darkfaith

Not sure how to but can this thread be deleted please.

Dee74

sent you another PM DF. How are you doing?

D

darkfaith

So I'm still here, sober and embarrassed but still here. Thank you to a certain PM and a very supportive mate I managed to throw away the tablets I had in front of me and made it through the night.

I'm currently climbing into bed sober for a second day in a row and have a planned AA meeting to go to tomorrow afternoon with my husband. Not sure if spouses are allowed at meetings but he is driving me to support me nonetheless. Although things are not good between us at present he wants me to get sober as that is one of our biggest problems in his eyes. So for the sake of our marriage and kids I'm going to try and take it one day at a time, not looking ahead but just trying to climb into bed sober each night. I don't know how long it will last and I'm certainly not feeling strong or confident about it. I don't even really know how to look after myself or where to start,

darkfaith

Day 5, was edging for a drink this morning I'm lacking sleep and new medication is taking its toll but I haven't turned to bourbon yet. Took my teenage son out for tea tonight and forward myself to sit down while I let him buy the drinks so I knew I wouldn't be tempted. Coke zero and lift. It was interesting that he started opening up a bit to me about my husband. I'm waiting for the whole "what you were like when drinking" conversation to happen sooner or later. Couple times this week I've asked him to pour me a drink of coke and he's asked where the bourbon is. He's skeptical but supportive.

Pipping

Hi Darkfaith. It's miserable being on that roller coaster of drunk, hungover, embarrassed, ashamed then drunk again. Staying sober means no more of those " what did I do" conversations which are really cringey. You will get lots of support here.

darkfaith

Day 7....I've been okay the last couple of days with just a small odd craving. Got myself a tattoo instead. But today I feel so desperately like having one. My husband and I have decided to do separate for a month or two...maybe more or forever. We both have issues and I can't have his around me at present. It's too stressful and he isn't even trying to meet me halfway. He was shocked today when I told him I hadn't been drinking this week. But we both need space and as heartbreaking it is and certainly will be for a while it had to be done munching out on chips and heading to watch a movie before bed to distract me from bourbon thoughts

Marcher13

One thing at a time darkfaith, seven days is great.

Pipping

Hang in there DF, it gets easier

darkfaith

Start of day 11....as hard as it has been this week with separating from my husband and dealing with passive aggressive kids, I haven't picked up a drink. And thoughts of suicide seem far away.

Still have a long way to go with battling my depression and lack of self worth but see things clearer now. I am not happy with who I've become but it can change, I can change it. Just wish I felt this strong more often.

Weekend was good, spent a couple of hours with friends and while they were drinking and offering me vodka, I refused and sat back taking in how their actions changed with each drink. I think they were in shock I wasn't off my head as I normally am before I even get to their place let alone what I'm like when I leave. I didn't tell them I had stopped drinking only that I was driving, which I never do.

Randummy

Wow, sounds like you've really been through it recently. You've made such a great decision to change and I'm sending you good vibes :-)

Dee74

I'm glad things a looking better for you DF

D

bigsombrero

Congratulations on Day 11! Every day you are getting stronger, you've come a long way already.

But there's a ways to go yet. I highlighted the quote above because I have a tip that might make things easier: stop hanging out with drinkers. Just for a while, at least. I know for us alcoholics the thought of staying home, sober, on a Saturday night might as well be Hell on Earth...but it's really not that bad. In fact, it's pretty darn nice when you get used to it.

Think of it this way, if someone just got out of the hospital 11 days ago for major surgery, what would you say to them if they hanging out with drinking friends? You might tell them to get back home and continue to rest and recuperate! And that is maybe what you should be doing also. Hanging around with drinkers is a no-win situation, because you frankly won't be doing much of that as a sober individual. In the long run, most of us have to go our own way in order to truly live sober, and that means cutting out the nighttime hanging out with old drinking buddies.

Just a thought. Anyway, once again congrats on Day 11. Your story is an inspiration, keep it going, one day at a time.

darkfaith

Thanks guys, a lot of it has been sticking close to SR and reading reading reading. I'm hoping this week I can find some motivation and start picking up some energy to get the house in order. But if I don't , well I don't. My main concern is staying sober.

Ongoing battle one hour at a time but some hours are easier than others.

steffie

Great job DF
Compared to where you were a few days ago it is really remarkable - you should be very proud of your achievement!

darkfaith

Day 13 begins, sometimes it would be easier to disconnect from reality and switch my brain off for just a few hours. But since that's not in my near future I will keep taking one step in front of the other and try to move forward.

Hubby is driving me crazy, turning up late for visitations and now changing his mind about some things. Need to print out a mantra my boss keeps saying to me...control what you can control. I can't control his actions but I can control my reactions to it. So I will NOT have a drink, I will not get angry with him and I will not let my frustration seep out onto the kids.

darkfaith

Day 14 almost done, struggling tonight, my brother is sitting in the room drinking bourbon. Arghhhhh it hasn't bothered me for the past two weeks but now I'm out of pot as well I think that's the temptation.

So day 2 pot free as well.

darkfaith

Back at the start, I was feeling strong yesterday until I had a cone and then at the music festival just started to drink, one lead to two and so forth. Didn't drink as much as I would have normally but still drank. Even my son and my brother (who is a daily drinker) made a couple of comments which at the time I didn't think anything of it but wow this morning remembering back. Felt like a slap cross the face. So just need to pick myself back up again and start from day 1. This is only a bumpy not the end of it all. I can pick myself back up ....not that at this moment I believe that but I'm just going to repeat it all day long.

Dee74

what do you think you can do differently this time, DF?

D

darkfaith

I honestly think most of it was habit. Having a smoke before we left to go was half boredom waiting and half excitement. And it was a few hours before I had a drink because I was too busy watching the bands but yep I think it was mainly habit.

Will be a while before I have to be in that situation again so I will be concentrating on exchanging the "habit" of drinking at events to trying to enjoy things sober. My brain associates happiness with drinking so I need to rewire that kind of thinking. (Strangely enough I have had almost all my meltdowns drunk so not happy much of the time at all)

Dee74

I know it must be hard living as you are right now.

If thats not gonna change for a while, I think getting as much sober support as you can can only help DF

and yeah - I think, deep down, we all know when a situation is likely to be a temptation - listen to that Jiminy Cricket voice

D