

I am angry. Just full of rage.

I tried to kill myself last Thursday - drank 750 mL bottle of vodka in 7 hours which, according to several online BAC "calculators" should've easily put me into the 0.5 zone (anything above 0.3 is potentially fatal; 0.45 will kill nearly anyone. I checked). Not only did I wake up alive, I managed to send SEVERAL text messages to the ex-boyfriend at a point when, by rights, I should've been comatose.

I am mad at the people who want to help. I am mad at my situation - single, unemployed, most of my so-called friends abandoned me, had to have an abortion ALONE, etc all because of alcohol. I am just mad. I didn't ask for this. I don't deserve this. And,yes, I know this is self-pity and resentment at its worst....but I'm so mad I don't care.

I know - no one deserves to get hit by a truck either. But I don't feel like I "chose" this. I go to the liquor store, buy booze, and drink it in a daze. I feel like an automaton. I am certain I didn't "decide" to get drunk anymore than anyone "decides" to get hit by a truck.

I just feel completely helpless. And hopeless. If I don't control this, how do I control this?!

least

But you did decide to drink. You may have been in an angry confused state of mind, but ultimately you made the decision to drink. As long as you're drinking you're going to be full of anger and self pity. Why don't you put the bottle down and do something good for yourself? If you're unemployed, why not volunteer someplace where people are even worse off than you are.

newme2day

A lot of the time we cannot do it alone. Sometimes we need help. You are here and thats a great first step. There are many here who can help. Welcome.

JaylaaKent

Awww sweety it's hard I totally know. Have you thought about some rehab or in-patient therapy? I finally came to the conclusion that I'm NOT A BAD person because I can't do everything alone. It's ok - as a woman i know how disgusting and unlovable you might feel - please don't feel that way.

rudy68

You need to get help. Bring yourself to a meeting and keep going. You don't want to die, you just don't want to be in pain anymore

Anna

Yeah, I agree. I used that argument for awhile too. No, I didn't choose to get drunk, but I did choose to buy alcohol and drink it. Therefore, it was on me to stop it.

I'm sorry you're feeling so angry and upset. Have you considered talking to a therapist to help you through this?

doggonecarl

I am glad you are alive.

Alcoholism love anger. Because it fuels our drinking. Turn off the hate. Turn off the self loathing.

Count your blessings that you are alive. If you expend as much energy on your recovery as you expend on destroying yourself, you will succeed.

Jimuk

Please keep trying Bumble, I remember being in June 2012 class with you. I'm here again struggling too, trying to understand. I found a couple days without drinking helps my temper and judgement.. 1 day at a time hun.

LovesToTravel

I know that this is very difficult, but don't go to the store and buy the booze. You and I know what will happen to that bottle. Once you get started there is no stopping. I find it so much easier to just not start...for today. ((hugs))

There is a list somewhere on this website on what to do instead of drink...pick one. You will feel better tomorrow and have no regret...it is a wonderful thing. Hang in there.

KateL

I feel your pain. It's horrible. I'm glad you didn't die. I hope you don't give up. It's never impossible, much as it seems. If I could give up anyone can xxxx

Thepatman

I can relate to the why me part. I always thought "I never woke up asking to be an Alcoholic" or "why did I get those genes"

Until I accepted that no I did not ask for this, but my attitude towards booze brought it on me. Accepting responsibility is part of recovery I think, letting go of the self guilt most importantly.

Accepting we can change our situation and taking our power back will get us far.

Glad you are posting, this means you are analyzing this, this will allow you to make/modify a plan.

LadyBlue0527

bumble, as long as you are here there's always hope for a better day isn't there?

Take all this anger:

and instead be angry at alcohol. Be done with it. HATE IT. The entire reason that you are feeling the way that you are right now is because of IT. Don't give it that power, it's just liquid and you deserve a better life! We are here for you.

tuxiemama

For YEARS the only thing I got really excited about was going to the wine shop..... well in my case wine shops....

I would go into a hypno-trance state that my psych called a fugue state..

Only way to stop getting to that state is to refrain from all alcohol

FreeOwl

sounds truly awful, Bumble....

I hope you will get some help because it sounds to me like you're in a place that is making it very, very difficult if not impossible to do this on your own.

we're here for ya, but you'll probably need something 'closer to home'.

Notimetoloose

It OK to get angry and I think its OK to get angry at ourselves but use that anger to propel yourself forward into action against the addiction.

Get so bloody mad at the destructive nature of alcohols effect on you and start taking action.

Positive changes, create further positive changes. You can do this.

Dee74

I'm sorry you're so low Bumble. I hope, like Anna suggested, it's a good idea to speak to a counsellor or a doctor.

Looking back, I had to get past all that 'why me' stuff...it really doesn't matter why me, it really doesn't matter who's to blame...what matters is we accept our problem and we do something about it.

There is life - and happiness and joy - after drinking Bumble - you can see it everywhere on SR.

If I can stop, anyone can. I believe you can

D

bumble

That's kinda what I thought, too. I have had these "there's no point in even being alive" thoughts off and on for the last few months and just kept thinking that they'd go away...but, just in case they didn't, I did start seeing a psychiatrist recently. And, even more recently, did start going to meetings. Tonight will be the 3rd time I've gone to the group with whom I feel most comfortable. But, even there, it's a bit discouraging - There are only 3 women. One is not far enough along that I could ask her for help, and HER sponsor has admitted she's a little confused on the Steps herself. The third woman is considerably older than me and I just don't feel much of a connection. Oh well; there are still insights at the meeting and it was the only group I went to where anyone even talked to me. Tangent. Sorry.

I can't afford re-hab. My friend and my dad, independently of each other, threatened to haul me to the hospital. And I know they were concerned and scared, but I was angry about that, too. (I know, surprise, right?). I was angry they just decided this was "best" for me - without even consulting me. Just gave it as an ultimatum. Between the AA group (tonight) and the psych. appointment (Wednesday morning), I feel like I HAVE been at least trying to get help....So go to a hospital? Surrounded by a bunch of strangers? Completely cut off from the help I've been trying to get and the connections I've been making? I was livid.

I am really trying to focus on the present, and not the past. Trying to remember all the things I have to be grateful for. Especially trying to direct all this anger at alcohol, which has done nothing but hurt me, and NOT at my friend and parents who mean well (even if I don't always agree with their "solutions").


p.s. JimUK: I was wondering what happened to you!! Nice to see you're still around. I'm deeply saddened to hear you're struggling, but glad you're still fighting!! One day at a time...one day at a time...

Dee74

I really hope your psych. can help Bumble

D

Ruby2

I can feel your anger vibrating off what you wrote and am sorry you are in pain. There are a lot of good suggestions on here already. Maybe ask one or all of the women at the meeting if they know of any women's meetings. Sometimes there are meetings that don't make the AA directory.

Back when I was drinking really heavily I would get so filled with rage towards everyone and everything that I lashed out and wanted to smash things. It was all a really big blob of troubles wrapped tightly together, spinning around and I just didn't know where to start. It was so overwhelming to look at and to feel. Really hard to put the brakes on. I was so far gone that I could never have done it alone. And it is hard to ask for help. I was fortunate enough that I could go to inpatient treatment. Easy for me to say, but there are low cost or no cost options out there. Someone at the meeting may have a suggestion. Your therapist may have a suggestion.

Don't give up on yourself. Your life is precious.

bumble

Thanks, all!! I am just all over the place, emotionally. My typical drinking pattern was to binge every 3 days and I'm finding that by Day 4 of sobriety, my internal "get-smashed" clock has turned into a time-bomb. Last Thursday was the WORST low I've ever had - and I didn't even think that was possible. So, if I consider that I woke up more-or-less sober Friday morning....it follows that by Monday evening I would experience the worst anger/frustration I've ever felt.

Last night, I phoned my friend and apologized for being mad, and also apologized to my mom for getting mad and then hanging up on her (I know, like a 5-year-old).

Every time I start a thread here, it's some sort of temper tantrum and I truly appreciate how kind and patient everyone here is. Just hoping that if I can soak up enough of that patience (and wisdom), I'll get through the rollercoaster....I've made it to Day 6 a few times, and always feel amazing...I just have to remember that. And not screw up on Day 6.