Jill23

Today is my 1 week since a hangover anniversary. But, it almost didn't happen. I understand that in early recovery one can be moody and irritable and not themselves, but I don't think my husband understands that. Yesterday he had very little patience for me. He was getting frustrated and blaming me when I had nothing to do with what he was getting frustrated about, in fact I wasn't even home. I was at the store with my son getting him a new pair of shoes when that voice crept up on me. "Maybe he likes you better when you are drinking, you are more fun, not so uptight. Why else would he be so short with you." So, I fell into an old habit and bought a bottle of wine. When I got home, I asked why he was so frustrated with me and sure enough, it had nothing to do with me but he doesn't know how to handle his frustration. I have always been there to help him deal with it, but I can't right now. I told him that I bought the wine and he said, but you have done so well, don't go back. I gave him the bottle. I didn't drink. Does any one have any advice on how to ease tensions at home. Is there anything I can do for him or anything I need to be aware of in my own actions? I want to stay sober but I don't want my marriage to fall apart.

ReadyAtLast

I think you should concentrate your energies on yourself and staying sober, your husband is responsible for his own anger/frustration/feelings and you cannot control them. All you can do is control yourself and how you react to him.

It sounds as if he is supportive of your sobriety which is a great start. Try not to think so far ahead-worrying about your marriage falling apart .Relationships do change when we get sober, often for the better. Just a thought though-If you have to be drunk to keep your marriage intact then that may be problematic. I know for me getting sober made me face things I'd been ignoring or hiding,often difficult things but I see now that that wasn't a bad thing. Living a lie/pretending and hiding is no way to live

Jill23

Thank you, Ready. I love my husband very much. I think part of it is that we are self employed and when business is slow things can get tense. This has been a factor for our entire marriage. I discovered that when I drank I didn't have to think about money for a little while. The reasons I drank were all my own, but he thinks that he is part of it. I can't imagine my life without him, he is my best friend, but he is very sensitive. He had a terrible childhood and I was a big part of him healing from that. I think it bothers him to see my weaknesses because I am supposed to be the strong one. I just want to make sure that I don't do anything else to screw up.

Admiral

Why do you think you drank in the first place? Do you think it's possible that the true, root reasons may not even be apparent or conscious in your mind?

Did you know that everyone around you is actually you? We project ourselves onto everyone around us. If we hate ourselves, we believe that everyone else hates us, if we are insecure, we feel that we are being judged by everyone, because we judge ourselves. I would suggest you examine all of the thoughts you have about your husband, and not just him, but others as well, and turn them around at yourself to see if they are true. Maybe you don't understand yourself? Maybe the tension at home is a reflection of the tension within yourself. What is that tension? Where is it coming from? It is absolutely critical to start asking these questions, you might be surprised at what happens.

Byron Katie has a worksheet and steps that can take you through this process , I highly recommend looking into it.

least

Take good care of yourself. You can only give what you've got, so make yourself the best you can be.

freethinking

I am in early (very early) recovery and my husband asks me almost every day "Are you okay?". When I ask why he is asking his usual reply is "You seem kind of irritable".

It's started to get on my nerves that I can't just be myself right now without him asking "Are you okay" (almost suggesting I do not seem okay sober). But yesterday, I was calm and just explained that it is normal for me to be a bit irritable in the beginning...and pointed out it is better than me being drunk and being oblivious to everything. Seems to have helped him.

Jill23

I think my best bet is to seek counseling. I have always had addiction issues. Food to cannabis to coke to alcohol. The only time in my adult life that I was sober was during my pregnancy and the first 2 years of my sons life. It seems like I have always needed something to fill some void. I need to figure out what that void is and fill it with something healthy

resolute50

You are still early in your sobriety.
Tension will cease after a while. You are going through a battle in your mind right now.
And it can be one of the hardest battles you will ever fight.

Let you husband know that sometimes you might not be yourself. Remind him of the battle that you're in. Tell him that no matter what you love him and when you come out the other end of the dark tunnel.
The light will be brighter than it has ever been.

escapist

Husband is mad and he is taking it out on you.
You decide that drinking will make it easier for both of you. You decide to buy some wine. Hmmm.
I have been there. I am self employed too and the economy and the goverment is killing me. I understand both of you. It is just hard and this is a perfect time for sobriety. We are stronger sober than drunk.

PaulinaPolitely

When I am feeling well differentiated, I can easily do this kind of thing... When around my boyfriend and he is anxious or cranky, I first assume HE'S in some kind of quandary, and don't immediately make it about me. When I can do this, and say something like, "are you over it or are you okay?" or whatever kind of response, he'll tell me something I didn't expect, "I just need to get to the club and get moving,...etc" Or whatever real response. Most times it has nothing to do with me, unless I make it about me. Making it about me or us, always keeps the issue mired in "self".

A book I like which deals with differentiation is Passionate Marriage. Another one is John Gottman's 7 Principles for Making a Marriage Work. Takes a different tack on the "meeting my needs" stuff that is so propagated in culture. More about nurture and respect.